stupid mistake

i've fought with Jimmie. talked with Ayla. broken empty bottles and bludgeoned two defenseless packing boxes.

i have felt a roller coaster of emotions today. Betrayal. Intense anger. Regret. Sorrow. Fear. Irritation. Protectiveness.

now i'm just weary.

or am I numb?

Ive listened to people tell me how this entire situation is fucked up. How manipulative Jimmie has been. How hes a liar. A Coward. Selfish. How he treated us like chess pieces. objects. How both Ayla and I deserve better. I have debated leaving him and staying and leaving and staying...

and according to mike i'm about to make a big fucking stupid mistake.

Because as upset as i am with him, as angry as i have gotten, as hurt...

i still don't want to leave him.

however i am going to confront him about a few things.

• if its so easy for him to lie to her like that, several times, what prevents him from lying to me?
• As cruel as how he went about doing this.. Maggie says that he loves me and wants her, what he did was definitely wrong, but in a grey way because he did it for the right reason. I don't know if i agree with her
• the fact that he used me in a lie in such a way another person was hurt unnecessarily from it.    I. am. not. a. scapegoat.
• the fact that he was still trying to think of a way to keep us both despite the fact that i said i wasn't okay with it. It makes me think like he doesn't actually care or respect how i feel...

essentially.... how can i trust him and how can i be with him if he doesn't respect me. 

then there is the fact that i have to wonder.... will he even be content or satisfied with just me? Am i enough?

how he answers these questions will determine if i go to bed single or not.