hmm...

i wish i could talk to ashley as much as i talk to allison. I like allison because she is spunky and fun...but she isn't really that pretty..... although i hsvn't met her in person, so who knows, there might still be a spark.

Ashley.... we have several things in common and i just know tht if we were to actually talk more, somthing could be there.... but i think she is seriously talking to someone right now :/ and she doesn't talk to  me that often on meetme :/

Lazy...

let me just say that i am not lazy. i'm not highly motivated, but i am not lazy.  i don't mind doing work. my little sister? she is a lazy bitch,

we have a big basket full of sock, underwear, and bras... i match and sort the majority of it. the very little bit of it she does do, she wants ME to put up.  just looking down at them today out of what she says had no match, my mom found one and i found one (a pair).... just LOOKING DOWN 2 pairs were matched. i bet she didn't even go through the damn basket!!!

then she has the nerve to justify herself saying "well you wouldn't help me"...as if i did nothing. WHAT THE FUCK YOU LAZY ASS BITCH.

STOP HATN'

Alright...i want to rant about something so beware!!

Gay marriage.... Many christians support it! yes, there are several Christians against it. But there are several people of all kinds against it as well. and not all christians who are against it are all "you are going to hell!!! repent!repent!repent!"many of them have the "love the sinner not the sin" mentality(which is still offensive, but not as aggressivly as the other).

 Not all christians who are against same sex marriages are going to yell and cram their religion down your throat.... the only reason it appears that way is because of the "christians" that spew hate. i am not a christian but i have many friends who are. they support me, though not all like the fact i'm a lesbian, and i am tired of seeing all christians being bashed because of a hateful few that bring attention to themselves and talk a bunch of crap.

 You don't have to be a Christian to disaprove of gay marriage, but there are many who are and there are many who aren't. But there are even MORE, christians and non-christians, who do support it. Please do not bash chistianity as a whole because of the way a minority of the group act.

remember that challenge?

remember that bible challenge my aunt dared me? well after a while, i finally got around to it. so i'm reading summaries? of it (the new testiment.)

got all the way to mathew 5 in maybe 10 minutes?

lol here is the online bible i'm reading:
http://bible.oremus.org/?passage=Matthew+1

note to mother

so, i decided, tat i will try to talk as little as possible to both my aunt and my mom until this is all figured out. however i have written my mom a note she will see when she gets home. i leave for Rach's church's VBS before she gets home.

it reads:

Momma,
    when i get home i want to have a talk. I don'e mean a "talk" where you accuse me of things and twist my words around; i mean a talk where we both actually listen to eachother and discuss things calmly. I would like to know what you believe is my reason for me trying to wean myself from my medicine. I can't think of a reason why i would want to stop taking something that helps me, maybe you can.
    to be honest at one point i was thinking about asking for a higher dose; i don't think i need a high dose anymore, i was just stressed at the time. If i once wanted more medication, why would i want off?
    I wish you would believe me when i say that if i did want off, which i don't, i would tell you and i would tell you why.

i'll see you when i get home.
love you
lisa





Lets see how much trouble and emotion chaos i pretty much just got myself.

DOMA is down!

DOMA has been struck down...... thank the gods!! :D at least there is some good today!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/26/supreme-court-gay-marriage_n_3455001.html

now in states where same-sex couples get married they get the same rights as opposite couples do! Not all states are forced to wed same sex couples, however, so that part is still up to the democratic system, but if they decide to allow same sex marriages, those marriages are equal!

damn it all

fine. you know what? damn it all. If i tryu to defend myself anymore i just make myself look bad.
I know why she did it. my aunt... but she made it so much worse.. i told my mom the truth and she thinks i'm trying to turn her against my aint!! WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO? she is so sure that i am trying to wean myself off my medication that she refuses to trust anything i say!! just DAMN IT ALL!

wtf?

ok, so i get woken up at 6:37 in the morning by my mom angrily telling me to take my medicine. when i do, she says "look, you took your medicine before i had my coffee...yes, i was informed of why you didn't take it the other day" in a mocking way.

wtf? so the other day i told  my aunt why i hadn't taken it before my mom told me to. i was waiting for her to leave so that i wouldn't risk getting yelled at if i came out of my room. ... i didn't say anything about coffee...

so i'd appreciate it when my aunt tells my mom something i said in confidence to her, that at lesst she could repeat what I ACTUALLY SAID. now my mom thinks i'm a liar.

so i wake up today in a bad mood and going "wtf?"

truth and lies

i hate it when you are telling the truth and people think you are lieing....

so. the other day i forgot to take my medication in the morning, but i took it at night. which means there was one pill left over. my mom saw and said, the next day, "you forgot to take your pill last night"... which i corrected her "i took it last night, i forgot to take it yesterday morning"... which she then accuses me of calling her a liar. i hate it when she does that... she says she checked my medication during the afternoon and said that there was only one pill in the spot for that day. idk, how this was, i think the pills were stacked on top of eachother (which has happened before) but i know i took it that night and i know there was a pill left over.


and the theory that my mom and aunt think about me trying to ween myself off of my medication...is total bullshit!! why on earth would i want to get off my medication? it is what keeps me from getting so depressed and angry i just want to end it all. It is what helps me to handle the emotion roller coaster i am on. why the hell would i want to stop taking it? where is the logic in that? what the fuck?

so this all added to the cat litter incident pretty much equals a very tense situation between me and my mom.

great.

see what my mom doesn't realize about the litter situation, is that 2/4 boxes were practically empty. meaning on 2/4 boxes would be filled up with catlitter that wouldn't have beenused so soon... but i'm having to pay for all 4 because i used the w9cat litter used to fill up boxes...great. itll use up the whole friggin box....
13 (bunnny litter) + 13 (new bunny litter) + 13 (box used to refill catlitters)+13 (  another cat litter box to replace box used to refill.) = 52$..plus tax...greaat.... i will have to owe HER money for this....

FML.

3x4 = 12
carry the 1
1x4 = the carried 1 = 5
52. shit...

faeries!!!!

well the fearie faire was great. lots and lots of rain. but great :3

and i even saw the music directer (pagan, friendly, gorgeous, gives great hugs) and got to hear him play the drums. Althoughi have never met most of those poeple, i swear i recognized several of them..... but from where?

great fun!!

oh andthat mess with mom... yeah. so a while ago i lent her 20 bucks. and i got all A's this past semester, so thats another 20. well out of the 40 bucks, mom is takig out the cost of this previous cat litter that i wasted, the cost of buying a new one, and the cost to fill up the cat litter in the boxes that will have to be thrown out. greeeeat... i will get no money back. at all. fuck.

why am i such a screw up?

why am i such a screw up.... i accidentally used the bunny litter (which is actually a catlitter) for the cats. and i used over half the bag and momma is so angry
the bunny litter is supposed to last for like a month as was expensive. i don't have any money to give mommma, what should i do? what can i do?

how was i supposed to know it was for the bunny?
IT WAS A CATLITTER BAG! i thought she has bought a cheaper litter to use. and she has mixed cat litter types before! how was i supposed to know!?

she asked me "when are you going to wake up!? you walk around in lala land. wake up and grow the fuck up!"

pardon me, but i am awake. so what if i'm a bit disassociated from reality, its not like i can help that! what can i do? my brain just doesn't function the way its supposed to be! there isn't anyting i can do about it!!

interview

Well, going to a group interview at the Chic-fil-a in Washington. kind of ironic... a lesbian pagan trying to ge a job a chic-fil-a...

anyway, my mom made me change clothes so now i feel dull...no real colors... >:/
now, i don't mind wearing greys and purples and "dull" colors, but i always try to make a contrast, and only when i'm in the mood to wear those colors. wearing "dull" when i'm in a "color" mood... puts me in a bad mood....


oh and for some reason, the pierce the veil cover of don't fear the reaper is on repeat in my head...

AND ONE PIECE HAS GOTTEN ME ADDICTED!

anime

2 animes to watch:

Zero No Tsukaima
One Piece

Ashley's

Ashley <3 no, not Ashley from mm, ashley from school <3

she saw my status about Racheal leaving and offered to let me come over and stay the night <3 i love my friends <3

oh, and is it bad that i've been flirting with 2 girls? one i really like... the other one i like, but havn't talked to as much. Allison, she isn't the prettiest but she is beautiful and she is fun and sweet and i have come to really like her <3 but i have more in common with ashley and she is just adorable. i like her, but i havn't gotten to talk to her very much. I thin if i talked to them both as much as i have with allison, then i think ashley would win over, but i talked more to allison and like her a lot <3


what i think it is, i really like Allison for her, and i feel like ashley is out of my league and the fact that she flirts with me makes me feel good :3

idk.

i see no reason i can't talk to both of them for now :)

9 weeks

Racheal has left.... i won't see her for 9 weeks. this is the longest we've been apart..... i miss her already...

tomorrow

Tomorrow Racheal will be in Oklahoma.... and i won't see her for 9 weeks. I know she will be fine, she has the goddess Morrigan looking after her. Racheal is strong and amazing and brave, she'l be fine.

i'll be fine after she leaves, its just.... this is the longest time we've ever been seperated.. and the longest distance we've ever had between us..... i don't want her to go..... every time i think about it my eyes tear up... i just want to cry.

2 days

Racheal will be gone for 9 weeks in 2 days.... i'm freaking out. on the inside of coarse.

my stomach is in constant volcanic activity, i feel ike i will either puke or shit acid every 5 minutes.... especially when i eat. i have little to no apetite... damn nerves. and i still havn't made her fucking video
:(

why?

Racheal is leaving in a few days and every time i try to record my video as her present somthing inturrupts. My mom, my little sister, my cat, my voice cracks, the webcame freezes....several times....


why the fuck am i even botherin? i'm not going to get it done in time for her to see before she leaves. fuck it.

i have tried to record this video so many times i am so frustrated. GODS!! why can't i please just get this video DONE!?

letting go

so, i was rambling to Atarte; telling her how although my feelings for jake (dormant again- YAY) are genuine, i was obsessing over them and him because im loely. through her (and my friend Kasey's) advice i've gotten it under control :)

bit i need to let jake go... as scared as i am of loosing him, i need to accept things as they are. wishful thinking will always be wishful thinning. maybe in a few years we can try again, but idk. for now i just need to let things go...

little sister

*sigh* my little sister....

i understand that i have failed as a big sister, but honestly? i have done the best that i can. She feels left out a lot, but how can she expect us to want to be around her when she is acting like a brat and diva all the time?


I know how it feels to be left out, and yes, rach and i do leave her out a lot, but if she wasn't such a bitch all the time, then we wouldn't want to knock her into a wall all the time and would actually like being around her.

its not all her fault, but the blame isn't all on us either....

wish i could have a redo, but not, its like.... yeah i failed as a big sister, but you know what? i don't even care anymore, i'm done trying. every time i act nice to her, i'm greeted by nagging, attitude, her yelling at me, and i'm done.

gingers

well.... i'll admit i have a thing for gingers....

Jake = orange-red ginger
Katie = red ginger
Allison = blonde-ish ginger

Allison is a natural ginger.... YESSSSS <3

what a wonderful family

it is so sad that i have to sit outside on my porch in order to get out of my room. My little sister has decided thatthe entire living room is her domain and that if you are going to be in it, you have to be quite and do whatever she wants. bull shit.
so instead of dealing with her yelling at me and to prevent myself from knocking her into a wall, i am outside playing catch with my twin.

right. *nods*

so... i've decided. i don't need a signifigant other... although i would VERY MUCH LIKE one... i am going to force myself to focus on something else... like getting a job. i will distract myself whenever i am thinking about wanting a gf... and in reaction i will not think about being a lesbian and in reaction i will get less bad moods. hopefully.

thank you astarte (and brandon) for helping me develope the focus i need to see this.


lets see how long this lasts xD

astarte help me!

peter pan

thank the gods for disney....

peter pan... then maybe alladin....

i alsready saw lion king 2 and tarzan recently... so yeah... disney. cure for the evil monster...

warning: bad mood, whatever i type now might not be how i feel later

i hate being in a bad mood. hate it. but oh well, right?

this thing with jake,is just because i'm lonely, like i thought. Its just wishful thinking. wich of course, makes me very bitter. UGHHHHHHH WHAY DID I CHOOSE TO BE BORN A FUCKING LESBIAN???????? before you are born, you pick out things for your life, so althoughi believe a mixture of genetic and psychological factors played into me being a lesbian, my spirit chose it before hand. WHY????? all it does is cause heart ache and bad mods. FUCK!

i don't want to talk to anyone right now... i don't want to be near anyone right now.... i want to be alone. i don't want to be alone. fuck it all.

my emotions are detaching themselves from me. once again i am feeling hollow emotions. i feel them but they feel empty...so idk how i feel about allison or ashley... i know my feelings for jake are temporary and i know i am in a horrible mood. but thats about all i fucking know right now.shit.

uuughh... i just want to have a punching bag....
i just want to cry
i just want to disapear...
i just want...to not?
i just want to not be a lesbian. i just want to not have any emotions. i just want not to be hollow. i just want not to be.

fuck.

free your lips and end this show (original song)

your life is a cyanide pill,
tell me is it hard to swallow?
you're just a face in the crowd
and you say your life is hallow...
so stand up and make a scene!!
explode like dynamite..
show the world you exist,
show the world you'll fiiiiiiight!

you are here for a reason,
show them why you're born
teach the world how to reason,
to rise from societies scorn.

rise and fly my precious dreamers,
you were made to live,
break the chains put on your arms,
they are not on your lips.

do what they say and live a lie,
you're just another sheep,
tell me do you cry at night,
when you're supposed to sleep?
you do dream of shining,
dream of flying higher?
live your dreams now,
or build their funeral pyre.

live, work, do your part,
part of their never ending chain,
the links that bind you to their ways
bring a "life" that's dull and plain.
raise your voice, you know you can
don't go with thier puppet show,
be strong and take a stand,
only then will the whole world know...

you are here for a reason,
show them why you're born
teach the world how to reason,
to rise from societies scorn.

rise and fly my precious dreamers,
you were made to live,
break the chains put on your arms,
they are not on your lips.

the chains are on your wrists, the chains are on your wrists...
the chains are on your wrists... not on your lips.


italics = chorus
bold = screamed part

song in progrss

your life is a cyanide pill,
tell me is it hard to swallow?
you're just a face in the crowd
and you say your life is hallow...
so stand up and make a scene!!
explode like dynamite..
show the world you exist,
show the world you'll fight!

do what they say and live a lie,
you're just another sheep,
tell me do you cry at night,
when you're supposed to sleep?
you do dream of shining,
dream of flying higher?
live your dreams now,
or build their funeral pyre.

live, work, do your part,
part of their never ending chain,
the links that bind you to their ways
bring a "life" that's dull and plain.
raise your voice, you know you can
don't go with tier puppet show,
be strong and take a stand,
only then will the whole world know...

you are here for a reason,
show them why you're born
teach the world how to reason,
to rise from societies scorn.

rise and fly my precious dreamers,
you were made to live,
break the chains put on your arms,
they are not on your lips.

following advice

well my friend has been able to connect with Aphrodite, whom i call Astarte (also known as Ishtar, Astarter, and other names)  and he told me what he learned from her


"what Aphrodite taught me: Love yourself. and take care of yourself. make yourself "wanted". Don't be desperate. If you find someone, Make them want you rather than allowing yourself to obsess over them. dont be easy to get or anything.
brush your teeth more often, if you do three times a day do it 4. Wash your face every morning, warm but not burning water. take two showers a day unless that would agitate your skin, and do it because you know it will make you feel better about yourself and make other people feel better about you as well. be fucking sexy xD"

i'm going to follow her advice;i won't let myself obsess over anyone and i won't be desperate. i won't let myself get too clingy or anything like that. i will control my mind the way i control my fear when i get shots.... deep breathing and focus. that way i can make my feelings for jake, whether natural or influenced by loneliness, go away and i will focus on Allison and Ashley. Although Allison is the one i talk to more, so i am really starting to like her, i'l keep an open mind and heart and see how ashley is :3

heyyyyy

well, if my friend Kasy is up for it, whenever she wants, i might be able to go see allison. Allison has a pool, and if kasey is ok with it, we have been invited to come swim :3 yay!!

buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut kasey won't be here till at least friday and i have to go on a job hunt :/

bored,,,

yeah so... i'm bored. really bored. i watched warm bodies, which was good, but now i'm bored. usually when i get bored... i want to make out with someone... which would be nice, except i'm single. T_T

so... i'm bored.

decisions and jealousy

OK... so i'ma be straight with you all. i'm not a very jealous person, but today i got jealous...
so i hung out with jake today. he came over and decided to take us out to the mall (my twin and i). and... i got jealous of my sister because he was joking around with her more than me. wtf????

and he started talking about the girl he is seeing... and i got jealous.


but in the mall he bumped into a guy because he was "looking" at me.  i said "huh" and he said "i trucked the guy because he was looking at you" and he said it while looking me in the eyes...my heart fluttered.

so i have made a decision about jake. i will hide these feelings from him until  i get a girlfriend (allison is the top contenter) in which case the emotions will simmer down (i believe) and it won't be a problem. if they don't, then i will wait until he is single and not seeing someone or trying to, and talk to him about it. but like i said i believe they will go dormant again.
but something keeps going through my head. when i was talking to him the other night about how i was afraid of loosing him, he said that "my opinion of you hasn't changed in 3 years" .

3 years ago we dated.... but 3 years ago we stopped talking after we broke up.... and then we became friend again. so... what did he mean by that? i keep telling myself that its the "we can be friend again" opinion from 3 years ago... but my heart is hoping its the other....

right. hide the feelings till i get a gf and only if they don't simmer down and he is single do i ask him: "how exactly do you feel about me?"


i hope that when i'm in college i can give him the link to my blog, which i think will be safe because thats a year away and these posts will be far away enough he'll never see them xD

wut.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/marrying-gay-bff

what.whut.wut.wha?

o.o

hopeful.... BAD! bad hope! go away. ._.

focus on allison.... ALLISON.... bad heart. bad.

story idea that came to me in a dream

someone channels Cernunnos and becomes very animallike.....and very sevual when he is alone wit hthe girl he likes. A psychiatrist finds out and wants to do tests so he kidnaps the girl ad when the boy chaneling the god comes to save her, he traps them into a very tight space and leaves them alopne, with cameras.

now the girl as to find a way to soothe the beast part of the boy that is brought out by the god, and access the lovingand caring part... else she fears he will rape her... or that he will convince her...

before  hand:

she is not doing very well on her own. kicked out of her house for praying to different gods, she sleeps in empty houses and moves around a lot. she has a friend come and pick her up from a certin spot in the psrk every day to go top school and work.
he sees he one night and when she drops her wallet he follows her to give it to he and sees she is homeless. not wanting to hurt her prode he starts leaving her food or other things, as a secret guardian angel type thing. and he starts  to become her friend on the flip side.

he too prays to different gods and one night he finds out that she actually needs medication for a mental disability by seing her atempt to kill herself. in order ti save her he calls on cernnuns and he gets the power to save her. well once he calls on the god this way, a bond if forged and he becomes connected to the god.....

i feel this is relevant to how i feel

"I’ve been waiting for my dreamsTo turn into something I could believe inAnd looking for that magic rainbowOn the horizon, I couldn’t see it
Until I let go, gave in to loveWatched all the bitterness burnNow I'm coming alive, body and soulFeeling my world start to turn
And I'll taste every moment and live it out loudI know this is the time, this is the time to beMore than a name or a face in the crowdI know this is the time, this is the time of my lifeThe time of my life
Holding on to things that vanishedInto the air, left me in piecesBut now I'm rising from the ashesFinding my wings and all that I needed"


^ lyrics from David Cook's The time of My Life


first part applies to my entire freaking life, the second part is how i hope things will be, the third part is how i wish i was and the fourth part describes me in general.

congrats grads!!

congrats to the graduates in the 2013 class of north pitt!! just got back from the graduation, i was a junior marshal!! :D

turns out jake had football and family things today, which is why he couldn't make it to my little sister's bday party... :/ oh well

disappointed and paraniod

so... jake isn't coming to my little sister's bday party tomorrow. i am very disappointed (he is my best friend, i do like to be around him)... :(
i was really looking forward to getting to hang out with him again. :/ oh well

i am also paranoid. so... i told my friend Kasey everything i've been blogging recently, and kinda told her bf some of it too. her bf is jake's best friend.... what if jake finds out? not that kasey or kit would tell him... but now that i have said it outloud and actually told some one... i'm paranoid O_e...

i wonder why jake can't come? :(

Allison

because there is no hope with jake, i'll do what i did last time, bury the feelings.... an focus on allison :3
pretty, FUN to talk to, and really sweet :) i really want to meet her and at least with her i have a chance.

with jake its more like shoulda, coulda, woulda. shoulda been born liking guys, coulda stayed with jake, woulda been happy.

with allison its like maybe... maybe things can happen; maybe we'll meet and sparks will fly; maybe we could date; maybe i'll be happy.

with a choice like this, which would you choose?

DISNEY

i love disney... no matter how you feel it makes you feel better :3

i'm watchin' lionking 2!! XD YAY

now my girl needs to message mee!! D:

well then

well... after today i have two theories.

my feelings for jake are comming back. i feel them when i'm with him, when i speak or think about him, and it makes me very confused. i have always loved jake, i never stopped, my body simply said that it had had enough male relations and i couldn't handle being with him physically anymore; and today i realized that i am actually very jealous of his gf and that my feelings were similar to what they were when we were dating.

today in the car on the way to the beach, he let me lay down and use him as a pillow... i was in high hog heaven. While at the beach, i pretty much stuck to him like glue and he didn't seem to mind, which isn't surpising since he is my best friend. But he held me a lot :3 which might be due to the conversation we had last night. but we had several dirt fights, which we flung wet beach sand at each other and completely covered on an other.

on the way home he took a nap with my lap as his pillow this time, and when he woke up half way there, he looked at me and i was quite surprised to find myself holding back from giving him a kiss. this really did actually surprised me. so i am a bit confused....

so my theories:
1 - for some reason my feelings are comming out of dormancy, possibly due to the fac t that i realized just how afraid i am of losing him.
2- my feelings are comming out of dormancy because i am very lonely and my heart has said "oh you need someone to love? well, how about i pull up the one you burried? HERE YA GO!"
however if this is the case, if i get a girlfriend, my feelings will go dormant again.

either way there are several rode blocks:

• his girlfriend/girl he is trying to see
• he is waaaaaaay over me
• i'm still a lesbian.... on the VERY OFF CHANCE anything happens again, idk if my body  will reject him again. because thats what happened, my body rejected him, my heart never did.

so... i'm not going to do or say anything to him about this. i actually want it to go away since I'M SCREWED.

well then.

bestfriend

well... i told him how i felt... the being worried of loosing him half anyway. he basically said i was one of the 3 most important people to him annd that he would always be with me.... i just don't see how.

why do i have to be an insecure female? why do i just want to curl up and cry? i do.... i want him to hold me so i can cry and get all this stuff out of my system. i want my best friend..

damn.

oops. i cried. haha.

i was talking to a friend about my fear of loosing my best friend, jake. here's the convo:

me: i feel slightly jealous of __(the girl he is trying to see)__
i'm scared she will take my best frien away from me. and it tarrifies me because i really do love jake. i don[t want to loose him
but
he isn;t mine
so i can't lose him
 i don't have the right to feel this way
but

him: well of course hes yours. Hes your best friend

me: (tears up) but i'm going to lose him

him: but i dont think youll be losing him sweetie

me: (tears  up more) but i will
i only have a year and a half left
to see him
and then life will seperate us.
and.. i barley see him now
and.. with __(her name)__, he will be seeing her
and i'll lose him.

him: you will always be in touch
youre still a lot to him

me: yeah... he won't have a choice about that part xD
really?

him: Really.
Youre Lisa, He'll never let you go

me: (this is after i've busted into tears now...full on)
right..
thanks
:')
lol i would hate to let jake know i cried over him haha
so, i'd apreciate it he didn;t find out about this




yeah. why am i being so emotional? why am i suddenly so insecure about the person i thought i would always have? idk.... i want to tell him how i am feeling, but he would only laugh at me...

party...

so... went to a "party". def not my thing. the smell of weed was so strong that it made the air thick and my eyes stung. everyone was high and drunk and i just really felt out of place. on top of that i might have gotten a contact high, why do i say this? i got very emotional....

along with gettuing very tired, i got really sad and wanted to cry. i also really wanted to cuddle up with someone. i wanted to be with my best friend and just curl up against him and sleep.

but... i got neither of those. i just curled up outside in someone's truck and tried not to cry.
yeah.... i'm not that kind of party girl.

oh.

well.... Allison, the girl that is super FUN to talk to... she's a grade under me. thats interesting... haha i usually go for someone my age or older, but ya know what? i like her... i'll see how things go :)

DONE~

well i just finished my final exam.... it was supposed to take at least 2 hours. i finished in (8:25-9:50)so... an hour and 25 minutes! XD

and school gets out at 1:30 ish...i have about 3 hours to kill on the computer haha!

so i'll make a list of things to do :)

• get racheal's letters of recommendation from Mr. Scruggs
• pack 2 bathing suits, night clothes, medication, 2 dresses for sleep over
• smile :)

~peace

what can i say?

well, i'm not quite sure how i feel.  my best friend is seeing someone and i'm happy for him. i'm not jealous of her. i'm not angry or hurt.  my current focus on him is probably just because i'm lonely. i guess i am a little sad and jealous, but its not for romantic reasons... its because it means i won't get to see and talk to him as much. i already barely get to see and talk to him... i'm scared i'll loose him for good. i don't want to lose my best friend. i'm a junior in high school and the college i want to go to is  out of state... my time with him his running out. i don't want to loose my best friend...

:)

enjoying my day off :) woke up in a good mood, i feel pretty, and i don't have to worry about anything!
i have plans to go to the beach on thursday and i'm staying the night at a friends house tomorrow  after taking my last exam :)



on a weird nte, i dreamed about kissing my best friend. i know i've posted about him a lot latley, but i idk. wishful thinking i guess :) besides, he's been over me for a while now xD

rant ... be warned

...my little sister. when she doesn't get her way, everything is everyone else's fault. So when i don't want to get my shower before bed, i want to get it in the morning since i don't have school, she gets nasty. she sends me a rude message and then when i reply she gets snippy and uugh... she is such a brat.

although i apologized (not because i was wrong or because she wasn't being a brat, because we had been getting along fairly decent for once until now and i wanted to try and get past this) i get no reply. brat.

darn..

well.... Ashley isn't polythiestic like she said haha, but she thinks it is interesting.

optimistic...

hm.... talking to 2 girls online. Ashley and Allison. both go to the same school, both live in the same town as me. Allison is really sweet and fun to talk to. Ashley is polytheistic like me.... and she seems just down right cool.

hm.... i wonder what will happen? 'd love to keep talking to them :)

no i can't change...

"no i can't change..even if i tried.... even if i wanted to..."

well i want to. if i could change anything about myself it would be the fact that i'm homosexual. if i could, i would like guys... make me bisexual or pansexual.... but i don't want to be a lesbian.

in a perfect world i could be attracted to guys, i would date and marry my best friend jake, and i would live happily ever after.

in reality i love jake. and if i could be sexually attracted to him, i would still be with him. thats the only thing missing.... attraction. i love him. i could be in love with him.... i was at one point.

"no, i can't change...even if i tried" (i have) "..even if i wanted to" (i do)
....

~peace