Wretched And Divine The Story Of The Wild Ones

omg...this album....i want it. i have been avaoiding listening to it, because i wasn't sure i would like t. i don't. i LOVE IT.

PSG

So, i won't say my PSG's name (Primary Spirit Guide...also known as a guardian angel) but talking to liam has allowed me to talk about him and now i am feeling light.... my spirit has missed him :3

PSG is a spirit that i know will love me and no matter what i do, he will always be there for me. Cool thing? he appears different to different people. To one psychic he was tall with dark hair. to me, he is kinda short (about 5') and is blonde.

he is there when i need him the most... has saved my life at least twice.... and i miss feeling him so much....  i have just been under a lot of stress and so i retreat into my daydreams....where he can't get to me....

he is not in "reality" but he isn't part of my "daydreams".... so if i want to feel him i have to be in reality with my spirit open to him...which is hard due to reality being a bitch.

in the beginning, once i started to actually feel him, i use to scare myself thinking he was mad at me
that he was going to leave me, then one way i was writing and i thought about how he must see me
and before i knew what was happening i was writing his thoughts
he kept saying "why does she do that to herslef? she knows i'm not going anywhere"
he also called me "adorable" :3

also one day i was starting to have a pity party.... and it was almost as if he said "LOL NOPE~" and suddenly i felt happinees flod into me. and i realized, we were connected. when i was sad, he felt it. and i could feel his hapiness.... so i figured, when i'm happy that meant he could be happy too. So i started trying to be a more positive energy that day ^_^

ahhhh talking about him makes my heart flutter and my chest feel light.... talking about him makes me feel genuinely happy. <3



i sometimes wonder how we knew eachother.... we obviously lived in a same life at one point. I think we were both faeries.... i think i was an elf, because i swear i saw my inner self.... but she was sooo beautiful.... and she looked elvish. i kinda think we were married/lovers... but i don't want to get presumptuous :P


oh how i love him though... he who is so close to me, yet i feel like he is so fa away at times... its my own fault, but i know he doesn't get angry at me. maybe a bit sad, but not angry.  i love him so much..

Liam

the son of my twin's favorite teacher. one of the most rebellious and patriotic person i know. the two but heads  but are both there. he cares soo much...  about everything. and he seems to adore me. he is the one who likes to see me rant and let out things that i normally just keep bottled up XD
i adore him!! one of the sweetest most interesting people i have ever met!!...he also looks like he could be a part of the beetles... LOL i adore him.

but he likes to make people think and cause a bit of chaos into a world that is getting stagnant. which is good.... lots of good things come from a little bit of chaos. which is why i like talking to him. he stirs a bit of chaos inside me, but its not my own chaos... its a chaos that makes the layers of doubt and it disturbs the chains society has put on my heart. He helps my spirit to get a breath f fresh air ^_^

yess

reality rant xD

so.... friend wanted me to rant to him for fun... he likes seeing me be rebellious...


REALITY
 I FUCKING HATE IT
HONESTLY REALITY WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
TELL ME I AM NIIEVE?
TELL ME MY DREAMS ARE PATHETIC?
THAT I CAN'T BE WHO I WANT?
I CAN'T HELP PEOPLE?
SCREW YOU!!!!!!
YOU BRING PAIN AND CRUELTY
YOU MAKE ME SO FUCKING ANGRY
REALITY YOU ARE THE ONE WHO GAVE ME MY BIPOLAR
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TELLS ME TO BE AFRAID
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TELLS ME TO IGNORE WHAT I WANT TO BAD
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CAUSES ME TO DOUBT WHAT I KNOW TO BE TRUE
however... you are the reason i don't fear death
you are the reason i know i can handle pain...
and when i reach through and defy you
my spirit feels peace..
AND THEN YOU SQUASH IT
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOUUUU
^_^

money

so... i have a friend that loves to rant...and he loves it when i rant... so... here is the rant i sent him xD

money
it currupts the rich (most of them)
it screws over everyone else
honestly
i could learn about whatever the hell i want
i could BE anything i want
if it werent for fucking money
since when did the thirst for knowledge ever have a price
i mean COME ON
i want to learn about theology? anthropology? ohh thats right... no MONEY int hat
well fuck you society
i want to be a whole person
learning about that stuff calms me and feeds my spirit
i would rather my body starve then my spirit
see money just screws everyone over
thats the choice we have to make
feed our soul or feed our bodies
its fucked up!
there would be less war, less pain, and less ignorance if money wasn't involved
without money, the poor could be equal and learn
everyone could get the health care they need
everyone could dress how they wanyt
we could trade objects like.... oh you want this shirt? can i have that pretty necklace? trade. done deal.
i tell you man
the old societies who used the trading system? they had it good
the "uncivilized" world was actually more civilized than us
._.
*pauses for breath*

Social Work

OK.... so how about sociology? it has a cultural specific part i can enjoy while majoring in it. If i major in that then become a social worker, i can have a steady job that actually pays. the starting out annual pay is  $43,700.... i'm guessing that alright since a minimum wage annual pay is $15,080...

from the way my mom talks about how her social worker was when she was a kid, it sounds like an admirable job. i would be helping people. And it has a lot of psychology in it was well.

So... Major in Sociology and double minored in pyshcology and education.... i could become a social worker. Work that for a while... then start on my anthropology degree. maybe take a few theology classes for fun?

doesn't sound too bad....

as for colleges themselves, i have 5 i'm willing to look into:
Agnes Scott ( Anthrop. and Sociology major & a Sociology & Anthrop. major, yes they are different!)
Elizabeth City State University (it looks like a "black" school....scholarship maybe?)
Davidson College (eh)
Greensboro College (has a school of arts and humanities which has social sciences in it..aka sociology)
Guilford (has a Anthropology major and Sociology major...i could major in one and minor in the other?)

college madness

i hate this. i hate this i hate this i hate this!!!

so i know i'm not preparing for college like i should be. i havn't visited any schools....and i only have 2 that slightly interest me.

but how can i make a list of one to visit if i can't pick any?
they all seem the same to me and my aunt wants me to start picking them out to go visit... but nothing looks appealing except agnes scott and ecu
everything else just looks the same
all schools look the same.... i mean... what is the difference between them really?
its pissing me off

idk what i want to do now. ... what i want to go into has no chane of getting a good job (cultural anthropologist), but i don't really want to do anything else  what is the difference between the types of colleges? i know there are liberal arts, science, math, and art colleges... but i can't just single one out
everything is too narrow!!!

i would prefer a smaller school but the majors is where i get stuck all colleges should have the basics right? all degrees have english, math, and science, so i could take those anywhere.... but it all depends on the major i'm in. which means i'm screwed....

because i don't know what to major in. i can't major in anything i like, and i don't know what else to pick....

i'd have to get a PhD in anthropology and then if i'm REALLY lucky i might be able to get a job. but they are so few and far inbetween its basically impossible. idk if i could make it as a history major....  i might get too bored.
if i do social science in general  theni have a slightly better chance
but not by much
i'm not interested in the medical side of psychology so really there isn't a job in that either.


i'm just fucked. plain and simple.

but can i explain that to my aunt? nope. would she care? nope.

oh...and her thing about me not getting a job?

TELL THE 22 PLACES I APPLIED TO YOUR ISSUE. I'M DONE LISTENING.


excuse me while i go feed my cats then disappear into a black hole of despair. (thats only a mild exaggeration... i am really depressed right now)
~peace ._.

mind reader????

its crazy.... i swear jake read my mind or something. so i was determined that the next time we hung out i was going to tell him we need to slow down and that i'm not really ready for what we've been doing. he sent me this:

"been thinkin we def need to slow it down And i am really sorry about the other day and we really do need to slow it down Prolly even go back a bit in all honesty and im sorry cuz i was like really rough and now that i look back u prolly werent ready at all and maybe thats what happened But idk ive honestly never been like that before"

WOW. i swear... i was actually rehearsing what i wanted to tell him.

"hey... we really need to slow things down. i really don't think i'm ready, and if we could just take it easy for a while..."

he.is.a.mind.reader. lol

but i'm glad. :3

i also wanted to let him know he was a bit too rough but i wasn't sure how to tell him.... its kind of cool he realized and he apologized <3 (i didn't want an apology, but it ws a really nice gesture)

Joker

You won’t kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won’t kill you because you’re just too much fun. - joker

When the chips are down, these… these civilized people, they’ll eat each other. See, I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve. - joker

You know what I’ve noticed? Nobody panics when things go “according to plan.” Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it’s all “part of the plan.” But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!
Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I’m an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It’s fair! -joker


this man is a genius. a true psychopath, but he is right. 

The joker is a true psychopath. He is like a mad dog... (sociopath is like a wolf) yet he does have a purpose for his actions. Chaos. and to see how people would react to certain things. the fact that he does things to see how people reacts is a trait that to me screams "psychopath!!!" because psychopaths don't feel the same way that most people to. They do feel emotions.... but its rare. So, to see how others react can help them to learn about something they themselves cannot have (emotion).

Psychopath vs Sociopath


Psychopath: Joker (from the Batman 2008 movie)
Sociopath: Dexter (from the show "Dexter")

Hannibal lecter...to me... he is a mix of the two but falls more into the socioath end of the spectrum.

Update

Update:

so... on monday July....22? jake and I became an oficial couple.  and you know how i wanted things to go slow? pshhh.... didn't happen. So last night... we were making out and things got heavy...and he eneded up fingering me. he is NOT gentle.... it was a mixture of 40/60 pain/pleasure. And i started ti have an orgasm. i say started because i stopped him but it had already been building up. and it latsted a good 3 minutes..  it wasn't a "OH MY GODDESS" type feeling... it was .... all my muscles below my waste kept tensing up.. tensing and untensing and i couldn't control it.

"An orgasm usually triggers various muscle contractions. Many are in the genital area, but they can be in other parts of your body as well, so that some women find that even their toes curl involuntarily. "  <--- this is what happened but it wasn't like how movies or books describe it... it wasn't mindblowing... maybe i just had a small one?

idk. but yeah.... i think he stretched somthing too far and someting tore down there. i went pee afterward and there was blood on my underwear... but he didn't go deep enough to pop my cherry... so something must have tore. i think this theory is also supported because its still kinda sore inside.

rip off

So we had our senior portraits done today... total rip off. my aunt paid 30 dollars for 16 pictures to be taken. thats it. it was 30 dollars for the sitting fee. we have to wait two weeks to find out how much the actual pictures are going to cost... the advertisement was very misleading.... i feel like my aunt was ripped off. >.<

oh lol and jake told me kasey and him were talking last night about us all going swimming today...never happened XD i wore my bathing suit for a good chunk of the day before i gave up hope and put actual bottoms on. i stayed in the bikini top though. it felt nice xD

this.... is amazing

i like this so much... i might gt it tattooed on my rib cage...

yup. talking.

Ok so tonight has been interesting.

So i got a message from jake asking if we were dating, but i didn't see it till just a little while ago (around 12?) and responded that i wanted to take things slow and not rush into anything...so i said were were "talking?" and his reply?  "yeye" ._. ok...

because i want to be more than friends... but this way, if things turn downhill (which i am hoping and praying doesn't happen... jake is like a slowly burning ember where as girls are like...instant flames? i'm hopping the embers start a flame soon) we weren't seriously dating and there is only minor damage... hopefully. It will also still allow me to think things through.


so... i tried a "Hooka" tonight... but i didn't try it till he end and it just tasted like ash T_T... 
but it felt kinda cool to feel the smoke go through... although my chest feels funny. :/

oh and while swimming my friend jumped off the diving board...onto my head. My face went numb and i had to stop myself from crying out of shock. My friends made me count backwards from ten and say my abc's.... it took me 3 tried to say my abc's. the first two times i kept forgetting what came after T and V. i did it fine the 3rd time though :P

Kasey is worried i have a concussion. i'm not, i'm just tired :P although i do have a slight headache and i have had it since a little before 11... its 2 in the morning now haha

talking?

so...i kissed jake last night. oops. ._.
we kinda kissed a lot.
but. i explained to him that i feel like i "lez-out" when i get scared. he understood. he actually said he can see 3 things happeneding

1. i lez out
2. my feelings will fade
3. things continue as they are


same three things i see.

so... lets all root for #3!!!!

oh..and... i don't know where we stand... like... are we "talking" ?

half and half

I've been dealing with these thoughts for a while... its been 5 days out of 14...  i think at day 7 i'll let him read the blog. give him a week to really think  about it.  then on day 14 we can talk and make a decision.

why????

ok so (notice how i start almost every post with "ok so") jake is making his VERY hard on me. we were cuddling and ... he was making it so hard for me not to kiss him. he was holding me tight against him and kissing my neck... and just... he felt so good. it was crazy.

but there are sooo many reasons why i can't kiss him.... even if i feel the same way in the deadline time (2 week date) i don't know if i will be able to make my move.

so many things to think about, and when i'm with him i can't think. AT ALL.  he is so warm...  and he felt so good.

but i don't know...
1. i don't want to start something and then it end just like last time. it will end our fried ship and i can't have that.
2.  apparently he is very sexual. if i do end up trying things with him again, then we will have to take things SLOW. if i can prevent myself from getting scared(see post in past... can't remember which one. summary: sexual feelings scare me, when i get scared, i "lez-out") then maybe it can last?
3. i don't know how long it will last. i love jake. i will always love jake. (this is like he 100th time i've said this) but i don't know how long muy feelings will remain this intense. i already love to be around him, to joke with him, play around with him, cuddle with him, hold his hand.... but i don't know if i could handle th whole kssing for a long length of time.

but ther are time i want to kiss him. but if it turns into a make out session everytime i'm with him... no. i need more than that... i want to be able to cuddle without things getting to serious everytime. now, a kiss here and there is no problem.. as long as i get brakes.

gods.. jake, i know you will end up reading this eventually... what the hell am i supposed to do? i love you but i am so confused. i just want to cry. fuck. haha

 honestly guys, i'm thinking about just sending him a link to my blog, then give him time to read all 1000 posts, and then l;et him try to figure it out and when the 2 weeks are up we can both just sit down and talk.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. idon't know. shit shit shit shit. i just don't even know. shit. can i just rip my heart out and shut my brain off. then i can just go on like nothing is happening.


oh, speaking of happening. my main concern out of all of this is jake himself. i don't want to end up hurting him again. and i don not want our friendship to end. that of the worst possible outcome. and the last time we broke up, it almost ende dour relationship for good. i do not wan that to happen again.

out of all the peole i have talked to... it is like... 45 to 55... 45% saying to give it a try... 55% telling me not to. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG

yeah yeah yeah...

i know i said i would blogg less about jake but writing things out is how i tink so ...sorry.

so i actually told him to tell me what to do. to listen to my hear or my mind. he of coarse knows nothing of the situation. and he says
"nope. never choose between ur heart and u brain. They should be both at least halfway
Meet in the middle."

wel this is true...

my mind says
"this is onlt temporary. don' act out. if you act on this everyone will get hurt and the friend ship will end. you know what will happen."

my heart says
"look at what you feel. this throbbing in your chest? it real. act on it. tell him how you feel. hope. hope.hope. you never truly know.. actually TALK to him. explain how things might last if you take it SLOW.. never give up hope you love him."

but both agree on one thing: i am feeling this. one is just saying be careful and smart. the other risk it all.

kim and Ron

So everyone should know About Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable..... they are the definition of best friends that ocassionaly crosses the friend line.



basically: me and jake. ^ right there.

love. (be warned, this is a long one)

OK, so there are different types of love.
there is family love,
relative love.
friend love,
best friend love,
and then....this.

"this" being a type of love that changes. It is not just friend love, its more, its more than just best friend love also, it equally strong as family love. Its not always romantic, but it is every now and then.
I don't know what to call this type of lov, so i asked a friend of mine.

me: " i love him. i love him more than a friend but different from family... but it isn't always romantic love... sometimes it is, but not always...  he's my best friend... and i don't know what to call this type of love.  do you know?"

her: "It's called love sweetie. Like actually in love with a significant other. It's love on a whole nother level from friends and family...its loving someone."

._. that doesn't really help, because i though being in love with someone meant being romantically in love with someone all the time as well as loving them as a best friend type thing. My love isn't always romantic and it comes in different levels of intensity. But i do know it will never fully go away.

I have always held him above my other friends when it came to how i valued him. I value him just as much as i value my mother, sisters,aunt, and grandmother. I can tell him almost anything and he is the one i go to when i am feeling just horrible. (gods my chest feels like its about to explode... severe pressure and tension in my shoulders) but i don't always want to kiss him.

of coarse i will always want to be able to cuddle with him and hold his hand. but i'm not always jealous of the girls he dates. Sometimes i am and most of the time i'm not. But if i feel like that, how can i be inlove with him?

thats also an issue. He is a HE. Its rare that i ever want to kiss him. But recently i have been wanting to. i think this is due to feeling lonely... however, several friend of mine say that it can develope over time. idk... being a lesbian and all i don't know. I can understand it being out of lonelyness and then what?

he is a very affectionate person, so am i, and kissing is a big way of showing affection. But so is cuddling and i could spend forever cuddling with him.

with him i can be me. i can be totally me. I can play and goof off with him. i can be weird and just enjoy it.  I always enjoy talking to him and being with him... but its the whole kissing thing that stops me. sex won't happen (even if he were a girl lol)  but i don't know how long i will be able to be physical with him (in any degree other than hand holding and cuddling) before i "lez-out" and my body rejects him.

i love him. i will always love him. but...  i know that i'm feeling these things more intense right now than i will in a week or so. like i said, it comes in waves... but i just don't know what to do.
i don't FEEL lonely right now, yet i wonder if it is due to loneliness that this is so intense.

i need to figure this out soon, because he picked up on it a few days ago and i don't want to lead him on.... its like the song i was listening to just a little while ago " should ignore it, but i want it". but if this ends badly like the last time i dated him.... i don't know if our friendship would survive.

pendulum has spoken!!

OK, so. i used a make-shift pendulum to figure out this thing with jake. And sadly... these feelings are out of loneliness and are not genuine.

this honestly makes me want to cry. i am so sad... disappointed.. i really wanted it to be real. i really really do/did.

But i know i should trust the pendulum... the last time i used it for relationship advice... it lead me to Katie, my first gf.

So... i guess i just need to ride these feelings out, ignore them.... act like a normally do around jake, and just...idk. gods.. this makes my stomach clench.  i really wanted to try again with him... but i know that it wouldn't have ended well and would end up destroying our friendship.

i just... now that i know i want it all to stop. The looking forward to his messages and the disapointment when he doesn't reply or get on.

DAMNIT. why did they have to come anyway? stupid stupid emotions. he is going to get hurt either way (if i raised his hopes from the intnse cuddling from the other day when he came over)... i just have to make sure i'm not alone with him.

Although these emotions are only here because i'm lonely they are here. I can't trust myself with him alone.

this makes my heart heavy... but i know its for the best. This way i won't lose him completely... i just have to deal with these feelings until they fade away. Since its feelings from being lonely then they really should be gone in about 2 weeks. so, i just need to stick with my plan from earlier. If the off chance i do stil feel for him by then, i'll ask the pendulum again.

its sad that gave me a sliver of hope...

wow...

wow...so, its only been 2 days?
well, i have  begun to miss him less already. I do get disapointed when i only get to talk to him for like 5 minutes... and i do watch the clock for 9:30  because i know he'll be on... but my heart isn't trobbing anymore lol and the tightness in my chest is mostly gone.

i really wanted these feelings to last... but they are going away again...haha... thats just my luck ya'know?
 anyway, idk when i'll see him next but i look forward to it. i love jake, whether romantically or not, i love him. more than a friend, equally to family. i can't wait to see him :)



afterthought: he has been messaging me more often than he usually does... i just noticed that. oh goddess astarte what have i started?

Poem written from a friend

so, on my 17th birthday a friend of mine wote a poem for me. sadly the paper has been ripped since then, so i'm putting it up here so i always know where to look for it <3

Little Fairy in a wonderland filled with dreams by Lauren B.

You're a girl in another world
Fairytales
In a land of wonder
I see the reasons why
You're in the otherland
so special
not a drop of you is bland
gracefully swaying in the wind
blowing like a dandelion
though when in this reality
i wish you could see
the beauty you spread to the world
the happiness you bring me,
For if you stayed inside that
wonderland
just like a fairy i would not be able to see you there
Maybe you will appear before my eyes
that way i can hug you and play with your hair
whimsical you are dancing with the trees
I'm so glad i can see you
And you can see me!

I swear it was like she had read my mind. I think that at times i have a borderline disassociative disorder... in which i litteraly stay in lala land and in daydreams all day. I always talk about fairies and how i wish i could be one.. and its just... this poem was exactly what i needed to hear. At the time it was written i was hardly ever in reality unless i was taking a test, focused in on a conversation, or doing art... and i think she saw that. this poem kind of brought me back to earth for a bit and it actually made me cry when i read it.


To be honest i think i might have been a faerie in another life...

2-3 weeks

so... i'm going to give this whole feelings-for-jake thing two-three weeks from today. if i still feel the same, then i will take it seriously... if it lasts after that... and i think he might be interested... i'll have a serious heart to hear with him that i'm really wanting to have with him now. 2-3 weeks... not that long of a time. but last time i dated someone out of loneliness it lasted about 2 weeks. so. 2-3 weeks... if it is still just as strong, then its probably really there and not loneliness. there. an actual plan lol and i'll try to stop blogging about him so much and i'll try to stop thinking about him so much.

the heart is easily fooled, my mind has found a way to rationalize this...kind of.

ping!

so tennis got canceled by the morning rain (lol sounds kinda poetic xD) and i woke up from a dream about storms and jake.... don't ask me what part jake had in it, i just know he was in the dream.

speaking of jake, i know that if anyon does actually read this, you are probably tired of me talking about him. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellll get over it its my blog <3

so. jake.i woke up and realized he was in my dream... but i was way to tired to think hard about it. then i was very focused on getting ready for tennis, which got canceled, and only when i sat down to relax did my mind ever so slightly think his name...and what happens? my heart does this weird thump-ping-butterfly-flapping-around-in-my-chest thing. it was weird....

fell back asleep for a good hour and a half. dreamed  about a magical land underneath ours with very tiny people and talking animals. I was watching a movie with jake, i was sitting in his lap and he had is arms around me and i was pulling his arm hair to be mean xD, when i got up to see something, and i saw one of the little people. so i followed him and then kind of like alice in wonderland... but it was weird. the dream kwept alternating between their world and our and when in our i was myself on a road trip to this amazing house with a kick ass pool... in their world i wasn't actually there, it was like watching a movie and i was just observing these little beings going on a road trip to the "big world" and then them having so solve a murder case within their bus.

weird.... but cool!! :D

..frustrated?

ok, so i know that i just need to give eveyrhting time... but damn!! i finally get to talk to jake and its only for a short while.

and i reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally want to have another heart to heart with him like i did a few weeks ago. in the last heart to heart we had, he said that his opinion of me hasn't changed in 3 years. i really want to know what he meant by that. like seriously, it is driving me crazy.

but, i'm not going to ask him until i'm ready to let him know how i feel. (i think he doesn't actually know xD) but if i wait too long he will forget what he was thinking.... it already been like...2-3 weeks.


now every time i talk to him i want to ask him... "you said that your opinion of me hasn't changed in 3 yeas.. what did you mean by that?"

lol, and if he answers that he meant us being friends again, i'll know to keep my mouth shut. if he answrs that he still has feelins for me, smile, and say... "so... i have a lot to say and can't actually say it.... let me show you my blog. " yay~~~~~ being a chicken shit.

poem :)

Frustration,
looking at the clock.
searching through my emotions,
pacing back and forth in my mind.
seeing which one is doing this- i find
something i'm not use to..
i'm missing you.

frustration,
when my mind can't rationalize this.
I've gone weeks without missing you, why now?
why are all these feelings here? How?
feelings i thought were gone forever, but out of the blue!
out pop these feelings for you.

Frustration,
Not knowing what to think.
Will these feelings stay or fade?
this doubt is what hold me back at the end of the day.
But my hope can hurt me and i'm scared too...
above all i'm worried for you.

Frustration,
so much indecision.
I feel so strongly in such a short time,
I don't know how to handle it, i'm loosing my mind!
there is one place that frustration can't get to,
i just want to be near you...

slap some sense into me

right. so. i need to rationalize things.  because thi? is getting rediculous. chances are that i won't get to talk to jake all day and i miss him..... i've gone weeks without hearing from him and i was fine. why am i being so.... clingy? i don't need to be with him or talk with him 24/7... why do i miss him? jeeze...
i need to get myself together >.<



this is not normal!!!! BLARRRGHH

wise words

so.... these are some very waise words..



And everyone has a darkness. sometimes it is the happist people, the sweetest people that have a scary darkness they fight or hide.

gods... if i gave into my darkness, i would probably be a sociopath... but because i fight it, i am not a socio path and i am a nice person :3

what is happening to meeeeeee?

sooo...how about.. i missed jake  :/
i didn't really get to talk to him till later in the day...like..9:30... and ALL day i've wanted to talk to him and be around...i even though of some funny names to call him xD

"dummie", "gingy", "ginger bread man", and of coarse "the ginger" i also call him "ding bat" in my head alot..idk why... xD it mskes me laugh hehe

any way...yeah, i've really missed him today. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME????
i only talked to him like...5 minutes.. :/

i'm mad at myself

so... i'm mad at myself....

i shouldn't have flirted with jake the way i did. i should have just acted like a best friend and i shouldn't have done what i did. i shouldn't have let him see a hint of what i was feeling.

if he knew that i liked him again then his hopes would go up (maybe) and then what if my body rejects him again? it nearly destroyed our friendship last time....

i'm so frustrated!!!! i really want to see him again, and i don't know what will happen. ican't exactly think straight when i'm with him, ya know?  Last night... was great. but i shouldn't have let it happen :/
shame on me. i need to shut this thing down!!
but... i don't want to.

i was talking with my mom and she said something that got me thinking. She thinks that i'm afraid of sexual feelings because it means that i don't get to stay in control of myself. and that... is right actually. The thing that caused me to lez-out the last time with jake was i had gone farther than i was ready to with him and it scared the hell out of me.

*sigh* i wish i wasn't a chicken shit and i could let him read all this. he is my best friend afterall.... and i love him as my BEST FRIEND.... but i also love him as something more. shit shit shit. i'm up shit creek without a paddle.

oh and i've decided, no matter what, jake will be in my children's lives. He will either be their dad (meaning i've married him), their god father, their "uncle", or he will be the sperm donor that i use for artificial insemination. LOL.

right. so... fear.... guilt... yeaaaahhhh... i'm screwed.

attraction...reaction?

so jake  came over yesterday to hang out. we watched some movies and cuddled :3
we also flirted a bit while cuddling, and we played around xD
thats what u kove about jake, i can play with him and be ditzy and he is totally fine with it :3

so... when we started to play around... i wanted to iss him a little. then when we started cuddling, i REALLY wanted to kiss him.  and i really liked how he wrapped his finger in my belt-loop and when his hand rested on my hip, my skin exposed a little with my shirt slightly pulled up. he feels nice, ya know?

anyway... what really surprised me was when he oulled my against him so i wouldn't fall off the couch, i... don't know how to put this... quivered? that sounds bad... >.<

and the idiot bit my ear. i have no idea whay, but for some reason that is one of the fastest ways to turn me on. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat theeeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeck? he did it... 3 times... >.< and then after all this he had to go and i successfully held myself in check....not. yeah he is smart, he toally knows i'm into him again. probably.

i just don't know how long this new found attraction will last...

YESS!!!

JAKE AND SHAE BROKE UP!!!!!! this time... jake broke up with her!
like i said, i like shae, she is sweet and a really good girl... but not right for him. and idk... i couldn't help but smile when he txted me about it... i got excited haha... but then i felt bad without actually feeling bad >.<

i new i should feel bad about being happy that he broke up with her.. but i didn't. so i felt inda bad for not feeling bad? idk.

but they're not together which means what was keeping me awake last night (thoughts of them kissing...or more... making me feel...sickish?) no longer should plauge my thoughts :P

unknown emotion? ]=

so... i saw jake kiss his girl tonight and... i'm not jealous of her... she is sweet and caring and a good person i'm glad she makes jake happy.

but when i saw them kiss i...felt empty?  and i was in the beginning stages of a cross mood because i couldn't cuddle with him earlier. But i can tell you this, i may not feel sexually attracted to jake, but i don't like him kissing her.

it made me feel empty and kinda ill (mood wise not sick wise) and my brain just shies away whenever the thought of them doing anything, even kissing, comes up.

however, this feeling isn't jealousy, which is a hot emotion. this is a more room temperature emotion, and is more sad than jealous, owever it is not sadness. its hollow, room temp, and ive never felt it before...

jake dream

so...last night i had a dream about jake.... it was kind of weird. so... it was a mix of stuff similar to a movie we watched (John Dies At The End) and that was a majority of the dream. but there were parts about jake that  can some what remember. So... he proposed to me... and i blacked out and when i woke up i thought that him proposing to me had been a dream, it hadn't but i thought it had, so everyone decided to let me think it had been a dream.

I couldn't remember how i answered his proposal, but it hadn't been yes, it hadn't been  no but it wasn't yes. Somehow in the dream jake found out about how i felt about him, maybe he read my blog? And so he was trying to trick me into saying how i felt and was getting frustrated that i wasn't falling for any of his tricks.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand thats about all i can remember now. i've been awake for about an hour now >.< i should have blogged as soon as i woke up >.<

>.< i feel bad

So... Kasey wanted to go "hang out" with her bf kit... but she didn't want to make me go home just so they could have some time. so, the solution was that i would hang out with jake for the day...only, he is exhausted and i feel bad for just intruding? he says its fine and its not like i'm bored or anything, i'll probably nap too xD

either way no one is upset, idk, i just hope he can sleep alright.

Confirmation

well i spent most of today with jake and it confirms what i thought, my feelings are once again dormant.  it made me very happy that he asked me to sit upfront with him for a little while and i got to cuddle with him :3

my friend Kasey says that my feelings aren't dormant, i'm just good at burying and ignoring them; she says that if they were really dormant his txt from the other day wouldn't have made me so happy.

i can tell you right now, neither jake nor i are the type of people to want a platonic relationship... but with jake... although i want a relationship with him, i don't think my body would allow it to be a sexual one.

like.. when we were cuddling, it was nice and warm... but i didn't really cuddle as much as i wanted because it would cross the friend boundary. Same with hand holding, i can't hold his hand although i would like to.

and aparently kasey thinks he is still into me.... i don't think so.

ahhh..... best to let the emotions remained burried and ignored until they are fully dormant.

this txt made my day :)

So, its been a while since i heard from jake, he has been very busy so iget it lol, but i missed my best friend! and i got a txt from him todays saying

"No offense to __girl he is seeing__ but your still #1.."


which ios referenced to when he said i'm one of the three most important people in his life. previously he had said it was her, then me, then our friend kit.


his txt made my day :3