Lilith

 Lilith

Okay so. I hadn't blogged about this because I wanted to be sure. 

So towards the end of my 7 week focus with brigid, she indicated that my next step was to embrace the wild/feral part of myself that I have under lock and key. Whenever I would ask for details about it I got cards about sexual freedom and deep spiritual change. What was holding me back? The devil tarot card.... attachment. 

I couldn't move forward because I was happy in my relationship. I was okay with putting it to the side. She was not. 

There was also the issue of who she said would guide me through my next spiritual cycle... Lilith.  I do not know what to do with freedom, to an extent it scares me. There was so much about what was hinted would unfold with her that I was intimidated.

 1) There are super heavy sex associations and it had been made clear to me that I was suppose to take on almost a "man-eater" persona. That scared me. 

2) Many people consider her a closed practice, (from her jewish associations) and I didnt want to cross any cultural lines. 

3) Solitude and Shadow Work. Real deep devoted shadow work. 

1) I am no longer in that relationship (*cries*) but I am thoroughly confused and doubtful about  the sex part. Being ace I don't really see the point of having sex outside of a relationship. however Lilith has pretty much said that its not something I'm going to just jump into aor be thrown in. Last night I talked to her about it. She told me my first step was to learn myself, and not to focus on the sexual aspects for now. (cross that bridge when we get there). But... last night she sent me a dream, to kind of show me the situations that could lead to casual sex while also not being scary or intimidating. She showed me how it could happen organically. It was reassuring.

2) I received explicit permission through a very intense card reading and spiritual messages. The key factor being, I could reach out to her... but she might not have reached back out. Well... she did. I was surprised with how clear she came through too... and she willingly spoke to me through my cards as well. 

3) This isn't going to be a fast process. I don't have to have all the answers. But she's willing to help me. The first step of freedom is getting to know myself again... gain a direction I really want to go into in life. My time of being a kid in her home town is going to end soon. I need to figure out where I want to fly to when I leave the nest. Step 1: self discovery and being okay with being alone. (while I am totally fine with being alone and the idea of being single for a while, I do struggle with loneliness. This will give me a refresher course on being alone seing as I han't been single long term in 3 years.)

(on another note Lilith doesn't feel anything like what I was expecting. I was expecting cold and controlled like Maeve... but she's not. Shes VASTLY approachable. she's almost like if Maeve and Aine combined.)

I see her as an iridescent silver snake. I have had that image in my mind since i decided I would start to work with her. Lo and behold... when I opened the package that held the Lilith book... there was a silver snake with the pink lotus flower as her imagery. This feels right.

Shes not my patron by any means, but she is for sure my teacher and the teacher I need at this time in my life.  

Lilith guide me. Like a snake let me shed the skin of who I was and emerge a new being. Stronger, kinder, more impassioned, and more sure of who and what she is. May I emerge fresh and with purpose.