love. (be warned, this is a long one)

OK, so there are different types of love.
there is family love,
relative love.
friend love,
best friend love,
and then....this.

"this" being a type of love that changes. It is not just friend love, its more, its more than just best friend love also, it equally strong as family love. Its not always romantic, but it is every now and then.
I don't know what to call this type of lov, so i asked a friend of mine.

me: " i love him. i love him more than a friend but different from family... but it isn't always romantic love... sometimes it is, but not always...  he's my best friend... and i don't know what to call this type of love.  do you know?"

her: "It's called love sweetie. Like actually in love with a significant other. It's love on a whole nother level from friends and family...its loving someone."

._. that doesn't really help, because i though being in love with someone meant being romantically in love with someone all the time as well as loving them as a best friend type thing. My love isn't always romantic and it comes in different levels of intensity. But i do know it will never fully go away.

I have always held him above my other friends when it came to how i valued him. I value him just as much as i value my mother, sisters,aunt, and grandmother. I can tell him almost anything and he is the one i go to when i am feeling just horrible. (gods my chest feels like its about to explode... severe pressure and tension in my shoulders) but i don't always want to kiss him.

of coarse i will always want to be able to cuddle with him and hold his hand. but i'm not always jealous of the girls he dates. Sometimes i am and most of the time i'm not. But if i feel like that, how can i be inlove with him?

thats also an issue. He is a HE. Its rare that i ever want to kiss him. But recently i have been wanting to. i think this is due to feeling lonely... however, several friend of mine say that it can develope over time. idk... being a lesbian and all i don't know. I can understand it being out of lonelyness and then what?

he is a very affectionate person, so am i, and kissing is a big way of showing affection. But so is cuddling and i could spend forever cuddling with him.

with him i can be me. i can be totally me. I can play and goof off with him. i can be weird and just enjoy it.  I always enjoy talking to him and being with him... but its the whole kissing thing that stops me. sex won't happen (even if he were a girl lol)  but i don't know how long i will be able to be physical with him (in any degree other than hand holding and cuddling) before i "lez-out" and my body rejects him.

i love him. i will always love him. but...  i know that i'm feeling these things more intense right now than i will in a week or so. like i said, it comes in waves... but i just don't know what to do.
i don't FEEL lonely right now, yet i wonder if it is due to loneliness that this is so intense.

i need to figure this out soon, because he picked up on it a few days ago and i don't want to lead him on.... its like the song i was listening to just a little while ago " should ignore it, but i want it". but if this ends badly like the last time i dated him.... i don't know if our friendship would survive.