Guilty

I feel guilty about being upset with Jimmie.

I keep going back and forth between being mad at him and feeling guilty about being mad. I couldn’t look at him this morning because I was hurt and I didn’t want him to really see how hurt I was. I didn’t want to look at him because I was mad at him. And I didn’t want to look at him because I could see how bad he felt.

I snapped him from the hotel and wish I hadnt. He snapped back and his face looks the exact same. It’s his eyes. You know the look a puppy has when you spark it for doing wrong as it knows it’s been bad but it still wants to love you even after you smack it for shutting on the floor? Yeah. He has that look. He looks like a puppy I’ve kicked. He’s in pain because of me.

Mind you. I’m in pain too.

But I hate this feeling. I hate being mad at him and I hate that I’m hurting. I’m not going to make him choose. I refuse to be that person. It would hurt him to have to give her up when he has feelings for her and it would hurt him to hurt her.

But I’m not okay. Last night just made it too obvious to me just how much I’m not okay with what’s going on. I was doing a passing job of keeping things handled and closed up inside... but last night opened the can of worms and I can’t get them back in.

I honestly don’t know what to do. And I need to figure it out. Because I don’t think I can be around him while I’m feeling like this and I already miss him. I missed him as soon as I drove away this morning.

My heart hurts. I’ve caused so much drama and problems and now someone is going to end up really hurt. And it’s my fault.


I knew I would fuck this up and now I have.


But I don’t want to walk away.
Gods above what do I do.