happy holidays

 Christmas was hard. 

I realized just how alone I was for the holidays and I was filled with an intense sense of homesickness and missing my mom. I did see Amy and Aaron for a brief walk, and Viking Man came over to watch a movie and have dinner... but for 90% of the day I was alone and crying. Triggered a depressive episode that I am still dealing with. 

I don't think New Years is going to bother me as much. 

Valentine's day is in the air because I'll either see about finding some single's parties, go out with Cara, or go stay with Dalton that weekend because he is renting out a cabin for his birthday. 

There really aren't any big holidays that we made a big deal about at home other than halloween,  thanksgiving, and christmas. So hopefully I won't have a hard time for a while. 

I did get to spend the solstice with a friend; had drinks, dinner, and watched my favorite movie. Nothing special or festive, but at least I wasn't alone. 

I hope anyone reading this enjoyed their holidays more than me. 

depressive epsiode

This depressive episode is destroying me.

Already, I had been really tired, almost permanently so; and now there's a depressed tiredness on top of that. 

I both want company and don't want to be around people... which is weird considering how much I wanted to be around people all last week up to when the episode started on christmas. 

Being so depressed on the 25, going on the putt putt date despite not really feeling up for it, trying to placate Xander, and then D&D when I really didn't have the energy for it... then I played a 1 on 1 campaign and pulled an all nighter. 

I am so utterly exhausted... and I just have no patience for people. All I want to do is curl up and sleep, or curl up and just exist with my certain few folks who do not count as "people". And there are others who want my time and energy but I just don't have it in me to give it. 

James wants to come down here for a visit. His visits are always a little awkward and I just don't have the spoons to deal with it. Viking Man's kids are coming to town and want to see me even though we're broken up - I am excited for that!!!!! but its also going to be a huge drain on me. The guy I played putt putt with is blowing up my phone and I barley have the energy to open it and reply, much less have a full conversation with him or hang out with him again (something I am on the fence about anyway). 

I'm just so tired bruh. 

comfort

Okay 1.5 hours to go and The world has mostly stabilized but my energy is at 5%.  

 I really want to get some pho.... I feel like magic healing vietnamese soup is what I am craving... and I know if I order it to go, they will separate the noodles from the broth so I can eat it in smaller portions. 

I should be able to get 2/3 meals out of the $14 dollars spent. Question is... do I want to drive over there or do I spend the $5 to have it delivered? 

 Warm noodle soup. Anime. Maybe The Mummy.. Weighted Blanket. Cats. Hot/cold tea. 

That is all I want and can think of. Comfort and Rest.  

 Although I need to get the stuff for the stew I'm gonna make friday. I'll be feeding me, Viking man, maybe Cara, and Maybe VM's sister. 

I've got all that I need to make the hot cocoa, and I've got coffee as a base for cara's since she can't do milk.  

 Maybe I'll do a face mask to help my acne tonight too.  

alive

I'm alive. 

I am so off. 

I woke up this morning dizzy and so sick to my stomach that I thought I would vomit if I sat up. 

Came into work 2 hours late. Now all I want to do is go back  home and crawl in bed. 

When I walk it feels like my bones are hollow and held together with string, like a puppet. 

If I don't have something specific to focus on, I get the spins. It's like there is a whirly-gig filter put on the world. 

I've got a mild headache brewing. 

I just want some hot soup and to curl up and sleep. 

only 5 more hours to go. 

Out West

Okay, so I know I want to leave NC in 2022. 

I was thinking Tacoma, WA but I am concerned about the weather and my dependence on sunlight. I mean, the worst case scenario is I move out there and hate it, sell everything, and come back to NC to regroup. It's not like I am going to be buying a house. 

So. Its time to redo my state comparison, Look into average temperatures, and do a better research job to consider where I might move. 

I found a more reliable website for cost of living and living wage calculations.... and i am quite surprised. I could actually afford to move to almost any state... based off the living wage needed for a single working adult with no children. like... even california is do-able as long as it's just me. 

https://livingwage.mit.edu/

I then have the low/average salary for 3 different possible jobs I may have. 

I have whether it's a red or blue state. 

I have average temperatures for summer and winter. 

using that I whittled a few states out. 

then I took this quiz:

http://www.selectsmart.com/states/#mystate

and compared it to the state sleft after I gathered my data.

Washington (97%) - Tacoma Area 
Oregon (95%)
California (91%) --->  Sacramento Area (Woodland, Davis, Fairfield, Vacaville, Yuba City)

-------------------------

For Comparison: gvill: rent: 799, B+ niche, liberal, 91-93,000 - lots of parks

(Apex = 53,000 Jacksonville = 70,000 Gville = 93,000)

Yuba - rent:987, moderate , A+ niche , Jacksonville Size - lots of parks

Woodland - rent:1139 , liberal, B- niche , Apex size - lots of parks ****

Davis - rent: 1455, Liberal,  A+ niche, Jacksonville Size - lots of coffee shops and parks***

Fairfield - rent:1510, Liberal, B- niche, little bigger than Greenville - lots of parks

Vacaville - rent:1557, liberal, B niche, about the size of greenville -  lots of parks

Bruh. I didn't think it would be... but California is actually super doable.... I chose Washington because I didn't think I could do California. 

Washington and California are even for me... one will have dreaded low temperature and the other will have dreaded high temperatures. Both will have rain, although California will have more sun....

I would rather sweat than shiver plus I can go swimming in nearby rivers, lakes, and creeks. Or pay the tolls and drive the 2 hours to the coast. 

I might move to California. 

---------------------------

Virginia (87%)
South Carolina (82%)
Texas (80%)
Florida (72%)

Vertigo

Vertigo

Okay so I decided that I would blog more often... I figured I should wait until I have more answers, but why not... here goes:

I learned something yesterday.

So.... I get vertigo. like often.... i'm talking 3 times a week minimum. 

Usually it's mild and lasts less than an hour, so I don't really think anything of it. 

If it lasts less than 30 minutes I oftentimes won't even remember it happened, I've become so used to it. 

well. apparently.... that's not normal?

Over the past week at least, my vertigo has been flaring up. Like... on a scale of 1-10 with the strength of the dizziness It usually stays 1-3 most days, sometimes a 4. Last week I had 4's, a 5, and sunday night I was at a 7 which kept me in bed.  Anything over a 5 is very rare. At 8 I shouldn't drive, I need help walking just because I'm so dizzy. 

The highest I have ever been is like an 8.

so. 

Vertigo.

80% of causes have to do with the inner ear or fluid buildup in the ear. Inner ear issues present in physical balance issues, eye movement, pressure or fullness in the ears, and possible hearing issues. I have none of these. 

There is no fluid buildup in my ears - which is what happened the last time I went to the doctor about my vertigo. 

My ears are fine. 

Which means if my blood work for lyme disease, and rocky mountain fever come back negative.... which they will... I will need to get a brain scan. While 80% of vertigo issues involve the ears... the other 20% involve something neurological. However! Like with my heart palpitations, sometimes it happens and no cause can be found.

Chances are this is more likely. Wouldn't be the first time I had a fluke health issue and it probably won't be the last. 

but. I am glad I went to the doctor. Right before the levl 7 episode hit one of my host of friends sent an oracle card warning about focusing on health.. and then about 10 minutes after the reading the vertigo started. An episode started yesterday around 8:45am and didn't fully end until I went to sleep. It has resumed this morning. 

While this has been the longest episode I've had, it is MILD. while it does make me feel motion sick. experience a tilting sensation, and adding an uncomfortable pressure to my head - I can easily function through it. 

I can function through 90% of my vertigo episodes... which is why I didn't think anything of them.

and now i'm not sure what to do. 

There's no point in worrying until I have a specific reason to worry. But I'm ready for this episode to end because I'm tired of being uncomfortable. It lasted ALL of yesterday... Hot drinks provide comfort for a short while but the only thing that helped it for more than a minute was when I smoked the CBD plant. 

Thankfully Anna got me plenty of it for a housewarming present. I'll smoke some when I get off work, since it's at Viking Man's place. 

lonely.

okay..... I wasn't really feeling like getting high and watching cartoons with Ash (the girl I went on the date with), so I canceled. Viking man was supposed to come by with the puppy but I think he's gonna bail on me. Oh well. I mean kinda disappointed, but I did see him saturday and briefly sunday morning. I'll probably see him friday? Maybe? Idk. He said he would let me know whenever he went to the bar but he went out with the puppy yesterday and didn't say anything. 

*long sigh* i'm not going to be left in limbo wondering if he's gonna show or not. might as well ask him if he actually still wants to come over. 

I mean I'll ask him after I clean and shower.. probably while I cook. That way I will know to either plate it or pack it. He seemed unsure if he would be over for dinner or what time he wanted to come over. But I also know if I wait too late he'll be comfy and not come over either. Though, I suppose I could always go over there if thats the case. 

I just miss his company, ya know?

Update - December~

 I have moved!

I haven't really spent a whole day by myself yet, but that's okay. I like being able to be closer to friends which means I can see them more. 

I'm still figuring out the temperature for my apartment, the base board heating settings seem to jump from barely putting out heat to SAUNA, so it's been interesting. 

My neighbor is a really quiet older asian lady. 

Oh and I turned 25. 

At the moment, life seems to be quieting down which I am FINE with. 

Viking man got his puppy and she is delightful. He and I seem to be doing good. 

Oh - I cut Chandler out of my life because she's a sexual predator. I don't know if i ever even blogged about her over the past 4 months she stayed with me. Also lesson learned: people can and will abuse my hospitality. I need to learn a balance as to how much to give before I am being taken advantage of. 

But i'm not dead. I know I need to start blogging more regularly again. 

do-over

 The date went well I think.

She shared her edibles with me and they took 2 hours to hit,(she gave them to me at the beginning of the movie and they didn't hit till I sat down at the restaurant afterwards)... but when they did. I should not have taken 2. 

I got too high too quickly and had a bad trip, which made communication really hard and we didn't talk that much after the movie. 

but she seemed to understand and I don't think it would prevent a second meet up. 

I declare a do-over!

trying my hand at casual dating????

 Checking in

I'm not dead. 

I'm moving into my new place in a week!

I may or may not have a date/meet up? With a familiar name.... Ash W. Way back in highschool I almost stole her from her bf. We had a flirtationship for a few weeks and whether or not I end up seeing her more often or not... its still nice to have someone to flirt with right now. Pleasant distraction. 

Also notes for myself about "casual dating" as I begin to understand what that means...

1. Communication is key - state your intentions right away... makes sense. 

2. Set boundaries and keep them - this is a way to keep it casual... not seeing them more than ___ many times a week,  etc.... makes sense. 

3. See multiple people -... Idk about this one. especially if things are physical? like... um..

4. "Know your worth" - this one is a means to deal with jealousy I think? I don't get this one tbh. 

5. Keep it off social media - okay yeah i get this one. no point in posting people if its just casual. 

6. Be on the same page (especially about sex) - *ptseradactyl screech*

7. don't chat often - this rule says only reach out when you want to make plans; don't send good morning or good night texts or chat about your day; "thats when it turns into friends with benefits"... ... ... ... huh?

8. Steer clear of anyone from work or school - ... totally. That could get messy. 

9. Check ins - periodically check in to make sure no one is catching feelings - ... this is also one i'm nervous about. 

10. Communication about other partners... the level of info shared is up to you.  - yeah idk how much info I want to share or have shared with me other than if they are not practicing safe sex. 

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a6445/frustrating-things-casual-dating/

here's another one

"Generally speaking, casual dating describes:

- something more defined than “friends with benefits” or hookups
- connections that involve some degree of emotional attachment
- situations that lack relationship labels
- attachments you pursue for fun, not commitment"

well that negates the first article's #7 rule right?

So whats the difference between casually dating someone and casual sex?

 "Unlike FWB and hookup situations, casual dating generally operates with relationship-like parameters, even if they’re loosely defined.

People who are casually dating typically:

- say “dates,” not “hangouts” or “chilling”
- text or call each other fairly regularly
- make firm plans and communicate when you need to cancel
- enjoy spending nonsexual time together

Sure, you might have sex. For many people, that’s part of the fun of casual dating. But you can certainly date without sex."

okay so THIS lines up with how i thought casual dating was... but this completely goes against the first article. 

I like this article much better... it provides more information, more depth to the information provided, and answers more questions. 

https://www.healthline.com/health/casual-dating

okay so in my mind.... there are 3 different "casual" areas/classifications..I think?

- Fuck Buddy/ FB: someone with no emotional attachment, someone you only hook up with and thats it (thats not for me fam)

- Friends with Benefits/ fwb: an actual friendship that can involve physical intimacy of varying levels

- casual dating: light hearted emotional attachment that is romantic in nature but not for a long term or serious commitment.. usually non monogamous. involves varying degrees of emotional and physical intimacy. 

FB = not for me, nah nah nah. 

fwb = Viking Man. maybe: Kasey? Chandler? 

casual dating: ... Ash W? Kasey? 

lord idk. 

is it okay to talk often and send sweet messages? not okay? Its just flirting right?

LAWWWWWD

I just want to be able to find someone I can hang out with flirtatiously, get kisses and active cuddles, but also enjoy hanging out with and bringing them around my friends. Without the expectation of being totally in love and envisioning a future together. 

Poem for Lilith 1

 Lilith, 

Oh goddess of golden light

red and pink surrounds you

tender and wild

personified freedom. 

Lilith, 

I call out to you from this plane,

words never seem to be enough

I wish to be like you,

I yearn for freedom. 

Lilith,

I have felt the stirrings within,

but now I realize my cage.

The anger that comes,

Is that part of freedom?

Lilith, 

Oh goddess of golden light,

I feel the strength you are teaching me,

our journey just begun...

teach me of freedom. 

Lilith,

Red and Pink surrounds you,

Help me shed the chains that down me,

so my magic may rise,

alive with freedom. 

Lilith, 

Feral and Free Mother, 

I thank you for the gifts you bestow,

i know there is more to come, 

growth through freedom. 

Lilith, 

I yet know so little,

there is much still for me to learn

lend me your patience firm mother,

so that I may live in freedom. 

New Apartment Viewing

 So I saw my apartment yesterday. 

it is a LOT better than I was expecting. 

Its newly refurbished... black countertops and appliances INCLUDING A MICROWAVE AND DISHWASHER. Lots of counter space! All dark cabinets, although there is limited cabinet space so a pantry is a must.  

Dark wood flooring everywhere except for the bedroom. The Bedroom is small, but doable. A twin would provide the most space but I refuse to go back to that small of a bed. My boss is giving me his spare full bed and frame, so that is exciting and expenses I don't have to worry about! 

There is a window untit and baseboard heating... but the window unit is HUGE and would have NO trouble cooling down such a small apartment.. plus there are ceiling fans in both living room and the bedroom... add that with a dehumidifier and its going to be easy peasy to keep cool in the summer. Add a humidifier for the winter time. 

I'm going to leave my headboard for Chandler to use or get rid of at her leisure. It's big and bulky, and no longer serves me... especially if I'm going to be getting more bookshelves. 

I've gotten a bed and frame secured. I've got a coffee table secured and at least one little end table. I'm about to have a dresser secured. Madison said something about giving me some external hanging racks for my clothes. 

I think that I will keep Lilith in my bedroom... If I get a night stand with a drawer I can make that My sex drawer/lingerie... and Honestly.. I feel like if I put my most used toys on her alter then when I use them it would be done as an offering to her? Maybe I can get a small red chest and keep that on the top of the dresser?

Also for the living room....

I think I want to have a display case for all my masks. I think perhaps i will dedicate a mask to each deity too...Leave it on their altar. (This is dual purposed...1 - if I want to embody that deity I can put on the mask that will hopefully take on their energy...and 2 - should also reduce the number of masks I have to fit on the display case)

I'll have my altars on a big bookshelf... Demeter and Cernunnos are on one shelf. Maeve on one shelf. Aine on one shelf. Ancestors on one shelf.Brigid in the Kitchen. I think Kuan Yin will have a place next to the ancestors. Bast and Thoth I think I will put on top of the small bookshelf. I'll Move all my Jars and stuff to the kitchen, and see if I can fit the books that were on the headboard on that shelf? Might need to reduce my books a bit. 

Might not have to get some shelving for a pantry... I re-looked over the cabinet space and there's a section I could use as a pantry. Maybe. Its kind of small and I will have to climb on the counter to get it. 

I'll hang the Bast Tapestry on the wall in the kitchen. Then hang my fan over the couch With a standing Lamp that uses a magenta LED light? Put the Astrology tapestry behind the TV.  Have the movie displays beside the TV and then in the Corner have the cat litter plant?

Things still need to get:

Furniture:

- bedroom night stand --> Pick up next week (free)

- Plant Catlitter box --> Amazon $50

- dresser --> picking up tomorrow $50

- Display case for masks --> $85

- 2 DVD things from amazon ---> not a priority. $15 each

- Large bookshelf --> Walmart or Sam's Club $50

- Shoe Rack by the front door to hold all of my shoes (need to go through my shoes)

- Desk? Maybe?

-Curtains - Amazon $30

- Outside storage container - $150

- Small Stone Table/Birdbath for faerie altar outside? 

- Garden Box?as a faerie altar?

Household Items

- Welcome Mat - Amazon : Speak friend and enter

- Laundry Detergent and dryer sheets 

- Pink Weighted Blanket

- Hand Soaps

- bathroom mat (in tub and out)

- Shower Curtain (waterproof cloth one) 

- Silverware and Knife set 

- Cooking Spoons and Spatulas 

- Wine opener

- dishwasher pods - need right away

- TACKS!! - need right away

- Scissors! - need right away

- Paper Towels - need right away

- Toilet Paper - need right away

-  water filter pitcher - need right away

- cleaning supplies (windex, bathroom cleaner, broom)

- tub stopper if I want a bath

- electric kettle

- Pan Holders/Oven Mitts 

hungry

 I'm getting hungry.

Not physically hungry, although that's something that should worry me.. 

energetically hungry. 

Its been just over 2 weeks since the breakup and I don't have an energy source to feed from now. I don't want sex itself... I want the energy it brings. I want to feed (as cringe as that sounds). 

The idea of feeding on a stranger makes me cringe because

1) we are in a pandemic and I can't go around kissing strangers

2) I... don't want to kiss a stranger. 

3) Its not easy finding a vibe I actually enjoy enough to want to feed on it. 

Struggles of an energy vamp. 

Lilith

 Lilith

Okay so. I hadn't blogged about this because I wanted to be sure. 

So towards the end of my 7 week focus with brigid, she indicated that my next step was to embrace the wild/feral part of myself that I have under lock and key. Whenever I would ask for details about it I got cards about sexual freedom and deep spiritual change. What was holding me back? The devil tarot card.... attachment. 

I couldn't move forward because I was happy in my relationship. I was okay with putting it to the side. She was not. 

There was also the issue of who she said would guide me through my next spiritual cycle... Lilith.  I do not know what to do with freedom, to an extent it scares me. There was so much about what was hinted would unfold with her that I was intimidated.

 1) There are super heavy sex associations and it had been made clear to me that I was suppose to take on almost a "man-eater" persona. That scared me. 

2) Many people consider her a closed practice, (from her jewish associations) and I didnt want to cross any cultural lines. 

3) Solitude and Shadow Work. Real deep devoted shadow work. 

1) I am no longer in that relationship (*cries*) but I am thoroughly confused and doubtful about  the sex part. Being ace I don't really see the point of having sex outside of a relationship. however Lilith has pretty much said that its not something I'm going to just jump into aor be thrown in. Last night I talked to her about it. She told me my first step was to learn myself, and not to focus on the sexual aspects for now. (cross that bridge when we get there). But... last night she sent me a dream, to kind of show me the situations that could lead to casual sex while also not being scary or intimidating. She showed me how it could happen organically. It was reassuring.

2) I received explicit permission through a very intense card reading and spiritual messages. The key factor being, I could reach out to her... but she might not have reached back out. Well... she did. I was surprised with how clear she came through too... and she willingly spoke to me through my cards as well. 

3) This isn't going to be a fast process. I don't have to have all the answers. But she's willing to help me. The first step of freedom is getting to know myself again... gain a direction I really want to go into in life. My time of being a kid in her home town is going to end soon. I need to figure out where I want to fly to when I leave the nest. Step 1: self discovery and being okay with being alone. (while I am totally fine with being alone and the idea of being single for a while, I do struggle with loneliness. This will give me a refresher course on being alone seing as I han't been single long term in 3 years.)

(on another note Lilith doesn't feel anything like what I was expecting. I was expecting cold and controlled like Maeve... but she's not. Shes VASTLY approachable. she's almost like if Maeve and Aine combined.)

I see her as an iridescent silver snake. I have had that image in my mind since i decided I would start to work with her. Lo and behold... when I opened the package that held the Lilith book... there was a silver snake with the pink lotus flower as her imagery. This feels right.

Shes not my patron by any means, but she is for sure my teacher and the teacher I need at this time in my life.  

Lilith guide me. Like a snake let me shed the skin of who I was and emerge a new being. Stronger, kinder, more impassioned, and more sure of who and what she is. May I emerge fresh and with purpose. 

Making Moves. Once Again.

 I have put down the application for the place i'm trying to move. 

If I get approved then I will be close enough to walk to work on nice days. 

Looking at some official numbers

1500

-------------

- 475 rent

- 270 car payment and insurance 

- 50 phone

-100 student loans (might be able to finagle?) 

-60 credit card 

-30 cats

-30 gas

- 65 health ins

- 70 utilities (i do laundry once every 2 weeks.. hardly ever turn on lights) 

- 40 internet --> Suddenlink

- 100 savings

- 15 gym --> this is detrimental to my health. 

- 100 (misc. household, clothes, etc)

-----------------------------

95 for food a month. 

Deplete savings at move in. 

Pay off credit card and reimburse savings with financial aid in January. 

Put groceries on credit card and try to pay at least $75 a month on it. 

- FOOD BANKS

- MUST apply for EBT... I really do think I just barley qualify... even if its like $50 it would really help me a lot. 

Pre-Hermit

 So. Instead of chandler taking his room and making him move out... I'm going to live on my own. There are a lot of reasons to do this. Money will be REALLY FUCKING tight. But I will find a way to make it work. See if I can qualify for EBT... go to foodbanks on Saturday or Sunday mornings. But I have been craving my own space, and wanting to get away from paramount anyway. I'll be so close to work that I could walk to work in the mornings (although crossing the street is going to be hard). 

This way Chandler can stay living with him, hes not alone without any support... and I know they really do get along with each other. She'll be happier living with him than living with me. Besides... I think I really need to take some time to myself after all this. I jumped right into a relationship after Jimmie and never took the time to myself. I don't want to do that again. Even just sharing a living space.. I want somewhere that is mine and just mine. 

Somewhere I can bring people in when I want and then be alone when I want. Somewhere I can heal and grow and then emerge when I'm ready. I want it to be just me and my cats again. Go out and see people... have people come see me. But it would be my space. 

These are things I need to acquire... but the things in bold are what I will need right away DAY of move in. 

Deposit: 500 + 150 utilities fee + Suddenlink fees = 800 est. fees alone to move and get internet

 Furniture:

Living Room

Futon/Couch 

- Me: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-Memory-Foam-Futon-Black-Suede/115008300 --> $160 before tax

- Cara: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Serta-Casual-Convertible-Easton-Sofa-Microfiber-Black/957729368?selected=true --> 130 before tax

TV stand - Already have one

Shelving - Headboard already have (books one side, movies the other?)

TV - already have

DVD Player - already have

Desk (for art and computer) - 

Shoe rack (by the door) - 

Coffee Table - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Ktaxon-Lift-Top-Coffee-Table-Modern-Furniture-Hidden-Compartment-and-Lift-Tablet-Black/260520666 ---> $120 before tax

Low seating for game nights/hidden storage for games - 

Mock Plant Cat Litter (and I can throw out the one I currently use)  - https://www.amazon.com/Good-Pet-Stuff-Hidden-Litter/dp/B000MPR2GI/ref=sr_1_1?crid=31HMPAVRKLT8&dchild=1&keywords=plant+hidden+litter+box&qid=1602705726&sprefix=plant+hidden%2Caps%2C138&sr=8-1 --> 50

Lamp?

Curtains 

Kitchen:

- Microwave - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Hamilton-Beach-1-1-Cu-Ft-1000W-Stainless-Steel-Microwave/941582049 ---> $70

- portable dishwasher

- tap water filter

- ice trays

- mini freezer

- plates and cups = target/walmart plastic ones. 

- Silverware and knife set (take the cutting board)  - walmart probably like $30

- Shelving = Pantry - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-4-Door-Storage-Cabinet-Dark-Chocolate/20666620 $110

Bedroom:

- BED AND FRAME (Full) 

      - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-14-High-Profile-Foldable-Steel-Bed-Frame-Powder-coated-Steel-Full/49920622.  --> 65$

     - https://www.samsclub.com/p/sleep-innovations-8-inch-gel-memory-foam-full-mattress/prod21220147?xid=plp_product_2 --> $200

- pet stairs??

- portable closet - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Zimtown-New-Portable-Closet-Large-Storage-Space-Holder-Clothes-Wardrobe-Shoe-Rack-Shelf/901218444 --> $52

- Cheap Dresser (at least a small one for my PJ's, pants, and delicates)

https://www.amazon.com/ODK-Dresser-Drawers-Storage-Organizer/dp/B087T5178D/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=3LTWBK3UVET9H&dchild=1&keywords=dressers+for+bedroom&qid=1602707471&s=home-garden&sprefix=Dresser%2Cgarden%2C156&sr=1-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzNDI1TEM2QldaSzhQJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMjkwNDEyMlpOR1VFN1ZHTFo5TSZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMDUyODE1RVNFNTZQTFNMU1JMJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==  --> $70

- shoe rack

- shelving - https://www.amazon.com/Mainstay-5-Shelf-Standard-Bookcase-Black/dp/B07K85C724/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3UWFGL92ZQLZQ&dchild=1&keywords=bookshelf&qid=1602708626&s=home-garden&sprefix=books%2Cgarden%2C164&sr=1-3 --> $42

- End tables at (least 2) - https://www.amazon.com/Furinno-11157Gyw-Night-Stand-French/dp/B01NBJMHFK/ref=sxin_9?ascsubtag=amzn1.osa.d52b34f0-cc35-43c3-81dd-d46c2f37d2cd.ATVPDKIKX0DER.en_US&creativeASIN=B01NBJMHFK&cv_ct_cx=end+tables&cv_ct_id=amzn1.osa.d52b34f0-cc35-43c3-81dd-d46c2f37d2cd.ATVPDKIKX0DER.en_US&cv_ct_pg=search&cv_ct_wn=osp-single-source-gl-ranking&dchild=1&keywords=end+tables&linkCode=oas&pd_rd_i=B01NBJMHFK&pd_rd_r=80a90915-f219-42fc-b99c-288a8eb6c8c5&pd_rd_w=QFrC0&pd_rd_wg=jds1q&pf_rd_p=26c7e498-3189-4918-a321-ec25e32964ce&pf_rd_r=B1R9FY9MPB90KWKYKW2W&qid=1602708533&s=home-garden&sr=1-2-d9dc7690-f7e1-44eb-ad06-aebbef559a37&tag=tbonsite-20 --> $60

- Colored christmas lights (pink, purple, blue, or gold?) 

- Night stand https://www.walmart.com/ip/Zimtown-Nightstand-with-2-Drawers-Bedside-Furniture-Accent-End-Table-Chest-for-Home/926860720 --> $30

Bathroom:

- shower curtain - 25 amazon

- floormat

Outside:

- Small Storage shed for boxes and stuff  

- Faerie Alter? 

- Garden box? (mint, thyme, rose?) 

Furniture: $999.... 

Small and Misc Stuff: ALL need to be had.

- dish detergent (before I get the dishwasher)

- Scrubby

- Laundry Detergent

- Dryer sheets

- TACKS TACKS TACKS

- scissors

- Tape

- Handsoap

- Toilet Paper!!!!!!

- Paper Towels

- (Wax melt goes in the kitchen)

- Food. Bulk up on food to start. Fill the pantry. 

Alters:

Aine - Bathroom by the mirror

Maeve - bedroom

Brigid - Kitchen

Lilith? - Bedroom on dresser

Soul - Bedroom on Dresser

Kyuan Yin - Living Room

Native Ancestors - Living Room?

Demeter - living Room? Bedroom?

Cernunnos - Living Room? Bedroom?

Where I hope to be moving:

https://wainrightproperties.com/properties/village-quarters/ --> 475 a month. 

other possibilities:

College Park - although I'll either have neighbors above or below me :(  and I would need to get washer and dryer.  

Rivers Edge - https://www.idealpropertymgmtgroup.com/rivers-edge-east-apts

Portable washer/Dryer (this has great reviews... wash once with soap, once without, spin each half of the load twice to dry)

 - https://www.amazon.com/Giantex-Portable-Compact-Washing-Machine/dp/B01ALBMIEI/ref=redir_mobile_desktop?ie=UTF8&aaxitk=UZjHdTD4hXD16aBe5aZSRQ&hsa_cr_id=3035020030601&ref_=sbx_be_s_sparkle_mcd_asin_0

The bare minimum I need is the pantry ($110), the microwave ($70),  the bed (200), the closet ($52), the dresser ($70), and some night tables ($30 x 2) - oh and the plant kitty litter ($50). 

The living room furniture can wait. For now, I can use boxes and my spare blankets to make a makeshift seat xD and a tub as the coffee table. haha. 

Josh's mom may be able to give me some furniture... 

Hermit

 The Hermit.

I need to Retreat... 

I need to retreat. I want to be alone. I want to enter a cocoon and grow so that I can emerge a stronger woman. I want to be able to embolden those around me and intimidate weak men. I want to be seen for my strength and not just my weakness. 

I want to retreat. I want to be alone. 

I could have grown on my own with a partner.. with the RIGHT partner.. but for now I am alone. I am at peace with this. 

I need to care for myself. Spend time for myself. Do things that I enjoy, alone or with friends, but ultimately for myself. I am not afraid. And I am not alone... 

I have brigid by my side. She who guides me and walks with me all of this life. 

I have maeve at my back, reinforcing my strength, waiting for me to take the next step. 

I have Aine in my heart. She reminds me that this pain is temporary, that I have given so much love to others it is time to turn it to myself. When I am ready, another will enter my life. 

I have Demeter, whom I have not forgotten. May she help me grow the seeds I intend to plant. 

And for now.... I have Lilith. She who I do not yet know, but she who will be the catalyst, the inspiration, and the motivation for my transformation. 

I want to throw myself into my work..

I have work books that I plan to get and go through. 

• - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1674923430/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=sl1&tag=emergence333-20&linkId=b940a925c9341564b094e1530a084d40&language=en_US&fbclid=IwAR1r_YmlVuT4GZSCAoUxskFUq5UAmQNUGkKuzFtuszostzFJcMVIIhMOHWU
• - https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Who-You-Are-Transformation/dp/1726635139/ref=pd_sbs_14_1/132-6513599-4394242?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1726635139&pd_rd_r=6d4a27d6-4e70-4998-b6d8-b6d66306970d&pd_rd_w=lJtZ4&pd_rd_wg=umA7o&pf_rd_p=b65ee94e-1282-43fc-a8b1-8bf931f6dfab&pf_rd_r=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2&psc=1&refRID=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2 ^ Might give this to Lexi? Chandler? Invite them over for witchy nights. 
• - https://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Work-Journal-Workbook-Illuminate/dp/1091407843/ref=pd_sbs_14_5/132-6513599-4394242?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1091407843&pd_rd_r=6d4a27d6-4e70-4998-b6d8-b6d66306970d&pd_rd_w=lJtZ4&pd_rd_wg=umA7o&pf_rd_p=b65ee94e-1282-43fc-a8b1-8bf931f6dfab&pf_rd_r=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2&psc=1&refRID=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2

I want to get active again. 

I want to withdraw from the whole of society, just for a time, and emerge a stronger better woman. But this is a change I can only make for myself. I cannot *lean* on others for this. I may invite others to my space as a safe space for healing, but overall this will be a solitary journey - lest a guide manifest to go with me. I will not close off people... but I will not seek them. 

I will go to work 5 days a week. 

I will alternate going to the gym with working in the work books/spiritual growth. 

I will cook and meal prep. 

When school starts, I will factor that into the cycle. 

I am not half of a person... I have not lost a part of myself in this breakup. However I am two halves of a person and its time i bring them together. 

The first step is getting Chandler employed. Then getting me into a place on my own. 

I have gone through the tower, now its time to be the hermit. 

But I can't do that if i'm still living with them. 

Not the one for me... heres why.

Viking Man wasn't the one...Dalton... wasn't the one. 

If you remember, I did a love spell/petitioned a love goddess just before I met Dalton. 

At first glance he seemed to have hit all 5 of my requirements I asked the love goddess for. I received the signs for the "all clear" to date him.  Everything seemed to align. 

But looking at them again... Dalton doesn't fit ANY of the 5 requirements... 

Mandatory traits
1. Nonabusive high emotional intelligence
2. Family oriented
3. Witchy (faerie Witchy preferred - spiritual at the very least)
4. Compatible with emotional needs and lifestyle
5. Relationship geared towards long term autonomous growth

1- he was non abusive... but not with high emotional intelligence. 

2- He HAS a family... a son.. but he himself is not family oriented. 

3- he started out spiritually inclined but gave that up VERY quickly. 

4 - he was not compatible with all of my emotional needs ( a lot of them yes... but some pretty big ones? no) nor was he compatible with my life style. 

5 - this one. This is the ultimate reason we broke up. 

Dalton wasn't the one, but he showed me a more clear vision of what I want. 

I loved how childlike and playful our relationship was. Nothing was ever very serious and he encouraged me to be spiritual.. but he didn't join me. He raised my standards and kept me from going back to jimmie. 

He accomplished what it was he was meant to. But he wasn't the one for me. 

hug

 I want comfort. 

I want to be held by someone who makes me feel safe.

I want to disregard the entire world, and just fall away into a world of soft blankets, pillows, anime, and nature. 

I want to be surrounded by people or surrounded by spirits. 

I want to actually feel loved... not through words, not through physical touch, but through energy. I want to feel the energy of love. 

I want warm broth, with lots of flavors. 

I want to be bundled up in comfort. 

at the very least I need a fucking hug. 

But not a pity hug. Not a hug that is done out of desperation to make me feel better and frustration that they can't. I just want a hug that's got love in it. not sadness.

and you'll never guess the only person who came to mind. 

Begging

I beg my lungs to inflate, 

to fill with air,

to speak your name or scream, 

- that I do not know. 

I beg my heart to keep beating, 

despite wanting to lurch from my chest. 

To run towards you or from you,

- That I do not know. 

I beg my legs to hold me up,

put one foot in front of the other. 

To walk me forward or off a ledge,

- that I do not know. 

What I do know is, 

when you told me all was over,

I got on my hands and knees

and I begged. 

No More Viking Man

 So.... I was never going to break up with him. I was talking big so that I could confront him. 

I didn’t even get anywhere on my list past the wedding when he broke up with me. Last night. He claimed that he was too selfish and emotionally distant to be a decent boyfriend to anyone. 

Today I called him out on that being an excuse. Every person has a core flaw. Mine is dependency. His is selfishness. I was willing and able to accept and love him despite it. You can’t change your core flaw... you can manage and control it but it will always be there. 

So I wanted the real reason. 

And there it was. Same thing as Jimmie. 

“I don’t want to be with you”

“I want to be alone”

And just like that. With two days left till our year mark.

We are officially done. Nail in the coffin. 

Going to try and work it as roommates seeing as our lease doesn’t run up till July. 

I am so tired of investing myself, mind body spirit into someone only to hear the words “I love you but I don’t want to be with you” as soon as I finally let go of my final defenses. 

Re-Evaluating My relationship

 I love Viking Man. 

I can see myself marrying Viking Man. 

I honestly can't see myself or my life without him. 

But. 

I have been through enough disrespect in my past relationships I will not be tolerating any more. 

We were set to go to my grandmother's wedding this weekend. 

it's going to be emotionally taxing. It's going to be a long and exhausting drive. 

I wanted my boyfriend for support. 

Even though he said he didn't want to, he agreed to go. 

Yesterday he tell me there is a chance he could get a puppy (mind you, a puppy that doesn't fit our lifestyle and comes with a whole boatload of issues and could easily rack up over a grand in vet visits a year... but did he look into the breed? no. he likes it because he thinks it is cute) this weekend so he doesn't know if he is going to the wedding. 

If the guy never messages him - he will go to the wedding. 

If the guy says he can get the pup before the wedding - he won't go to the wedding because he doesn't want to get a puppy and leave it right after. for two days. TWO FUCKING DAYS. 

If the guy says he can come see the pup friday or saturday - he's not going to the wedding. 

The disrespect is unreal. 

1) He FINALLY said that he would wait to get a dog until we moved out of this apartment. I allowed myself to relax. Stop stressing. I had time.... Now he's going back on it. 

 --- This is an ongoing trend. He constantly says he will do something and then backs out at the last second. I am getting fed up. 

--- Getting a dog is inconsiderate to our roommates, myself, and our neighbors to say the least. And i told him when we first met that inconsideration was my biggest turn-off/pet peeve. 

2) He is missing possibly his only chance to meet my grandmother. 

3)He has proven once again that my opinion on the dog that he gets doesn't matter - which is incredibly disrespectful and inconsiderate considering I will be living with it too. That or he doesn't expect our relationship to actually last and thus my opinion would be insignificant. So either he's an asshole or he doesn't actually think this relationship will work. 

4) He is choosing the possibility of getting a dog over me. How the hell is that supposed to make me feel. 

5) Ive already told him in the past he HAS to give me time to dog proof my room so the cats have space. Meaning i need to find and set up a super durable baby gate. Can't do that if i'm 8 hours away, alone, at my grandmother's wedding. 

6) EDIT: This is also the second time he has put his wants over me needing him for support. 

I love him but I have had to choose self respect and self love over a partner in the past. 

I am not going to stand for this. 

He can either fucking wait until we are out of the apartment, get a different fucking dog, NOT get it this weekend, or I honestly don't know if I can stay in this relationship - as amazing as it is in other aspects. I will not let myself be treated like a doormat again. Getting a dog is not a small decision and the fact that I get no say in the matter only goes to show he doesn't actually value me as a partner.  

I don't know if I somehow pissed off Oshun when I gave her my thank you offering but this definitely was unexpected. 

and to be clear it is not technically a dog we would be breaking up over, although I wouldn't have moved in with him if he already had one, its the disrespect of the situation. 

Academic Planning MS Tourism and Hospitality

 okay so it has come to my attention that i didn't write out the fact that I switched mjors in school?????

i went looking for the academic blog post about what I have remaining for school so I could plan my next and LAST semester... and realized.... I didn't make it. 

huge ball drop for me, really. So last semester I jumped ship, left the MBA for a new start in the best major ever: Sustainable tourism and Hospitality. 

By doing so I shaved off at least a year and a half of school time AND a class from both my sociology semester and my MBA semester counted towards needed electives.

So This is the course load for the entire degree:

** HOWEVER #3 can be replaced by 2 Options in #2. 

1. Core - 24 s.h.

• HMGT 6310 - Strategic Management of Conventions and Special Events
• HMGT 6400 - Critical Analysis of Food Service and Beverage Management Systems
• HMGT 6410 - Strategic Management of Lodging Operations
• HMGT 6420 - Current Issues and Strategies in Hospitality Management
• SUTO 6000 - Principles of Tourism and Sustainability
• SUTO 6100 - Environmental Systems and Sustainability
• SUTO 6200 - Development and Management of Sustainable Tourism
• SUTO 6300 - Policy and Planning for Sustainable Tourism

2. Elective - 3 s.h.

Choose from the following courses:

• ICS 7007 - Research Design in Marine and Coastal Studies
• ECON 6301 - Econometrics I
• GEOG 6150 - Quantitative Methods in Geography
• OMGT 6123 - Quantitative Methods
• PLAN 6301 - Computer Applications for Planning and Development
• PSYC 6430 - Statistics and Research Design
• RCSC 6110 - Research Methods in Recreation Sciences
• RCSC 6300 - Statistics and Analysis in Health and Human Performance
• SOCI 6212 - Social Statistics and
• SOCI 6213 - Social Statistics Laboratory
• SOCI 6488 - Seminar in Research Methods and Design
• SOCI 6500 - Qualitative Methods

3. Internship or special topics - 3 s.h.

• SUTO 6400 - Sustainable Tourism Internship or
• SUTO 6710 - Special Topics in Sustainable Tourism

Are you ready to see the kicker? 

* GREEN is what I have already FINISHED

* BLUE is for what I am CURRENTLY in. 

* YELLOW is what I need to take. 

1. Core - 24 s.h.

• HMGT 6310 - Strategic Management of Conventions and Special Events - Spring 2020
• HMGT 6400 - Critical Analysis of Food Service and Beverage Management Systems
• HMGT 6410 - Strategic Management of Lodging Operations
• HMGT 6420 - Current Issues and Strategies in Hospitality Management - spring 2020
• SUTO 6000 - Principles of Tourism and Sustainability
• SUTO 6100 - Environmental Systems and Sustainability
• SUTO 6200 - Development and Management of Sustainable Tourism - Spring 2020
• SUTO 6300 - Policy and Planning for Sustainable Tourism

2. Elective - 3 s.h.

Choose from the following courses:

• ICS 7007 - Research Design in Marine and Coastal Studies
• ECON 6301 - Econometrics I
• GEOG 6150 - Quantitative Methods in Geography
• OMGT 6123 - Quantitative Methods - Fall 2019
• PLAN 6301 - Computer Applications for Planning and Development
• PSYC 6430 - Statistics and Research Design
• RCSC 6110 - Research Methods in Recreation Sciences
• RCSC 6300 - Statistics and Analysis in Health and Human Performance
• SOCI 6212 - Social Statistics and
• SOCI 6213 - Social Statistics Laboratory
• SOCI 6488 - Seminar in Research Methods and Design - Spring 2019
• SOCI 6500 - Qualitative Methods

Bruh... I have a SINGLE class left next semester.

Now I plan to take a Graduate level human resources class (MGMT 6832) just to have that fresh in my mind when I graduate and I feel more confident getting an HR job. --- Will not let me take it :(

Do I take a third class (ENGL 7465) to remain a full time student? Or do I bite the bullet and begin to pay back my student loans... ?

Day Dreaming

 okay lets daydream a little bit. 

Clearing land: 5000

Buying and installing septic tank/system: 15000

So to get land ready alone is: 20000. 

A 300,000 House loan estimated for Washington state with 0% down would be about 2100 a month; principle + interest+ mortgage insurance+home insurance+ property tax. Doesn't factor in HOA.

40000x.85=34000/12 = 2800 a month after taxes. 

2800

-150 month car insurance (guestimation)

-200 car payment. 

- 50 (phone should still work?)

- 45 cats

- 100 gas

-150 student loan

- 350 groceries/eating out/coffee

- 100 utilities (split 2 ways)

- 300 health insurance

- 100 savings

--------------------------------

1255 is what I could contribute to the rent/mortgage. 

Dalton could probably contribute more. 

But together we could manage 2100 in mortgage. With Chandler (if she comes with us) we could do even more. 

Now how much could we actually spend on land + manufactured home?

300,000

-20000

----------------

280,000

-100,000 Land

----------------

180,000 for a modular home. (3 bed 2 bath minimum, double vanity)

Lets say 150,000 so that we have wiggle room to transport it, buy appliances, landscaping

**Might have to look for homes in Oregon and transport them....

https://www.thehomesdirect.com/washington/all-manufacturers/3-bedrooms/all-sections/P12?price-from=30000&price-to=155000&sqft-from=1133&sqft-to=3000&bathrooms=2&orderby_sort=home_price%7Casc

not happening.

 I'm Definitely not pregnant. 

My period being so weird made me actually pause and consider the possibility but i'm bleeding again. 

I would argue that this is how I would normally bleed towards the end of my period. So it was a very odd one... but I've had a period. I'm not pregnant. 

And I'm sad. 

The letter that Brigid had me write to my future baby made me realize how much I want to have a child. How much I want to hear a little voice call me "mommy". I already love her/him (pretty sure it's her). For a moment I felt the spirit of my future baby. Strong willed, but spontaneous and playful. I can't wait to meet them. 

That being a mom is a way of serving her. So she made me aware of how much I really do want to be a mom.

As terrifying as it would be to suddenly find myself unexpectedly pregnant, I know that somehow I could make it work. 

I'm sad. But I know that ultimately its for the best; the timing wouldn't have been right anyway. 

Admitted it.

- Something is different about my body. Something just FEELS DIFFERENT. I feel fuller. 

- STARVING and then within an hour of eating nauseous/indigestion. Like its not enough to yak, but its close. 

- heartburn???? I never get heartburn. 

- random bouts of fatigue and super mild vertigo + mental fog. it's like out of nowhere I feel drunk/drugged. 

- gassy...

- Boobs aren't sore, but feel full. I don't think they've gotten bigger though, that I could notice.

- Dreams. I dream of children and keep seeing signs of pregnancy all around me. 

- WEIRD period. as in... I only bled for a day. minor spotting (i would barely even call it that) on the day before I was supposed to start. Then nothing on the day it was supposed to start. Day 2 I bled heavy. Day 3 and 4 - nothing whatsoever; no blood and no spotting. Day 5... minor spotting? 

- E-M-O-T-I-O-N-A-L

- Cramping

I know that I'm not. 

I am not Pregnant. 

But the test I took easily could have been a false negative because I took it in the middle of the day after drinking a boatload of water to make myself pee. So I am waiting a week after my period was supposed to have started and I will do it properly - first thing in the morning. 

I know it will be negative. And I know i'm probably going to cry. Tears of disappointment. Tears of confusion at all the mixed emotions I have and will feel acutely in the moment.  confusion at all the signs life has been giving me lately. Tears of relief. Relief at not having to tell Dalton I'm pregnant. Relief that i don't have the financial burden of pregnancy at a time when I REALLY can't afford it. Relief that the responsibility of parenthood hasn't shown up just yet. 

I will feel such bittersweet relief... because as much as it means my life won't be complicated just yet and I'm not going to lose my hopefully future husband... it means I'm not pregnant and I'm realizing that secretly I hope that I am. 

But again; all these things I am experiencing have other implications. It's just subconscious-becoming-conscious confirmation bias. I know this. It sucks but i also know that this is not the right time. 

but what do i do, now that i have admitted this to myself?

I am going to burst

 It is so frustrating. 

I like the atmosphere of my job. I like that it is laid back and accommodating. I like that I can take time off when I need to for doctors appointments or if a personal matter arises, without having to give  2 week-months notice. I like that I have the ability to do school work in my free time.... but I would rather I actually have work to do. 

i got fussed at/was given a polite warning about how much I look at non work related things on the computer at work. About doing my school work. 

it's because I don't have anything to do. I wouldn't be doing my homework If I had something else to do. 

Today, before 3pm I:- swept- filed- SOTU week 5 assignments. - Food and Beverage Quiz- Lodging Quiz

If you don't want me to be looking up dog breeds, or looking into real estate in washington, or doing my homework or playing on my phone... 

GIVE. ME. SOMETHING. TO. DO. 

I know I need to stay at this job until I graduate but I am going to go insane. When he pulled me to the side to acknowledge how much I have been doing other things I so badly wanted to explain:

I am doing this to occupy my mind and time. I am just trying to keep busy.

If I am at work... I want to fucking work. Like. Fuck. Please give me something to do other than wait for the phone to ring or for someone to walk in. 

blarg.

 This is going to be a long semester.... I just feel beat already. 

I'm not sure whats going on, but i feel brain fuzz. My body is heavy. I slept great last night and HEAVILY but I feel like I didn't get a wink. 

New allotment of time

 Okay so this systems class if going to actually be the death of me and if I don’t want to fail it will take the most time I have what so ever. So in order not to forget my other classes, but give it the dedication it requires.... here’s the new schedule.

Week 1.

Monday: 

-work: F&B quiz. Lodging quiz. Start SOTU Module. 

-home: F&B reading.

Tuesday: 

-work F&B discussion board. Finish SOTU module. 

- home: start environmental systems. 

Wednesday:

Work -  Environmental systems.

Home- environmental systems

Thursday:

Work - environmental systems. 

Home - therapy. Self care routine. 

Friday:

Work - work on bigger projects for other 3 classes.

Home - environmental systems. 

———-

Saturday: environmental systems. D&D

Sunday: Dr.Knox appointment. 

Week 2

Monday: 

-work: F&B quiz. Lodging quiz. Start SOTU Module. 

-home: F&B reading.

Tuesday: 

-work F&B discussion board. Finish SOTU module. 

- home: environmental systems. 

Wednesday:

Work -  Environmental systems Discussion board. 

Home- environmental systems discussion board. 

Thursday:

Work - environmental systems test while Donald is at lunch. Email professor with questions.

Home - therapy. Self care routine. Review email response. 

Friday:

Work - work on bigger projects for other 3 classes.

Home - environmental systems test again if need be.

———-

Saturday: work on any bigger projects as needed D&D

Sunday: Dr.Knox appointment. 

I will decide the number of videos and articles to read by 7. Have an allotted amount needed to process each day. I must meet that quota if I will finish the assignments in time. Gods above I will need all the help I can get with this course.  

Set Schedule / Keeping Up part 2

****Due to the sheer size of the homework load I will probably have to watch/listen to systems videos every day. 

WEEK 1

Monday:

- at work: Environmental systems reading.

-at home: Environmental systems videos. 

Tuesday

- at work: Do a SOTU module and Lodging Module

- at home: Food and Beverage Reading (phone)

Wednesday

- at work: Food and Beverage DB/Quiz

- at home: BREATHE/Read Brigid

Thursday

- at work: Environmental Systems 

- at home: Therapy and Brigid Chapter

Friday

- at work: Catch up on anything not done prior/Work on bigger assignments

- at home: Bigid Chapter if not done sooner/Brigid Conversation or ritual.

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Saturday: D&D

Sunday: Breathe. 

WEEK 2

Monday 

- at work: Environmental systems reading.

-at home: Environmental systems videos. 

Tuesday

- at work: Do a SOTU module and Lodging Module 

- at home: Food and Beverage Reading (phone)

Wednesday

- at work: Food and Beverage Quiz & Discussion Board. -  SOTU Module if possible. 

- at home:  Breathe. 

Thursday

- at work: Take Environmental Quiz and discussion bard. - Lodging if possible. 

- at home: Therapy and Brigid Chapter

Friday

- at work: Catch up on anything not done prior/Work on bigger assignments

- at home: Bigid Chapter if not done sooner/Brigid Conversation or ritual.

----------------

Saturday: D&D

Sunday: Breathe. (Environmental systems due)

***This week is a hustle because I underestimated the load of the environmental systems. SOTU and LODGING has been replaced with Environmental systems. Next week I will no longer be ahead, but will be on pace. I will need to do extra modules to get back ahead of the curve. 

*** Work Ahead on tuesdays if possible. 

Keeping Up

Monday 

- at work: Environmental systems reading.

-at home: Environmental systems videos. (holy shit theres like 3 hours worth.)

Tuesday

- at work: Do a SOTU module/Env. system reading. 

- at home: Food and Beverage Reading (phone)

Wednesday

- at work: Food and Beverage DB/Quiz

- at home: - Environmental Systems Videos (any left) and discussion board. 

Thursday

- at work: Do a Lodging Module/Quiz - Take Environmental Quiz

- at home: Therapy and Brigid Chapter

Friday

- at work: Catch up on anything not done prior/Work on bigger assignments

- at home: Bigid Chapter if not done sooner/Brigid Conversation or ritual.

----------------

Saturday: D&D

Sunday: Breathe. (Environmental systems due)

Environmental Systems:

- well I missed the first assignment because he held the meet and greet meeting during the middle of the goddamned day and he sent out the instructions for the alternative assignment for those who couldn't make it on the day I was moving and unpacking all weekend. So, I got my first zero there. I really hate that for a grade we have to upload a damn video introducing ourselves with only 2 days notice. Granted it should be an easy grade but goddamn it i didn't even FIND my laptop till the end of saturday. but WHATEVER. 

- Module 1 Reading and test is due this sunday. So I need to work on that today... Maybe if I sneak some headphones to work I can listen to the videos? Cuz this shit is like 90% videos. (Today)

- HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO COMPLICATED ITS TAKING ME LIKE 2 HOURS TO GET THROUGH THE FIRST READING WHICH IS ONLY LIKE 3 PAGES

Food and Beverage Management:

- Read Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 (Tuesday. - home)

- Take Quiz and Do discussion Board (wednesday - work)

SOTU

- do module 3: Chimney Rock (tuesday- work)

- Find a Restaurant Owner to interview.... at least think of interview questions. 

- if I have more free time: work on figuring out the evidence project... ugh. jesus. 

Lodging:

- Take chapter 3 Quiz (Thurday)

- Analysis of Case Study Due by November (13.1) see if can locate it online? (sometime before november)

- HOTELSIM: Hotel Business Acumen Certification (Friday)

"Students are required to take a certification exam. In order to take the exam, you must have completed all four (4) HotelSim modules assigned. The URL links to the four modules are:

Module 1:  http://russellpartnership.link/CHBA1 

Module 2:  http://russellpartnership.link/CHBA2 

Module 3: http://russellpartnership.link/CHBA3 

Module 4:  http://russellpartnership.link/CHBA4 "

Mystery Roommate

 So we found out last night that we are getting a RANDOM roommate to fill our third room today when they move us to our new unit. 

We have a name and thats it. They weren't even going to tell us; we only found out when chandler went to apply to fill the room. They told her someone was already scheduled to take the room and she told us. 

We don't know if its a guy or girl. Don't know if its someone older or someone fresh out of highschool. 

Riley W***r. 

That is all we know. Theres guys by that name. Theres girls by that name. 

We have no idea. 

We don't know if they will already be in the room when we get there. We don't know if they are moving in after us. Clueless. Going in totally blind. 

So once everyone is moved in and we start unpacking or whatever.. We need to sit down and talk logitsics. 

1. What is your schedule like? When do you wake up... gop to bed... go to work/school... We can discuss noise levels and timing. 
2. How do you prefer to communicate when there is an issue? Text, face to face?
3. How do you prefer to handle groceries, cooking, storing food? Are you a family style/sharing is caring or a every person for themself style? What about using dishes and cookware?
4. How neat/messy are you? How do you want to break down the chores?
1. How do you prefer to handle the communal cleaning supplies like dish soap and trashbags?
5. How do you like to compress from the day? Isolation or socialization?
6. How do you feel about socialgatherings and over night guests? Do you have a SO?
7. What are some of your biggest pet peeves?
8. what do you like to do on the weekends?
9. how do you feel about dogs?
10. What are things you want to discuss in terms of operation?

Personal Questions

1. Are you an introvert or extrovert
2. how do you feel about religion?
3. how do you feel about drug use?
4. how do you feel about alcohol?
5. how do you feel about LGBT+?
6. how do you lean politically?
7. How Modest are you? I walk around without pants all the time and Dalton walks around shirtless. 
8. If you had to describe yourself and personality....?

Notes on My Classes ** Fall 2020

Environmental systems (SOTU 6100) - This one is gonna be Hard, but I knew that

* no textbooks =  Supplied articles and lots of videos (videos meaning I can't do this stuff while at work...) - lots of reading. 50 pages a week. sheesh. That part I can do at work at least.  

* 5 tests (first 5 modules) - bi weekly at least

* bi weekly discussions

*ALL ASSIGNMENTS ARE DUE BY SUNDAY NIGHT 

* 1 big project - 20% of grade

*ORAL EXAM GODS HAVE MERCY - 10% of grade *** But study material provided after quizzes

** Cannot Work Ahead. Quizzes only open from a certain date to a certain date. Cannot even read ahead. 

Lodging Management (HGMT 6410)

* Weekly Quizzes (study via quizlet) By SUNDAY NIGHT - Could probably knock these out in a day. 

*Discussion board on other people's Case Study

*Big Paper = Case Study

** CERTIFICATION TEST!!!

*Final Exam (not proctored)

******* CAN WORK AHEAD IN WHILE AT WORK 

Food & Beverage Management (HMGT 6400) - will be lots of work but shouldn't be overly difficult 

** NEED THE TEXTBOOK: E-Book Rental via vital source bookself... 

*Weekly Assignments Due EVERY FRIDAY 

*Chapter quizzes every week and Discussion Board ** In depth DB. 

* 3 Big Assignments (1: 3 small papers together, 2: Get to be a Food Critic, 3: Basically Another Business Plan, but in this time I'll put it in Asheville)

*No Final Exam

*I can only access it on my phone :(

Principles of Sustainable Tourism and Hospitality (SOTU 6000)

*Weekly Discussion Boards and Assignments due EVERY TUESDAY

*Big Paper and Presentation - Case study vs Research paper...????

*Interview Assignment - Villa Verde? Biscuit and the Bean? The Scullery?

*Photo Assignment

**Essay Final (its one last discussion board)

*No Final  Exam

** CAN WORK AHEAD WHILE AT WORK

Lodging and SOTU6000can be done at work for the most part. (aside from big papers and projects)

Weekly Schedule:

Monday: Reading for F&B (weekly)

Tuesday: F&B discussion board & Quiz (weekly)/ SOTU600 due

Wednesday: BREAK

Thursday: Env. Systems Reading (while at work)/Video (at home/bring in headphones?)

Friday: Env. Systems Quiz (Bi Weekly)/ Food and Bev assignments due. 

Saturday

Sunday

Triskele

So it has been motioned that I no longer wear my faerie star necklace by Brigid. I had come to almost define myself by the symbol and in a way I have been limiting myself by basing my spiritual identity just on being fae. It is not the only thing that I am nor is it the only thing I want to be known for. 

I was leaning too heavily on the fact of what I WAS/am on a soul level, and not investing enough in what I am/will be in this life. In this life it is my purpose to heal others, to aid them in transitional periods, and to help be a light to other non-human souls as they discover what they are and how to navigate living in two worlds like I do. 

I am now wearing a Triskele necklace in place of my faerie star. 

It makes sense....

Mind-Body-Spirit

Maiden-Mother/Warrior - Crone (the cycle that we women go through in life)

Brigid: Healer (midwife, children) - Bard (knowledge, inspiration) - Fire (forge, creation, harth)

it is one of the sacred symbols of Brigid (and some other goddesses) and out of all her symbols it is actually my favorite. I used to try this symbol all the time when I was younger, just doodling. 

I am by no means letting go and forgetting where I come from and what I am, but I am changing my focus. My end goal is the same; to be a faerie shaman/healer. But now I need to shift my focus to the healer aspect and develop that more. 

Chest Pressure

I've got this tight anxiety in my chest. I'm not sure if it's insecurity driven or being worried about his travel, but when I think about viking boy leaving for Illinois I have this crushing pressure around my heart. It almost feels like my heart is breaking for no reason. 

It makes me incredibly sad, anxious, and clingy. Especially the last 2 days and today, the day before he leaves, it at its worst intensity yet. I just want to hold him, kiss him, and cry. At first I thought it was just pms but it seems to be related to his leaving. 

Am I preemptively missing him? I know I am anxious about him going back there alone but he will have friends there and his son there, so I'm not as worried about a relapse. I'm not usually anxious about people traveling, but is that what i'm worried about? Am I that insecure about the idea of him being surrounded by pretty single girls and everyone being drunk and living in the moment?

Is it none of these or all of the above?

I'm not sure but my brain is telling me to find a plan B and my heart is hurting. 

Brigid Focus

Brigid Focus

So I need to work with brigid on a day to day and be less formal and forced about it. 

So naturally i'm doing some research again....and just like always it's really about divine timing. I'm finding stuff that I hadn't before. Or at least I'm seeing it with new eyes.

Plants: red clover, oak, shamrock, rushes
Crystals: moss agate, emerald, garnet, citrine, amber, rainbow obsidian

Perfumes/Scents: Heather, wisteria, violet, lavender, lemon verbena, and heliotrope

Best day: Friday (this will be when i do the candle and readings with her)

Symbols: Triskele ( A symbol I love drawing... really soothes and calms) and Triquetra

Might use the Triskele to make a new card spread..... add it to the list. A simple, general, 9 card spread. 

Message from Brigid:

"Its as good a place as any, we build our altar here... make me your maria. i'm already on my knees.... you had jesus on your breath, so i caught him in mine. Sweating our confessions, The undone and the divine. 'Cause this is his body, This is his blood. Such selfish prayers And I can't get enough"

Part of me has this insane idea to make my body a living altar to her. like getting the Triskele tattooed on me. Part of me wishes I could figure out a way to set up her altar safely in the kitchen where it wouldn't get messy or damaged. I feel like more kitchen witchcraft would please her. Sing to move the energy while I cook. I kind of want to put her on a wall so that the entire kitchen itself is her altar... and I would be worshipping her as I cook and then as I clean.... would also inspire me to clean more. 

And part of me thinks i may need to talk to a catholic person who works with her saintly variation. Or maybe I need to look into that part of her too. 

3 "sisters" or Talents of Brigid: Healing, Poetry (prophecy and learning), and Smithing/fire. Perhaps I have been so focused on the bardic aspect of her that I have neglected the other 2. She is a triple Goddess afterall, and to leave out her other 2 talents/sisters needs to be corrected. I've also seen it as "mother and fertility, healing and art, hearth and fire/smithing". Not quite sure how to worship the mother/fertility aspect other than asking her to bless babies (which i kind of did on instinct the other day). 

Every Day ways to worship her

- get my car fixed... she's a craftsmanship goddess, and use to make/bless horse shoes to protect in transportation... a modern take on this would be cars. Could also set up a way to bless the car through her.... lavender car scent and get some triquetra/triskele stickers?

- ideally set her up in the kitchen and ask her help with cooking/blessing the food before serving it. Ask her as a healer to nourish our bodies (sounds cringingly christian but perhaps for her, that's the point).

- Plant magic/grow your goals (write a dream or goal and plant it with a seed. As the plant grows, so too will your goal)

- "Spring Cleaning".... *sigh* fine. 

Working with her during our 7 week journey to know each other. Once I have her 7 day devotional candle made, Every Friday I will do an activity with her. One way I could do this is on the first and last week do an actual spread with the cards. The 5 weeks in between I can do a single card reading/ask her for updates and then read one of the 5 chapters of "tending Brigid's Flame"... i'll probably read and then talk to her. Honestly that actually feels right. The other days of the week brigid said she wants me to sing to her. I thought that meant setting a specific time to sing to her, but I think that's too forced. What I think she is hoping to do is get me back into the joy of song and dreaming, so she wants me to get into that mentality at least once a day.

The second method I could do is very much like the first, 2 readings, 5 weeks with the book... where I could read the chapter over the course of the  week, and then on that friday do any of the activities/rituals/meditations, mentioned in the chapter with her candle lit on fridays. if there wasn't an activity mentioned, reread favorite part of the chapter with her candle.

Also i think i will keep her candle in the kitchen with me. Maybe I'll get a Triskele windchime and hang it up in the kitchen on the wall?