comparisons

let me start out that i am still very much in love with viking boy and altogether happy with him as a whole.

but lately my brain has been making comparisons between him and jimmie.

Things weren't always bad with him and obviously i miss the good parts.

the first being i miss being with someone who finds me sexy. Not only sexy but would tell me almost daily that i am beautiful.  Both words carry a different weight than "adorable".

I miss being beautiful. I miss feeling sexy. Viking boy has pretty much told me that I cannot be sexy in his eyes, but hes okay with that because sexy fades and adorable  does not.

like... that makes me feel bad about my femininity and just is a hit to the self esteem. I thought I was a pretty sexy girl. I'm not going to lie.. it makes me crave validation from other sources.

And I love Viking boy, and I know he tried for me.... but I miss BDSM. Viking boy is vanilla.
It was less about sex and more about power plays and it was a lifestyle for me. I really really fucking miss that. Like i could cry if i think about it too much. It was suh a big part of my life for like.... almost 2 years and it made me so happy and feel so safe.

when it does come to sex... well. Size is not the key to good sex.. its control and technique.

And theres just a bunch of little things that seem to just compact and make me wish for times when i was happier overall.

but i love viking boy and none of this is enough to make me want to leave him.
I just miss things about my past relationship.... its not even Jimmie that i miss, its parts of our relationship.


and i know my bipolar is oplaying a role in this, its just not as big of a role as i say it is.