i'm mad at myself

so... i'm mad at myself....

i shouldn't have flirted with jake the way i did. i should have just acted like a best friend and i shouldn't have done what i did. i shouldn't have let him see a hint of what i was feeling.

if he knew that i liked him again then his hopes would go up (maybe) and then what if my body rejects him again? it nearly destroyed our friendship last time....

i'm so frustrated!!!! i really want to see him again, and i don't know what will happen. ican't exactly think straight when i'm with him, ya know?  Last night... was great. but i shouldn't have let it happen :/
shame on me. i need to shut this thing down!!
but... i don't want to.

i was talking with my mom and she said something that got me thinking. She thinks that i'm afraid of sexual feelings because it means that i don't get to stay in control of myself. and that... is right actually. The thing that caused me to lez-out the last time with jake was i had gone farther than i was ready to with him and it scared the hell out of me.

*sigh* i wish i wasn't a chicken shit and i could let him read all this. he is my best friend afterall.... and i love him as my BEST FRIEND.... but i also love him as something more. shit shit shit. i'm up shit creek without a paddle.

oh and i've decided, no matter what, jake will be in my children's lives. He will either be their dad (meaning i've married him), their god father, their "uncle", or he will be the sperm donor that i use for artificial insemination. LOL.

right. so... fear.... guilt... yeaaaahhhh... i'm screwed.