brooks part 2 - sadness

after talking with amy and dakota for a while my anger disapated leaving me feeling sad and vulnerable, almost to the point of texting brooks.

because as angry as i am, its because i'm hurt. and i'm so hurt because while i did hurt him first it was unintentional and was an indirect consequence of me hanging out with maggie instead of him and amy. I apologized sincerley for it. didn't matter.

he proceeded to treat me like shit for the next month, intentionally hurting me. Lashing out to the point that it pushed me over the edge. I became suicidal. i had to draw a line and i can't go back over it.


and ironically as his anger went down mine grew. Now he is treating me like nothing happened while we are at work. and granted - its nice. its nice to not have to dread going to work. its nice to get to talk to him again.

outside of work is a different story. I will avoid being alone with him on the rare occasions i do see him. Because i know we would end up fighting and it would end in one of two ways.... it goes south and he turns into an asshole again. Or i would end up forgiving him.

and eventually i will forgive him. but i wont forget this. i can't.

and gods know how much i fucking miss him.
my anger developed as a way to stop me from missing him so badly while he was being an asshole.
and now he is being nice.


it doesn't make everything better. at all.
but it does make it harder to stay angry with him.

but i can't just let it go. as much as i want to deep down. because he intentionally hurt me. He intended to cause me pain. He set out to do it. He was spiteful and vindictive.

i can forgive when pain is accidental, but purposefully hurting me is different.

and all it would take is an apology.

but thats not how he is. He wouldn't mean it because he wouldn't see it as having done anything wrong.

i can't let myself be treated like that and i will stand my ground. I will stand up for myself. He pushed me away so i went away and will stay away.

but i miss him.

i miss him so badly.

All i want to do is run to him and hug him and cry.

but i can't and I won't.

and that makes me sad.