I have accepted that my romantic relationship with Jimmie is over.
I know that the future is uncertain and that there is always the possibility that years from now he and i may come together again. I'm hopeful but i'm not going to hold my breath.
and that kills me. to give up.
but ive accepted it.
I know he apologized for what he said and that he told me that I am enough. That i was a good partner. If it was genuine or not, i am unsure, but i hope it was.
He wants to be alone and work on himself...
but thats what i don't understand.
I don't understand what about our relationship prevented him from doing laundry regularly. What prevented him from playing on the computer and working on his hobbies. What prevented him from going to the gym. What prevented him from growing.... If i was smothering him why did he never say anything?
I told him over and over that I didn't mind giving him space, he just never actually asked for it and said when he wanted alone time.
I know its not for me to understand. Its his journey and his growth. I don't want to hinder that and he says staying with me will do that.
But i would be lying if i said i understood it.
I get enjoying alone time. I love to be alone for a bit. It allows one to relax and decompress. But ive always seen relationships for the grounds in which to grow. A relationship is a tool. It heped me grow.. but i guess everyone needs different methods.
it just hurts.
It came when i finally let my guard down. When i finally trusted 100%. I had literally stopped looking at one bedroom apartments a week prior. I finally felt i no longer needed a back up plan.
I'm so glad I decided to wait to closer to his graduation to buy the ring. I would have felt like such a fool if i had started to make the payments any sooner. Saved myself the money and humiliation.
We would have been together for 4 years by the time i asked him. But I was so sure.
I was a fool.
And i honestly don't know how i could love someone the same way i loved him.
I don't understand how to fully let go. I liked him for so long, and then i loved him, then i was in love with him.
I don't understand how to move backwards. The only thing i understand is how to bury the emotions. completely. Then one day they are just... gone.
I don't understand how he can be around me and not hurt the way that i do.
I don't understand why it couldn't work.
I don't understand him and how he feels.
I don't understand what went wrong and when.
I do understand how important it is to know yourself. Love yourself. be able to be by yourself.
I can do all those things. I prefer the company of others but i am fine with my own... Just not when i'm hurting. I should understand the hurt. I've felt a lot of it in the past year and a half.
I do understand not feeling adequate. I do understand the desire not have each other disappear from each others lives.
I don't understand how i am suppose to be around him; how am i supposed to act? how am i suppose to feel? How much am i allowed to reveal how i'm feeling?
I don't understand how to actually heal from this.
I don't understand how to be in the life of someone I wanted to spend my life with and watch him be with other people.
I have never been in this situation before.
I don't understand how to be just friends after what we had.
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
catch up cards
so... I did a reading sunday 5/26/19 and is was Isa; and she spoke about my eating habits again, and said that i needed to break unhealthy eating habits that i had developed as a coping mechanism.... pretty much: STOP STARVING YOURSELF.
so as far as health goes:
- stop starving yourself
- try to eat as healthy as you can, watch what you put into your body
- limit processed sugar intake
- start taking vitamins
- start eating more herbs/using more herbal teas and essential oils for healing
I did not do one monday.
Today I got 3
Atheling: take everything one step at a time, wear responsibilities lightly, be gracious.
*I think she popped up to tell me they aren't mad about what i did yesterday.
The green man: new energy is coming towards and through me. Shape it. Focus on what i want to manifest in my life.
Shapeshifter: don't limit myself to what i think is comfortable. I am capable of a lot more than i believe and I should branch out and explore. "Be ready to change. now is the time to explore what once frightened you and what will become one of your greatest adventures yet"
^^^^ I want to know more about that one. I think I will use my shadowscape cards because something feels non-physical about it. I will also ask my physical deck as well.
shadowscape:
queen of swords - honesty, seeing clearly/clear perception, discarding past cocoons and delving deep to find the true face to wear and show the world --> this restates the oracle card pretty much...
king of cups - let the currents of life flow through your veins to cleanse the heart of its burdens.
knight of pents - stay steadfast in goals and do not become distracted?
4 cups/3 cups/wheel of fortune/king swords - do not become lost in your inter reflection, the outside world has much to offer/ develop community, celebrate, and be with friends/ cycles, a turning point, fate/ balance of light and dark, steadfast in morality, a leader?
the lovers R - determining values and struggling with choices.... a contrast in who i was and who i will be?
Fenestra:
2 pents: disorganized, out of balance
3 wands R: preoccupation, rejection
Ace Swrods R: Distraction, Obstacles, Opposition
8 wands R: Crossroads, progress, beginnings
Magician: self confidence, action
9 Swords: anxiety, guilt, regret, despair
Chariot R: energies divided
10 Swords: end of a cycle
^^ i feel like thats the whole break up with jimmie described right there.
4 Swords R/9 Pents R: Upheaval and opportunity/ Financial Loss
^ ouch. which makes sense... I won't have a boyfriend taking me on dates and splitting meals and all that. i'll be on my own financially.
so as far as health goes:
- stop starving yourself
- try to eat as healthy as you can, watch what you put into your body
- limit processed sugar intake
- start taking vitamins
- start eating more herbs/using more herbal teas and essential oils for healing
I did not do one monday.
Today I got 3
Atheling: take everything one step at a time, wear responsibilities lightly, be gracious.
*I think she popped up to tell me they aren't mad about what i did yesterday.
The green man: new energy is coming towards and through me. Shape it. Focus on what i want to manifest in my life.
Shapeshifter: don't limit myself to what i think is comfortable. I am capable of a lot more than i believe and I should branch out and explore. "Be ready to change. now is the time to explore what once frightened you and what will become one of your greatest adventures yet"
^^^^ I want to know more about that one. I think I will use my shadowscape cards because something feels non-physical about it. I will also ask my physical deck as well.
shadowscape:
queen of swords - honesty, seeing clearly/clear perception, discarding past cocoons and delving deep to find the true face to wear and show the world --> this restates the oracle card pretty much...
king of cups - let the currents of life flow through your veins to cleanse the heart of its burdens.
knight of pents - stay steadfast in goals and do not become distracted?
4 cups/3 cups/wheel of fortune/king swords - do not become lost in your inter reflection, the outside world has much to offer/ develop community, celebrate, and be with friends/ cycles, a turning point, fate/ balance of light and dark, steadfast in morality, a leader?
the lovers R - determining values and struggling with choices.... a contrast in who i was and who i will be?
Fenestra:
2 pents: disorganized, out of balance
3 wands R: preoccupation, rejection
Ace Swrods R: Distraction, Obstacles, Opposition
8 wands R: Crossroads, progress, beginnings
Magician: self confidence, action
9 Swords: anxiety, guilt, regret, despair
Chariot R: energies divided
10 Swords: end of a cycle
^^ i feel like thats the whole break up with jimmie described right there.
4 Swords R/9 Pents R: Upheaval and opportunity/ Financial Loss
^ ouch. which makes sense... I won't have a boyfriend taking me on dates and splitting meals and all that. i'll be on my own financially.
Saturday, May 25, 2019
5/25/19 oracle card
So I actually got two today
The wizard - 15
This card is one of recognition that I am embracing myself and my spirituality. It basically gives a Kudos and says to keep it up. I no longer fear rejection from friends and family about who I am. I give off a healing aura and am moving forward!
The hedgewitch - 5
It’s time to start eating healthier and watching what I put into my body. Time to eat more greens and herbs especially... use oils and herbs for healing. (Yay... funny tasting teas!) time to grow my oil collection I guess!
The wizard - 15
This card is one of recognition that I am embracing myself and my spirituality. It basically gives a Kudos and says to keep it up. I no longer fear rejection from friends and family about who I am. I give off a healing aura and am moving forward!
The hedgewitch - 5
It’s time to start eating healthier and watching what I put into my body. Time to eat more greens and herbs especially... use oils and herbs for healing. (Yay... funny tasting teas!) time to grow my oil collection I guess!
Friday, May 24, 2019
Transforming suffering chapter 1 reflection
okay so the first chapter of the book was on how without suffering there cannot be happiness, and without happiness there cannot be suffering. They are transient and in constant states of change. You can find both happiness and suffering in the same moment. It then proceeded to talk about the first step of “suffering well” which is mindfulness. Being in the moment.
I was happy with Jimmie, which is why it hurts that our relationship is over.
Except it’s not. Love doesn’t go away. Love, like all energy can change, but not disappear.
I still love Jimmie and our relationship isn’t over, it’s just changed. We are no longer romantic partners, and the love needs time to change.
That change is painful and causes suffering. The only person who really understands the pain is Jimmie himself, because he must go through a similar change. It makes sense to seek comfort with the person who understands that pain, even if doing so is painful in itself. Happiness and suffering together in the same act.
So how does one cope with the suffering? Mindfulness. As the oracle card said, one thing at a time with focus. Mindfulness is focusing on the present moment and only the present moment.
When I start to hurt and mourn the changing relationship I have with Jimmie, I need to just focus on that exact moment. Why does it hurt in that moment? I am with my dear friend. We are comforting one another, and finding comfort in each others presence. Do not think of the past, because it is gone. Our romantic relationship is gone. Do not think of the future, there is no point in wondering or hoping for another romantic relationship together - we cannot control the future, not can we know for certain what will come. There is only the present and at the present both Jimmie and I are going through a change.
And we can seek comfort with one another.
I will make it through the pain of transitioning by focusing on one moment at a time.
I was happy with Jimmie, which is why it hurts that our relationship is over.
Except it’s not. Love doesn’t go away. Love, like all energy can change, but not disappear.
I still love Jimmie and our relationship isn’t over, it’s just changed. We are no longer romantic partners, and the love needs time to change.
That change is painful and causes suffering. The only person who really understands the pain is Jimmie himself, because he must go through a similar change. It makes sense to seek comfort with the person who understands that pain, even if doing so is painful in itself. Happiness and suffering together in the same act.
So how does one cope with the suffering? Mindfulness. As the oracle card said, one thing at a time with focus. Mindfulness is focusing on the present moment and only the present moment.
When I start to hurt and mourn the changing relationship I have with Jimmie, I need to just focus on that exact moment. Why does it hurt in that moment? I am with my dear friend. We are comforting one another, and finding comfort in each others presence. Do not think of the past, because it is gone. Our romantic relationship is gone. Do not think of the future, there is no point in wondering or hoping for another romantic relationship together - we cannot control the future, not can we know for certain what will come. There is only the present and at the present both Jimmie and I are going through a change.
And we can seek comfort with one another.
I will make it through the pain of transitioning by focusing on one moment at a time.
5/24/19 oracle
“And this is your message - find a way to slow down the demands of your life, create boundaries, cease feeling so obligated to sacrifice your needs to the others who are simply noisier and more entitled. For this moment, breathe and still yourself, and then carefully move forward, focusing on one thing at a time, giving each task your absolute attention.”
There of course is more, such as learning to say no to people graciously and to wear responsibilities lightly, but I think that covers the lesson for today.
Just like Mr. Caird tells me all the time, so one thing at a time and you will get through it all.
I’ve been getting cards telling me to heal and focus on healing and accepting what’s happened... but I didn’t know how.
This was helpful. A simple message today.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
acceptance.
Did some readings.
This is the one that made me cry the other day, when i did a reading on Jimmie and myself:
"Ragnarok:
There must be an ending, and it must come soon. You have stood between the forces of destruction for some time, believing that yo hold on and to maintain what is seeking to end as been the strong and right thing to do. But when this card comes, it is Ragnarok - the end of the world. And while this card can speak of earth changes and cataclysms that begin with the sea and the land ad the sky, it is more truly about the end of one time in your life. Because a cycle is nearing not only completion, it must end in order for the new beginning which awaits you to be given the space it needs to enter, and flourish.
Everything has its time. Every tree must fall. Please know that you are either weak, nor are you a failure for letting this ending happen. Holding on us taking up all your energy and draining you, when the finality you are hoping to avoid will actually bring you renewal, truth, and a raw primal moment when you become your own true self again. Cease exhausting yourself by holding on to what is already over. You cannot stop what seems to be destruction. But you can ready yourself to face what must be faced, to go through the hard time that will soon come, but which will bring you so much richness, and so many opportunities. Let go, friend, and cease your quiet suffering. Howl, lift the sky with your cries of pain, but then sleep, and know you will return with a spirit daring, strong, and reborn."
it was so true I couldn't help but cry. I've felt the end coming and have just been denying it to myself. I purposefully ignored it and blinded myself to my intuition and I shouldn't have done that.
Then today the cards said to accept what has happened, focus on healing, and that this was meant to happen and will help me grow as a person.
I no longer have nay anger.
I just keep bouncing between intense sorrow and acceptance.
Soon hopefully I will stop bouncing and just linger in acceptance.
When that happens I can be around him and bot feel any pain.
He is and as far as i am concerned at this time, will remain my friend.
This is the one that made me cry the other day, when i did a reading on Jimmie and myself:
"Ragnarok:
There must be an ending, and it must come soon. You have stood between the forces of destruction for some time, believing that yo hold on and to maintain what is seeking to end as been the strong and right thing to do. But when this card comes, it is Ragnarok - the end of the world. And while this card can speak of earth changes and cataclysms that begin with the sea and the land ad the sky, it is more truly about the end of one time in your life. Because a cycle is nearing not only completion, it must end in order for the new beginning which awaits you to be given the space it needs to enter, and flourish.
Everything has its time. Every tree must fall. Please know that you are either weak, nor are you a failure for letting this ending happen. Holding on us taking up all your energy and draining you, when the finality you are hoping to avoid will actually bring you renewal, truth, and a raw primal moment when you become your own true self again. Cease exhausting yourself by holding on to what is already over. You cannot stop what seems to be destruction. But you can ready yourself to face what must be faced, to go through the hard time that will soon come, but which will bring you so much richness, and so many opportunities. Let go, friend, and cease your quiet suffering. Howl, lift the sky with your cries of pain, but then sleep, and know you will return with a spirit daring, strong, and reborn."
it was so true I couldn't help but cry. I've felt the end coming and have just been denying it to myself. I purposefully ignored it and blinded myself to my intuition and I shouldn't have done that.
Then today the cards said to accept what has happened, focus on healing, and that this was meant to happen and will help me grow as a person.
I no longer have nay anger.
I just keep bouncing between intense sorrow and acceptance.
Soon hopefully I will stop bouncing and just linger in acceptance.
When that happens I can be around him and bot feel any pain.
He is and as far as i am concerned at this time, will remain my friend.
Routine
I’m going to start a daily routine.
Wake up at 9-10 at the latest.
Let’s say 10.
10- wake up.
10:15 - meditate at least 5 minutes
10:30 - pull a daily oracle card. Reflect on it. Meditate on it. (I do this via blogging, so basically pull a fed and write about it)
12 - Read from “No mud, No Lotus: a guide to transforming suffering”
Blog and reflect on what was read.
OR
Go for a walk.
Maybe both on some days.
My old oracle deck said I needed to developer a sacred place. My new Oracle is called “the faery forest” and is a place full of spiritual beings who only wish to listen and support me.
It’s time I got back into my religion and spirituality. It’s always been a comfort to me. It’s always been a place of inspiration to me.
We are going to do this.
Wake up at 9-10 at the latest.
Let’s say 10.
10- wake up.
10:15 - meditate at least 5 minutes
10:30 - pull a daily oracle card. Reflect on it. Meditate on it. (I do this via blogging, so basically pull a fed and write about it)
12 - Read from “No mud, No Lotus: a guide to transforming suffering”
Blog and reflect on what was read.
OR
Go for a walk.
Maybe both on some days.
My old oracle deck said I needed to developer a sacred place. My new Oracle is called “the faery forest” and is a place full of spiritual beings who only wish to listen and support me.
It’s time I got back into my religion and spirituality. It’s always been a comfort to me. It’s always been a place of inspiration to me.
We are going to do this.
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Growth
It wasn’t that I am not enough.
As I thought he was just pushing me away.
This revolves around growth. He needs to grow and feels that growing alone is the best option for him.
If by the time he feels he is where he wants to be, he still wants a future with me then he can reach out.
If I’m still there.
I don’t know how long he will need to grow into himself. And I mourn the relationship lost.
But I am weak.
I still want to be with him.
If he wants to cuddle I will not say no.
If he wants to run errands, I will not say no.
If he wants to go out and do things I will not say no.
But I will give him his space to grow. I will not invite him out to do things until I have moved out. That’s two months. I will Be here when he wants me and I will swallow the sorrow.
Because I know.
When I leave in August, I leave what we could have had behind me. And As painful as that is, I will drag it out as long as I can. I will take what I can get for as long as I can before he is gone from me completely.
I have two months of tears and heartbreak ahead.
But between them I get moments of comfort and peace.
I’ll take it.
Because soon, too soon, it will be gone.
As I thought he was just pushing me away.
This revolves around growth. He needs to grow and feels that growing alone is the best option for him.
If by the time he feels he is where he wants to be, he still wants a future with me then he can reach out.
If I’m still there.
I don’t know how long he will need to grow into himself. And I mourn the relationship lost.
But I am weak.
I still want to be with him.
If he wants to cuddle I will not say no.
If he wants to run errands, I will not say no.
If he wants to go out and do things I will not say no.
But I will give him his space to grow. I will not invite him out to do things until I have moved out. That’s two months. I will Be here when he wants me and I will swallow the sorrow.
Because I know.
When I leave in August, I leave what we could have had behind me. And As painful as that is, I will drag it out as long as I can. I will take what I can get for as long as I can before he is gone from me completely.
I have two months of tears and heartbreak ahead.
But between them I get moments of comfort and peace.
I’ll take it.
Because soon, too soon, it will be gone.
alex dream interpretation
Alex, reoccurring dream
wake up floating in the CALM ocean, open deep water. no land or boats around. cloudy, sunny with overcast. no other animals.
just her, the water.
then a shark surfaces and eats her whole.
* sometimes accompanied by eerie classical music when the shark shows up.
Ocean: To see an ocean in your dream represents the state of your emotions and feelings = CALM, stagnant? STUCK
Clouds: To see fluffy, white clouds in your dream signify inner peace, spiritual harmony and compassion. An issue in your waking life may be clearing up. Thus, the dream may be a metaphor for your "clouded" way of thinking.
Shark: To see a shark in your dream indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You are undergoing a long and difficult emotional period and may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others. Perhaps you are struggling with your individuality and independence, especially in some aspect of your relationship. Alternatively, a shark represents a person in your life who is greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality with these qualities.
when she was having this dream she was being severely bullied.
wake up floating in the CALM ocean, open deep water. no land or boats around. cloudy, sunny with overcast. no other animals.
just her, the water.
then a shark surfaces and eats her whole.
* sometimes accompanied by eerie classical music when the shark shows up.
Ocean: To see an ocean in your dream represents the state of your emotions and feelings = CALM, stagnant? STUCK
Clouds: To see fluffy, white clouds in your dream signify inner peace, spiritual harmony and compassion. An issue in your waking life may be clearing up. Thus, the dream may be a metaphor for your "clouded" way of thinking.
Shark: To see a shark in your dream indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You are undergoing a long and difficult emotional period and may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others. Perhaps you are struggling with your individuality and independence, especially in some aspect of your relationship. Alternatively, a shark represents a person in your life who is greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality with these qualities.
when she was having this dream she was being severely bullied.
Want/need
What I need...
Is a partner that respects me
Is a partner who wants the same thing as me, at the same time as me.
Is a partner who is content to have me and only me.
What I want...
Is to bury my face in his chest.
Is to feel his arms around me, his hands on my face, and his lips on mine.
Is to hear him say that he was wrong and I am enough.
But I know those words, at least truthfully may never come. And IF they do, it will be months from now. Maybe years.
What I need is someone who is at the same level emotionally that I am.
What I want is him.
What I need is to bide my time, pack my things, heal as best I can. Avoid him as much as possible.
What I want is August to already be here.
What I need to to do a cutting chord spell.
What I want is for him to cuddle me.
Also, my cats miss him.
Is a partner that respects me
Is a partner who wants the same thing as me, at the same time as me.
Is a partner who is content to have me and only me.
What I want...
Is to bury my face in his chest.
Is to feel his arms around me, his hands on my face, and his lips on mine.
Is to hear him say that he was wrong and I am enough.
But I know those words, at least truthfully may never come. And IF they do, it will be months from now. Maybe years.
What I need is someone who is at the same level emotionally that I am.
What I want is him.
What I need is to bide my time, pack my things, heal as best I can. Avoid him as much as possible.
What I want is August to already be here.
What I need to to do a cutting chord spell.
What I want is for him to cuddle me.
Also, my cats miss him.
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Planning.
what i have/being given to me from Mrs heather
- Bed
- Bedframe
- dresser
- plates
- bowls
- TV
- TV stand
- cat tree
- pantry
- Headboard
- coffee table?
- chairs?
- book shelf
- art to match oriental fan
- toilet brush
- cat litter box and scoop
- casserole dish
- coffee pot
- crock pot
What I need:
- couch
- box spring
- bed sheets
- pots and pans
- Cookie sheets
- storage boxes for clothes
-600$ for pet deposits
- door mirror
- humidifier
- bath towels
* to be updated as time goes on
Sunday, May 19, 2019
Outcome pt 2
Its done.
We are officially no longer together.
Moving forward...
I guess he gets to be alone and be just himself for however long he likes.
I go apartment hunting tomorrow. I leave in August..
And hopefully I don’t lose him completely. We were good friends before... I want to keep that. He’s a great person.
We just want different things in life. we both could see settling down with each three... and the future is unknown, but I won’t hold my breath.
I wish him well and all happiness.
I am curious as to what the future will bring moving forward.
We are officially no longer together.
Moving forward...
I guess he gets to be alone and be just himself for however long he likes.
I go apartment hunting tomorrow. I leave in August..
And hopefully I don’t lose him completely. We were good friends before... I want to keep that. He’s a great person.
We just want different things in life. we both could see settling down with each three... and the future is unknown, but I won’t hold my breath.
I wish him well and all happiness.
I am curious as to what the future will bring moving forward.
Saturday, May 18, 2019
How?
I can’t stop crying until I spray his cologne.
I can only calm down when I smell him.
How am I going to get through this?
It hurts so bad.
It hurts so bad.
It hurts so bad.
I love him so much.
Why did this have to happen?
How do I do this?
How do I get through this?
I can only calm down when I smell him.
How am I going to get through this?
It hurts so bad.
It hurts so bad.
It hurts so bad.
I love him so much.
Why did this have to happen?
How do I do this?
How do I get through this?
Fooling myself
I’m fooling myself. There is no hope for this.
Hoping for a miracle is just me trying to bargain with the universe.
There is no way to take back what has been said and what has been felt. I’m just glad it came up now towards the end of the lease.
I just want to cry. I want to be in his arms, held tightly, face buried in his chest, and told this is a bad dream.
I want to live in a magical world where love is enough to make anything work. But this is reality.
And this is real.
And it’s over. I’m doing it when I drop the cats back off at the apartment tomorrow.
Never in my life did I think I would ever have to break up with somone I was totally in love with.
I really thought he was the one.
I thought I could spend my life with him and be happy.
I was just fooling myself.
Hoping for a miracle is just me trying to bargain with the universe.
There is no way to take back what has been said and what has been felt. I’m just glad it came up now towards the end of the lease.
I just want to cry. I want to be in his arms, held tightly, face buried in his chest, and told this is a bad dream.
I want to live in a magical world where love is enough to make anything work. But this is reality.
And this is real.
And it’s over. I’m doing it when I drop the cats back off at the apartment tomorrow.
Never in my life did I think I would ever have to break up with somone I was totally in love with.
I really thought he was the one.
I thought I could spend my life with him and be happy.
I was just fooling myself.
Outcome...part 1
I am breaking up with Jimmie.
That is the decision I have come to, if that’s not clear.
I am moving to a separate room to sleep in and in August I will move out.
But I still love him.
And if he by some miracle can give me a reason not to leave that actually convinces me that there is a way this can work... I would be open to it.
But I don’t see how it can. I don’t see how this relationship cam work. It would take a miracle.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t have a sliver of hope
And I don’t foresee him putting in any effort to change the current outcome.
I don’t have a reason to stay.
I just need a reason. A glimmer of hope. Something.
But I also don’t know if I could believe anything that came out of his mouth.
I’m two months the man I thought I would marry will be out of my life.
Wow.
That is the decision I have come to, if that’s not clear.
I am moving to a separate room to sleep in and in August I will move out.
But I still love him.
And if he by some miracle can give me a reason not to leave that actually convinces me that there is a way this can work... I would be open to it.
But I don’t see how it can. I don’t see how this relationship cam work. It would take a miracle.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t have a sliver of hope
And I don’t foresee him putting in any effort to change the current outcome.
I don’t have a reason to stay.
I just need a reason. A glimmer of hope. Something.
But I also don’t know if I could believe anything that came out of his mouth.
I’m two months the man I thought I would marry will be out of my life.
Wow.
Friday, May 17, 2019
Yeah.
I’ve decided.
I have sought the council of several people who are much older and wiser than myself.
Every single one of them agrees.
This is the right thing to do, for both our sakes.
I think about it and I can’t breathe.
But things have changed, and I havnt. There is no need to keep something alive and miserable when it’s only going to die in a short while anyway.
One second I’m sure. The next I’m not. The next I want to just cease to exist. Then I’m struck by a sense of self preservation. Then the cycle repeats.
Monday I will go out and look at apartments.
I pray to the gods for a miracle because I really don’t want to do this.
But honestly, it’s time I concerned myself with my own happiness. I am done diminishing myself and lowering myself to please others.
This time I’m breaking the habit and standing tall.
Even if I am ugly crying.
I have sought the council of several people who are much older and wiser than myself.
Every single one of them agrees.
This is the right thing to do, for both our sakes.
I think about it and I can’t breathe.
But things have changed, and I havnt. There is no need to keep something alive and miserable when it’s only going to die in a short while anyway.
One second I’m sure. The next I’m not. The next I want to just cease to exist. Then I’m struck by a sense of self preservation. Then the cycle repeats.
Monday I will go out and look at apartments.
I pray to the gods for a miracle because I really don’t want to do this.
But honestly, it’s time I concerned myself with my own happiness. I am done diminishing myself and lowering myself to please others.
This time I’m breaking the habit and standing tall.
Even if I am ugly crying.
I think i'm going to throw up.
i don't want to break up.
I don't want to move out.
I want him and I want happy ever after.
i don't want to lose him. I love him.
but with how he honestly feels finally coming to light.. I don't know how we can stay together.
He's not happy in the relationship.
I can't make him happy and ensure my own happiness at the same time.
We can try separating but I don't think its going to help, if anything it would just ease us into saying goodbye.
We started out as one thing, agreed on one thing, and i thought we had a clear vision for the future.
Now he wants something different and I still want the same thing, and those two things aren't compatible.
Its not fair for either of us.
I just want to come home.
I want to see him.
I want all of this just resolved.
but i honestly do not see how this is going to end happily.
at least this came out now as opposed to who knows how much longer down the road.
He's not ready to settle down with a partner.
I am.
he wants casual and I want serious.
He wants other and I want him.
how can that come together in any way that makes anyone happy?
I don't want to move out.
I want him and I want happy ever after.
i don't want to lose him. I love him.
but with how he honestly feels finally coming to light.. I don't know how we can stay together.
He's not happy in the relationship.
I can't make him happy and ensure my own happiness at the same time.
We can try separating but I don't think its going to help, if anything it would just ease us into saying goodbye.
We started out as one thing, agreed on one thing, and i thought we had a clear vision for the future.
Now he wants something different and I still want the same thing, and those two things aren't compatible.
Its not fair for either of us.
I just want to come home.
I want to see him.
I want all of this just resolved.
but i honestly do not see how this is going to end happily.
at least this came out now as opposed to who knows how much longer down the road.
He's not ready to settle down with a partner.
I am.
he wants casual and I want serious.
He wants other and I want him.
how can that come together in any way that makes anyone happy?
looking.
What i'm paying now.
rent 229
utilities 60
internet 30
health insurance 30
car insurance 125
credit 50
student loan 50
phone 50
groceries 100
cats 40 (4$ bag of catlitter every week = 16, $12 pack of canned cat food twice a month is 24)
gas 50
misc. 100
savings 50
---------------------------------
964
(i feel like i'm forgetting something)
The Gables East
washer and dryer included. utilities included. internet included. one bedroom.
rent/utilities/internet - 625
health insurance 30
car insurance 125
credit 50
student loan 50
phone 50
groceries 100
cats 40
gas 50
misc. 100
savings 50
--------------------
1270 - ouch. no.
+ i have to buy furniture.
Paramount 3800
private room and private bathroom --> fully furnished with a Full bed so if i wanted to have someone sleep over they could fit. 3 roommates.
rent/utilities/internet - 420
health insurance 30
car insurance 125
credit 50
student loan 50
phone 50
groceries 100
cats 40
gas 50
misc. 100
savings 50
cat rent: 25 per pet: 50 (smuggle 3rd one in)
-----------------------------------------------------------
1115
+ gym
+ 2 pools
--------- nice.
Riverwalk townhomes
*not furnished, 2 roommates
*6 MONTH LEASES!!!
rent/utilities/(internet?) - 375
health insurance 30
car insurance 125
credit 50
student loan 50
phone 50
groceries 100
cats 40
gas 50
misc. 100
savings 50
---------------------------------------------
1020 - its barebones, but not bad.
Dockside townhomes (eastern prop)
*not furnished, 2 roommates
*6 MONTH LEASES!!!
rent/utilities- 315
internet - 45 alone (40-80mbps)/ 55 for the whole apartment to split (100-140 Mbps)
health insurance 30
car insurance 125
credit 50
student loan 50
phone 50
groceries 100
cats 40
gas 50
misc. 100
savings 50
---------------------------------------------
1005/980
Gladiolus
* no furniture
*must buy/rent washer and dryer
rent - 440
utilities - 80
internet - 45
health insurance 30
health insurance 30
car insurance 125
credit 50
student loan 50
phone 50
groceries 100
cats 40
gas 50
misc. 100
savings 50
----------------------
1169.... ouch...
+ 35 rent to own washer and dryer
-----------
1204.
nope.
----------------------
1169.... ouch...
+ 35 rent to own washer and dryer
-----------
1204.
nope.
OR i could try to find a a roommate and go half on all bills, but then i wouldn't be self sufficient.
Brookridge: most expensive i'll go
*washer and dryer included, hardwood floors, NICE kitchen, decent room sizes
rent - 640/2 = 320
utilities - 60
internet - 45 (40-80mbps)/ 55 (100-140 Mbps) (split in 2) #centurylink
health insurance 30
car insurance 125
credit 50
student loan 50
phone 50
groceries 100
cats 40
gas 50
misc. 100
savings 50
------------
1050
http://wainrightproperties.com/wp-content/uploads/bsk-pdf-manager/2019/05/Currently-Available-5.17.19.pdf
https://www.apartments.com/714-patton-cir-winterville-nc/x24vq8q/ - pet rent
https://www.apartments.com/boulevard-west-greenville-nc/ljvkxse/ - 20$ pet rent
https://www.apartments.com/rosemont-apartments-greenville-nc/vx5x7rf/
Village green! - some have washer and dryer...
------------
1050
http://wainrightproperties.com/wp-content/uploads/bsk-pdf-manager/2019/05/Currently-Available-5.17.19.pdf
Name:
*feaures
rent -
utilities -
internet - 45 (40-80mbps)/ 55 (100-140 Mbps) (split in 2) #centurylink
health insurance 30
car insurance 125
credit 50
student loan 50
phone 50
groceries 100
cats 40
gas 50
misc. 100
savings 50
+ 35 rent to own washer and dryer
+ 35 rent to own washer and dryer
https://www.apartments.com/boulevard-west-greenville-nc/ljvkxse/ - 20$ pet rent
https://www.apartments.com/rosemont-apartments-greenville-nc/vx5x7rf/
Village green! - some have washer and dryer...
result... kind of?
okay. so jimmie and I are still fighting.
I honestly just.. i don't get it. I don't get him. I don't get any of this fucking bullshit.
but fine.
I will hardcore look for a roommate and a place to move out to in august.
I think the plan is for when i go back home to move my stuff into the spare bedroom and move all of his work and printing stuff unto the living room because i don't think it will fit in the bedroom.
he wants continued space, I will give him that. its only 2-3 months left. Its better than locking the cats in this tiny room at my mom's all day where they can't do or go anywhere. Jimmie can even close his door at night so sweetpea and smokey won't wake him up.
I have to wait to order the mattress until its officially the plan. Then i'll just sleep on the futon until it arrives. I'll take back my bed frame and my TV and just stay in the room. Its only for 2 months so maybe jimmie will let me keep my my clothes and the dresser in the big room and i'll move the catlitter into my room so Diana can stand to be in the living room.
we are separating.
I don't know if this is a break up yet. With the way things are going, we are headed that direction very quickly.
but we are separating.
I stood up for myself. I held my ground. I am keeping to my standards.
he never addressed when he stopped respecting me. He's acting all "woe is me" because he's "sacrificing" his desire to date other people.
we agreed on monogamy two months into the relationship. and hes only chosen the last two months to throw a hissy fit about it. I don't understand his desire to casually date around. Casual dating is for courting and getting to know someone, to move on to a serious relationship. You don't causally date and expect a serious relationship to just wait in the background.
He said he was totally fine with monogamy when we started.
now its a great "sacrifice" on his end.
fuck that.
want more time to himself. Fine.
he has:
8 hours of work.
4 hours of alone time.
5 hours with me.
7 hours of sleep.
I have:
5-5.5 hours of work
3.5-4 hours of alone time.
5 hours with him.
10 hours of sleep
I went from spending 8+ hours a day with him to 5, and i made myself content with that. But he wants more alone time and less time with me.
so i'm going to give that to him.
I'll be out of his hair in august, december at the latest because we can do month to month and hes going to need time to find a two bedroom with diana. If they don't allow me to stay then I guess its another two months at my moms, maximum.
then i'll be out of his hair.
He can come see me when he wants to be around me.
...
I need to start looking for boxes for my stuff.
I have two months to save up to move.
I have two months to find a roommate and a place to live.
lol i'm going to lose netflix since i told my mom it was okay to drop me since i use jimmies. that was dumb.
I'm in the same damn predicament i was in last summer.
I honestly just.. i don't get it. I don't get him. I don't get any of this fucking bullshit.
but fine.
I will hardcore look for a roommate and a place to move out to in august.
I think the plan is for when i go back home to move my stuff into the spare bedroom and move all of his work and printing stuff unto the living room because i don't think it will fit in the bedroom.
he wants continued space, I will give him that. its only 2-3 months left. Its better than locking the cats in this tiny room at my mom's all day where they can't do or go anywhere. Jimmie can even close his door at night so sweetpea and smokey won't wake him up.
I have to wait to order the mattress until its officially the plan. Then i'll just sleep on the futon until it arrives. I'll take back my bed frame and my TV and just stay in the room. Its only for 2 months so maybe jimmie will let me keep my my clothes and the dresser in the big room and i'll move the catlitter into my room so Diana can stand to be in the living room.
we are separating.
I don't know if this is a break up yet. With the way things are going, we are headed that direction very quickly.
but we are separating.
I stood up for myself. I held my ground. I am keeping to my standards.
he never addressed when he stopped respecting me. He's acting all "woe is me" because he's "sacrificing" his desire to date other people.
we agreed on monogamy two months into the relationship. and hes only chosen the last two months to throw a hissy fit about it. I don't understand his desire to casually date around. Casual dating is for courting and getting to know someone, to move on to a serious relationship. You don't causally date and expect a serious relationship to just wait in the background.
He said he was totally fine with monogamy when we started.
now its a great "sacrifice" on his end.
fuck that.
want more time to himself. Fine.
he has:
8 hours of work.
4 hours of alone time.
5 hours with me.
7 hours of sleep.
I have:
5-5.5 hours of work
3.5-4 hours of alone time.
5 hours with him.
10 hours of sleep
I went from spending 8+ hours a day with him to 5, and i made myself content with that. But he wants more alone time and less time with me.
so i'm going to give that to him.
I'll be out of his hair in august, december at the latest because we can do month to month and hes going to need time to find a two bedroom with diana. If they don't allow me to stay then I guess its another two months at my moms, maximum.
then i'll be out of his hair.
He can come see me when he wants to be around me.
...
I need to start looking for boxes for my stuff.
I have two months to save up to move.
I have two months to find a roommate and a place to live.
lol i'm going to lose netflix since i told my mom it was okay to drop me since i use jimmies. that was dumb.
I'm in the same damn predicament i was in last summer.
Thursday, May 16, 2019
It’s not me.
No more pity shit.
No more feeling sorry for myself.
It’s time to get mad. And stay mad.
Because you know what?
I’m not too much. I am enough.
I have a large portion of my shift together and I have a hell of a lot of potential and drive for my future.
To the right person I wouldn’t be found drastically lacking.
No one is perfect and everyone has faults.
But the the right person, I am enough.
Or I will be.
It’s not me that’s the issue.
The right person will find me to be worth the effort. They will find me challenging and fun. They would want to build a life with me. They would be satisfied with me and only me.
Maybe the right person isn’t Jimmie.
No more feeling sorry for myself.
It’s time to get mad. And stay mad.
Because you know what?
I’m not too much. I am enough.
I have a large portion of my shift together and I have a hell of a lot of potential and drive for my future.
To the right person I wouldn’t be found drastically lacking.
No one is perfect and everyone has faults.
But the the right person, I am enough.
Or I will be.
It’s not me that’s the issue.
The right person will find me to be worth the effort. They will find me challenging and fun. They would want to build a life with me. They would be satisfied with me and only me.
Maybe the right person isn’t Jimmie.
Why me?
I keep bouncing between angry and sorrowful.
What was said was so hurtful and it just repeats in my brain over and over... even though I know it’s projection, it haunts my mind.
I’m going to have my masters degree by the time I’m 27 (at the latest).
Within another year I will be completely financially independent from anyone.
As of right now I can at least pay my bills as they are.
I’m making social connections to people of influence, which could potentially land me in a very cushy job upon graduation.
I can cook and take care of myself.
I know what I want in a relationship and in a partner, no questions or confusion about it’s
I know what I want with a partner, no confusion or question about it.
I have a plan for my life and I’m making moves to see it happen.
I’m kind and compassionate.
Perhaps I love too much, too fast, and too easily.
I put up with more shit that I should.
I have the opportunity for better but like an idiot I listen to my heart.
I am willing to try new things with and for the people I love.
I’m fucking enough.
But you know what’s ridiculous? When I know I’m enough and I still feel myself believing and giving into someone else’s confused and chaotic ideas of perfect. Like an idiot I’m pining over someone that doesn’t know what they want and possibly doesn’t want me.
So many people would jump if I paid them the time of day and yet here I am crying like a moron in my car unable to go home.
Gods above what is wrong with me? I know I am enough and that I’m a fantastic person and fantastic partner. Why do I let those words get to me?
Why am I so fucking stupid.
They were right and yet I don’t want to leave or give up.
But why is it always me in this situation?
Why is it only me?
What was said was so hurtful and it just repeats in my brain over and over... even though I know it’s projection, it haunts my mind.
I’m going to have my masters degree by the time I’m 27 (at the latest).
Within another year I will be completely financially independent from anyone.
As of right now I can at least pay my bills as they are.
I’m making social connections to people of influence, which could potentially land me in a very cushy job upon graduation.
I can cook and take care of myself.
I know what I want in a relationship and in a partner, no questions or confusion about it’s
I know what I want with a partner, no confusion or question about it.
I have a plan for my life and I’m making moves to see it happen.
I’m kind and compassionate.
Perhaps I love too much, too fast, and too easily.
I put up with more shit that I should.
I have the opportunity for better but like an idiot I listen to my heart.
I am willing to try new things with and for the people I love.
I’m fucking enough.
But you know what’s ridiculous? When I know I’m enough and I still feel myself believing and giving into someone else’s confused and chaotic ideas of perfect. Like an idiot I’m pining over someone that doesn’t know what they want and possibly doesn’t want me.
So many people would jump if I paid them the time of day and yet here I am crying like a moron in my car unable to go home.
Gods above what is wrong with me? I know I am enough and that I’m a fantastic person and fantastic partner. Why do I let those words get to me?
Why am I so fucking stupid.
They were right and yet I don’t want to leave or give up.
But why is it always me in this situation?
Why is it only me?
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
enough
I keep trying to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me.
this is the... 4th? 5th? relationship in which i always seem to be the one more invested, more committed, and less appreciated.
I am so tired of being told i'm not enough.
i am so tired of being told i'm not enough.
i am so tired of being told i'm not enough.
i'm enough to boost people's egos and then what? i don't get why people grow so bored of me.
it happens every time and i just don't get it.
I am enough for the right person. I should not be made to feel like i'm not enough.
or that i'm too much. and not enough. at the same time.
i am just enough for the right person and i really hope he decides thats him.
I don't know when he decided I was no longer what he wanted. Was I ever?
I want these thoughts to go away.
this is the... 4th? 5th? relationship in which i always seem to be the one more invested, more committed, and less appreciated.
I am so tired of being told i'm not enough.
i am so tired of being told i'm not enough.
i am so tired of being told i'm not enough.
i'm enough to boost people's egos and then what? i don't get why people grow so bored of me.
it happens every time and i just don't get it.
I am enough for the right person. I should not be made to feel like i'm not enough.
or that i'm too much. and not enough. at the same time.
i am just enough for the right person and i really hope he decides thats him.
I don't know when he decided I was no longer what he wanted. Was I ever?
I want these thoughts to go away.
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
can't sleep round 2
well, i'm at my moms.
can't sleep; naturally.
and i don't think its so much from stress, as last night was, but more so that i'm use to having someone beside me.. and i'm use to a bigger and softer bed.
so... while i do miss jimmie... i don't mind the time to myself.
its the change of sleeping arrangments that has me.
and yeah. i miss jimmie.
but i also havnt had this level of kitty cuddles in quite a while.
*edit
That dog.
That dog is the biggest reason I got almost no sleep.
I feel bad for him. I really do.
But FUCK.
can't sleep; naturally.
and i don't think its so much from stress, as last night was, but more so that i'm use to having someone beside me.. and i'm use to a bigger and softer bed.
so... while i do miss jimmie... i don't mind the time to myself.
its the change of sleeping arrangments that has me.
and yeah. i miss jimmie.
but i also havnt had this level of kitty cuddles in quite a while.
*edit
That dog.
That dog is the biggest reason I got almost no sleep.
I feel bad for him. I really do.
But FUCK.
Monday, May 13, 2019
Can’t sleep
Ive decided.
He needs time to reflect on what he wants without me there influencing him.
What if he doesn’t miss me when I’m gone?
What if he finds he likes not having me there?
What if he decides not to move forward with me?
I’m going to be heartbroken.
I’m going to try my hardest to make it work with him living separately. I’m not going to just give in because of an obstacle. If we have to start over then we start over.
I just don’t want to start over with someone else.
I want him. I want to be with him. The thought of leaving feeling like this, if only for a week, makes me want to cry and upsets me to the point where I can’t eat.
But I also deserve to be with somone who doesn’t think I’m too much. Who doesn’t think that I’m not enough. Who doesn’t base the most controversial issue in a relationship on appearances.
So this little break is needed. For him to figure out what he wants and how much I’m worth to him. And for me too, to remind myself what I’m worth.
... but I am so scared. There is a real possibility that he may figure out that he’s just not invested in this relationship the way he thought he was. Or that maybe it all really is too much.
He could decide to live separately from me but he could also decide to just end our relationship with the lease.
I can’t read him. I can’t tell what he genuinely wants.
I just want him happy. And I want to be happy.
But I won’t compromise on myself to keep him.
But gods above I don’t want to lose him.
Tomorrow I leave so that he can think and reflect.
For however long it takes for him to figure out what he wants in terms of us and our relationship.
Could be for two days, could be for a week.
Tomorrow the waiting begins.
I don’t want tomorrow to come.
Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep
He needs time to reflect on what he wants without me there influencing him.
What if he doesn’t miss me when I’m gone?
What if he finds he likes not having me there?
What if he decides not to move forward with me?
I’m going to be heartbroken.
I’m going to try my hardest to make it work with him living separately. I’m not going to just give in because of an obstacle. If we have to start over then we start over.
I just don’t want to start over with someone else.
I want him. I want to be with him. The thought of leaving feeling like this, if only for a week, makes me want to cry and upsets me to the point where I can’t eat.
But I also deserve to be with somone who doesn’t think I’m too much. Who doesn’t think that I’m not enough. Who doesn’t base the most controversial issue in a relationship on appearances.
So this little break is needed. For him to figure out what he wants and how much I’m worth to him. And for me too, to remind myself what I’m worth.
... but I am so scared. There is a real possibility that he may figure out that he’s just not invested in this relationship the way he thought he was. Or that maybe it all really is too much.
He could decide to live separately from me but he could also decide to just end our relationship with the lease.
I can’t read him. I can’t tell what he genuinely wants.
I just want him happy. And I want to be happy.
But I won’t compromise on myself to keep him.
But gods above I don’t want to lose him.
Tomorrow I leave so that he can think and reflect.
For however long it takes for him to figure out what he wants in terms of us and our relationship.
Could be for two days, could be for a week.
Tomorrow the waiting begins.
I don’t want tomorrow to come.
Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Note to write
things to reflect on while I’m gone:
- do you want this relationship to continue despite it being monogamous?
- do you want this relationship to continue despite my inability to fit the “perfection” mold?
- are you content to continue this relationship with me, as I am. No more pressures to be one way or another?
Keep in mind most of our ups and downs have been caused by external influences; like influences from roommates, medication changes, and drug mishaps.
- you regret dating me so soon.
- you regret moving in together so soon (despite having roommates)
- you havnt been ready so far in the relationship. Do you feel ready to move in and have it just be the two of us? Are you ready to move the relationship into the next stage?
If yes: then when the lease ends we get a two bedroom place with just you and me. We finally start our lives together.
If no:
- continue the relationship as is but live separately.
- discontinue the relationship because you feel we just don’t work as a couple and can’t make each other happy.
You know my feelings and I hope that you seriously reflect on your own so that you make the decision that is best for you.
torn...
logically moving out would make the most sense. I would solve all the problems brought up yesterday. Would give him the space he wants/needs. allow him to decide when hes ready to actually live together. Would put the ball in his court and let things go at the pace he needs, since mine is too fast.
but part of me thinks/knows... If i move out I might as well say goodbye to him. I don't want to lose him and what we have.
i'm honestly fucking torn. Its a rock and a hard place and I don't know which to settle on.
but part of me thinks/knows... If i move out I might as well say goodbye to him. I don't want to lose him and what we have.
i'm honestly fucking torn. Its a rock and a hard place and I don't know which to settle on.
to reference later
- Eastern Property Man
- http://easternpm.com/rentals/gables-east - 1 bedroom: ask about all inclusive (probable like 650). flexible lease terms, rent washer and dryer (or laundry at moms)
- http://easternpm.com/rentals/dockside-duplexes - its 315 per bedroom... but thats still not bad. i could lock the cats in my room at night, wouldn't be the first time and at least i'd get cuddles. allows 6 month leases!
- http://easternpm.com/rentals/ivy-court - 425, flexible lease length
- Connelly Property Manegment
- http://connellync.com/2903-e-fifth-street-greenville-nc-27858/ - brookside east
- http://connellync.com/801-peed-dr-greenville-nc-27834-2/ - summerfield
- http://connellync.com/1092-cheyenne-ct-greenville-nc-27858/ - cheyenne court
- Wainwright
- gladioulus - 440
- Brookridge - if with a roommate
- Russel Property Manegment
- Rent by the bedroom...
- https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/170303983889922/ - 315!
- https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/717993811891319/ - 350 avail. december
- https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/2070458139716533/ - Leon!! - 300
- https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/296268834337378/ - 350
If I find a roommate more options are available.
backwards
I didn't think that relationships were ment to move backwards but... to each their own pace I guess.
I saw the next stage of my relationship with jimmie being us getting our own place, just me and him. Starting our life together. The idea of which has gotten me through the past several months and helped me to hold my tongue on a lot of shit.
but apparently thats not what he wants. He's content to keep roommates until he graduates with his bachelors... hopefully no longer than that.
He doesn't want to have a place that is just the two of us.. which to me says he doesn't feel as committed to the relationship. He's not ready. so... we move backwards.
Everything happened too quickly for him. we moved in together too quickly and apparently the idea of having a place together after almost 2 years together is too fast also. So.
now what?
stay in this awkward situation where I want it to be the two of us and he doesn't?
or
I move out when the lease ends. I look for a place I can afford on my own ( most likely will have to rent a room or find a random roommate and get another apartment) and when he feels like he is ACTUALLY ready for us to live together we try again.
because we are OBVIOUSLY at different points in how we feel about the relationship.
which hurts, i'm not gonna lie.
But i'm trying to think with logic and reason and not let my emotions get the best of me.
holy shit i'm back at square one and time is ticking. I know what i'm going to be doing for the next several weeks.
I saw the next stage of my relationship with jimmie being us getting our own place, just me and him. Starting our life together. The idea of which has gotten me through the past several months and helped me to hold my tongue on a lot of shit.
but apparently thats not what he wants. He's content to keep roommates until he graduates with his bachelors... hopefully no longer than that.
He doesn't want to have a place that is just the two of us.. which to me says he doesn't feel as committed to the relationship. He's not ready. so... we move backwards.
Everything happened too quickly for him. we moved in together too quickly and apparently the idea of having a place together after almost 2 years together is too fast also. So.
now what?
stay in this awkward situation where I want it to be the two of us and he doesn't?
or
I move out when the lease ends. I look for a place I can afford on my own ( most likely will have to rent a room or find a random roommate and get another apartment) and when he feels like he is ACTUALLY ready for us to live together we try again.
because we are OBVIOUSLY at different points in how we feel about the relationship.
which hurts, i'm not gonna lie.
But i'm trying to think with logic and reason and not let my emotions get the best of me.
holy shit i'm back at square one and time is ticking. I know what i'm going to be doing for the next several weeks.
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
Beltane
So it’s beltane.
My second year out on my own and I still don’t get to celebrate it.
I want to dance to pagan music around a bonfire.
I want to get drunk and walk the greenway, feeling the veil between worlds all but disappear. I can smell the world of the fae.
I want to celebrate (a few other ways)
But I am distinctly reminded that I am alone.
I have no group to hold festivities.
I have no waking companions to experience the veil shifts with.
I really suck as a solitary pagan.
One day I’m going to hold a beltane celebration that will be fucking awesome.
One day.
My second year out on my own and I still don’t get to celebrate it.
I want to dance to pagan music around a bonfire.
I want to get drunk and walk the greenway, feeling the veil between worlds all but disappear. I can smell the world of the fae.
I want to celebrate (a few other ways)
But I am distinctly reminded that I am alone.
I have no group to hold festivities.
I have no waking companions to experience the veil shifts with.
I really suck as a solitary pagan.
One day I’m going to hold a beltane celebration that will be fucking awesome.
One day.
Frustrated
So... I’m not sexually frustrated.
I’m frustrated and it involves lack of sex but it’s nothing to do with sex drive or feeling “horny” and unsatisfied.
I’m frustrated because sex provides a variety of benefits and I could really stand to use them.
I get it, bad mushroom trip fucked with his head and he lost his sense of sexual attraction and desire. As someone who also lacks sexual attraction: I get it.
But I’m also tired of the insomniac episodes.
I could really stand to gain some of the happy neurotransmitter and I’m not going to list the other psychological benefits.
I’m so tense I feel like I’m made of hard lead.
I’m cramping.
I’m tired of having nightmares and unrestful sleep.
I’m tired of feeling disconnected from my boyfriend.
And frankly: I’m bored and sex is a decent way to pass the time.
Sex isn’t a primal need for me.
It’s a learned habit that I’ve grown accustomed to...and learning to break a habit is not always pleasant. Not to mention it’s frustrating to have something with a loved one and then out of nowhere it’s just gone. Feels like there’s just this hole between us.
It’s not his fault...
I’m just so very tired.
And frustrated.
And probably need sleeping pills.
I’m frustrated and it involves lack of sex but it’s nothing to do with sex drive or feeling “horny” and unsatisfied.
I’m frustrated because sex provides a variety of benefits and I could really stand to use them.
I get it, bad mushroom trip fucked with his head and he lost his sense of sexual attraction and desire. As someone who also lacks sexual attraction: I get it.
But I’m also tired of the insomniac episodes.
I could really stand to gain some of the happy neurotransmitter and I’m not going to list the other psychological benefits.
I’m so tense I feel like I’m made of hard lead.
I’m cramping.
I’m tired of having nightmares and unrestful sleep.
I’m tired of feeling disconnected from my boyfriend.
And frankly: I’m bored and sex is a decent way to pass the time.
Sex isn’t a primal need for me.
It’s a learned habit that I’ve grown accustomed to...and learning to break a habit is not always pleasant. Not to mention it’s frustrating to have something with a loved one and then out of nowhere it’s just gone. Feels like there’s just this hole between us.
It’s not his fault...
I’m just so very tired.
And frustrated.
And probably need sleeping pills.
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