over reacting

we had "group night" last night. Or i guess i should say tonight since i havn't actually slept.

unlike the last two, i didnt drug myself this time. kind of wish i had.

we went to biggus's and played this new board game and it was fun. then when the game was over and it was time for us all to soak in the hot tub i didn't have the distraction of the game to keep away my feelings of discomfort. So as per usual i grew kind of distant.

we all soak for a few hours, make small talk, and i go inside because its 5 am and i have to get up at 12. i'm lightly dozing when Jimmie comes in. He was getting cigarettes but decided to check on me. We talk and he says sweet things... then pretty much calls me out on not being comfortable with the poly situation. I agree but tell him i don;t plan to make him choose. then he says more sweet things and goes back outside.

a little bit of time passes and they all come inside. Jimmie and Biggus talk about how he's afraid of hurting both me and Ayla and Biggus told him it was inevitable. damn fucking right. When Ayla comes in Biggus proceeds to coach her in how to be dominant with Jimmie... I could hear everything although i tried to muffle it out. So i leave the room.

Now i'm crying. It sounded like they were practically having sex, although i know they weren't outright. I barricade myself in the bathroom upstairs because i knew i didn't have anywhere else to go. Of coarse jimmie fucking follows me and stays outside the door. He tries to talk to me, i try to muffle my crying. " I didn't even really want what she was doing."

bullshit. Judging by the sounds he was making and his comments to biggus, thats bullshit.

I reached out to everyone i could think of to see if someone could come pick me up. but no.

so Jimmie drives me back to my car. He sits in the car with me while my windshield defrosts talking about how sorry he is, and how he didn't mean to hurt me. Swears that all they were doing was making out. Right. If thats the case then I still don't fucking appreciate them doing it while i'm "sleeping" four feet away. but my emotional response is over reacting.

Jimmie kept asking me what i wanted. What the hell did he expect me to say? I told hi i wouldn't make him choose her or me. I'm sticking by that.

Am i hurt? its irrational but yes.

Am i uncomfortable? yes.

will i be doing any more "group nights"? doubtful.

now i'm in bed, with Sweetpea hovering and Bia on my chest.

I was fine as long as I did't think about the two of them being together... doesn't really bother me that much if i don't think about it. Kinda hard not to think about it when its happening a few feet from you.

fuck you biggus for instigating and egging it on while i was there.

and i don't know what the fuck you were talking about when you said "and if that one wants to do things with that one?...." but that was never going to happen and you don't know what the fuck you are talking about.

as for whhy i'm so hurt?.... Jimmie was being submissive to ayla. Ayla is a sub... Jimmie was submissive to me only a night or so ago. saying "only for you"...

bullshit.

i've been awake for 24 hours. had almost no food. i'm emotional and at best going to maybe ger 3 hours of sleep before i meet maggie for mertyle beach.

i want to fucking forget this night happened.