What is this?

 I need to identify this emotion. 

It’s not frustration 

It’s not disappointment 

It’s not sad 

It’s not angry 

It similar to all of them. 

It’s sits in my rubs and burns up into my chest or down into my stomach.

Makes me feel lethargic. 

It’s not depression or grief - those are colder emotions. 

This is a hot emotion. 

It’s not anxiety although that may be the closest? 

I can tell that I’m feeling reclusive. I’m agitated and lonely and agitated that I’m lonely and agitated at the idea of being around people. 

I want to be alone. I’m mad but I’m not mad. 

I’m just filled with this emotion and it makes me want to lay down and do nothing or scream or go numb. 

I’m definitely headed into a depressive episode. 

Fucking asshole. 

Withdrawl

 I can recognize that I'm feeling withrawl symptoms from the consistent nuerotransmitters I was getting over the past month from gamer boy. 

Its the feelings of withdrawl that make me freaking stupid and want to reconnect. (He has no way of contacting me, but I could easily meet up with him if I wanted to, since it was me that always went to his place or met him at the gym)

I need to find otherways of getting the brain chemical hits that I am craving because my initial addiction is rearing its ugly head (downer pills). I need to be very freaking careful because last night I took 2 of my anxiety pills (to counter the adhd med induced insomnia) and the pleasure I felt when they hit.. reminded me why i'm a fucking addict in the first place. 

so lets look at the culptrits in question:

"Love" (oxytocin) + "pleasure" (dopamine) + "happiness" (serotonin)

Non drug or dating related ways of getting them:

• Oxytocin
• Listening to music and singing
• Cuddling with friends
• Petting and cuddling animals
• Exercise can release it
• Charity work/helping others
• Social activity
• Dopamine
• Sleep
• Singing
• exercise - dopamine seesaw eefect - also protects dopamine receptors
• eating protien
• Gut health = probiotics
• Serotonin
• Eating specific foods like: eggs, pineapples, poultry, oatmeal, chocolate
• exercise 
• GI tract health  = probiotics
• at least 15 minutes of sunlight
• sleep
• Social Activity 

Okay so going that actually explains why people go to the gym when depressed/break up  - scientifically it provides all the same brian chemicals as being in love & addiction. 

• Gym/mandatory walks/mandatory dancing
• Actually fucking sleeping
• Singing. I need to sing. Make myself sing in the car, in the shower, etc. 
• Make myself be social. 

bye bye gamer boy

 Well that was nice while it lasted. 

His toxic trait, which he swore he never engaged, came out to play about my biggest insecurity: my weight. AFTER I told him it was an insecurity of mine. 

He wanted to see pictures of the goth makeup I use to do so I sent him photos; but this was from YEARS ago, from before my thyroid said fuck you. So I was noticably skinner. He kept comparing me to back then, saying I looked like a totally different person. Then proceeded to start unsolicited gym advice on losing weight to try to get back to thar size. 

So I sent this:

"Weight has always been an issue for me. Back when I was that skinny I *wanted* to gain weight but couldn’t because I had an insane metabolism. I hated how skinny I was. Then because of BC my thyroid basically gave me the middle finger and I gain a lot of weight very quickly. Suddenly I hated how “fat” I was - in retrospect I really wasn’t that bad. But I got asked almost daily if I was pregnant because of how quickly I gained the weight. that obliterated my self image. 

Once I got that regulated I was able to drop the weight a bit but stayed in the 130-140 range, with it fluctuation by about 10 pounds off and on. Then I got hurt and stopped being active, gained more weight again. (160’s) 

Then after a while I started burlesque dancing as a way to help myself love my body instead of hating and punishing it. Through that I was able to realize that I was beautiful, even if I did jiggle a little. Most people in fact loved it. When I wasn’t performing I was working as stage crew for shows and was constantly moving; and that’s how I spent most weekends for about 2 years. 

The number didn’t change; I still stayed in the 160’s but I gained more muscle and slimmed down. During slower months I got a little softer; busier months it slimmed again. 

Then I moved here and I’m still consistently in the lower 160’s but I’m soft from basically hibernating all winter. once I start moving consistently again, the number will again probably stay the same but I’ll slim down. 

I  wouldn’t mind slimming down, but I know my body does that  naturally. it fluctuates like crazy but it’s all contingent on how active I am. I have forced myself not to look at the number and focus instead on how my body carries it. 

I don’t ever want to be as small as I was. I look back at those photos and 8/10 times I cringe at how thin I was. every now and then, when I’m feeling bad about my current body I’ll feel wistful but overall I do not ever want to be that tiny. 

I totally understand if that’s a turn off for you though."

His response:

"Full disclosure I think you were more attractive in your older photos since were on the subject, which I’m sure isn’t easy to hear. I don’t expect you to change your entire lifestyle for me or anything, nor do I expect you to change anything really. These are just the standards I set myself by. I definitely find fitness and healthy, consistent habits very attractive. Having that drive to make yourself be better for yourself is beyond attractive. It’s not all about looks, but we’re on the subject now so here’s my honest thoughts on it."

My response:

"There's a few ways I could respond to this, I'm trying to decide which way to go - regardless, tthat could have been worded with more tact and was uneccesarily mean. 

1) I said this was an insecurity of mine. 

2) you already said you prefer petite women. I'm not stupid. I can infer that you prefer me when I looked like a skeleton. 

So please tell me why you felt the need to open and close with that? What was the purpose other than to intentionally hurt my feelings (which you aknowledge "I'm sure isn't easy to hear")? Because that whole response you gave? Your toxic trait is showing. 

And if you want to talk about healthy consistent habits that promote growth and bettering yourself? Those skinny pictures of me were from when I was at my most unhealthy. I was drinking, suicidal, addicted to drugs, and in an abusive relationship with no backbone and no self esteem. The other two photos I had the exact same body I have now. And compared to all of those photos in terms of habits? I am considerably more healthy now than any of those times. 

There are ways of making onself better for the sake of growth that do not revolve around fitness. I'm not trying to sell myself to youbut I also won't down play how mcu I activley work on myself constantly. I work towards my career goals, my spiritual goals, my mental health, and although my physical health comes last, I am still working on that as well."

----------

I will say I was a coward and as soon as I saw he had read it and was typing a response I deleted him. I honestly didn't want to see what justifation he had - I more so wanted to point out how he was disrespectful and point out how narrow his views were. 

For the record: my weight is not unhealthy. I am just below the national average. I am beautiful. I am so beautiful in fact that people pay me money to see me and my body. So he can go kick rocks. 

I put up with rude comments like that (and worse) for about 5 years between Jimmie and Dalton/Viking man. I was not about to tolerate it from some new guy. He had balls of brass. 

I will miss the sex though. He was also a top notch cuddler. 

Budget comparison....

 Okay hear me out. 

I could take out  - $  14500in student loans to pay off all my debt.  OR

I could take out  - $13200 to pay my rent for the whole year which would give me more income to pay off my debt FASTER. comparison below. 

	Current	pay debt	pay rent
		14,500	13,200
Rent	1250	1095	0
internet	35	55	55
utilities	0	120	120
personal loan	271	0	400
Credit	160 (40,80,40)	0	350 (100, 200,50)
the joint	70	70	70
car payment	235	235	235
car insurance	90	90	90
health insurance	370	370	370
student loans	117	117	200
pets	70	70	70
subscriptions	17	17	17
gas	160	80	80
savings	75	75	100
Roth IRA	75	75	150
groceries	260	260	260
renters ins	0	12	12
audible	17	17	17
	2862	2758	2446

If I wanted I could afford to pay more on my debt/investment even more so. I might actually invest $100 a month in liquidatable stocks (Jack is willing to teach me). In either case - this would mean less money added to my student loans but also more money at my disposal in daily life. Might be able to save up for traveling! (back to NC, to see Rach & ellie, maybe take a vacation!!?) 

So when I get my financial aid package I will take out however much I need for tuition after the scholarships; + 13,200.

Update

 Ready player one.... 

introducing new character into my life: Code name Gamer Boy. 

Pros:

• Very communicative via text
• VERY appreciateive of direct and open communicaiton. I am learning I don't have to be subtle about it (like with Jimmie & Viking man); he is SO CHILL that I don't have to worry about him flying off the handle, even if its somthing he may not be happy about
• Has repeatedly said that even if he is disapointed by something that my comfort is the important thing. 
• He listens when I do have the courage to voice a concern then he MODIFIES to adapt to my boundaries, needs. 
• Honestly this one got me. His behavior matched his words. This is super big for me. 
• Even if our kinks don't toally line up he is very open to adapting to suit what works for me, compromise so othat we both get what we enjoy. 
• Very chill - balances out my INSANE level of energy and anxiety. 
• Is very open to hanging out with my friends so that he can spend time with me
• Wants to get out of the apartment and do fun things; winter is for being a home body, summer is for adventure. 
• Hes very pretty and always smells good
• Seems to be very patient and lets me be as playful as I want, doesn't seem to be bothered by how hyper I am or how much I talk. 
• Despite being a fitness nut himself, he likes that I am soft. 
• We havn;t discussed politics but from some side comments hes made I can tell we are more or less along the same lines.
• Plays video games - and actually continues to talk to me while playing (and inbetween sets at the gym) --> I could totally read while he plays if I get bored. 
• Honestly he is probably the best cuddler I have ever gotten to cuddle with. Like waking up covered in a sweat becuse we are wrapped up and both space heaters - and the cuddles are so good I can actually fall back asleep like that. The way that he plays with my hair T_T <3
• He likes my elf ears. Like totally cool with it when if I wear them out with him. 
• Likes horror movies (most movies tbh) - but not roller coasters (boo)
• Very physically affectionate. 

Cons:

• He has an issue with me burlesque dancing. This will have to be something we discuss more indepth in the future because thats going to be something he will have to get over when I do start dancing again. 
• He is SO QUIET; not really a con but it really makes me pay attention and makes it easy for me to get into my head. Will take learning. 
• Lives a very regimented life - he goes to the gym 4 days a week for like 2 hours, M-Th or T-F, however does make his weekends free; usually open F and Sun. 
• Very limited and specialized diet to coordinate with his fitness regiment. 
• Not a caretaker dom - but is willing to shift his sadism to match my boundaries and seems open to a lot of things i like. (Pro)
• Has been open about his toxic trait.... which is the same as Viking Man and Jimmie.. in the sense where he gets off on causing emotional distress in his partner; however he recognizes that it is toxic and doesn't indulge it. 
• Doesn't seem interested in discussing anything too indepth just yet, but that also might come with time. He has said that essentially he is more or less agnostic and doesn't really think about it/care. He did give me a funny look when I talked about getting messages from Maeve, however he tried to take it in stride and even cracked a joke. 
• Doesn't like to play horro games if someone is with him because it takes him out of the experience. T_T (I think we can work on this lol) 

Too fast (writing excerpt)

 She didn’t mean to stare, but the movement caught her eye and the moment she saw him removing his armor she was trapped, like a moth caught in the glow of a lamp. She had known he was beautiful, had seen the tips of his tattoos peaking at his wrists, but she was unprepared for the way the beautiful black ink worked its way in captivating patterns encircling every inch of his muscled arms. Nor had she anticipated the way she would suddenly have the desire to trace those patterns with her tongue. His black undershirt caught as he removed the breastplate, giving her a glimpse of his abdomen as he raised his arms. She felt her lips part as she took in the defined V of his hips.

Blushing she turned her back to him as she fought to keep her thoughts from wandering. What would his skin feel like if she ran her hands from those beautiful lines and up his torso? Curiosity burned within her, wondering if he kept his chest smooth or if she would find hair to entwine her fingers in. Did his tattoos go past his shoulders? Did they connect under his clavicle or did they run to his chest? What did his back look like? She had seen how the definition of the sleek muscles showed beneath the tight cloth of his shirts… she closed her eyes, he fingers splayed at her side as she imaged in his flesh beneath her roaming palms. 

Her resolve broke and she peeked over her shoulder. She lightly bit her lower lip as her eyes soaked in his lean, defined form. For a moment she forgot how to breathe, her heart sped up and she soaked him in. Her eyes trailed their way up his form, widening when they met his; she turned forward, a blush blooming on her cheeks. She heard a quiet chuckle and gulped when she heard his pants hit the group. She closed her eyes and fought to get her racing heart to quiet in her chest, lest he hear it from across the room. The incense smoke did little to clear her hazy thoughts and she breathed in deeply, determined to maintain her composure. 

“I’m not opposed to you looking”, he said gently behind her. She jumped out of her skin as his hand touched her shoulder. “If something pleases you, you should enjoy it.”

With a nervous laugh she shifted away, cursing herself silently as her eyes dipped for the mere breath of a second and felt a bit of relief at the sight of his soft black pants. The motion, as quick as it was, did not escape him, a slow subtle smirk drifted across his lips. She gulped and pointed her nose, turning her face away in a faux arrogance that she hoped would push him away. Her heartbeat was too loud in her ears, her breaths turned shallow. 

“Nothing here to tempt me. A human body is just that, a human body.” Her voice quivered, giving her away. He moved like a cat, the confidence of experience rolling off of him leisurely. She stiffened anxiously, willing her shoulders not to pinch up protectively. She wasn’t fooling anyone. Although not totally pure, she knew she was a far cry away from the priest of a sex god. Suddenly she felt as if she were a virgin again, unease pooling in her abdomen and putting out the embers of heat that had slowly been glowing to life. Caught in his gaze she felt like a prey animal caught in a trap. 

His smirk dropped into a soft line and he took a step back, his hands palms up in a gesture of peace.  Suddenly his eyes lost their own heat and she watched as he shifted from a predator about to pounce, to someone  on the defensive. He kept his eyes on mine as he moved back, every movement calculated. 

“Its okay.” He whispered, his finger gently pointing towards the door. Her cheeks burned hotter than before, embarrassment creeping up her neck. She fought the urge to run out the door, instead attempting to move with as little dignity she possessed.

 Once in the hall she fought back tears, what just happened? The two of them had been eye fucking each other for weeks. Being in the same room, surrounded by acolytes, the pull between them set her body ablaze. But being alone with him in that room was something totally different. There was no illusion, there was no daydream, it was too real. Suddenly everything his heated gaze seemed to promise felt like a threat. Once she was sure he wouldn’t hear, she ran at full speed, not stopping until she made it to her room and she slammed the door shut. 

What was wrong with her? She’d had sex in the past. She was not a novice. She had been called a goddess herself once or twice, it wasn’t as if she didn’t know what she was doing. But he was still a stranger to her. They had done little more than make small talk in the past several weeks.  She made her way to the bed and curled up beneath the blankets. The sound of the slowing pace of her racing heart thrummed in her ears; still seeing the glimpses of him behind her eyes, her winding confused thoughts lulled her into an uneasy sleep. 

The wild self

"The wildness in ourselves is that part of us that longs to live close to the nature - at one with the land, the seasons, the stars. It is that part of us that longs to walk barefoot in the grass, to swim nakes in a river; to lie beneath the sun, sensing the deep earth beneath us, and feeling the cool breeze across our skin. It is also that part of our perception and comprihension that is inherent, not learned or aquired - the heritage of the insuitive and instinctive wisdom that is our birthright."

It recommends sitting in a sweat house or doing a ritual under the full moon to help coax out the wild self, afterall it will take time - its been repressed and denied by our society for a very long time. 

Perhaps I should do a makeshift one; sitting in the shower with the candles lit. Sort of like the ritual baths I would do. 

Bardic Practicum 1

  “What do the Druids and Druidry mean to me?”

The druids are our spiritual celtic ancestors. They were the poets, the story tellers, the oracles, the healers, the spiritual leaders and the link between the mundane and the divine. They worked with magic, divination, spirit, and plants. 

To me this manifests through the bardic magic. 

Spells and spirit work through poetry, messages through dance and daydream. 

The term druid has always been heavily associated with nature and plants, and thus I havn't really ever felt a call or connection to it. However, I have felt connected to "Bard" which Ihave learned was a specific type of druid. 

Magic and energy manupilation through music. Messages from the gods or my guides through music. Meanings hidden under the lyrics... hearing the lyrics opening me up to feel the emotion and intention that the gods/guides send through. Manifesting my hopes and desires for myself through the daydreams and stories I write. 

Thats Bardic. 

Charged prayers, spells, in the form of poetry have always been a better way for me to release the energy and intention as opposed to more imitative or contagious forms of waitcraft. 

I started out bardic. I moved away from it in an attempt to assimmilate to the practices around me. 

But I am a Bardic witch; chatoic witch; eclectic pagan. I am working my way up to being an oracle, but I have a very long way to go. I have the potential... but just like in OBOD, I must master the bardic practices first. 

So while I would not call myself a druid, I know that I will find their teachings and practices helpful on my journey. 

Awen 1

 All that I long for, to hear and see 

Teases me gently just out of reach 

The gods, the fae, spirits, and such 

I long to feel their embrace and touch. 

My own divinity hidden within 

Feels chained and trapped beneath meat and skin. 

My own power is there, if I only just believe;

The one I should give my faith, truly, is me.

Bonding

 Okay so my therapist made me feel a bit better about not being able to bond and form attachments very easily. 

Essentially, there is nothing "wrong" that needs "fixing" when it comes to fearful-attachment; its just something to keep in mind when patterns emerge. 

as for my inability to attach to people, that is because I feel like there is no bond. I have only ever known trauma bonding.  

"Trauma bonding is when a deep attachment develops from a cycle of physical and/or emotional abuse or trauma followed by positive reinforcement. Trauma bonds most commonly develop in romantic relationships, and leaving these relationships can be very hard."

""A trauma bond develops in relationships where there is a power imbalance and a cycle of reward and punishment."

When all you know is a cycle of rollercoaster emotions, with extreme highs and lows, when that is lacking and instead replaced with a very slow and steady pattern of behavior it is perceived as boring and none existent. 

All (highs and lows) or Nothing is what i feel when it comes to bonding with other people. 

I do have relationships in my life that are not trauma bonds, but they took a VERY long time to develop, and usually developed while I was trauma bonded to someone else; helping me cope.

I don't have a trauma bond up here - so there is no give and take to keep me attached to someone. I don't have a trauma bond to need help with dealing with to help me attach to friends. 

I am have to learn how to bond with people in a healthy way... which apparently means slowly. very slowly. 

Essentially I need a frog in hot water kind of bond. it heats up slowly and without me noticing it until boom - I realize I actually care about a person. 

Daily Prompt

 the last one was one I ws behind on. 

Todays: One thing I wish people knew about me is how lost I feel, and how much I truly long to connect to the important things around and within me. 

I need the time to do so. I need the space to do so. 

I genuinley feel like I need a spiritual retreat; theres a buddhist monestary here that I am curious if they accept over night visitors. 

Daily Reflection

I am devoted to my purpose in life.

What is my purpose?

To lead people to personal power and healing through spirituality and religion. 

To be a spiritual leader and healer. 

I am persuing this by getting a M.Div in interfaith chaplaincy so that I have a practical degree for career options. 

But deep down I want to open my own business  so that I can go to events and festivals as a vendor so do my readings; while at the same time (if possible) occupying a space as a community spiritual leader - either as a chaplain, at a intentional community, or at a health retreat.