sleepless night before therapy. *trigger warning: assault

i dont remember much.... i know what happened but i don't remember it. Fiona told me what happened. All I remember.... is feeling scared. Then betrayed...


We were making out.... starting to have sex and when I wanted to stop she did... and we just made out... then she started pressuring me to try the toy. I remember feeling open to it, since she had been so understanding that night about my needing to stop. Eager to please.

But the moment she moved away from the bed to go get it, I was hit with a cold wave of fear, like ice water. When she got back to the bed I told her I wasn't sure... So she decided to try and get me more comfortable with the toy itself. She made me hold it. She drug it across my belly as I layed down, down my leg and thigh... But I was scared. She continued to get closer to my genitals and I squeezed my legs tighter together...In person I was silent and pleading with my eyes, begging her to stop. In my mind I was screaming.

STOP
GET AWAY FROM ME
PLEASE I DONT WANT TO DO THIS
STOP
DAMMIT WHY CANT I SPEAK?

I was filled with frustration as I realized my body was frozen... I could not force my mouth to speak again.

When she pried my legs apart, her voice sharp saying "how can I do anything with your legs like this?" I gave in to the fear and the realization that this was happening. As she pulled my legs apart I let them go.... My last conscious thought was giving into a the beefling of utter betrayal, both at what she was  about to do and at my own body for freezing: Just let it happen, I just hope that its over soon. 

The next thing I remember I'm driving home, and crying. Sobbing. Then nothing.

Then I'm home. I'm crying and sobbing so hard that I can hysically feel my spirit guide manifest beside me to comfort me.

I go inside, and racheal asks if corrie and I had been fighting or something.
"Or something" I said... and I went to bed.
The next day I was fine. Somehow I convinced myself t was basically a bad dream and nothing had happened.


I know what happened. Fiona came in right as Corrie was about to rape me and said what I couldn't. "Stop. NO." When corrie tried to argue or apply pressure Fiona removed us from the situation and got me dressed. in the car..... when she realized i was crying too hard to drive she drove me home.



As I write this Fiona is clueing me in...



I stayed in denial until about a month and  a half later when I finally stood up to Corrie about her pressuring me. I called her out on ignoring my boundaries and refused to let her touch me. After a week we called it  quits. The reason I thought the incident had happened so close to the end... is that I spent the next month and a half disassociated and barley present.