Can’t sleep

Ive decided.

He needs time to reflect on what he wants without me there influencing him.

What if he doesn’t miss me when I’m gone?
What if he finds he likes not having me there?
What if he decides not to move forward with me?

I’m going to be heartbroken.

I’m going to try my hardest to make it work with him living separately. I’m not going to just give in because of an obstacle. If we have to start over then we start over.

I just don’t want to start over with someone else.

I want him. I want to be with him. The thought of leaving feeling like this, if only for a week, makes me want to cry and upsets me to the point where I can’t eat.

But I also deserve to be with somone who doesn’t think I’m too much. Who doesn’t think that I’m not enough. Who doesn’t base the most controversial issue in a relationship on appearances.

So this little break is needed. For him to figure out what he wants and how much I’m worth to him. And for me too, to remind myself what I’m worth.

... but I am so scared. There is a real possibility that he may figure out that he’s just not invested in this relationship the way he thought he was. Or that maybe it all really is too much.

He could decide to live separately from me but he could also decide to just end our relationship with the lease.

I can’t read him. I can’t tell what he genuinely wants.

I just want him happy. And I want to be happy.

But I won’t compromise on myself to keep him.
But gods above I don’t want to lose him.


Tomorrow I leave so that he can think and reflect.
For however long it takes for him to figure out what he wants in terms of us and our relationship.
Could be for two days, could be for a week.

Tomorrow the waiting begins.
I don’t want tomorrow to come.

Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep