OK, so. i used a make-shift pendulum to figure out this thing with jake. And sadly... these feelings are out of loneliness and are not genuine.
this honestly makes me want to cry. i am so sad... disappointed.. i really wanted it to be real. i really really do/did.
But i know i should trust the pendulum... the last time i used it for relationship advice... it lead me to Katie, my first gf.
So... i guess i just need to ride these feelings out, ignore them.... act like a normally do around jake, and just...idk. gods.. this makes my stomach clench. i really wanted to try again with him... but i know that it wouldn't have ended well and would end up destroying our friendship.
i just... now that i know i want it all to stop. The looking forward to his messages and the disapointment when he doesn't reply or get on.
DAMNIT. why did they have to come anyway? stupid stupid emotions. he is going to get hurt either way (if i raised his hopes from the intnse cuddling from the other day when he came over)... i just have to make sure i'm not alone with him.
Although these emotions are only here because i'm lonely they are here. I can't trust myself with him alone.
this makes my heart heavy... but i know its for the best. This way i won't lose him completely... i just have to deal with these feelings until they fade away. Since its feelings from being lonely then they really should be gone in about 2 weeks. so, i just need to stick with my plan from earlier. If the off chance i do stil feel for him by then, i'll ask the pendulum again.
its sad that gave me a sliver of hope...
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