Financial aid thoughts

3362.50 in financial aid
2087.47 in financial liabilities.....


My car loan is now at 2,250.
My credit card is now 1397

my savings is at 700.

Pay 1000 to the car loan... makes that 1,250.
Pay 1000 to the credit card... makes that 397.

1362 left so let’s boost the savings back up to 1000...

That gives me 1000 left to add to my checking account.


Then I get to pay taxes and buy textbooks. Yay.

But first?

I NEES THE FUCKING REFUND TO HIT MY ACCOUNT

Happy

im happy. I think he’s happy.  We’re happy.

I adore him.

He’s so silly, put weirdness just matches.

Everyday is just fun and an adventure..

Today we run errands and I bet you it’s going to be a blast.

I feel sick

I feel sick. My body feels heavy like it’s made of lead, but I also feel hollow. I want to cry but I can’t. I want to scream but I can’t. I don’t have the energy to move out of bed and yet I can’t fall asleep.

I want to talk to Jimmie. I want to shake him. I want to hug him. I want to make him feel what I feel, but I can’t. I can’t even really put how I feel into words.

I haven’t eaten much today, 4 pieces of sushi, 4 chicken bites, a bowl of ramen and a bowl of miso soup. I have only had  3 glasses of tea to drink. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. My body has had enough and I feel sick. Feverish. My head hurts and all I want is comfort.

Sleep. Actually I’ll take sleep over anything else right now.

stupid mistake

i've fought with Jimmie. talked with Ayla. broken empty bottles and bludgeoned two defenseless packing boxes.

i have felt a roller coaster of emotions today. Betrayal. Intense anger. Regret. Sorrow. Fear. Irritation. Protectiveness.

now i'm just weary.

or am I numb?

Ive listened to people tell me how this entire situation is fucked up. How manipulative Jimmie has been. How hes a liar. A Coward. Selfish. How he treated us like chess pieces. objects. How both Ayla and I deserve better. I have debated leaving him and staying and leaving and staying...

and according to mike i'm about to make a big fucking stupid mistake.

Because as upset as i am with him, as angry as i have gotten, as hurt...

i still don't want to leave him.

however i am going to confront him about a few things.

• if its so easy for him to lie to her like that, several times, what prevents him from lying to me?
• As cruel as how he went about doing this.. Maggie says that he loves me and wants her, what he did was definitely wrong, but in a grey way because he did it for the right reason. I don't know if i agree with her
• the fact that he used me in a lie in such a way another person was hurt unnecessarily from it.    I. am. not. a. scapegoat.
• the fact that he was still trying to think of a way to keep us both despite the fact that i said i wasn't okay with it. It makes me think like he doesn't actually care or respect how i feel...

essentially.... how can i trust him and how can i be with him if he doesn't respect me. 

then there is the fact that i have to wonder.... will he even be content or satisfied with just me? Am i enough?

how he answers these questions will determine if i go to bed single or not. 

FUCK THIS

So I wake up this morning from nightmares. I know what them stem from. My anxiety over possibly losing my job at Foodlion and over the fact that Jimmie has t broken up with Ayla yet. On top f that none of my alarms went off and I was running late, when I see... Ayla texted me.


She said:  I’m hella sleep deprived and way to emotional to be messaging you this but Lisa. It has been a week. If you are not going to talk to jimmie I need you to talk to me. Remember this started as communication and I need to know what you are thinking because Jesus this is just stressful and straining to all of us. And it’s break time! Like I understand that emotions are not easy or soft for you but you should have talked to me about this before it was this bad. Drunk ayla can respect clear boundaries, and I’m sorry that it upset you but this is stressing all of us the fuck out.



Fuck this.

Jimmie wanted till the end f the week,  he had it. Now I’m acting. I have censored and not posted on my blog ALL WEEK because he asked me not to, in case Ayla read it. I had to block her from my Snapchat so that I could post about us seeing starwars because he didn’t want her to know.

Was that his grand fucking pan? Just say that I was giving the cold shoulder and he didn’t know what to do or how to act because I wasn’t talking? I didn’t know how he was managing to draw it out so long, she’s not stupid, I figured she had to have known it was coming... but no. He just kept her anxiously in the dark. That asshole. That poor girl.

I’m going to tell her everything. She deserves to know.

She deserves to know that Monday night everything was decided.

He chose me. Before I even started talking to him. I didn’t ask him to chose. I didn’t tell him I was going to leave. He just chose.

She deserves to know that I have been with Jimmie every day this week.
She deserves to know that he was keeping this from her.
She deserves the fucking truth.

I’m going to tell her my perspective from that night.
Explain why it hurt me so badly.

And goddamn it!!!

I am so pissed.

I should have just trusted my instincts and talked to her myself... but no. Jimmie wanted to do it at the end of the week. Week has passed and he didn’t do it.

So now I am.

And then after I have my conversation with her, he and I wil have one.

Fuck this. Fuck all f this.

And she needs to wake the fuck up and read the goddamned messages so that all of the air will be cleared.


I am so fucking pissed that she thinks I would be so petty as to be silent for a week over something like that. Of coarse I would talk about it as soon as I fucking calmed down.

Ugh. AND I HAVE SIX DAYS OF PENT UP EMOTIONAL ENWRGY OVER BLOGS I HAVE NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO WRITE AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A VOLCANO THAT NEEDS TO ERUPT ONLY I CANT.

Catch 22

I’m in a catch 22 situation. Or should I say Jimmie is?

The only way to ensure that Jimmie doesn’t have to chose one girl over the other is for me to leave him. Gods the thought of that makes me want to puke.

But this opened up a can of worms that cannot be closed again.
And he has the potential not not only hurt me, but destroy me. I’m talking about the same level Jake  did. Remember that? Took me over 2 years to recover.

My brain is telling me to protect myself. How? Leave before he can do it.

But that’s going to hurt. So bad. Both me and him. At least Ayla could comfort him.

On the other hand...

I tell him this. And he either agrees and I leave... or he breaks up with Ayla. This would hurt her, and hurting her would hurt him on top of the pain of losing her would cause. Causing him so much pain is going to hurt me. Plus he could grow to resent me for it. I don’t want that.


So either way both of us are going to hurt. It’s just a matter of who’s going to end up hurting more...

And I just feel guilty. And scared.

My chest hurts. But I can’t be a coward... I have to do it tonight. I will stress about it until I work myself into a frenzie.

Oh gods this is going to hurt.

Catch 22.

Guilty

I feel guilty about being upset with Jimmie.

I keep going back and forth between being mad at him and feeling guilty about being mad. I couldn’t look at him this morning because I was hurt and I didn’t want him to really see how hurt I was. I didn’t want to look at him because I was mad at him. And I didn’t want to look at him because I could see how bad he felt.

I snapped him from the hotel and wish I hadnt. He snapped back and his face looks the exact same. It’s his eyes. You know the look a puppy has when you spark it for doing wrong as it knows it’s been bad but it still wants to love you even after you smack it for shutting on the floor? Yeah. He has that look. He looks like a puppy I’ve kicked. He’s in pain because of me.

Mind you. I’m in pain too.

But I hate this feeling. I hate being mad at him and I hate that I’m hurting. I’m not going to make him choose. I refuse to be that person. It would hurt him to have to give her up when he has feelings for her and it would hurt him to hurt her.

But I’m not okay. Last night just made it too obvious to me just how much I’m not okay with what’s going on. I was doing a passing job of keeping things handled and closed up inside... but last night opened the can of worms and I can’t get them back in.

I honestly don’t know what to do. And I need to figure it out. Because I don’t think I can be around him while I’m feeling like this and I already miss him. I missed him as soon as I drove away this morning.

My heart hurts. I’ve caused so much drama and problems and now someone is going to end up really hurt. And it’s my fault.


I knew I would fuck this up and now I have.


But I don’t want to walk away.
Gods above what do I do.

over reacting

we had "group night" last night. Or i guess i should say tonight since i havn't actually slept.

unlike the last two, i didnt drug myself this time. kind of wish i had.

we went to biggus's and played this new board game and it was fun. then when the game was over and it was time for us all to soak in the hot tub i didn't have the distraction of the game to keep away my feelings of discomfort. So as per usual i grew kind of distant.

we all soak for a few hours, make small talk, and i go inside because its 5 am and i have to get up at 12. i'm lightly dozing when Jimmie comes in. He was getting cigarettes but decided to check on me. We talk and he says sweet things... then pretty much calls me out on not being comfortable with the poly situation. I agree but tell him i don;t plan to make him choose. then he says more sweet things and goes back outside.

a little bit of time passes and they all come inside. Jimmie and Biggus talk about how he's afraid of hurting both me and Ayla and Biggus told him it was inevitable. damn fucking right. When Ayla comes in Biggus proceeds to coach her in how to be dominant with Jimmie... I could hear everything although i tried to muffle it out. So i leave the room.

Now i'm crying. It sounded like they were practically having sex, although i know they weren't outright. I barricade myself in the bathroom upstairs because i knew i didn't have anywhere else to go. Of coarse jimmie fucking follows me and stays outside the door. He tries to talk to me, i try to muffle my crying. " I didn't even really want what she was doing."

bullshit. Judging by the sounds he was making and his comments to biggus, thats bullshit.

I reached out to everyone i could think of to see if someone could come pick me up. but no.

so Jimmie drives me back to my car. He sits in the car with me while my windshield defrosts talking about how sorry he is, and how he didn't mean to hurt me. Swears that all they were doing was making out. Right. If thats the case then I still don't fucking appreciate them doing it while i'm "sleeping" four feet away. but my emotional response is over reacting.

Jimmie kept asking me what i wanted. What the hell did he expect me to say? I told hi i wouldn't make him choose her or me. I'm sticking by that.

Am i hurt? its irrational but yes.

Am i uncomfortable? yes.

will i be doing any more "group nights"? doubtful.

now i'm in bed, with Sweetpea hovering and Bia on my chest.

I was fine as long as I did't think about the two of them being together... doesn't really bother me that much if i don't think about it. Kinda hard not to think about it when its happening a few feet from you.

fuck you biggus for instigating and egging it on while i was there.

and i don't know what the fuck you were talking about when you said "and if that one wants to do things with that one?...." but that was never going to happen and you don't know what the fuck you are talking about.

as for whhy i'm so hurt?.... Jimmie was being submissive to ayla. Ayla is a sub... Jimmie was submissive to me only a night or so ago. saying "only for you"...

bullshit.

i've been awake for 24 hours. had almost no food. i'm emotional and at best going to maybe ger 3 hours of sleep before i meet maggie for mertyle beach.

i want to fucking forget this night happened.

plans for the future.....relationships

so. I'm thinking about taking another romantic partner.... having a boyfriend and if she's willing, a girlfriend. I think it would help my jealousy issue if i had a partner i didn't have to share. I think it would help my relationship with Ayla via my jealousy going down so our friendship would actually begin to work out.

because honestly, she's jimmie's other partner and as things stand now thats all she is to me. She's someone i get along with but i wouldn't call her a friend yet. There is no romantic attraction present, so theres really no point in trying to date her - although i have promised to take her out on  a date and i think it would be fun for us to have another girls night.


ayla would maybe be staying over at Jimmie's tuesday, thursday, and sunday nights (plus saturday which is group night) which means i would really only get to be with him monday and wednesday and friday night. which is fine.. i would still see him at work every other night.

however thats not factoring in her work schedule so it all kinda depends. but roughly thats what it looks like.


meaning i would have tuesday, thursday, saturday and sunday night with my other partner. (her and my schedule permitting.)

however i would also need to pick at least 2 nights to stay at my apartment so i don't end up neglecting my babies again.

and group night would just happen to include a fourth person, so it would be a group date night. maybe go to the movies or watch a movie. go out to eat or to the bar. play board games or cards, etc.

i have a person in mind, but i am just going to kind of wait a bit and see what life brings and just go with the flow.  Plus i don't even know if she would be open to the idea.

unspoken

then there are the thoughts which go unspoken and un blogged because i hate conflict and as much as i hate martyr behavior i am guilty of it to.

but with this i end the tirade of thoughts for the night.

brooks part 2 - sadness

after talking with amy and dakota for a while my anger disapated leaving me feeling sad and vulnerable, almost to the point of texting brooks.

because as angry as i am, its because i'm hurt. and i'm so hurt because while i did hurt him first it was unintentional and was an indirect consequence of me hanging out with maggie instead of him and amy. I apologized sincerley for it. didn't matter.

he proceeded to treat me like shit for the next month, intentionally hurting me. Lashing out to the point that it pushed me over the edge. I became suicidal. i had to draw a line and i can't go back over it.


and ironically as his anger went down mine grew. Now he is treating me like nothing happened while we are at work. and granted - its nice. its nice to not have to dread going to work. its nice to get to talk to him again.

outside of work is a different story. I will avoid being alone with him on the rare occasions i do see him. Because i know we would end up fighting and it would end in one of two ways.... it goes south and he turns into an asshole again. Or i would end up forgiving him.

and eventually i will forgive him. but i wont forget this. i can't.

and gods know how much i fucking miss him.
my anger developed as a way to stop me from missing him so badly while he was being an asshole.
and now he is being nice.


it doesn't make everything better. at all.
but it does make it harder to stay angry with him.

but i can't just let it go. as much as i want to deep down. because he intentionally hurt me. He intended to cause me pain. He set out to do it. He was spiteful and vindictive.

i can forgive when pain is accidental, but purposefully hurting me is different.

and all it would take is an apology.

but thats not how he is. He wouldn't mean it because he wouldn't see it as having done anything wrong.

i can't let myself be treated like that and i will stand my ground. I will stand up for myself. He pushed me away so i went away and will stay away.

but i miss him.

i miss him so badly.

All i want to do is run to him and hug him and cry.

but i can't and I won't.

and that makes me sad.

brooks part 1 - anger

this is a lot to type so i just took screenshots of the convo that pretty much sums how i'm feeling.

essentially in a nut shell.

shamanism post..... male energy

so to get into shamaism i need to balance my male and female energies. i will be safe when i engage i shamanism even though i don't have a teacher, and i willl learn when i need to know as i truly need to know it.


.... male energy...


so i need to form a connection with a mae deity who an help me balance myself. .... guess who?

Odin. at first i was like.... "but hes an asshole".... and he is. but he is also really good for shamans... and women... and women shamans..... so yeah.

but you know who is practically the human incarnation of Odin?........you guessed it.... your local asshole .

brooks.


which brings me to my next post.

so many thoughts

i have so many thoughts and all of hem different i feel like i can't put them all in one post. and if i had blogged even an an hour or two sooner the posts would be very different.

top 2 grad school research

Texas - Michner Center for Writers at University of Texas at Austin

• free tuition - no teaching
• health care - ??
•  27500 stipend a year
• 27500 / 12 (months in a year) = 2291. 
• one bedroom apartments: (still need to see distance from university)
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/GrandMarc-Austin/100031400/#information_section -> student living, furnished, pricing not listed....probably crazy expensive
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Balcones-Woods/2476/ -> furnished, $800, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/The-Manor/100015996/ -> A2, $825, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Balcones-Woods/2476/ -> Buemont, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Balcones-Club-Apartments/6377/ --> A1, 800, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Solaris-Apartment-Homes/8164/ --> 506, $710, washer and dryer
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/San-Marcos/Village-Green-Apartments/100011517/ --> chealsea, 699$, washer dryer facility 
• https://www.apartments.com/sterling-village-austin-tx/xch2d2m/ --> 619$ 
• so on average rent would be at least 800. lets say 825. 2291 - 825 = 1466. - 200 (health insurance?) = 1266 - 160 (car payments) - 1106 - 100 (cats) = 1006 - 160 (car insurance) = 946 - 100 (electric?) = 846 - 50 (phone) = 796 - 50 (internet) = 746... - 50 (savings) = 696.... yeah thats def enough money to live off of. 

Missisippi (to be continued)

date night

So.... date night was worth the wait. We went to a fancy Indian place and then got coffee and talked it wa great.


Still actually having coffee, update to come

Wasted

I feel like my entire day has been wasted.  I got out of class at like 1130, and wanted to cuddle with Jimmie. But he was still in class. So I waited.

Then he said he had an errand to run with his roommate Cory,  but that was only supposed to take 30 minutes.  Then from the car he asks if I want him and Corie to bring me a new dresser to use. So I got the room ready.

 Almost an hour later I’m still waiting.

 It is now 330 and I have wasted my whole day.

Waiting.

I could’ve gone on a walk.
I could’ve gotten lunch with Haley.
But no, I’ve been waiting.

 I am so fucking annoyed.


And I never got my fucking cuddles.

finals

soooo.....finals are here...\


already took the one for criminology today.... i think i maybe made an 80.

i take my sciology final today at 11

i take the fairy tales final on thursday at 12.

my mythology exam Friday at 11.

xmas dinner pt 2

things got better after the anxiety attacks.



for one, all the girls (amy, chasidy, and lexi) bambarded me in the bathroom and i was being smothered with hugs and being told how awesome i am. (aw. it was sweet). They figured with this being the first time me being out with ayla and Jimmie i was feeling self conscious.

and maybe i was, just a very little bit.

but i think it had more to do with the fact that i was calling ayla my girlfriend to everyone when in all actuality shes not. She Jimmie's other girlfriend and shes someone i'm kinda seeing/being friends with. And putting up faces for the sake of simplicity was getting to me.

i looked damn fine too.

things got better after everyone moved to the bar or outside to smoke, then it was just me and ayla and amy for a bit. I started dancing.... felt dumb but then started having some much fun i didn't care. I love dancing to lounge music. its the easiest and silliest way to dance and it put me at ease. I danced with ayla. I danced with Jimmie. I danced by myself mostly.... and it felt great.


i pulled myself out of my funk and panic and anxiety and emotions and just....danced. I didn't have to think anymore. didn't have to worry about brooks. Or jimmie. or Ayla. just move my body to the sound of easy and happy music.

and i felt better.
.... the double shot of frangelico probably helped just a smidge.

Xmas dinner

I’m at the bistro Xmas dinner and gods above help me.

I’m half a glass of wine in and I’m drowning.

So many thoughts.
So many emotions.
Seeing everyone together again....


I wish I could hug brooks. He’s actually been nice to me yesterday and tonight. Almost like before the fight. He’s looking into my eyes when he talks and there is no malice...

But I won’t let my hopes get up. I won’t fall for it. The other show will drop and he’ll go back to being an asshole.

Then it’s out first function out as a poly group. For simplicity sake I’m saying she’s my girlfriend but I just want to scream.

Brooks is talking to me like nothing is happened. I want to scream.

My brain is on overdrive and all I want to do is scream.

Ayla talks to me - wanna scream
Jimmie stands near me - wanna scream.
Brooks breathes - wanna scream.


I just want to just curl up in a ball and be held by Amy.



Just just just. Cut it all off.