i need to handle this :(

I know I need to talk to VBabout this... its embarrassing that it affects me as much as it does, but the truth of the matter is, it does.

I've been brewing on this and dwelling on it for days now and i know the only way i'm gonna let it go is if i talk to him about it. 

but i've chickened out of talking about it several times now. Every time he asks me if something is wrong I want to say yes, but i just say "i'm just feeling down". 

Its stupid and embarassing and pathetic.... Logically he has no reason to leave me and he's not out looking for some 30-somthing smoking hot chick. He doesn't really go out without me so it's not like i have to worry about one finding him while i'm not there. 

But my brain isn't being logical right now. I'm running on straight lizard brain which says he has no reason to stay if one were to approach him.... which ... he's a great looking guy who gives off mature vibes - why wouldn't he be approached?

I don't have to worry about anyone my age or younger, that's not his type. I'm not his type. What is it that I really have to offer him?

why should he stay?

In the big fight thats what jimmie broke up with me about. He didn't find me sexy anymore.... granted when he got over that and did he kept coming back... which only reinforces my insecurities. 

why it bothers me at the core.

The safety net isn't there.

It makes me feel really insecure. 

The last time I was told that my partner wasn't sexually attracted to me, we broke up like 2-3 weeks later. 

I'm not Biking Boy's type. Without that safety net there, whos to say that someone that is his type won't be able sway him and he could leave me like yesterdays news. 

I'm not secure in my place with him. 

At least it doesn't feel like that. 

thats why i'm so bothered. 

take away sexual attraction in a relationship with an allosexual (person who experiences and needs sexual attraction) then you take away security and the purpose of having a partner. 

and now all my brain is telling me is that my days with him are numbered and i'm going to lose him to some older chick that he actually finds sexy. 

adorable, why it bothers me.

Sexy.

The word alone carries a positive connotation. 

When someone uses the word sexy they use it as a means to communicate that they want whatever it is they are describing. 

"that car is sexy" = "I want that car"

Sexy when applied to people indicates that the described person has elicited a sexual response in another person. Different people find different traits sexy. To some confidence and strength are sexy. To others meekness and dependance are sexy because it makes them feel needed. Adults are sexy. 

To feel sexy is to feel confident and powerful. At least to me. 

It ensures that you won't be alone and ensures that the safety-net of sex is there. 

While i like when others consider me sexy, only one person matters: my partner. 

If my partner finds me sexy then it means they want me around them and they are less likely to leave because they get a positive sexual response, even if its mild in degree, when around me. 

Sexy means safe and wanted and desired. 

Sexy is sought after. 

Adorable is also a word with positive connotations. 

its a more loving way to say something is cute. 

It's used to describe small things often desired in a different way. Adorable things elicit responses of happiness and mirth. A pet is adorable. 

When used to describe people it often is applied in a loving manner to people that ultimately look small or weak. A child is adorable. 

Adorable usually indicates someone or something that needs to be taken care of. 

Both words are positive words. 

One makes me feel strong. One makes me feel small (not in a bad way). 

I want to be taken care of. 

I also want to be desired; (because sex is fun and a good way to pass the time and feel closer to your partner. It's also a power rush, to know you can elicit that kind of primal response in another person). 

Both are good.... but each has their time and place. To only be one or the other takes away the positive effects of the individual being described. 

If all one hears is "sexy" then they don't feel appreciated. 

if all one hears is "adorable" then they don't feel desired. 

and who doesn't want to feel desired or wanted by their partner?

What's the point in dressing up in things that use to make me feel sexy if he doesn't find it sexy? What's the point of putting on makeup in ways that used to make me feel sexy if it doesn't do anything? 

Feeling sexy is where I got my confidence... If I wanted a bit more confidence one day I would wear lingerie under my clothes and it would boost my self esteem confidence... now if anything it does the opposite. It makes me feel like a kid playing dress up. 

I can dress up in things that make me feel pretty but if my partner doesn't think its sexy then I don't feel sexy. I just feel cute because i know i'm cute. 

I know i'm aesthetically attractive. I know that I am beautiful. I thought that I was sexy. 

but i'm just adorable. 

ungrateful

I want to reiterate that i am not ungrateful for the wonderful way that Viking Boy treats me.


I know how good I have it.

He spoils the shit out of me and i appreciate him for it.

I am by no means intending to jeapardize what i have with him over stupid things that i stated on my previous post.


But this is my online jounral and i am allowed to rant.

I love VB and i would go to war over him.
I am loyal and I value any minute that i get to spend with him.
He is a source of comfort and love and i hope i am the same for him.


My head is just fucky. each day is different.

comparisons

let me start out that i am still very much in love with viking boy and altogether happy with him as a whole.

but lately my brain has been making comparisons between him and jimmie.

Things weren't always bad with him and obviously i miss the good parts.

the first being i miss being with someone who finds me sexy. Not only sexy but would tell me almost daily that i am beautiful.  Both words carry a different weight than "adorable".

I miss being beautiful. I miss feeling sexy. Viking boy has pretty much told me that I cannot be sexy in his eyes, but hes okay with that because sexy fades and adorable  does not.

like... that makes me feel bad about my femininity and just is a hit to the self esteem. I thought I was a pretty sexy girl. I'm not going to lie.. it makes me crave validation from other sources.

And I love Viking boy, and I know he tried for me.... but I miss BDSM. Viking boy is vanilla.
It was less about sex and more about power plays and it was a lifestyle for me. I really really fucking miss that. Like i could cry if i think about it too much. It was suh a big part of my life for like.... almost 2 years and it made me so happy and feel so safe.

when it does come to sex... well. Size is not the key to good sex.. its control and technique.

And theres just a bunch of little things that seem to just compact and make me wish for times when i was happier overall.

but i love viking boy and none of this is enough to make me want to leave him.
I just miss things about my past relationship.... its not even Jimmie that i miss, its parts of our relationship.


and i know my bipolar is oplaying a role in this, its just not as big of a role as i say it is.

Living together

So we’ve lived together for a week.

And it’s nothing like I thought.


I actually feel more isolated from him than when we lived in separate houses.
We sleep in separate rooms more often than not and the time we spend together really don’t quality time.... it’s full of distractions and I honestly feel very lonely.

Living apart made us actually value the time we spent together.... I feel like that’s already out the window. We made a point to do things together... go for walks and picnics...

Now that he’s already home he doesn’t want to do that. Just wants to get high and play video games.


I feel more lonely and alone now, than I did when he wasn’t even there.

hero

Ive come to realize that my last 2 paychecks alone cover my rent and car insurance and phone.

like damn. thats two whole paychecks I can't count on, because theyre instantly gone.


now i'm stressing.




and then....

a hero from afar gave me grocery money.


and i'm crying.

shadow work journal #4

Write about the last time you tried to manipulate a situation to your advantage and examine how you feel about that in hindsight.

it may seem childish but i made a grocery list and purposefully left it at home so that I would have an excuse to call viking boy when i got off work to hear his voice....

I feel like its harmless. 

I have a really shit memory and can't think of anything recent other than that because I literally just did it. 

The most memorable manipulation was when i made the guy who said he was going to "turn me straight" to fix me fall head over heels for me then i ghosted him. I feel pride at it. sometimes i feel ashamed but that happens in far fewer cases.

I do feel ashamed when i think about people being scared of me.... at the same time it gives me a little power rush. That is also probably part of my shadow self.... if people fear me then i am not their prey. 

Shaodw work Journal #3

Take a look at the best and most enjoyable aspect of your life right now. What is your underlying fear in that area and why?

fuck. this one is hard....

okay so what is most enjoyable in my life?

- Spirituality is a solace, although i'm at a standstill because i don't know how to work with Kuan Yin or rather what she wants me to do just yet.  (need to ask aaron if i can borrow his cards or if he can do a reading for me)

-My relationship is definitely something I enjoy (except when my bipolar flares up...like now... ). 

- I do actually like what i'm going to school for and I have big plans for the future with it in event planning and owning my own business. 

- i have a better relationship with several of my friends, that is something that brings me joy. 

fears involving them

- i'm not good enough to reach my spiritual goal and i'll never get there.... because i have a nasty habit of comparing myself to others. 

- i'm scared i'm giving my heart too soon and i'm only going to get hurt again.... because i almost proposed to a man that didn't even love me. 

- my friends are all going to turn their backs on me or phase me out for things that are out of my control again..... because past experiences of being expected to be a mind reader and then facing consequences of not. Trust is still returning. 

Shadow Work Journal #2

 How judged do you tend to feel on a daily basis? Explore how much of that perceived judgement is real and how much is imagined.

I feel judged on just about everything in my daily life. My hair. My make-up. the clothes I wear. the car I drive. the food i eat. 

heaven forbid I make a mistake or become un-useful. 

I feel like i have to please everyone. 

if i don't i won't survive. 

90% of the things i feel i'm judged on is all in my head and i know this. the world doesn't revolve around me and theres no reason people would notice me. 

I know the base things of my shadow self. 

- survivor

-inferiority 

-self-doubt and thinking I'm not good enough. 

two of of which comes from childhood truamas and having a starchild of a twin sister. I blame no one, simply stating facts. 

Charlotte, NC for TWA

https://www.sevenmiles.com.au/editorial/how-to-open-a-cafe/

okay so i need to think about location of the move a bit harder. 

Charlotte NC vs Charleston, SC.

where would my cafe do better?

I can plan for both..... because thats who i am....

and then just visit each and see which i like more? which is cheaper to rent a space? what the people are like. 

Charleston tends to be more moderate.

Charlotte more liberal. 

I might have to give up my dream of the beach for business success. 

while I won't be opening Tea with Anubis right away, i need to move to the area it would do the best in.... work for a few years to save up for the start up costs... There is a lot of planning to be involved. Location being super important.... i'm just sad that it won't be coastal. 

Neighborhoods/sub parts of charlotte we might look ino because they have a sparse suburban feel. All have above average public schools. (B or higher on niche) 

Davidson, NC

Plaza Midwood

Huntersville

Concord

Mountain Island

Pleasant hill road

Hickory Grove

Sunset Road

Plaza Shamrock

Silverwood

Kannapolis

Stanfield - rural

Gastonia 

Ranlo - rural

Monroe

Locust - rural

Kings mountain - rural/suburb mix

Hickory Ridge

Bessemer City

Steele Creek Township - Rural and Liberal!

Mallard Creek Township

Long Creek Township

Crab Orchard Township

Paw Creek Township - Rural and Liberal!

Riverbend Township - rural, suburban mix

Central Cabarrus Township - rural suburban mix

Georgeville Township - rural suburban mix

Shadow Work Journal 1

A) What qualities irritate you about others?

 - the inability to see other people's sides and perspectives

- ignorance/bigotry

- refusal to accept the truth/denial/confirmation bias

- people acting superior 

- arrogance/Pride

- entitlement 

- expecting others to just know things without actual communication 

- know it alls. 

-thinking something is wrong jus because it is different

- rudeness

- INCONSODERATION/ "fuck them" mentality. 

- can't face reality/must always be intoxicated

-selfishness

B)Do you see any of these characteristics in yourself?

- denila/confirmation bias

- i can be a know it all at times

- there are days i crave intoxication

-selfishness (occasionally) - "fuck them I to be happy"

- I can be prideful. 

C) Write about a situation or experience that emotionally charged you, and think about whether it might have triggered your shadow self.

 - I found something that made me happy, feeling betrayed by someone . thought I could trust and who turned out to have kept me at arm's length would be hurt if I pursued it. I figured I'd dedicated so much of my time to make others happy, why couldn't I have a turn? So I pursued it. It definitely triggered my shadow self. (selfishness)

- Someone thought they could "fix me" so I led them on and broke their heart. they deserved to be punished. (Pride.)

- I sometimes take pride in people's fear of me.... makes me feel powerful. 

D) Write about something about which you’re in denial.

 - I am often in denial of my own worth. I fail to see how stable my life can be, instead focusing only on the things that could go wrong. 

- I am in denial that I did anything wrong in both situations in letter C. 

E) Write about a situation where someone labeled you in a negative way. Maybe you were called stupid, bossy, controlling, shortsighted, judgmental, or narcissistic. How has this label affected the person you’ve become?

Letter C example 1. I feel I can not go after things that make me happy now because i will be called a whore, betrayer, short sighted, and selfish. 

shadow work start

okay so journaling can be good shadow work method...

shadow work explained: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2018/02/a-simple-starter-guide-for-shadow-work-that-actually-works/

Journaling Prompts:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201804/journaling-the-sensuous-shadow

http://www.kelly-annmaddox.com/2016/03/25-heavy-duty-shadow-work-journal.html

^ can do one a day?

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2016/11/shadow-work/https://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2016/11/shadow-work/

going back

I'm getting off of these meds.

fuck it. 

I'm so over waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to go to sleep again for hours. 

They make me feel manic just without the self sabotage. but it at times teeters on crazy manic. 

The past three days (today included) i can feel myself entering my "ice queen" phase as mom calls it. I want to be alone. I'm angry for no reason. I'm feeling numb and craving isolation. 

i'm hella apathetic. 

I want to scream and punch people and maybe set something on fire. 

and then cry. 

what i'll end up doing is redying my hair and then just laying in bed. 

fuck. 

so fuck birth control i'm goping back to trileptal. 

i'll just use spermicide and condoms. 

ding ding ding Charleston SC

i did a whole two hours of research I was gonna paste here... but i accidentally deleted it.... but it boils down to the fact that i weedled the best place for us to move would be Charleston, SC. 

- would be closer to Sam 

- at the beach. I'm sure people would be willing to come visit for a chance to be so close to the beach for free?

- there are a few metaphysical shops and bookstores. 

- highly praised public schools. 

There are some subdivisions but i really liked Goose Creek, a small town/subdivision that has a scarce suburban feel to it. I looked into it on trulia and theres some cute houses next to the woods that would be perfect....

Naturally we should rent first. Save up money with higher paying jobs to put down a downpayment. 

pip pip hurray

My job is staying open!
We have been deemed essential because we do bulk mailing, ergo we are grouped into mailing services and considered federal. We will only close when federal jobs close.  (if only we were actual federal)

We also print forms for several medical offices so we would probably say open on that alone too.

Awesome. I'm not out of a job.

Budgeting...

Okay so after I hit my year mark at pip i will have had a year experience in administrative work ....


so lets look at budgeting when I change Jobs.

If I made $14 an hour: 14x4= 2240 x .83 = 1859.20 about ...1800

income: 1800

group insurances: 115

health insurance: 100

Utilities - 100

Internet - 40 for suddenlink  

Car Pay - 200

Car Ins - 100

Student - 75

Credit - 60

Savings - 100

Phone - 55

Gym - 15 

in the bank - 100

Misc. - 100

Food: 200

---------------------

440 in rent on my own. 

with dalton.... 

income: 1800

group insurances: 115

health insurance: 100

Utilities -  60

Internet - 25 for suddenlink  

Car Pay - 200

Car Ins - 100

Student - 75

Credit - 60

Savings - 100

Phone - 55

Gym - 15 

in the bank - 100

Misc. - 100

Food: 100

----------

595 for rent. 

At Current place if we don't break the lease and move:

Income: 1800

rent/int/util: 450

group insurances: 115

health insurance: 100

Car Pay - 200

Car Ins - 100

Student - 75

Credit - 60

Phone - 55

Gym - 15 

in the bank - 100

Misc. - 100

Food: 200

----------------------------------------

230 for savings... 200/4 = 50 a paycheck instead of 25. 

IF I were to get another job.... 

such as:

Property Manager/Leasing Agent

Medical Receptionist

Online Tutoring from home (I could set up a gamera at the desk and keep organized. 

Bank Teller

Staffing Industry/Recruitment 

Human Resource Coordinator 

Paralegal/Intake Specialist (Receptionist)

Mailroom Associate 

People Relations Generalist (HR)

At Present:

Income: 1500

rent/int/util: 450

health insurance: 65

Car Pay - 200

Car Ins - 100

Student - 65

Credit - 60

Phone - 55

Gym - 15 

in the bank - 100

Misc. - 100

Food: 200

------------------------

90 for savings.... so we will bump that up to 100 anyway and take from misc. 

Kuan Yin

First article I click on today when i begin to research her again says everything that i felt her say to me before....

Kuan Yin

"Here are my sacred instructions: First, have mercy upon yourselves. You have endured much in your land, and you have eons of lessons yet before you. 

Only through a gentle touch is Nirvana revealed. Stretch and reach for greatness, but always with a gentle approach. 

Seek not opportunities, but allow them, to gently come to you as a lotus flower floats upon the currents of water amidst a gentle breeze. 

Strive, but not with hurry—enjoy the process upon which you embark. Know that each step along the way is akin to a party—a celebration of movement, which is itself a miracle.

Appreciate the godliness within yourself, within each of you. Do not chide yourself for your errors and mistakes, but laugh, grow, and learn from them instead. You, my gentle child, are doing just fine—in fact, very well indeed.

If I were to give you any words of wisdom, it would be the word that best embodies love upon this Earth plane to me: compassion. Growing past all shame and embarrassment, and moving toward appreciation, not just for the 'good' parts of yourself and others, but for all along the way—it's all good, believe me. And if you can know that as the eternal truth sooner rather than later, your happiness will come galloping toward you at the speed of mustangs with winged hooves. Believe that as the truth. Now.

"Wisdom comes from sitting still and listening, not from rushing to get ahead. A still heart receives love and information more readily than one that is harried. Do something simple today: Pick a flower and simply study it with no intent. Be blank. Be open. And know that whatever comes to you is good, and a lesson in the making—always and forever."

She can help with:

• Clairvoyance
• Compassion
• Feminine grace, beauty, and power
• Kindness, gentleness, and sweetness, toward self and others
• Love, receiving and giving
• Mercy
• Musical abilities, developing (especially singing)
• Protection—especially for women and children
• Spiritual enlightenment and gifts

https://angelsandmasters.net/A48.html
Rituals and prayers: http://www.orderwhitemoon.org/goddess/quan-yin/index.html


Aaron says to read this: http://www.bdk.or.jp/document/dgtl-dl/dBET_T0262_LotusSutra_2007.pdf

different rings

Okay so....

I changed my mind about the perfect engagement ring. Instead of the beautiful wedding band with the vines.... just a simple triangle to go around the point of the teardrop stone would be perfect.... because then when i buy him a wedding band it will be the same wint only with black diamonds. 

I would make the band match the the ring he got and everything. 

My ring set would cost less than $850

https://www.etsy.com/listing/688281202/morganite-engagement-ring-set-pear?ga_order=price_asc&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=morganite+pear+ring+set&ref=sr_gallery-3-46&organic_search_click=1&pro=1&frs=1&col=1

https://www.etsy.com/listing/733357022/pear-shaped-morganite-engagement-ring?ga_order=price_asc&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=morganite+pear+ring+set&ref=sr_gallery-5-48&organic_search_click=1&pro=1&frs=1

* the second one is less narrow and has a better color, the first one is a bigger stone. 

the pointed wedding band I can get in black diamond and then it will be perfect. 

just in case

Just in Case Pip Closes temporarily....

https://des.nc.gov/need-help/covid-19-information


I really don't want to go back to Foodlion.

moved in

moved in! Aside from a few things that i couldn't find to pack, (like the wii and remotes) and a few things i accidentally left ( a few mugs, my purple and black lace bra, and my oriental fan) I am all moved in. I am trying to make it feel as homey as possible but until everything has its place and I have bought all the decor (next paycheck) it feels like i am staying at a friend's guest room... and it will have to do as is.

I like this apartment and i'm excited to see what it will be like living here for the next year and a half .

crybaby

I don't know if its PMS or the meds or being empathic and picking up everyone's stress...   but i have been on the verge of tears this entire friggin day.

Pretty song comes on the radio? cry. 

Acts of kindness? cry. 

My friends are sad/facing hardships? cry.

Think about my mom? cry. 

Tink about the virus? cry. 

build a cat carrier only to realize I forgot to put in the gate? cry. 

I stg this is getting old. My tear ducts are just leaning on the red cry button without realizing it, I swear. 

final countdown

it's the final countdown and I will be moving in at 10am tomorrow morning.

Today after work I need to go to petsmart and buy cat carriers. Then load everything and poor humu up and take him over to the new place.

All that's left to pack is my 2 blankets and 2 pillows i've been sleeping on and then stuffing all of my leftover clothes into the suitcase. Then Load everything up into the trucks and ship it out to the new apartment.... 

Dillion only just applied to sublease from me but said if it takes too long he will pay the rent next month (rightfully so.... I won't be living there anymore). But thats getting worked on. 

-----

On another note I need to call my Dr and get a refill for the BV gel since i got it again before my IUD got removed. I also have to change psychiatric medications again..... insurance issues can't seem to get resolved with the new one i'm on. hopefully the next one will let me sleep through the night?I am so tired.... 

hex girl

I make it a known fact that I don't hex or curse (hex affecting one person, curse affecting generational).... I made one today. 

Previously as a lightworker, i thought i couldn't make them.. turns out i just never tried it the bardic magic way.

I most definitely can make them. 

The scenario: a pregnant black lady who hates white people has been harassing Lex and trying to get her evicted. 

Well now they've put nails in her tires.... and I am beyond pissed. I am also concerned at how emboldened they are getting with their hate. 

so I made a hex... that the pregnant lady, the root of the problem, would have difficulty in the rest of her pregnancy. 

That she would have a long, drawn out, painful labor. That the child would be fine, but her safety is not guaranteed. That she would hemorrhage. 

I put the hex (i almost made it a curse... but didn't.) into a stone crab and sealed it in a leather bag. All Lex has to do it drop it onto their patio/porch/yard/front door. 

While I feel no guilt because the bitch deserves to be punished.... I do not like hexes and am not proud at having made one. 

But Lex wants to use it (she does) then I will support her. 

She has been targeted and struck financially. 

She cannot strike back

...but I can. 

Glass girl pt 2 poem

Glass Girl pt 2

Fragile little flower, 

floating in her pond

do you ever wonder

whats beyond the dawn?

Fragile little bud,

yearning to feel the spring. 

Your winters lasted years,

have you lost everything?

Silly little glass girl,

trying to be strong....

I know you think you're secretly weak,

but you couldn't be more wrong. 

shaking little bird,

go try out your wings. 

Don't you know that when you fly,

you can achieve anything?

Fragile little glass girl,

soon the woman you'll be, 

can take the world and make it her,

moving forward freely. 

So to the fragile little glass girl,

I want to say to you,

its time to thrive and not just survive,

what do you have to lose?

Glass Girl pt 1 poem

Glass Girl pt 1

Piece by Piece

I chip away 

before the final part of me shatters.

I took the shards,

and tried to hide,

a bruised heart left in tatters. 

Through the years,

I did rebuild,

changing hats like the Mad hatter. 

And now I see,

there's more than strength,

living is what truly matters. 

My legs are shaking,

but I stand tall,

my baby steps make little patters. 

Still, Piece by Piece,

I shall rebuild

myself into something better. 

symtoms

I didn't think they would, because I have been doing so good, but my ptsd symptoms are flaring up after covering the almost rape on saturday.

My hyperarousal/inability to control my emotions and having overreacting levels of emotions is definitely flaring up. 

Yesterday I started having survival scenario/day-mares again. 

I had a really fucking bad nightmare last night. 

My stomach is a wreck and I feel sore for no reason...  (On that note I need to remember to add physical symptoms of ptsd to my chapter on symptoms.)

I'm up and functioning today but feel hungover. 

This sucks and I just want to curl up in my Onsie and watch movies all day. 

fuck resposnibilities and stress for a day.

which.... I type from my work computer.... 

gods above i'm tired. 

Little Girl - Poem

***from the perspective of someone who has been watchig over me**

Little girl so enwrapped,

the object of desire,

enthralled in the taste of sensuality

you're drunk on the ego.  

Little girl so uncomfortable,

things are not the way you thought

her sensuality has a cost,

you're caught in a cage. 

Little girl terrified

You want to leave it all behind you, 

there is no love here,

you're trapped and alone. 

Little girl raise our voice!

you only grow quieter. 

She has dimmed your light now,

you're barley more than a glimmer.

Little girl say something!

...they took her side?

prescious one, no...I promise...

you're not alone. 

Little girl Raise your voice!

Bare you're teeth and shreik out loud

get out of there now!

you're out the door. 

Little girl, now a woman. 

Its been a few years since you broke free,

you're scars will last a lifetime.

you're a survivor. 

beach retreat notes:

Baldhead island notes: 

air b&b's (divide price by 4)

This is the only one on the island itself and next to the national park...

https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/40198864?location=Bald%20Head%20Island%2C%20NC%2C%20United%20States&adults=5&source_impression_id=p3_1584454978_GbVSY8v1SSp1X9J5

 - 150 per night +150 cleaning fees = 450/5 = 90 bucks each...

- if V backs out: 112.50

OR

Oakisland (near it but also these are practically ON THE BEACH

https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/28332327?location=Bald%20Head%20Island%2C%20NC%2C%20United%20States&adults=4&source_impression_id=p3_1584455173_sPLNHexi%2BggYcgyJ

-108 per night + 150 = 366/5 = 73.2

-if VB backs out: 91.5

https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/42737973?location=Bald%20Head%20Island%2C%20NC%2C%20United%20States&adults=4&source_impression_id=p3_1584455173_5chvEgJXK7lNjXgh

- 111 per night + 150 = 372/5 = 74.4

-if VB backs out: 93

https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/1817056?location=Bald%20Head%20Island%2C%20NC%2C%20United%20States&adults=4&source_impression_id=p3_1584455188_yZP8WzONo3DGOqqb

- 110 per night +150 = 370/5 = 74

-if VB backs out: 92.50

ready

I am so ready to move in..... like.... SO READY.

I'm almost itching inside with energy. 

I have everything pretty much packed except for my toothbrush, paste, soap, and a hair brush. 

Tomorrow when Xander comes for his dresser I can really clean the carpet again, then i'll take apart my head board and have more room to set up everything so its easy to tote out instead of baracading my closet. I can ORGANIZE... which would be nice. 

My room is in chaos and its drivin me crazy...... why is saturday so far away?

**side note i'm not sure if the jitters are excitement of from my meds.... or am I manic? spin the wheel and take a guess, I guess?

lists....

Sorry for all the lists.... they help with the anxiety..

Still need to pack:

Tonight:

Finish packing clothes

Start packing nicknacks

pack up lotions and perfumes. 

Tuesday:

Break from packing. 

HOMEWORK FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS DO YOUR HOMEWORK. 

Wednesday:

Help Xander transport his dresser and move it in. 

Love the boyfriend.

Thursday night:

Load up all kitchen stuff (and bring it over right after work on friday)

Go to walmart for cat carriers. 

Finish all packing. ALLLLLL OF ITTTTTTTT (except bathroom and altars)

Friday: 

Pack up bathroom and toiletries

Pack up altars completely

take apart headboard. 

Bring over futon and Humu. 

Bring over 

Saturday:

Bring bags and boxes

Transport dresser over to mom's (this can be done early, afterward we can move everything over.... since we can't move in until 10.)

Unpack :)

Sunday:

FINISH ALL HOMEWORK YOU LAZY MOFO

greenway picnic?

have dinner with mom :)

Sojourner: memoir closing

**** not done with the memoir but i'm writing it out of order as it comes to me anyway.





Dear Reader,

The hardest part has past. You have been shown my journey and It has taken me over 4 years to come to terms with the fact that what happened to me was almost rape. For the longest time I struggled to believe that Camilla could do something like that; it had to have been a misunderstanding like she claimed it was. It's only been through writing this memoir that I could say outloud "she was going to rape me". I find myself fixating ont he word "rape". 

Every woman I know has either been raped or sexually assaulted. I've made peace with the fact that I have joined in the statistic that 1 in 4 women are assaulted. 

To those of you who are with me, men or women, just know that our struggle is more than a number. We are more than what has or almost happened to us. The important part is to accept what has come up in our lived, and to grow from it rather than letting it hold us down. The weight of what we carry can crush you if you stand still too long, almost move forward, even if its just an inch. Soon an inch will be a foot, a foot a yard, and a yard a mile. Even in the short time I have been working on this memoir I feel like I have grown and gone miles towards my journey of healing. 

Before, when I first started, I could barely think about Camilla. I could barely talk about her. I considered myself crazy and pathetic. I harbored anger, possibly even hatred, for myself and for letting what happened actually happen. There was so much blame and shame. But now? I understand that I was young, and nieve. I didn't know any better. While the fact that I freeze when i am the one in danger still is something I wrestle to understand and accept, I no longer grow angry at myself for it. For those of you whose body decides that fighting or running away are both too dangerous, know that "freezing" is normal and you are not weak for it. 

I love myself and I love my younger self. Writing this memoir has taught me so much about who I was at that time and who I am now because of it. I have been put into the fire and I am stronger because of it. Every person has their fire that they must walk through, it hardens us and makes beauty out of the imperfections we cary. I pray to every god and goddess I know that you may never suffer sexual violence, or violence at the hands of a loved one, and that your journey is an easier one. I hope this memoir has shown you what red flags to look for. For those who have the lingering storm of c/ptsd, I hope this has served to tell you that you are not alone, or helped those of you who may not have realized that you display signs of it. Reach out. Get help. 

I didn't realize how bad my symptoms were or how much they had been affecting my life. Reaching out through the support system I didn't even realize I had and getting help changed my life. I have ways and methods taught to me to help me heal and moving forward i can say that I am to live this life to the fullest. It is my sincerest dream that you are able to as well. 

So, to you dear reader and to my younger self I say:

I love you.

I'm proud of you.
You can do this.

Lisa. 

more health

So... with the IUD gone I was hoping all my problems would go with it...

but its not. 

I'm still getting cramps in my ovaries, granted they are a lot less painful and less frequent, and sex still hurts. 

We don't know how long my IUD was in the wrong place or what kind of damage it may have done to my cervix.... so maybe I just need more time to heal? i hope...

and after my period i'll stat the birth control pills and maybe that will make all the cramping go away?

shadow self/imposter syndrome?

So... i'm a fraud.

I act like i don't know what my shadow side is but I do. Shes a man eater. Does what she wants regardless of other people's feelings.... doesn't aim to hurt but also doesnt give a fuck. Its Fiona. My past self. 

The one who became a human to learn how to love them. 

One day people are going to figure out that this nice girl act, this sickly sweet mask that I wear... is just that. A Mask. 

I care about me and mine. I care about the environment. I care about particular issues.... but when it comes to people in general I don't. I swear half of the time I'm interacting with people, even people i love, i'm glamouring. 

I am not unkind. I am not mean neccesarily.... but sometimes its exhausting being nice. At my core I am selfish..... and very rarely do i let that come out. 

but one of these days soemone is going to see through my act and see just how dark my heart really is. 

Playing House

six days

In six days I will begin my new life with Dalton. 

I can see him whenever I want. i can kiss him whenever I want. I can just walk over and give him a hug every day, whenever I want. 

I can say good night to him every night. 

Wake up to him every morning. 

We even talked about setting up a routine where I wake up when he does (4:30) in the morning and we shower together and have breakfast. Shouldn't be hard since my new meds make me need less sleep..... but also means going to bed earlier.... like 10/11. 

After he leaves (around 5:15?) I can either do some exercises on my blow up ball, or do some yoga on the wii fit... or write. Maybe read in one of my new spiritual books. Maybe do an hour of each (7:15), do my makeup and leave to go towards work (7:30)

Come home on my lunch breaks and eat some leftovers from dinner the night before or make something for everyone to eat. Pre-prep for dinner. 

Ugh. I feel like we will be playing house but its going to be so nice. 

Notes for moving:

Things to buy:

- shower curtain - delivered sat

- shower mat - delivered thursday

-bathroom shelves - delivered thursday

- floating shelves - delivered thursday

-bed topper - delivered sat

--------------------

all off amazon: $200

Saturday go to walmart and get:

FULL size comforter set

Cat carriers, since they are being moved last

2 new cat litter boxes, I think I'll just trash the ones I currently have? Maybe?

hand soaps for bathroom (and kitchen?)

After move in...

- Disney Villians game. 

- teal faerie lights x 2

- makeup organizer? 

- Second Tapestry? 

What I have in my car: 

Dish set (plates)

waffle maker? I can't remember if i gave that away or not.... 

Toaster. 

baking set

*** if I put my mugs and pots and pans in there I can prob move that on friday night when Dalton moves in. 

***put in dishwasher pods 9because i bought them dammit and they are coming with me)

**bring over food as well. 

*** pack up spices too. 

Alters in new apartment

Alters

Faerie Alter: By the window. Some way, somehow, it has to be by the window. On Nightstand? 

Brigid Alter: Kitchen. Floating shelf in the kitchen somewhere....

Aine and Kwan Yin will be in the bathroom. Both deal with beauty and love and I want to have that associated with every time I look in the mirror. 

- Kwan Yin will need the Biggest alter space.... hers needs to fit the paintings and oil and bells (Top of bathroom shelving?)

- Aine by the mirror in small floating shelf?

Cernunnos and Demeter: by the window as well? Floating shelves. 

Mab needs to go over my bed... so she will be on the headboard, either at the very top or center.... we will see where smokey likes to sleep/move to more often...

So I need..... 4 floating shelves. 

Walk beside me Ritual

Walk beside me Ritual.

Mother, Mab 

Walk beside be. 

Be my guide when the magic is high

Remind me of my magic when I am low. 

Father, Cernunnos 

Walk beside me. 

Release the wild being inside my heart

Allow me not to settle nicely into the cage. 

Godmother, Demeter

walk beside me. 

Guide me in all earthly matters,

Ground me when my mind is lost. 

Sister, Aine

walk beside me. 

Teach me the love of the body, 

to love the humans the way that you do. 

Great Teacher, Brigid

Walk beside me. 

Guide me through this life so that I may not walk alone. 

Your patience is most appreciated.

Kind Guide, Kwan Yin

Remind me how to love myself, 

Access and accept my own inner soul. 

-------------------------

Time to host a board meeting?

Mab - Amy 

Cernnunos - ???

Demeter - Cecil

Aine - ???

Brigid - Emily?

Kwan Yin - Aaron

Have everyone in a circle around me, after blessing the space. 

Within the center of the circle I would go up to each person, ask them to walk beside me, and anoint them in that deity's oil. I would then wait in the center until each deity if they so choice responds with "I am beside you". 

Let the board meeting/scolding fest commence. 

sleepless night before therapy. *trigger warning: assault

i dont remember much.... i know what happened but i don't remember it. Fiona told me what happened. All I remember.... is feeling scared. Then betrayed...


We were making out.... starting to have sex and when I wanted to stop she did... and we just made out... then she started pressuring me to try the toy. I remember feeling open to it, since she had been so understanding that night about my needing to stop. Eager to please.

But the moment she moved away from the bed to go get it, I was hit with a cold wave of fear, like ice water. When she got back to the bed I told her I wasn't sure... So she decided to try and get me more comfortable with the toy itself. She made me hold it. She drug it across my belly as I layed down, down my leg and thigh... But I was scared. She continued to get closer to my genitals and I squeezed my legs tighter together...In person I was silent and pleading with my eyes, begging her to stop. In my mind I was screaming.

STOP
GET AWAY FROM ME
PLEASE I DONT WANT TO DO THIS
STOP
DAMMIT WHY CANT I SPEAK?

I was filled with frustration as I realized my body was frozen... I could not force my mouth to speak again.

When she pried my legs apart, her voice sharp saying "how can I do anything with your legs like this?" I gave in to the fear and the realization that this was happening. As she pulled my legs apart I let them go.... My last conscious thought was giving into a the beefling of utter betrayal, both at what she was  about to do and at my own body for freezing: Just let it happen, I just hope that its over soon. 

The next thing I remember I'm driving home, and crying. Sobbing. Then nothing.

Then I'm home. I'm crying and sobbing so hard that I can hysically feel my spirit guide manifest beside me to comfort me.

I go inside, and racheal asks if corrie and I had been fighting or something.
"Or something" I said... and I went to bed.
The next day I was fine. Somehow I convinced myself t was basically a bad dream and nothing had happened.


I know what happened. Fiona came in right as Corrie was about to rape me and said what I couldn't. "Stop. NO." When corrie tried to argue or apply pressure Fiona removed us from the situation and got me dressed. in the car..... when she realized i was crying too hard to drive she drove me home.



As I write this Fiona is clueing me in...



I stayed in denial until about a month and  a half later when I finally stood up to Corrie about her pressuring me. I called her out on ignoring my boundaries and refused to let her touch me. After a week we called it  quits. The reason I thought the incident had happened so close to the end... is that I spent the next month and a half disassociated and barley present.

Purple

I'm going purple.

Bleaching my hair tonight.... coloring it sunday.

I feel so excited and nervous....

I havn't done this since May of 2014, for my senior prom.

I refused to color my hair out of fear of not being able to get a job.
Then I refused because I wanted to get a steady 9-5 job.

well now I have one. And they allow colored hair.
And I don't have to worry about going natural again until I graduate next May.


Hell yeah.

tapping in.

This pressure in my chest,

a flame like the forests are now. 

This pressure in my chest, 

as if my lungs are filled with oil. 

Acid in my stomach, 

like the rain filled with poison. 

The air in my lungs burn

almost as if leadened with ash. 

A scream swells from deep within my chest

begging to burst from my lips...

but simply trails down my cheek. 

     -----

My body is heavy, 

my limbs are tired. 

I look around and all i can say is

the earth is on fire. 

     -----

Every time I tap into my faerie energy/magic/self I am hit with wave after wave of the earth's pain. 

I get filled with rage. 

I get filled with longing for home. 

i am filled with frustration at my humanness....

but underneath all of those emotions... is love. 

I love the earth and thus I am filled with rage at her pain. 

I love my people and thus I am filled with longing. 

I love all creatures and thus I am filled with frustration at being unable to connect how I use to. 

Making moves.

WE MOVE IN TOGETHER NEXT SATURDAY

THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING

things to pack:

- bathroom stuff - pack most of it, but thats probably day of moving 

- clothes - put into bags tonight, leave a weeks worth out for suitcase.

- Alters (Gods i am so sorry but I have to do it) - tonight? Next week?

- mugs/towels - can do tonight. 

- bed stuff - day of. 

- Decorative stuff - box early. 

Brigid Playlist and why.

- Let it go - Avril Lavigne

"I'm breaking free of these memories, I'm letting go, gatta let it go. Ive said goodbye, set it all on fire, gatta let it go, i'm letting go"

...."Let go of how you have been viewing yourself and your life... move forward to something new with love and embrace yourself."

- Unwritten by natasha bedingfield

"the whole song."

.... "writing is your magic. You are a bard. Also don't be so afraid to go into theu unknown.... write your story how you want to live it. MANIFEST. and stop doubting."

- Lost get found - Brit Nicole

"Don't let your lights go down, don't let your fire burn out, cuz somewhere somebody needs a reason to believe. Why don't you rise up now? Don't be afraid to stand out! Thats how the lost get found."

.... "Be a lighthouse to those who need you. But first you have to find your light,"

how do i do that^?

- Walk on Water - Brit Nicole

"So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose? Your insecurities, they try to alter you.

You know you're made for more, So don't be afraid to move. Your faith is all It takes in you You can walk on the water too."

.... "Believe in yourself and fall on me."

- Fall - Clay Walker

"So fall, go on and fall apart, Fall into these arms of mine. I'll catch you every time you fall

Go on and lose it all. Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear..I'm right here."

....."You can come to me. I am here to help you."

- Drown - female piano cover

"who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down? save me from myself? Don't let me drown."

.... "I won't, but you have to learn to stand on your own"

To Call Brigid/know shes there: Torches by X ambassadors

*This song embodies her energy I swear

“I am the voice of never never land. The innocence. The dreams of every man. I am the empty crib of Peter Pan. I am a kite against a blue blue sky. Every chimney, every moonlight night. I am the voice that will read you real, every memory that you hold dear.”
.....this is your power. This is what you are.

Songs for my personal growth dance:

- Into the Unknown - frozen 2

- Show yourself - frozen 2

- unwritten - NB

- I am the fire - halestorm cover

-unbreakable - fireflight (calling on brigid for help and embracing power)

- last of the wilds - nightwish --> straight up dancing/meditative music. 

Saturn Return/North and South node 6/12

this has all been written before reading about my saturn return (which will start in 3 years).

The saturn return involves the north and south node relationship i think is the super boiled down explanation?

http://beyondthestarsastrology.com/2015/03/18/analysis-of-the-6th-house12th-house-nodal-axis-through-the-signs/

- Watch your mental illness. 

- Don't live completely in the physical, don't live completely in the spiritual.... need a balance. This article actually says that one should exist in a liminal place.... kind of like the mind on shrooms. 

-BRUH. "Most people find they have to get distance from the otherwise ‘negative’ part of themselves, including their bad habits, compulsions, unwise choices, and toxic friends and family, if they are to cleanse themselves of the gunk that prevents their movement towards the abilities of the North Node in the 6th." - I LITERALLY STARTED MY BLOG OFF WITH THAT

- "There are times when I really do believe the nodes are harbingers of what can only be described as inescapable fate, particularly when the traditionally malefic 6th house is involved." 

        -- thats alll it says about the sith house libra north node..... it used john lennons murder as an                 example...... am i gonna get murdered? (thats a joke).... My chiron is there so maybe whatever             my chiron represents is fated?

https://theastrocodex.com/north-node-in-the-6th-house/

Thoughts:

 - I think it has less to do with the whole "letting go of past lives" and more to do with living in the past....letting go of old ways of thinking (i.e. not good enough, self doubt, subservience, etc.)

- "As the Lunar Nodes indicate Karmic debts and connections with previous lifetimes, the native who has the North Node in the 6th house must dedicate himself entirely to his current lifetime.".... well...yeah..... I do think that is a good aspect that I have already achieved... I'm not trying to relive my past life as a fae.... I am very much in this life. I don't really focus on my past life other than acknowledging that I am a nonhuman soul and those that were with me in the past are my guides now. 

- "He is born with an overactive spiritual world, which makes him forget that he has a carnal vessel too. He must pay attention to nourish and nurture it daily, or else health problems will appear."...... ouch. yeah. fuckin truth. 

-"The native’s body is now free, and he must give to it the credit it deserves. People with such a placement should indulge in physical activities slightly more than all the rest so that they balance the connection of body and soul in the big picture." -- okay. noted. be active. (come to think of it I was at my most spiritually talented when I was playing tennis everyday)

- Must Own a Pet. Mandatory - yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yesyesyesyesyes

-"The 12th house is all about self-sacrifice and giving, while the 6th one indicates putting a price. Sixth house North Node people know how to give for free but have not learned to price their efforts and products. A life lesson for them is to understand the value of their work through money and benefits they receive from it. Also, other lessons include the matter of time. They must learn to keep their schedules, while also work with deadlines." ---- Yes. I don't know how to charge for my time and work nor am I comfortable charging. but this is like the upteenth time something has told me to.... 

Other sources:

https://www.karenmblack.com/north-node-in-libra.html --> helpful. 

Astro.com:

LIBRA NORTH NODE/ARIES SOUTH NODE
FOCUS (LIBRA NORTH NODE)
Finding inner balance is key in your journey—as is learning to cooperate within group settings. Commitment will be a large theme in your life—compromise and meeting a partner in the middle will be prevalent. Having patience and learning to not act impulsively will also serve you well in the long run.

RELEASE (ARIES SOUTH NODE)
Anger will be a huge piece of the puzzle and will require you to channel aggressive behaviors, reactions, and tendencies in a healthy manner. Embrace the idea of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes—stop thinking about yourself and your needs first. You do matter, but so do others. Learn to ask for help—it’s not that hard, just do it, and do so with an open heart. No one’s ego will be shattered. Find inner balance and the strength to weigh decisions and the possible outcomes/consequences before acting.

https://i.thehoroscope.co/north-node-in-libra-the-justiciary-soul/ --> This doesn't fit me at all... but oh boy does it fit Racheal. Holy cow. 

Aside from the last one.. all of these make sense to me and tell me I'm on the right path. 

Changes

So I need to make some changes in my life. Brigid is helping me realize that while she is a mostly silent Patron, she is my patron goddess and she really just wants to see me shine. I need to stand out with all my quirks because I am meant to help people.... and how can I help them if they can't find me?

Changes for spirituality:

- let go of things that hold me down:

       - Jimmie - done

       - the belief that just because i'm human I can't access faerie magic (Work with Mab)

       - the belief that i'm too human

      - the belief that Fiona has to remain separate from me and the fear of who I will become when we merge. (work with Psyche and Cernunnos )

- Write More. Write anything. Blog posts. One shot scenes. Meditate/dance/read on past life episodes and then write them out as scenes? 

- Start fucking Meditating. It doesn't have to be sitting down and doing it the traditional way. "Your daydreaming muscle has been wasting away and you need to build it back up. It is your meditation and trance state. Make it stronger." Do it while running, walking, and dancing.

I need to make moves on my mental health:

- Spirituality has a big affect on mental health for me.

- so much anxiety.... my meds probably needed to be changed regardless.... but now i'm on a new psych med called vraylar. and while the side effects are no bueno, it could potentially be awesome. For now i'm stuck in a mixed bipolar episode until the medicinal effects kick in. 

- I am struggling with body image issues. (I need to work with Aine to see my beauty)

- Let go of the stress of finances... while important i need to trust that I will be taken care of in the long run (Brigid and Demeter)

Physically: DEMETER

- I need to stop living only in the physical with tiptoeing into spiritual

- I need to start being active again. Go for walks at least twice a week or start using my exercise ball. DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST FUCKING DANCE!

- I need to eat better..... what i am putting into my body is affecting everything. Consider going pescitarian or trying to cut out red meat/beef and pork on a large scale.  Cut down on fast food and if I do eat fast food, go for the healthiest option I can. Maybe Ask Amy and Emily for diet advice. 

All of these things and changes need to happen so that I can grow more bright as a person. I need to serve as a lighthouse to draw in other human-fae and anyone who may be in need of healing in ways that I can. I have known for years that my purpose in life i to help people transition from one phase of life to another... I can't do that If i am not in a place where i am able and if they can't find me. 

"Don't let your light go down, don't let your fire burn out. Because somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe. Why don't you rise up now? Don't be afraid to stand out. That's how the lost get found."

This is about me finding my place in this human life as a teacher, guide, and healer. But first I have to get there. 

wedding fever

okay so... my sister is getting married. My friends are getting married.

and i have wedding fever.

I'm looking at rings.... and frankly i don't think there is any WRONG pink morganite ring...... its just so beautiful.

And i know marriage and engagement is still a ways away...


but the fever is here.

and i'm half wondering if i'm so obsessed with it now because I really like viking boy and I want to have a means to keep him while things are good.. almost how I wanted to marry jimmie to try and make the relationship last?


I want to be with viking boy so much because he makes me happy. and i'm scared i'm gonna lose him.

Health Answers

So we think we figured out the answers to my lady health problems...

My IUD.

it was half out of my uterus and just chilling through my cervix. explains the spotting, the infections, and the cramping. Cervical pain can travel to the ovaries.

So... its out. I start taking the pill soon.

hey, maybe it will help me lose weight and make my metabolism go back to normal?

that would be a dream.

natural.... worry.

Hard to believe I'm going to be moving in with Viking Boy and Lexi in 2 months. I'm looking at houses with them... 

This man told me he wanted to live together after 3 months. Said he would move in tomorrow if he could. 

I feel like... this is going so fast and so well... whats the catch? This is almost too perfect.... 

it could be the whole "when you find Mr. Right" thing and my anxiety is just flaring up...

I have so many butterflies in my stomach they almost seem to be boxing around in there. I;m excited because i love him and i finally get to wake up to him every morning.... but i'm nervous. 

moving in together is when everything started to go wrong with jimmie. I don't want that to happen again. 

But this time we will both have our space... and i know for a fact if he is playing a game and I ask him if he can play another that I want to watch/find more interesting he would. Hes so courteous. 

We can have horror game dates... we can cuddle up by the fireplace... have picnics in our own yard where we can plant gardens... 

and when I want space or to do my own thing i can go to my room. 

I'm hopeful and excited and exhilarated that he wants to be with my that badly....  i'm nervous because ive been burned before and I don't want that to happen again.. but it just feels so natural with him. 

Viking Boy (as described as if a character)

She only ever saw him at the pub, mostly keeping to himself and looking at his phone while drinking a beer. Sometimes He would show up with others or speak to another patron, but his demeanor screamed introvert. She had spoken to him a few times, he had a deeper voice that sent vibrations of pleasure from her ears to somewhere deep in her stomach. He dressed well, his clothes lose enough to give off his desire for comfort, but tight enough to show his pleasant physique.

He was tall. Really tall. He had to be six feet at least, with strong looking arms, and big hands that he adorned with jewelry. At any given time he wore at least one bracelet and 3 big rings that formed a makeshift brass knuckles. His body language promised that he was not one to mess, a sentiment that his face often continued... except when he smiled. When he smiled his entire face lit up, his laughter infectious as it caused those around him to smile in return. She found herself oddly pleased at his teeth... they were white, even, with the canines a little sharper than most. He had high cheekbones underneath fair skin, blond hair kept short, and blue eyes that were captivating. He was the picture perfect image of a young modern day viking. She smiled a little to herself as she imagined one of those strong hands gripping a sword, or perhaps an ax. She almost nodded to herself, an axe would be more fitting for him. 

Despite his height she found that he was remarkably graceful and he moved with ease. She wondered if this was because of his incredibly relaxed aura; while his body language showed pent up aggression, he also always seemed to be relaxed in his stance. He was patient and calm, not one to jump into a fight - although she was sure he could probably end one. She couldn't decide if he seemed approachable or not, his presence equally intimidating and inviting. His broad shoulders were relaxed as he leaned his chair against the wall, his long legs stretched out comfortably. 

He looked like the kind of man that could keep a girl safe. He looked like the kind of man that would respect her... and wait for her to make the first move. She finished her drink, said "fuck it", and began to walk over to him. 

Texas

Texas

Honestly.... the more I look into it... the more I want to move to texas. 

I could easily get a job as a Planner/City Planner (i can volunteer on weekends or something so that I can fulfill my desire to aid in conservation) and make like 30+ a year.... in order to live comfortably in texas 2 adults should make about $14.75 if they have kids (which hopefully we will). I could even just get an administrative job if I had to. 

----------------------------------------------

I'm actually really liking the idea of going to Corpus Christi in particular. 

I'm falling in love with some of the houses in the area... honestly starting the search at 120+ is the best option because anything below that is just.... not worth. but low cost of living. 

but like.... yeah... 

It has the state aquarium there (hello job opportunity?) is america's "birdiest place" (hello job opportunity) and I can probably get a conservation community outreach job here tbh. 

its also within day trip distance from san antonio and Austin. But has the worst drivers in the US...gross...

Could also look into living in Portland... literally a 10 minute drive difference. Portland supposedly good living area but nothing to do.. so drive the 10 min to CC haha. The reviews on Portland are good. 

Sandia is a SUPER small and boring town about 45 minute drive to CC. 

These places run on super relaxed "Island Time".... so living a slow paced life. but also... 3 hours away from the big big cities... I think that's idea. 

Maybe Kingsville or Victoria?

Kingsville - 45 minutes to CC for jobs. Small and quiet, REALLY friendly apparently. 

Victoria... its an hour or two away from the big cities, an hour  from CC, and still runs on the slow pace of life. School systems seem really bad though :( also seems really racist?

..

Okay maybe looking more inland but near lakes?

Three Rivers/Calliham/Oakville - hour and a half from CC, 2.5 to Austin, and only an hour to San antonio..... so its kind of like greenville tbh. high crime rate though :( low cost of living. 

Emendorff is 30 minutes to San Antonio, 2 hours to the beach.... small, quiet, SAFE... "the kind of town you can keep your doors unlocked" but also super close to the city if we wanted to do anything.  not terrible, country folk... which isn't a bad thing. low cost of living. 

Honestly we might as well live in San Antonio. (the super small places around it included)

I still like this area of Texas though. 

OR OR OR

if we want to do more northern coastal we can look into...

Angleton - an hour from houston, its quiet and boring but again.... only an hour from the big city. not many jobs so would probably have to commute to Houston. Only like 20 minutes to the beach. 

We could also do Santa Fe... smaller, friendly, near Houstin (about an hour), 30 minutes from a good beach. hell yeah.  schools aren't the best though (so maybe look into privte schools?)

or just a scootch further than Santa fe is Pearland.

40 minutes to houston (not a bad commute), 35 minutes from the beach, Great Schools. Safe. Freindly people. lots of art, food, culture.... oh I think we have a winner winner.

but high cost of living.... like its actually more expensive than Housotn????? 

shit. lets just live in houston. 

40 minutes from the beach. big city = jobs. not too expensive to live...really bad traffic... racist :( baby Pearland is worth? idk. it has so many good reviews that outweight the bad. but notes of terrible traffic, heavy pollution, and mean people.... 

Overall I'm thinking Pearland.... but its sooooooo expensive housing wise....Maybe if we looked on the very outskirts of houston?

good article about understanding otherkin from a non otherkin POV

Otherkin

It seems any time the term Otherkin comes up it is met with disdain or mockery... or if it is suggested people vehemently deny it (kind of like boys would in middle school anytime "gay" was mentioned). People seem to equate it with childishness or delusions...

And honestly, it's really hurtful. 

Sometime in the past few months someone made a status on facebook mocking us... and then recently in a group chat I was in the term was thrown around with obvious "oh no I don't want to be associated with that" connotation, especially with the face made after it. From people I barely know its one thing.... but to have a friend do it... its been eating at me since. 

Here's my thing....

why?

Why is otherkin so looked down on and mocked? We believe we have inhuman souls within our human bodies... if you believe anything has a soul then how is the belief that the soul is inhuman that far fetched? Its not like we live our lives screaming at the top of our lungs that we physically re what our souls are... we know our bodies are human. 

Its not a religion. Its more than a belief.... its just what we are. and I am so sick of it all. We go through a daily struggle, often causing depression and misery as we try to balance being human and living as humans while still having remnants of what we were. 

This article really describes it well.. form a non otherkin point of view who was totally skeptical until she went out and actually met some of us. 

http://otherkin.com/dragons-and-faeries-and-elves-oh-my/

The bruise

You know when you have a bruise?

There’s that urge to poke it and obviously it hurts.
.... but there’s something almost comforting in the pain?
So you keep pushing down, wincing, but unable to stop and let it go.
It’s almost like a compulsion... as if maybe the next time won’t hurt.
But it always does.

But, the truth is... you need to stop touching it so it can fully heal.

It’s time for me to let the bruise heal.

And I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.

to do...

To today:

GO VOTE

Article Synopsis chapt 7

Reading Assignment - SOTU

Clean the bedroom...

- buy online textbook $19

Tomorrow:

Chapter 10 Article Synopsis - while at work?

SWOT 1 - while at wrk?

Thursday:

Cvent study/maybe take the test -- oops I forgot.

Friday:

Chapter 8 quiz - event plan - at work

study cvent and maybe take test

Saturday:

Do a final few readings on what i'm supposed to do for/with brigid and the fae. 

witchy shenangians

** Write the big incident therapy session at 3

Sunday: relax.
TAKE CVENT TEST 

Monday:

DO THE FUCKING SWOT PAPER

Case Study start?

Tuesday:

Reading Assignment and Discussion Board - SOTU - at work?

wedding bells and engagement rings

Etsy is the best for rings I swear....

I am so in love with pink Morganite. 'I honestly like it in all cuts but the pear/drop shape is my fave thus far.....

and theres this guy on etsy that has so many different cuts for it... with like... the PERFECT FUCKING WEDDING BAND. ASDFGHKJL;

https://www.etsy.com/listing/506240974/pink-morganite-14k-rose-gold-natural?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=morganite+engagement+ring&ref=sc_gallery-1-8&plkey=f821f414eddbe1807c7a9722bb2edf7f0bf0cb63%3A506240974&pro=1&frs=1

heres the sets options
https://www.etsy.com/shop/bartUSgem?ref=simple-shop-header-name&listing_id=506240974&section_id=23605520

heres just rings

https://www.etsy.com/shop/bartUSgem?ref=simple-shop-header-name&listing_id=506240974&section_id=20633969

literally cannot go wrong. AND they're so affordable....

-----------------------------------

Celtic traditions to consider:
https://www.celtic-weddingrings.com/wedding-guide/celtic-wedding

** Green attracts the faery folk who may cause mischief... so leave out little bits of honey . duh. **
- Have the ceremony done in a circle, not isles... when the bride arrives to the groom, and hands are transferred, a circle is drawn around them. --> i really like this! also makes sure there is no "side"
^ maybe have bridesmaids and groomsmen draw the circle as they walk up but leave a small portion incomplete?
-blue in the dress! or green!

https://www.amazon.com/Sleeves-Wedding-Dresses-Vintage-Bohemian/dp/B07JHSW4JW
and maybe dye this blue (ask aaron)?
https://www.amazon.com/White-Tulle-Wedding-Bridal-Wraps/dp/B07GNNDD66/ref=sr_1_32?dchild=1&keywords=cape+for+wedding+dress&qid=1583264555&sr=8-32
OR I could go with a belt...
https://www.amazon.com/Rhinestone-Crystal-Bride-Wedding-Belt/dp/B072KH38QH/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=blue+wedding+dress+belt&qid=1583264689&sr=8-5

https://www.amazon.com/Handmade-Rhinestones-Accessory-3-9x14-2%E2%80%B3-Decoration/dp/B01N6PTOMY/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=blue+wedding+dress+belt&qid=1583264689&sr=8-6


Viking Traditions to add:
https://alehorn.com/blogs/blog/3-viking-marriage-rituals-you-can-steal-for-your-wedding

- we can do the bride race, not tho serves who, but the first to be served/get their food
- do the bride/groom sauna/bath as parts of the bachlor/ett night?
- for the bride it was less about the dress and more about the hair...
https://www.amazon.com/Lurrose-Headband-Wedding-Birthday-Accessories/dp/B07WCVV81R/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=gold+antler+headband+wedding&qid=1583265111&sr=8-6

OR

https://www.amazon.com/Lurrose-Flower-Ladies-Headband-Wedding/dp/B07LDPC53J
^ and then https://www.amazon.com/Quietcloud-Headbands-Christmas-Statement-Accessory/dp/B0848FSW84/ref=sr_1_111?keywords=white+small+antler+headband&qid=1583265407&sr=8-111 with it

** for both, drinking Mead is important... so... thats what we should def have for the reception.

-----------------------------------------

Who would I invite? for a smaller wedding

Wedding Party: Lex, Aaron, Cara?

Family: Mom -walk me down the aisle and closes the flower circle-, Rach, Mary, Elisi, Woolard, Reggie, Ma and Pa dew, Sam

Friends: Brooks, Amy, Victoria, Matthew, Maggie, Emily, Savannah, Dr. Knox, Dr. Bunger,

thats.... 21 guests on my end. 38 if non couples (if the invite is just to them) bring plus 1's.