my feelings for jake are comming back. i feel them when i'm with him, when i speak or think about him, and it makes me very confused. i have always loved jake, i never stopped, my body simply said that it had had enough male relations and i couldn't handle being with him physically anymore; and today i realized that i am actually very jealous of his gf and that my feelings were similar to what they were when we were dating.
today in the car on the way to the beach, he let me lay down and use him as a pillow... i was in high hog heaven. While at the beach, i pretty much stuck to him like glue and he didn't seem to mind, which isn't surpising since he is my best friend. But he held me a lot :3 which might be due to the conversation we had last night. but we had several dirt fights, which we flung wet beach sand at each other and completely covered on an other.
on the way home he took a nap with my lap as his pillow this time, and when he woke up half way there, he looked at me and i was quite surprised to find myself holding back from giving him a kiss. this really did actually surprised me. so i am a bit confused....
so my theories:
1 - for some reason my feelings are comming out of dormancy, possibly due to the fac t that i realized just how afraid i am of losing him.
2- my feelings are comming out of dormancy because i am very lonely and my heart has said "oh you need someone to love? well, how about i pull up the one you burried? HERE YA GO!"
however if this is the case, if i get a girlfriend, my feelings will go dormant again.
either way there are several rode blocks:
- his girlfriend/girl he is trying to see
- he is waaaaaaay over me
- i'm still a lesbian.... on the VERY OFF CHANCE anything happens again, idk if my body will reject him again. because thats what happened, my body rejected him, my heart never did.
so... i'm not going to do or say anything to him about this. i actually want it to go away since I'M SCREWED.
well then.
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