Listen to the rain

Feeling anti social

Even After a good day,

Curling up in a ball

While listening to the rain,

I'm Thinking back on

what has been worrying me

Knowing that it's so much simpler,

To forget it and be free.

maybe life is simpler

Without the constant stress of sex.

I shouldn't have to try to impress

For myself, I'll be my best. 

So what if I'm so tired,

At least I have a job. 

So what if I'm uninspired? 

That really won't last long.

Companionship will come and go,

This is a fact I know and trust.

I don't mind the ebb and flow,

I just don't have the lust.

People move in circled thoughts,

Money, sex, booze...

I just listen to water drops

And think of what i know I have to lose.

I'm not normal, my body isn't at least.

My soul is the wrong species 

And my sanity is deceased. 

But I live,

Moving on and on.

When it gets hard

I'll just stop and hun a song. 

Life is short, in retrospect 

No need to focus on the shadows.

But it's harder to forget

When you don't see your own gallows.

The dark is quiet and warm,

It doesn't judge like they do. 

Society is rules continue to swarm

But I just try to let them through. 

So as I sit in the dark,

With a blanket covering up to my brain, 

I listen to the beat of my heart,

And I listen to the rain.

Christian cd

Yeah yeah yeah a pagan making a Christian music cd.

Oceans by hillsong

Whom shall I fear by Chris tomlin 

You are more by 10th avenue north -

Love is here by 10th avenue -

How he loves us by David crowder

You raise me up -

Give your eyes - 

Gods not dead

10,000 reasons Matt Redman 

Your love never fails Jesus culture -

One thing remains Jesus culture -

Praise you in this storm casting crowns -

And if our God is for us -

Mirror Barlow girl -

Average girl by Barlow girl -

Beautiful by Bethany Dillon -

Free to be me by Francesca battistelli -

Give me your eyes Brandon heath - 

Anne's CD Track List

1 Bare Necessities
2 Aint no Mountain High Enough by Micheal Bolton and Leona Lewis
3 Perfecr by P!nk
4 Witches Brew by Katy B
5 The Maiden and the Selkie by Heather Dale
6 Stronger by Brittany Spears
7 Best Friend by Weezer
8 Settle Down by Kimbra
9 Candyman by Christina Aguilera
10 Sound of Silence by Disturbed
11 Try by Colbie Calliet
12 Froot by Marina and the Diamonds
13 Rodger Rabbit by Sleeping with Sirens
14 Cheshire Kitten by SJ Tucker
15 The Middle by Jimmy Eats Worlds
16 Believe in Dreams by Flyleaf
17 Defying Gravity by Kerry Ellis
18 Lost by Sunlounger feat. Zara
19 Tangled Up In Me by Skye Sweetnam
20 Far Over the Misty Mountain Cold by Str8 Voices
21 Fee Ra Huri by Omnia
22 Jack vs Hannibal - Epic Rap of History

Racheal is back

Racheal is back. I am so happy to have her home.

but she is getting.
on.
my.
last.
nerve.

we went bowling and she decided to spend the entire time correcting me on how i was bowling. so much to the point that i got so irritated i stopped trying and literally got nothing but - -.

and now she keeps taking my car.

she asked ONCE to take it so that she could take cara to a family christmas party. that was OK.

and tonight she said that i had given her permission to take it tonight, i have no recollection of it. I hope she is aware, i will be charging her gas money.


UGH.

and aparently i'm not allowed to contradict her, EVEN IF IT IS IN A CONVERSATIONAL TONE because its "bickering".

Racheal is home and once again, she just walks on water.

dream analysis : cobra

snake: To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced.
 As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive change.

Cobra: To see a cobra in your dream represents creation and creative energies. Some situation or relationship has you hypnotized.


so my dream last night was about finding a shitton of cobras in my house.
one ended up biting me. It didn't hurt... i just saw the bite marks. no blood. no pain. just holes and the knowledge it bit me. But no fear...

So there is something involving creative energies that i am worried or threatened by or that is coming or going to happen that i don't know about yet.



hmmmmmmmmmm

meditation music:

and the grass grows by itself - Karunesh

I'm just gonna say it

I just tried to do a reading- asking what my near by future holds. What I meant internally was what does it hold in terms of love. 

Almost instantly this came into my head - drowning out any chance I had of focusing on the reading.

"Take the wave now and know that you're free,

Turn your back on the land face the sea,

Face the wind now so wild and so strong,

When you think of me,

Wave to me and send me a song.

Don't look back when you reach the new shore,

Don't forget what you're leaving me for,

Don't forget when you're missing me so,

Love must never hold,

Never hold tight but let go.

Oh the nights will be long,

When I'm not in your arms,

But I'll be in your song, That you sing to me, across the sea.

Somehow, someday, you will be far away,

So far from me and maybe one day,

I will follow you,

And all you do,

'Til then, send me a song.

When the sun sets the water on fire,

When the wind swells the sails of your hire,

Let the call of the bird on the wind,

Calm your sadness and loneliness,

And then start to sing to me,

I will sing to you,

If you promise to send me a song.

I walk by the shore and I hear,

Hear your song come so faint,

And so clear,

And I catch it, a breath on the wind,

And I smile and I sing you a song,

I will send you a song...

I will sing you a song,

I will sing to you...

If you promise to send me a song."

The parts in bold are what were emphasized in my head. They were the message.

I think it was from SG. He and I were lovers in my most recent past life. Our situation is analogous with renesme and Jacob from twilight. 

 And if I'm being 100% honest I'm worried that there will not be a mrs.right because it's him.

So here I am - feeling desperate and irritated and lonely wanting answers and he gives me one: be patient. I'm with you. 

And what do I do? I cry - naturally.

I do feel a little better. But if I'm getting the message right... SG is sending me the song. I'm the lover that left to go away at sea, so to speak.

If I allow myself to think on this I want to ball my eyes out and hold on to him; which I can't do.

The amount of unconditional love and loneliness, and hope and pride in that song... And if that's how he feels towards me? 

I want to cry. Hard.

I would never do something to purposefully cut this life short. But I already feel it will be. And in retrospect, 30 years or so isn't that long of a time. I'll be with him again. 

Till then I can try to connect with people in this life. I can spread love. But I don't think there is a "me. Or mea. Right" out there for me. They are all "mrs. Right now".

And maybe that makes me a bad person. Maybe not. 

I may sound insane. I don't care.

But I'm constantly searching for a companion. Even if it is a mrs. Right now. 

I need that connection with someone. Because when I don't have it for too long, my mind goes back to him. 

And I feel so lonely. 

Pros and cons

So... I don't understand why I'm single.

Pros of dating me: 

I'm smart

I'm funny

I'm beautiful

I'm happy and positive

I'm clingy

I'm romantic

I'm good with kids

I can be spontaneous

I'll go out with you

I'll stay in with you

I'll cuddle

I'll play with you

I'll support you/encourage you

I'll remind you to love yourself

I'll give you lots of "fun facts"

I'll help you remember a line in a song

I'll cook for you

I give wonderful massages

I'll tickle you

I'll give you hugs all the time

Cons:

-My labido is bipolar. Sometimes I'm down for it, although you have to initiate. Other times you're signed up for blue balls.

-I'm clingy

-I will tickle you.

I'm awesome...why the hell am I single?

If I'm answering it honestly? It's cuz it's hard for me to find someone.... Let alone someone I'm both physically and mentally compatible.

Physically meaning chemically. I can find you attractive but if the body chemistry isn't there then it doesn't work.

This morning

So 2 things:

I FINISHED MY FAERIES PAPER 

And

This morning I ran into Anna Claire. This is the girl I had a small crush on last year. She's totally straight lol

Anyway I let her borrow my tigers eye bracelet to help her writing her papers. I'll get it back on Monday. As she was leaving she said I was an awesome person-fairy. She says she has s hard time seeing me as completely human- that she sees me as part fairy or forest nymph or something.

I don't think she has any idea how that means to me. 

It's how I feel. And here is an outsider who really doesn't know much about me saying it. Wow

Scheduling this out

Ok so today I will be in class from 2-6 (I can probably write in my first class if I'm discrete... Get maybe a page written?)

then in stress relieving club meeting from 6-9 - thank the gods

I need to go back to my car and move it to campus. So that's 10? 

If I write till 12 Thats 2 hours.... 2 pages maybe.

Then get home and to bed at 1-ish.... Up by 7:30 to go to class. That's 6 hours of sleep. Eh.

Break is an hour.... I could try to get some done.

Talk to dr. Bunger about writing during the movie...... It's rude but I need to do it... Combined with the break that might get me a page. 

On to caribbean class, that I can def write in. If my laptop doesn't die.. Then I have a break until 3... So that's 3 hours of writing total. 2 pages.

Work 3:30-7:30

Return to school -8. Write till 11 - that's 3 hours . 2 more.

Home by 12 and up at 6 for work. 

All in all that's 8 pages... In the next 2 days. I know I didn't want to work on it on my birthday but I think oli can manage 3 pages after work on my birthday.

Then I might actually get bungees paper done.

Thoth help me!

operation get shit done 3

BUNGER PAPER - 10 more pages.... I can do it!
carribean paper
cancel health insurance policy for next year
apply for scholarhsips

operation: get shit done part 2

this is for Wednesday

-read short story- done
-redo the oceanography quiz - done
-do spanish online homework - done

- do spanish packet
-Call and cancel health insurance policy
- apply for study abroad scholarship
-work on Bunger paper - due dec 7 - I hit page #15..time for bed
-work on short story paper - due dec 7
-work on caribbean paper - due dec 11

Exam schedules

Spanish: Tuesday December 15th 5-7:30
Austin 302

Anth of religion: 11:00 - 1:30 Monday, December 14

Cult of Caribb:11:00 - 1:30 Wednesday, December 16

Short Story: 2:00 - 4:30 Monday, December 14

Oceanography: 2:00 - 4:30 Tuesday, December 15

study abroad scholarships

http://www.ecu.edu/cs-cas/scholarship_opportunities.cfm

Operation: get shit done

To do list:

- buy cold medicine and phone minutes - done

- go to health center - done dun dun dunnnnn i have the common cold

- do Spanish writing - done
- do spanish Packet

- do spanish online homework
- apply for study abroad scholarship

- do BOTH oceanography home works so I don't forget to on Thursday - done

-figure out which missed homework I want to redo -done chapter 8

-email oceanography professor - done
- Carribean homework - DO IN THE MORNING

-work on Bunger paper

- work on short story paper

-work on caribbean paper 

*make sure to eat

everything in bold is what DIDN'T get done.

sixjk day 6

hahahaha that isb supposed to say sick day 6.
i'[m so out of it i can't even type right now hahaha

i feel like nothing is real and everything is a movie and i'm just abasfkljasgdi;qerugh;sdjkbg'ODUGTheo'i

yeah.

my lungs aren't heavy and they don'ty burn but i do styill have the annyoing cough.
i just feel WONKY and weebly wobblty and what the fuck.


i can't focus on anythi8ng and i'm just not ebven here right now what is going on.

i've decided that tomorrow i'm getting up early and coming to campus and writing all day.


just getting my papers DONE.


but today?
fuck topday.

i'm done.


not rerally i have work but yueah.

Sick

So... I'm sick. 

I'm guessing upper respiratory infection. I was worried about bronchitis but it's getting better so I'm not worried about that anymore.

The cough is getting better, although I'm on day 4 of violent coughing. Yesterday was the worst of it.

Now I have stuffy nose, draining sinuses, fatigue, weakness, and the cough.

On the upside my lungs don't burn nearly as bad. Yesterday was like... An 8. Today it's like a 4.

I just still feel bad....

But I font think I'll need to go to the d&d. In Monday - I do seem to be getting better.

Sweet love songs track list

rock love songs:
1. Its been a while

2. right here waiting

3. Here without you

4.never gonna be alone

5.gatta be somebody for me

6. The last night 

7. Comatose 

8. what if i was nothing?

9. everything by life house
10. you and me by life house
11. far away - nickleback
12. cold - crossfade
13. kids in love - may day parade
14.when you say nothing at all
15. the reason by hoobastank
16. Black roses red - alana grace
17. forever - paparoach
18. here's to love by halestorm
19. calling you - blue october
20. Lips of an angel


Indie/pop love songs
1. I wouldn't mind - he is we
2. Happily ever after - he is we
3. Find me - christina grimmie
4. Sparks fly - miranda cosgrove
5. Perfect two
6. Check Yes Juliet
7.  if you like me - we the kings
8. Tangled up in me
9. Accidentally in love
10. If it really means that much to you
12. A thousand years
13. Everywhere by michelle branch
14. Trouble - never shout never
15. Jane Doe Never shout never
16. at the beginning with you
17. love you like a love song
18. i must be dreaming - the maine
19. Amnesia - 5SOS
20. why can't i? - liz phair

Country love songs:
1. fall - clay walker
2. must be doing somethign right
3. bad for me
4. amazed by lonestar
5. when you say nothing at all
6. Jonie and June - heidi
7. want to - sugarland
8. drunk on you - luke bryan
9. cowboy take me away
10. need you now
11. we danced - brad paosley
12. are you gonna kiss me or not?
13. i need you - faith hill
14. god gave me you
15. wanted - hunter hayes
16. honesy bee
17. bless the broken road
18.good morning beautiful
19. dust on the bottle
20. Goes like this 

Encouragement CD tacklist

"it gets better"
1, follow my voice for all those still sleeping
2, unbreakable - fireflight
3, stand in the rain - superchic
4, courage - orainthi
5, if you're going through hell, keep on going
6, so small - carrie underwood
7, never alone - superchic
8, move along
9,  beauty from pain
10. the climb
11. rise above this
12. a little bit stonger
13, you're gonna fly
14, you're not alone - bring me the horizon
15. i won't give in - asking alexandria
16. the light - disturbed
17, stand - rasdcal flats
18. a prophecy - asking alexandria
19. hold on - good charlotte
20. broken wings - flyleaf


"empower yourself"
1. Beautiful by bethany dillion
2. Beautiful by Christina Agulaera
3. i don't give a damn about my bad reputation
4 Confident by demi
5. Invincible by Kelly
6. Try - colbie calliet
7. rock what you got  superchic
8. fragile by christina grimmie
9. don't care  - demi
10. Lala land  - demi
11. piece of me - brittany spears
12. raise your glass - pink
13.freak like me - halestorm
14. loser like me - glee
15. unwritten
16. born this way - lady gaga
17. Brave by sarah barellies
18. firework
19. fight song
20. stronger by brittany

1000

I HIT A THOUSAND POSTS..... oh lord. i don't have much of a life do i? haha

but this is cool :)

Country cd tracklist

S1.Living our love song

2. Alyssa lies

3. Good directions - and turnip greens

4. Beautiful mess by diamond rio

5. Love somebody like you

6. Who wouldn't wanna be me?

7. Southern hallelujah 

8. Small things - brad paisley 

9. She's everything to me -brad paisley 

10. Wild West show - brooks and Dunn

11. Bid my heart goodbye 

12. Crazy girl (don't you know I love you)

13. Suds in the bucket

14. Redneck woman 

15. Amarillo sky

16. Relentless 

17. Wasting all these tears

18. Something bad about to happen 

19. Would you go with me?

20. Bye bye - Jo see masina
21. Fancy - reba


1. bafrefot blue jean night
2. farmer's daughter
3. what was i thinking?
4.Ol' red
5. she don't know shes beautiful
6.stuck like glue sugarland
7. don't take the girl
8. write this down
9. dirt road anthem
10. something to be proud of
11. whiskey lullaby
12. Cruise
13. boondocks
14. i don't dance
15. meet in the middle
16. big green tractor
17. i've been watching you
18. where i come from
19.what i love about sunday
20 ladies love country boys

Faerie self

I know I refer to my faerie self as a different entity but I know she isn't. She and I are like him and yang. 

I am her compassion

Her empathy

Her weaker side

Her selfless side

I want to give and make others happy

I am the humble one.

But she is my strength 

She is my confidence 

She is my selfish desire

She is my cruelty 

She is my pride

and.... 

I think she is my labido.

I have found that the more I give in to her... The more she comes out the higher my labido is. 

In the current romantic situation I'm in, it is solely on her playing around. She gets to come out more often... And the same can be said of my labido.

To describe her accurately would to say combine the personalities of poison ivy and Catwoman.

I fear her but I need her. 

We are one and the same. 

I don't fear her... I fear what I would become if I embrace her and gator calling her "her". 

I fear what I will become if I embrace both sides of me.

But the more often she comes out, he closer I get to it.

Hm.

Anne's cd

Bare necessities 

Ain't no mountain high and no valley low

Perfect by pink

Witches brew by Katy B

The maiden and the selkie 

Stronger by Brittany spears

Best friend by weezer 

Settle down by kimbra

Candy man 

Hello darkness by disturbed

Try by colbie calliet

Froot by marina 

Rodger rabbit 

Cheshire kitten 

The middle -  jimmy ears world 

Believe in dreams by flyleaf

Defying gravity

Far over the misty mountains cold - str8

Fee rah huri - omnia

Hannibal vs jack the ripper

I WILL PASS

I WILL PASS MY OCEANOGRAPHY CLASS

he takes off the lowest 2 homework grades

and is debating a "grace period" and let everyibe retake one homeowrk test.



FUCK YEAH

even if he doesn't do the grace period..


I WILL PASS

My hero pt2

Almost everything I blogged about last time is better after dr. Bunger gave me that stone.

My car is fine. - needs a tune up but is fine

I've register for my classes

The grad student who teaches my lab has my missing notebook.

I'm still worried about each and cara but that can't be helped.

Everything will be fine.

angel again...

i keep trying to find this so  here is the link for later

http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2013/12/angel-original-short-story-by-lisa.html.

here is the one for simon says too
http://pixieluv4.blogspot.com/2014/10/simon-says-original-short-story.html

Snuggle

I just want to snuggle. 

Curl up under the covers with someone in a warm bed.

And be held. 

To feel safe and secure.

Warm and protected.

Next to someone who cares or I care about.

Soft blankets. Warmth. Feelings of safety and love.

availability for work Spring 2016

availability for work Spring 2016

Mon Wed Friday: 12:30 - close
Tues Thurs : 5-11

Sat: any
Sun: 7am-10pm

ok math:

MWF she would prolly give me 6 hour shifts of varying times. so = 18 hours
saturday could be anything so 6 hour shift = 24 hours
add that with tues and thurs = 36 hours
and sunday = 42 hours


so. yeah i sould be good with availabiliy.

i know for a fact i won't get that many hours, but bye bye cash register hello customer lead shifts!

my hero

Dr. Bunger is my hero.

i basically balbbered to him all about whats wrong at the moment. Everything in my last blog as well as about Cara's surgery and Racheal...

and he brought me a stone.

he asked if i remembered the stones from the Jivaro that the womwne would get on their spirit journey and that would help them and make things well.

then he said that this (red jasper) could be my stone for the academic and car troubles i was having.

bless him.

i love this man so much.

my hero <3

i can't win

i just can't win today

• My car breaks down. after hours of waiting and stress i find out that they couldn't figure out what was wrong, so they are going to look into it more tomorrow. or actually what it was - there is so much wrong with my car they don't know heads from tails.
• i don't know how the hell i am going to afford fixing it when they do finally find a cause.
• the biological anthropology lab is covering the part that i litterally DO NOT FOLLOW. AT ALL. i litterally hate this part of the course. and you know what? its a big fucking part of the next exam. oh joy!
• i had barley anything to wat or drink from 6am - 7pm since then i have had 2 bottles of water and spagetti. 
• i am fighint off a possible sinus infection
• i left earring hole is VERY infected.
• i now have a headache
• MY  NOTEBOOK IS MISSING.  somewhere in the chaos that was tonight my primary notebook i use for ALL MY CLASSES is missing. i can't find it anywhere. 
• and to top it all off? i'm emotionally unstable because i started my fucking period today.

recap: i am car-less, feeling stupid, in pain, and emotionally unstable.

i honestly don't know if i can make it through tomorrow. i seriously just want to crawl into a hole and stay there in the cool darkness.

but i've missed my 3 days in spanish class. so i have to go.

I

just

can't

win.

Fail

I'm going to fail oceanography.

I realized today I missed 3 online homeworks that I can't make up. 

Now even if I make 100s on the last 3 homeworks and do well on the last 2 tests I'll scrape by the skin of my teeth at MOST a C-.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I'm taking in of the tests today and don't feel very confident about it. 

I need to will it into being. 

I have to do well on this test.

I have to do well in this test. 

I have to do well on this test.

I will do well on this test.

I will do well on this test.

phantom of the opera otome game

BE STILL MY CRAZY FAN GIRL HEART

https://sandeian.wordpress.com/2012/08/24/otome-game-review-persona-opera-za-no-kaijin/


for me to read and squeal over later.

poison Ivy

so... the other night.... my friends wanted to make a fire for their fireplace and needed wood. So naturally he walks into the woods and gets a unch of stcks... and made me hold some.


next morning? Poison Ivy.

And this shit spreads like a forest fire.......

last night it was in my hears, my scalp, my eyes, my legs my stimaxh and back... a litttle on my arms but not too bad.

I took an oatmeal bath. I used an oatmeal paste. I now how calemine lotion on.

the paste worked magic.... but anywhere ther wasn't paste has now exploded with the rash.


however - the spreading is a misconception.

after 6 hours the oils naturally leave the skin... an outbreaks after that is from residue oil on clothes or isn't actually "spreading"; its just came into contact with the oil after other parts so the rash appears later.

Its not contagious after the first 6 hours.

i am miserable...



the first day it was all over my left side.  It has since gone down a good bit.
now its all over my right side....

I hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

please let this ends SOON.

speaking to professors

OK so i have this issue with talking to professors.

There is only one professor i am 100% comfortable just going up and talking to: Dr. Bunger. and thats because he is just so easy to talk to and so open and accepting of people. he just oozes nice-ness.

i could say the same thing about Dr. Loudon, but for some reason i can talk to him. He just seems... too cool?

like..Dr. Bunger i see as a mentor, and thus although i admire and respect him VERY much, i am more comfortable with him.

Dr. Loudon....idk i always feel like if i try to talk to him i'd be bothering him... or i get nervous and don't know what to say. but he is SO nice and friendly that i WANT to talk to him. i guess...i feel unworthy?

like the other day i waved to him in the halls while i walked to class and he was talking to someone. i didn't even think he saw me but he stoped talking long enough to say "hey lisa" and i swear i about exploded. he actually remembered my name. i was shocked.


i really need to work on this self-confidence thing.

and it isn't JUST Dr. Loudon, i feel like i'm bothering almost any professor when i go up and talk to them. But i guess i admire Dr. Loudon so much he's the one that sticks in my brain?

i think i have him on this pedestal in my mind and thus i am too low to talk to him?

i did/do the same thing with peers as well. If someone seems too awesome, i get shy and feel like i cant talk to them.

how do i get over that?

especially when i actually do want to talk to those people?

Self talk

So... Good things seem to be going on in my life. I feel like I did well on a very important midterm. I got to see a great movie. I have wonderful friends. I got good hours this week at work...

So why do I feel down?

I feel kinda empty. 

Like I just want to be hugged but no amount of hugs would ever be enough.

I miss my sister so bad it makes me want to cry. 

I'm worried I'll never find mrs. Right... I know I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me... But it seems so many people I know are engaged or married now. 

I recently posted some honest opinions on some friends' pages, might as well do it to myself.  I will leave myself a message as if I were speaking to someone else.

They say self talk is a conversation with the universe... I will speak this into being.

Lisa. You are a warm and loving person who impacts the lives of everyone you meet. You are quick to smile and laugh and your joy Is contagious. You are strong and brave enough to embrace love and spread it unconditionally. You make it your goal to make others feel loved and secretly that is what you want to feel as well although you would never ask it from anyone. You are loyal and compassionate. Smart. And your positive and free spirit lifts the spirits of those around you. You need to see your value. Accept that loving yourself is enough and you do need to truly love yourself. Embrace your natural ability to love and don't deny yourself that gift. It is through love (for others and self) that you will truly live. Do not fear what is to come, embrace it with a smile just as you would friend. Be fearless through love for it it the only thing you do not fear at all. 

As I write this, I will it to be so.

for bio anth lab 3 hours straight

smokey while i studied:

Rested on bed  - 10 minutes
shifted to change position - i minute
rested - one min
changed position and pawed at me to pet him  - 1 minute
i engage in petting - 3 mintes
he stands up and throws himself on me - one minute
we engage in petting  - 5 minutes
he gets up and moves 1 minute
lays down on pillow behind me - 1 minute
rests and watches me - 5 minutes
sleeps - 32 minutes

= 61 min

wakes, shifts, 1min
rests - 5 min
sleeps - 13 min
i shift - waking him - 1 min
he stands - i min
rubs against me as he walks across my lap - 1 min
walks around my room - 1 minute
sits on my dresser - 1 minute
meows at me wall - 2 minutes while i talk to him.
he stares at me - 1 minute
i call him over and he comes - 1 minute
i hold him - 1 minute
walks around room again sit on other dresser -1
meows - 1
scratches on wall - 1 minute
i yell. he stops. 1 min
sits while watching outside  - 10 minutes
walks back to me - 1 min
rests beside me on the pillow - 1 minute
rest.1 min
sleeps - 15 minutes

= 61

wakes, moves to my lap, lays. - 7  minutes while i pet him.
i move him, he curls up not too far from me and rests. - 3 minues
i lay on him and snuggle into his stomach - 2 mintes
i get up, he shifts position - 1 minute
sleeps - 22 minutes

=35

wakes, stretches, paws at me, 1minute
i pet - 2 minutes, he shifts,
bathes himself - 6 minutes
rests and watches me - 17 minutes
hears a noise and bcomes alet - 1 minute
noise repeats and e jumps off the best and out the room - 1 minute
 = 28

= 185 = 3 hours.

Hopeful

For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful of the future. Not the near future but the far future.

In the past thinking of the future left me feeling hopeless. Trapped. Caged. Filled with dread. Fear.

Now? Hope. Excitement.

I actually have an achievable plan for the future. 

I won't go into too many details, lest I jinx it,but I have a plan with my mother that will allow her dreams to come true and mine simultaneously.

I will have my writing career. And be able to coach tennis. 

I have found a way to realistically support myself and be a writer at the same time.

I will be able to devote hours to writing. Letting it engulf me... All the while not be starving and living out of a cardboard box.

In a sense... I will be free, not caged. Doing something that I love and helping out my mother as well.

I will still be exposed to people, I can write, and have tennis in my life.

For the first time I am truly hopeful for the future , instead of scared.

I almost can't wait.

Faerie Faith

I am a firm believer in faeries.
This used to be something i was slightly embarrassed about and didn't really go around advertising.
now?
HEY GUYS I LOVE FAERIES. FAERIE FRIEND <- RIGHT HERE.

i am unashamed. Its something i have a passion about.
Learning about them from cultures all over the world puts my spirit on cloud nine.
Just talking about them puts a light in my eye and a fire in my heart.

why should i be ashamed of something that brings me so much joy?
i shouldn't.

My past life aside, faerie lore is a passion.
No one should ever feel ashamed or embarrassed for their passion.

I'm learning to embrace my passion, its who i am. What is life without passion? Without learning?

i refuse to hide my faerie faith.

it makes up a big part of who i am and i am finding out, as i write this paper, that i am not only unashamed of it, but i am proud of my love of faeries.

And the more sure i am in this faith, the more experiences i have with them,

• They were some of the first people to comfort me when my heart truly broke for the first time. 
• they come check on me when i'm falling asleep.
• They beckon me to come see them in the woods in my neighborhood, although i have yet to develop the courage to come when they call. 
• at least on one occasion i've had one accompany me on a walk through the neighborhood in the form of a firefly. (how do i know it was a faerie? It stayed beside me the entire time, alnost in a straight line, and only when i was surrounded by a lot of metal - a bunch of trailers and cars- did it leave me. It came directly from the area of trees i had talked to and i never saw it fly away...it simply disappeared.)
• i've had numerous experiences with the house faeries. NUMEROUS.... one of which included an audible sound (i closed one in the door and it screamed. i thought i had shut a cat in the door but when i opened the door - i saw nothing. when i went to shut the door again, something physiclally stopped the door.)

My faerie faith is strong. They know this and so they interact with me (not often, but they do).

I am unashamed  and i am honest about my faith. I love them and i respect them. 

in no way does my belief in them harm me, just the opposite. it enriches my life - is that not the purpose of a faith? 

CD for Rach

So I've got some rock, pop, and country (in case you're missing some southern twangs ;) ) and of course one or two weird songs cuz i'm weird.

1. Connected  - because this was our song and you know you like it... don't deny it.
2. I miss you by Blink 182 - because i do.
3. Soldiers by Otherwise - because i think of you when i hear it.
4. **
5. The Maiden and the Selkie - a calm song for you? Plus i use to sing it a lot to practice for the talent show. make you think of me?
6. So far away by staind - because no matter what mistakes MAY happen they will never change who you are and how far you've come.
7.  One of us - this song will forever remind me of you. Its the song i sang for you the day before you first left for your first basic training.
8. So far away by avenged sevenfold - a sad song but i feel like its one you would like. 
9. Stronger - Britany Spears - becase everyone needs a power song. plus...seriously. Its Britany Bitch.
10. Red White and Blue by toby keith - because you're answering the call. and...'MURICA,
11. The call of the mountian by eluveitie  - because celtic rock? why not. bagpipes and guitar = yes. 
12. Sweet Child O'Mine by The Harp Twins - because the harp is relaxing and its twins and i just really wanted to share it with you. 
13.  Brave by sara bareilles - because you are honestly one of the bravest people i know. You don't back down. You don't give up. You don't keep quiet, you stand up.
14. When i'm gone by 3 Doors down - because its a song that reminds me of middle school and i always had you around. Now i can only have you for a bit and you're gone again. 
15.  Flashlight by Jesse J - because you're my flashlight.
16.  Already home by A great big world - because the when i heard this i burst into tears. I swear i'm not trying to make you homesick... but this was too perfect.
17.  Unbreakable by Fireflight - because you ARE UNBREAKABLE
18. Phantom of the Opera by Lindsey Sterling - because if nothing reminds you of me this will. 
19. Stand by Rascal Flats - because no matter how hard it gets, you can get through it.
20. Unhappily Ever After by Cjaye Lerose - because i had to end it on a light note and you and i found this gem in middle school when she first wrote this song. 

***hidden track (if it fits) Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans - because heart break doesn't last forever. And it kills me that i wasn't there when it happened. That i couldn't hold you and threaten to beat him up. I couldn't be a good sister. 

Rape.

I found out that someone I know raped a good friend of mine. She didn't press charges because underage drinking water involved.

This is the same someone I've hung out with before, alone. I always got an "off" or "be cautious" vibe from him. Now I know why.

I am so. Pissed. 

Rape is horrid. 

A fate worse than death. 

And this person... 

I feel sick. 

And I've been rude to him and if he approaches me to ask about it I don't know if I can keep myself composed.

past, present, future.

“It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”

― Hugh Laurie


This reminds me of another quote:

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

― Lao Tzu

heres the thing... to be in the present or the "now".... takes courage. Being afraid is far more easier than actually living life in the present.

Its why there are so many worriers.

i know i am trying to give up and renounce useless fears. I know some of my best memories are from when i said "carpe diem" and went for somethign - living in the present.

That kind of bravery comes in waves.

and for some unknown reason instead of geting braver - lately i am regressing.
i find myself becoming more fearful and anxious in my daily life.

but when it comes to spirituality i don't feel anxiety. doubt yes, but not fear. i feel safe and good enough whenever i focus my attention on spirituality.

but spirituality deals with the other side.
life? thats scary stuff.

i am finding myself afraid the more i try to renounce fear.

I use to focus on the past... for years. It seemed i was only able to focus on the present for a hours at most. Then i became stuck int he future.

I'm constantly trying to get ready because i'm afraid of the future. If i live in the present i might have failure in the future.

I want to live in the present...and sometimes when my mind is clear and i realize the present moment, for a few seconds i am without fear. completely. Moments like that are rare.... and when they come i have no desire to work on the things that make me anxious.

Like the faerie paper.... as much as i love them, the paper terrifies me. I know i need to work on it but i don't even know how to start... so i stress about it. When a clarity moment hits me... i think of the paper and how little it is in the scheme of things... i can breathe... then once again i am immersed in cold fear.

I truly am a coward.  I am afraid to live, because when ever i feel the present moment i know that i won't feel fear...and if i don't feel the fear i don't prepare for the future. Because i don't care about the future.

I don't know how to achieve balance....
thankfully i have not returned to my fixation on the past.

But if i stay stuck on future i will never really move forward and if i am in the present then i have no fear to motivate me.

how do i fix myself?

My present self is dangerous... she is the one that can stand up against those who cast negativity. She is the one that can inflict damage with a smile. She is the strong one. She is the playful one. The one i call my "faerie side"

I love the fresh air that being in the present gives me... its intoxicating... but its reckless. Its like my Euphoric phases when i wasn't on my meds.

but the anxiety of the future, if it gets any worse, will paralyze me.

I want to be that reckless girl who lives in the moment and doesn't care about the ocnsequences because this life is temporary and short and nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things.

but i'm too smart for that. i know consequences matter. which is why i worry and fuss....

i truly wish i could live in the moment, but its dangerous, without a dose of fear.

except i let the fear control me.

how do i balance it? as it is i'm 100% one or the other. how do i even out and live in now while i prepare for the future?

Shitty day

So it seems like nothing is going right today.

- I slept past my alarm.

- Got stuck behind slow people in traffic. 

-Missed my first class.

-Found out that my 40 Dollar ticket to bush gardens is all but useless because the day we were all going to go... IT ISNT OPEN. I already took that day off from work... It's too late to take the new day off. 

-The ticket is NON-REFUNDABLE.

So I will be taking some weekend off this month and going by myself, otherwise I wasted 40 bucks.

-My shift got cut today. I got shit hours last week, now I'll be getting shit hours this week.

-I'm stuck in my dorky uniform all day for no reason.

- I'm fucking hungry but can't afford to by anything because I'm getting shit hours!!

Is anything going right?

-I didn't die on my way to school.

- I turned in my culture of Caribbean hw.

Gods give me patience because I feel like I'm ready to stab something.

And it's only 1.

website ources fro caribbean paper

http://www.treehugger.com/culture/mysteries-african-shamanism-what-cant-be-explained-must-be-experienced.html

http://www.shamanportal.org/shamanism_african.php

https://books.google.com/books?id=xcdrAwAAQBAJ&pg=PT5&lpg=PT5&dq=What+role+did+south+african+shamanism+play+in+the+caribbean?&source=bl&ots=yYG1Sf4p5s&sig=cFTkAwa4yl2r8yB8jaxcNhLYkA8&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CDcQ6AEwBGoVChMIhbGpx8OryAIVgxk-Ch2N7QQx#v=onepage&q=What%20role%20did%20south%20african%20shamanism%20play%20in%20the%20caribbean%3F&f=false

grape wars (scene for possible novel?)

I looked around in envy. I was in a formal dress and even though it was lighter than silk i felt like i was suffocating. I feigned a smile and was all elegance as i was shown off to different court officials. All around me was food. The smell of meat wafting in the air made me suppress a grimace, though i was distracted when i noticed movement. While the host happily talked to some stffy official i noticed the court's Master spy watching us, his hand tossing a grape up and down. He seemed amused as my eyes followed the movement. My eyes narrowed as he wiggled the grape and then plopped it in his mouth.

His blue eyes seemed to light up at the resentment in mine. I turned my head with obvious huff and tried to focus on the many faces that were being thrown before me. I noticed that i only had a few more tables to go before i could finally EAT SOMETHING. Seriously it had been what... eight hours since i last ate? I was at a banquet for crying out loud!

"You're hieghness how are you likeing our humble abode?" asked some small man in front of me. When i opened my mouth i was suddenly struck silent. A flying object had ricocheted off of a near by wall and into my mouth.  As my mouth shut it was flooded with the sweet juice of a grape. I quickly turned to see the blue eyed elf facing the opposite direction, his shoulders moving up and down as he laughed. It made his black ponytail dance. I cracked a smile.

I finished my small talk with the man and was dragged to the next table, and then to sweet delicious dinner. Unfortunatley this last courtier was long winded. All he wanted to do was dress me in compliments and say how happy he was that i had come to this villiage, yadda yadda thank you princess yadda yadda. I blushed when my stomach finally made it's audible protest. The gentlemand and the host seemed almost shocked. what?  I'm human. I NEED FOOD.

Thankfully not long after that i was allowed to advance to the banquet table. I piled my plate, not too high lest i seem glutenous an unlady like, and quickly looked for a table to perch. I noticed one, just beyond the spy's table. Once again he was tossing a grape while he chatted with an associate. I smiled, and walked over. Surprisingly he didn't seem to notice and with a satisfying snap of my jaw, i ae the grape out of the air. It was sweet, almost as sweet as seeing the look of surprise on his beautiful face. I nearly giggled.

Not long after i sat, my ladies in waiting came to me and we conversed happily.But this time of pleasantries weren't to last. Then long winded man from before i stood up and made a toast. Drawing everyon'e attention he went on and on about how it was so good to have a time or merriment while the country was at war. It preserved a sence of peace withing. Yadda yadda yadda.  I stole a glance at the spys and saw they master spy, who's name i still couldn't remember, had his head in his hands, an expression of utter digust and boredom reflected from his wine glass.

Ever so sneakily i snuck a grape into my hand and when i thought no one was paying any attention i threw it at him. I was never one to boast about good aim, but even as the fruit sailed over his head his hand flew up and caught it. His eyes narrowed at me, asking me what the hel i was doing. In return i stuck my tongue out at him. He looked at me as if i was crazy but i could see a smile creeping at the corner of his mouth.

I fanned myself and feigned falling alseep, then cast an evil look at the courtier who was STILL talking. He nodded and then faced away from me. I couldn't help but pout a bit, i was hoping he would play with me. I sighed and nudged my closest friend, and started whispering about the courtier's obvious wig. When he finally finished and we all took a sip of our drinks, the music began again and all continued as before.

After a while i grew bored again, my ladies had dispersed and were talking with the locals. I didn't know anyone and was now isolated. I watched the people around the room, the laughs and the ones falling asleep. As my gaze driffted from one side to another i allowed it to drift to the table near mine with the darkly clad men who wore the allied kingdom's spy insignia. I was not at all prepared for what i saw.

The three men had all turned to face me. Each of their faces frozen in the most bizarre and silly ways. I quickly covered my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Without a moment's hesitation i turned away and stuffed as many grapes into my mouth as i could possibly fit and turned to smile at them. The poor man sitting next to his leader was suddenly covered in a spray of wine as his friend friend gave a surprised laugh. Which caused me to laugh and nearly choke.

I was struck by his easy smile. He was rather handsome, his jaw had strong lines, high cheekbones, deep blue eyes framed with ebony black hair. He was definitely nice to look at. A man approached him and whispered in his ear. The leader quickly excused himself and left the room. With that the dinner quickly fell into it boring rhythm.

Later while in my room, i was talking with my dearest lady in waiting, Clara, about the spy's and the master spy. She laughed and said that it wasn't that surprising. As serious as his job was Shade, that was he was called apparently, was a jester in personality.

"Although he generally only shows that side of himself to friends. He usually doesn't like new comers." She seemed thoughtful but then shrugged."he is handosme though...." she nudged my arm and i just rolled my eyes. "Although, its actually a disguise. Only his closest friends know what he really looked like. Being part faebeing er... elf? as you would call him? he has the ability to change his appearance."  I nodded. Glamour... fascinating.

When she left to draw my bath i sighed, wondering how i was going to get along with the people here. I was so unused to being treated as royalty. Two weeks ago i was sleeping on a hard floor and now, i looked at my big bed and shook my head. Fate was a weird thing.

When it was ready i walked to the bath and dismissed Clara and sank into the steaming water. I loved how they could turn it colors here, mine tonight was a deep purple, though it never stained the skin.

"Don't fall alseep there princess"came a deep voice. It was a pleasant one, it hinted at laughter. My eyes opened though i didn't rise from the water. Sitting across the room was a beautiful creature. Stunning. There was something familiar about him but i didn't immediately recognize him. He had golden blonde hair, a narrow and angled face and his eyes. They were emerald green but there was a familiar glint to them.

He cast me a playful grin and walked over to me. I froze. Even among "allies" there are still threats. THAT lesson was ingrained in me long before i was given a  throne. He helped up his hands in a gesture of peace, but till continued to come to me.

"Be at ease princess. I mean no harm. I'v heard a lot about you... from pauper to princess all thanks to a little prophecy." He mused, kneeling down next to the tub. In a lightning fast motion he had my hair wash in his hands and was motioning for me to sit up. Hesitantly i did and he began to massage floral smelling suds into my hair.

"I think you will do well. This country is in a time of great transition. You are kinda. Smart." He paused and seemed to chuckle to himself. "Spunky. It will do everyone a world of good." He brought up a cup and begant o pour warm purple water over my head to rinse out the soap. His touch was very gentle, and i found myself completely relaxed.

"However, you are vulnerable here. You don't know your way around court. You're too honest; you'll make enemies. We may not be from the same kingdoms... but i'll keep an eye out for you." In a swift motion he pressed a kiss to my forehead and turned way. Once at the door, he threw something at me, and landed in the water. He cast me a devastating smile and was gone.  I stared at the grape floating in the water for a good ten minutes after that.

Faeire Paper Outline

*** whenever i meantion "in each country" i will be using the "fairy faith in celtic countries" book because it goes in depth with the different countries

What is a faerie:

1. Origins -
1. quote website... then say that the paper will focus on celtic origins
1. http://www.timelessmyths.com/celtic/faeries.html
2. Which countries are considered celtic?
3. for the purpose of this paper the term Faerie will be used to describe any beings from the Celtic Otherworld
2. Origin of the word
3. Tuatha De Dennan -> Sidhe -> faeries (use link in comparison blog)
4. Fallen Angel Theory
5. Otto theory
2. Characteristics 
1. Glamour (quote Iron King)
2. Iron
3. Shape.... go into the wide variety (humanoid like elves, animalish like kelpie...sizes.... irish vs sweedish elves)
3. Types
1. stereotypical ideology of faeries - "tinkerbell" to "Legolas" to "rock trolls in frozen"
2. Element type fairies
1. Water - Selkies, merrows,  kelpie
2. fire - 
3. wind - 
4. "earth" - trolls, gnomes, dwarves

Organization

1. Courts (see if there is variation amung countries on courts.... or if it is just scottish)
1. Seelie
2. Unseelie
3. Wild/Solitary
4. House Faeries

How the belief affects the culture

1. olden times
2. modern times 
1. physical effects 
1. artitecture/roadays (iceland article:  http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/13/world/europe/building-in-iceland-better-clear-it-with-the-elves-first.html?_r=0 )
2. cultural effects -
1. books, plays, folk songs 
1. Heather Dale the fair folk
2. Bansidhe/banshee and other still actively used and believed in each country

How the belief has evolved through religion

1. Why would it be grouped into religion? - based off of definition of religion (i'll give examples that fit).... re-bring up Otto. 
2. pagan belief in faeries
3. Christian belief in faeries 
1. ^^^ these two would involve my conversations with people... but they weren't interviews...exactly? just conversations.

Conclusion

1. restate what the celtic faeries are
2. Why was the belief in them so important
3. how is it still important now

*anthropomorphic = human like

to get an idea of abstarct: http://issuu.com/lookout_2014/docs/the_lookout_2

page 37

Halloween/spooky CD track list

i'm going to make my own Halloween/Spooky CD! heres the songs i'm thinking:

1. Bones by MrMs
2. Boogie man song from 
3. Witchy Woman by the Eagles
4. Monster Mash
5. Calling all the monsters by China Anne McClain
6. Vampire Heart by HIM
7. Sombody's watching me
8. Monster by Skillet
9. this is halloween by mailan manson
10. Disturbia by Rihana
11. Mirrors by envy on the coast
12. A Gorey Demise by Creature Feature
13. if she only knew voodoo like i do by Get Scared
14. Don't fear the reaper by pierce the veil
15. Voodoo by Godsmack
16. People are stramge by Echo and the Bunnymen
17. vampires are alive by dj bobo
18. Witch's Bew by Katy B
19. Dark Horse Cover by Tera Brite and Epicc
20. Thriller/Heads will roll by Glee Cast
21. Frankenstein and the bride by BOTDF

Everything ends

Corey and I broke up today. It ended well, we are still on good terms. I went over today to talk to her but not much was said. Instead we kind of just sat there and then I gathered my stuff and went home.

It's kind of disappointing but everything ends, nothing lasts forever. And it's better than continuing when we both know it wasn't working.

Now let's see what life has in store.

Warning this post is about sex.

Or rather... Pleasure. 

I have come to form a theory about why I have the issues with sex that I do. I describe it as a "line" that once I cross things aren't enjoyable. Here is a better explanation I came up with at 11:10 at night while trying to fall asleep.

Levels.

There are different levels. (And examples)

1-3 are things like hugs, cuddling, baths, and the like. Non erotic pleasure.

4 kissing or massages

5 I call it sensuality but I guess it's considered foreplay?

6 hardcore make out session 

7 

8 is the farthest I've been able to endure before stopping. Most cases the "line" is between 7 & 8 and that's where it stops being enjoyable to me. Too intense.

9 I don't know.

10 I've only experienced in erotic dreams.

There. I have found a way to make sense of my weirdness. I only enjoy certain levels of pleasure.. After that although it "feels good" because it's pleasure, it doesn't feel good to me and I don't like it. 

The only erotic levels I will actually crave are up to 6. Anything past that I don't ever actually seek out.

Thank you sleep deprived brain.

Faerie Paper Outline

so here is what i'm thinking...

1. What is a faerie:
1. Origins -
1. quote website... then say that the paper will focus on celtic origins
1. http://www.timelessmyths.com/celtic/faeries.html
2. Which countries are considered celtic?
2. Tuatha De Dennan -> Sidhe -> faeries (use link in comparison blog)
3. Fallen Angel Theory
4. Otto theory
2. Characteristics 
1. Glamour (quote Iron King)
2. Iron
3. Shape.... go into the wide variety (humanoid like elves, animalish like kelpie...sizes.... irish vs sweedish elves)
3. Types
1. Nature/trees - dryads, piskies - or just 1 from every country to compare
2. Water - Selkies, merrows,  kelpie
2. Organization
1. Courts (see if there is variation amung countries on courts.... or if it is just scottish)
1. Seelie
2. Unseelie
3. Wild/Solitary
4. House Faeries
3. How the belief affects the culture
1. olden times
2. modern times (iceland article:  http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/13/world/europe/building-in-iceland-better-clear-it-with-the-elves-first.html?_r=0 )
4. How the belief has evolved through religion
1. Why would it be grouped into religion? - based off of definition of religion (i'll give examples that fit).... re-bring up Otto. 
2. pagan belief in faeries
3. Christian belief in faeries 
1. ^^^ these two would involve my conversations with people... but they weren't interviews...exactly? just conversations.
5. Conclusion
1. restate what the celtic faeries are
2. Why was the belief in them so important
3. how is it still important now

The Archetypal Biography of Woman

"Woman is the creator of the universe,

the universe us her form;

woman is the foundation of the world, 

she is the true form of the body.

Whatever form she takes,

Whether the form of a man or a woman,

is the superior form.

In woman is the form of all things,

of all that lives and moves in the world.

There is no jewl rarer than woman,

there is no condition superior to that of a woman.

There is not, nor has been, nor will be

any destiny to equal that of a woman;

there is no kingdom, no wealth

to be compared with a woman;

there is not, nor has been, nor will be

any holy place like unto a woman.

there is no, nor has been, nor will be

any yoga to compare with a woman,

no mystical formula nor ascetism

to match a woman.

There are not, nor have been, nor will be

any riches more valuable than woman"

- Saktisangama Tantra

BOOK WISHLIST (compilation)

here is my list of books to read.... (took me over   4.5 hours to make this list... going off of new finds and previous lists)
Bold = books i want more than othes

MAGIC/FANTASY/ADVENTURE (might feature faeries etc. but not the main thing)
Darkness Series - F.K. Breene
Throne of Glass Series - (i already have book 1&2)
The Avaonia Chronicles by  Farah Oomerbhoy
The Medoran Chronicles by Lynette Noni
Pirates of Orea Series by Lani Wooldland
Madly Series by M. Leighton
Devil's Isle series by Chloe Niell
ANYTHING BY CASSANDRA CLARE
Huntress by Malinda Lo
A knight to remember by Bridget Essex
Forever and a knight by Bridget Essex
The Dragon Diaries Trilogy by Deborah Cooke
Voices of Dragons by Carrie Voughn
The Princess's Dragon by Susan Trombley
Shadows Cast by stars by Catherine Knutsson
Transcendence books by CJ Omololu
"Eon" and "Eona" by Alison Goodman
The Dragon Kinc Chronicles by Ellen Oh
Valkyrie Rising by INGRID PAULSON
Covenant series by  Jennifer L. Armentrout
Cleopatra's Moon by Vicky Alvear Shecter
The Chaos of Stars by KIERSTEN WHITE


FAERIES
Fae Chronicles by Amelia Hutchins
Creepy Hollow Series by Rachel Morgan
Iron Fey series (including the forgotten triology)by Julie Kagawa
The darkest oart of the forst by Holly Black - i love this author
The Faery Reel: Tales from the Twilight Realm by  Ellen Datlow
Contessa: Princess of the Summer Fae by Graylin Fox
"Feyland" Trilogy and "Feyguard" books by Anthea Sharp
Bandia books by Talia Vance


MERMAIDS
Syrenka series by Amber Garr
Secrets of Carrick series by Amanda Braxton-Smith
Mer Tales Series bu Brenda Pandos
The Seamonster Memoirs by Karen Amainda Hooper
The Syrena Legacy by Anna Banks
Fins by Terra Lyn Childs
Lost Voices series by Sarah Porter
Breathless by Cole Gibson
Ingo by Helen Dunmore
Sirens Storm books by Lisa Papademetriou
Above World trilogy by Jenn Reese

VAMPIRE/ANGEL/DEMON/SUPERNATURAL
Desolation Trilogy by Ali Cross
Drawn by Marie Lamba
Sojourner series by Maria Rachel Hooley
Deep in Your Veins series by Suzanne Wright
The Unearthly series by Laura Thalassa
Afterlife Saga by Stephanie Hudson
Dark Angel by Bridget Essex
Velveteen by Daniel Marks
Hemlock triology by Kathleen Peacock
Oracle by Gina Rosati
Something strange and deadly tilogy by Susan Dennard
Possess by Gretchen McNeil
The Selection series by Kiera Cass
Red Queen trilogy by Victoria Aveyard



BASED ON FAIRYTALES/CLASSIC NOVELS/RETELLINGS/SPIN-OFFS
Roses and thorns by Chris Anne Wolf
Tiger Lilly by  Jodi Lynn Anderson
As white as snow by Tanith Lee

Gay Pride and Prejudice by Kate Christie

The Dark Wife by Sarah Diemer

Ash by Malinda Lo

Mechanica by Betsy Cornwell
Unbound trilogy by Eve Marie Mont
Faerie Tale Collection by Jenni James
The Jane Austin Diaries by Jenni James <3 <3 <3
Splintered trilogy by A.G. Howard (i have book 1)
Scarlet trilogy by A.C. Goughen
East by Edith Pattou
Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow by Jessica Day George
Cruel Beauty by Rosamund Hodge
Fairytale Retellings series by Jackson Pearce
A White So Red by Krystal Jones, K.D. Jones
The Diamond Secret by Suzanne Weyn, Larry Rostant
The Wild Orchid: A Retelling of "The Ballad of Mulan" by Cameron Dokey
Spirited by Nancy Holder
The Princesses of Westfalin Trilogy by Jessica Day George
Woodcutter Sisters trilogy by Alethea Kontis
Wildwood books by Juliet Marillier
Entwined by HEATHER DIXON
The Child Thief by Brom
Mylena Chronicles by Chloe Jacobs
The Hallow trilogy by Jessica Verday
Wild by ALEX MALLORY
The Madman's Daughter trilogy by Megan Sheperd
Pretty Crooked by ELISA LUDWIG
The Trouble with Flirting by CLAIRE LAZEBNIK
Prom and Prejudice by Elizabeth Eulberg
Epic Fail by CLAIRE LAZEBNIK
Jane by April Lindner 
Catherine by April Lindner 
Wondrous Strange trilogy  by LESLEY LIVINGSTON
Théâtre Illuminata series by Lisa Manchev
The Goddess Test series by Aimee Carte
Abandon trilogy by Mag Cabot

the phoenix and the fallen evolving

so, i have an entire world in my head. Inside this world are several races... and one religion. The entire land believes in the same gods/goddesses - each area just has its own deitie which is recognized by all the land.

in one particular area... its:

"The phoenix and the fallen"

i have the whole mythology of it in my head. way to much to type out right now...
****apparently i ended up typing it anyway

but.

I'm thinking that there will be 2 servants of the two different deities (twins: one girl and one boy) The girl is a servant of the fallen - a minor god cast from his father's side (the major god of the land) for killing the father's favorite son and cursed to wander in a land of never ending darkness (what was then, the world).
the boy servant serves: Feeling for her son, the Mother Goddess (earth goddess) sends a phoenix to him (being made of living light) to keep him company and give him hope.

The two inhumans are treated as gods and worshiped by these mortal people (created by the father god). Jealous that his son was doing so well, the father attempts to take his bride. When seduction fails, he rapes the phoenix.
The Phoenix doesn't tell her husband about the rape, and end up pregnant. At first the Fallen believes it is his, but she is forced to tell of the rape. Enraged the Fallen wishes to kill his father, but the phoenix has other plans. She wishes to abort the baby.

The Fallen refuses, and says he will raise the child as his own, in his compassionate nature he had already come to love the unborn child. If the Phoenix wants her revenge, then she must let him fight his father. This sparks an argument (about control in the relationship, and the freedom of the phoenix).The Fallen basically imprissons his wife to protect the child. When the Father comes down to fight his son, the fallen is defeated. The Phoenix sees and escapes her bonds and flies to him.

In a rage she takes her taloned hand, and cuts open her abdomen where the fetus is, She rips it out, and kills it. Both men grieve. The ground is soaked with blood. With her own blood, she heals the fallen. In his grief the Father god curses the phoenix with madness and Leaves. From the spilled blood of the child, the Raptorem people arise. From the blood of the fallen the Shade people arise. From the Phoenix's spilled blood the Aredns people arised.

Time goes on, the fallen and the phoenix continue life as before although, His love being her hope as her love was his before. But as her madness increased, her powers grew destructive. In order to protect the people of the world from herself, the phoenix, in a final act of love, takes her won life. Once again, in compassion to her son, The Mother Goddess promises her son that The Phoenix would rise again. Determined not to have a physical form until his love, the fallen also takes his own life.

It is said he searches for his love's reincarnation through the eyes of vessels marked with the the very same wings that he himself carries.





plot:
 the annual festival of lights is about to start and Vicis's best friend has been chosen to represent the Goddess Phoenix, lady of Fire. Scire looks the part; with blonde hair that looked as if it was made from rays of sun. But in a strange turn of events, Scire can't make it and Vi is made to take her place.
With the sacred feather, said to be from the phoenix's own wings and to possess magic powers,on a chain around her neck, Vi is as nervous as she has ever been in her life. Most girls would be excited to be treated as a goddess for a day, but Vi's instincts say something bad was going to happen.

When the cermeony begins to introduce her as the goddess of the day, a band of pirates attack. The feather is a magic item worth more than any other thing in the kingdom and they were here to steal it. While trying to save the feather, the unthinkable happens - it disappears into her chest. Confused, the pirates kidnap her and take her to their captain. Who it was, was the last person Vi ever expected to see.

groups of people

• Raptorem - shadow creatures, mindless monsters - evil - worship no god
• Shade - Assassins, Mercenaries (villians with good hearts)
• Ardens - people who worship light
• Ignis - the product of Raptorem/Arden offspring: dragons (can take human form)
• Stella - people who worship the goddess of fate and stars (goddess is actually the sister of phoenix - made from pure starlight) - usually have psychic gifts (this is who the twins are)
• Silva - people of the trees: worship mother goddess - primarily elves
• Robur - people who worship the father god

Main characteters:

Fallen

Vicis (means change) - protagonist, phoenix re-incarnate

Profugus - the pirate/vessel

incarnations

So we talked about incarnations in Anthropology of Religion yesterday and i came up woth my own theory about it.


and incarnation is a human version of a deity or spirit on earth.

such as Jesus (Christian) or Rama (Hindu).

Jesus was not aware that he was God, he simply saw himself as the son of God and as a prophet/servant. which poses the question: does a incarnation have 2 natures - a human one and a divine one? two souls? What happens to the other nature/soul while the divine is in control?

Rama was aware that he was a Deity, he simply looked and acted like a human. So can a god/spirit simply create a body as needed for as long as needed while he/she is on earth? (i think the answer to that is yes... just saying)


me theory: 2 different souls. one body. I feel that the incarnation is actually a vessel until the divine being enters it. Once the divine entity is in control the vessel becomes a incarnation, the vessel's soul simply sits in the background so to speak.

as far as reincarnated holy spirits, such as the Buddhist tolkus, then there is simply one spirit and one body, an incarnation - no vessel needed.

thats my theory at least.

and the vessel doesn't have to be human. I know that Bastet sometimes enters into my cat Bia. I think that sometimes SG enters into my familiar.

so the vessel needn't be human, but most often in order to speak i believe the vessel is human. The vessel may not realize they are a vessel, but the incarnation is aware of what they are.

sweet sleep

so yesterday i was overflowing with positive energy, i was happy and energetic, and all i wanted to do was hug and touch people and spread the good vibes i was feeling. I think its because the night before i had slept sweetly.

now to explain:

i usually sleep heavily (not as in i'm a heavy sleeper, but that the sleep feels heavy) or poorly (when i wake up more tired then i went to sleep, or if i had nightmares)

but not too long ago i slept and the sleep felt light and pleasant and warm. I was very aware of a male presence in my dreams and mind while i slept that made sure that nothing bad happened in my dreams. He made sure i felt safe and loved and protected. (i'm pretty sure that was SG) from the beginning of me starting to fall asleep to a few minutes after i woke up i felt him with me; i even recall thinking that i was cold when i woke up and then thought "he'll fix that". anytime something negative would start to happen in the dream he would make sure that i didn't feel any negative feelings or stress from the situation, or he would just change the dream.  i slept sweetly that night.

well the other night i didn't feel him with me but i think i slept sweetly because one of the major stressors in my life had been removied: my traffic ticket. I went to the DA's office tuesday and got the ticket dismissed. i didn't even have to pay court costs. so that night my psych was so relived i slept sweetly (even if i was feeling stressed as i fell asleep).

it was wonderful.

and a rare occurrence.

creepy customer #2

ok so i have a customer that decided to research faeries since i talked about my paper with him and how much i loved faeries.

well... he came back with some notes from his research. The research he did led him to see how female faeries often bewitch male humans into pretty much being willing sex slaves... and about how beautiful they were... and he pretty much said that it didn't seem like a bad fate.

he insinuated that i was a faerie, or was the descendant of one and was trying to be flirty.

now he clearly said it was meant as a joke, so thats how i took it.

but then he came back another time, we continued talking about faeries, but he made a comment that i couldn't tell if it was serious or jesting... "i look for you everytime i come in, i even by stuff i don't need just to see you"..... that comment coupled with the way he looks at me sometimes sent up red flags.

its almost like he is insinuating that i'm a faerie that has bewitched him.


i choose to think he was jesting that time too, but i can't shake the slight discomfort i feel when our conversations lead away from faerie lore.today he said that he thought i was an amazing person, i was beautiful, kind, and that he liked the way i presented myself. which was sweet, and i reallly don't think he means any harm at all...

he just comes off as creepy sometimes.

I FOUND IT

BY THE GODS I FOUNDIT

THE LOST BOOK FROM MIDDLESCHOOL


the one about the girl with the arrow mark on her hand that developes the power of pathfinding... with the demon...and the boy....and and and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS


http://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Arrow-Maether-Aiden-Beaverson/dp/0440416930

Another nightmare

I sometimes have nightmares that are about survival... I had another one last night. 

I was left by my friends at a movie theater, they had gone inside thinking I was with them but I was outside paying. 

I didn't have enough money so I was trying to find them (thinking they are outside in the crowd) when I was taken.

Next thing I know I'm all dolled up looking into a bathroom mirror. Some older woman maybe about 50 or so, smiled at someone next to me. 

A grown man, maybe 30,  is holding a plastic knife (not the kind you find at picnics... This is a professional solid plastic knife that can do some damage. )

He comes behind me, wraps his arm around my neck in a kind of headlock and picks me up like that.

He turns, with me screaming, towards a bath and I realize his hands are wet from running the bath. I grab the knife from his hand and it slips his grasp into mine, though he tightens his hold on my throat.

I stab him. As hard and fast as I could. I even tried to aim for his genitals and carotid artery. I don't know if I hit them but I know I had one good shot that got in deep, he dropped me screaming and I fled.

Outside I was in a trailer park. I ran to the closest one across the street, screaming snd crying I banged on the door. Children opened it, they looked Hispanic, so I pushed the door open and collapsed on their floor in tears as the parents ran in.

I could only cry and scream "ayuda me, porvavor" over and over.

I woke up then because cara had called my name for something. My hand still clenched from holding the bloody knife.

a dream is a wish your heart makes....

so what wish did my heart make last night? i have no idea..

So.

Last night i dreamed that i was at a train station, it was a trains tation but it looked like an airport. and while there i suddenly began to bleed from my mouth. I went to the restroom to investigate and ended up pulling out a tooth.. More accurately is was falling out and i just grabbed it. It had a severe cavity in it. But once i did, it stopped bleeding and i just had a whole.  No more pain.

I stepped out to find a worker there with my ticket, that again looked like an airplane icket, but it was for a train. I walked outside to where the trains would arrive and saw friend from highschool that i hadn't seen in years. We sat and talked until the teain got there and when we boarded... i was with people i didn't know. surprisingly i wasn't anxious, but calm and focused.

I don't remember what happened next or where i was going but yeah.




factors:

train/trainstation - To dream that you are on a train symbolizes your life's journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction. Alternatively, the dream means that you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will work out in the end.

airport- To see an airport in your dream symbolizes birth (arrivals) and death (departures). If the airport is busy, then it signifies the desire for freedom, high ideals, ambition, and hopes. It is an indication that you are approaching a new departure in your life. Some new idea is taking off or is ready to take off.

teeth/cavity: To dream that you have a cavity indicates feelings of fear and insecurity over a situation. You are lacking self confidence.

traveling-To dream that you are traveling represents the path toward your life goals. It also parallels your daily routine and how you are progressing along. Alternatively, traveling signifies a desire to escape from your daily burdens. You are looking for a change in scenery, where no one has any expectations of you. Perhaps it is time to make a fresh start. 


so....

I desire freedom and something new is coming my way but i almost back out of it because i lack self confidence. However i am again presented with the new start and i do actually go trough with it. And by doing so i am headed on the right path with a fresh start, even if i do worry a lot over it.

renouncing fear

so... i am a very fearful person.

I fear conflict.
i fear change because i don't know what will happen.
i fear the unknown.
I fear failure.
i fear success.
i fear i will disapoint people.
i fear that i am too clingy.
i fear that i'm annoying.
i fear i will hurt others.
I stress so much....

and it has to stop.


All this fear and worry and stress...is keeping me from living my life to the fullest.

My gums are receding, that worries me.
My being out of shape worries me.
My lack of labido worries me.
My being dehydrated all the time worries me.
Money issues worry me ALL THE TIME. i am always conscious about money...
My relationship makes me worry.
I worry i am doing poorly in school or work.
I worry i won't ever get to travel.
I worry i won't ever reach my spiritual potential.
I worry i won't ever see/hear SG.
I worry every time i get in a car.
I worry so much...

it causes the fear and anger and anxiety i always have bubbling under my happy-go-lucky shell.

it cannot continue like that.

as my guide said "It's all going to be fine."

it will.

This body is a shell. A temporary shell. All the things that happen to it... it really won't last long. One of the most infuriating things about the human body is how fast it matures and ages... life is short. If this body falls apart, i won't suffer it for long.

My relationship will not last forever. No relationship does (aside from the spiritual ones). Everything ends, why miss out on the present worrying about the end? It will end. When doesn't matter. I need to enjoy the time i have with Corie while it lasts and know that when it ends it ended at that time for a reason. And when it does, let it go.

Money will always be an issue... its a necessity unfortunately but worrying about it all the time won't make more just magically appear. i dont' know how to let go of this worry but i need to work on reducing it at least.

Traveling... if it doesn't happen then i can always read. That not only takes me to other countries but to other worlds as well.

As for worrying about my spirituality and things dealing with SG... he is patient. he loves me. he will never leave me. He doesn't get angry at me. he is love and goodness. and laughter.... the best way for me to connect with him is through those thing. if i don't see/hear him... i need to take solace in the knowledge that he really is always there when i need him or call him.

fear of both failure and success.... i may need help with this.
i fear failure because i fear disapointing others... or myself. But failure doesn't mean to give up or to dissapoint. No one is perfect... if i fail it means i have more to learn. or that i need to be more patient. It is this fear that holds me back spiritually.

fear of success... i don't know why i fear success.... but i do. I think because if i succeed it leads to the unknown.... which i need to just learn to trust in the fate i set for myself and trust my guides, "It's all going to be fine"

the car.... although i am not 100% certain when, i do still think i will die in a car accident. I don't cling to the fact as a beacon of hope anymore, i simply acknowledge it.  I don't necessarily look forward to it like i use to (because i'm finally acclimating to this life) but i do look forward to what lies after it. I look forward to my next life.

that doesn't help the anxiety i feel when i'm behind the wheel and things get too hectic. Again... i just need to accept things as they are and trust.


i think thats my thing...

i trust people easily... but i don't trust myself.
i don't trust myself to succeed, or to know what to do when i succeed.
i trust my guides but i don't trust myself to interpret their messages right.

As much as i love myself and others... i doubt myself the most.

i think that is where my fear originates. Doubt, which leads to anxiety and worry, then to actual fear.

here is the thing... how do i fix my doubt? trust? Trust must be earned...how do i earn my own trust?

but once i do... i know i can reach my full potential.

haha i sound crazy.