Sojourner: memoir closing

**** not done with the memoir but i'm writing it out of order as it comes to me anyway.





Dear Reader,

The hardest part has past. You have been shown my journey and It has taken me over 4 years to come to terms with the fact that what happened to me was almost rape. For the longest time I struggled to believe that Camilla could do something like that; it had to have been a misunderstanding like she claimed it was. It's only been through writing this memoir that I could say outloud "she was going to rape me". I find myself fixating ont he word "rape". 

Every woman I know has either been raped or sexually assaulted. I've made peace with the fact that I have joined in the statistic that 1 in 4 women are assaulted. 

To those of you who are with me, men or women, just know that our struggle is more than a number. We are more than what has or almost happened to us. The important part is to accept what has come up in our lived, and to grow from it rather than letting it hold us down. The weight of what we carry can crush you if you stand still too long, almost move forward, even if its just an inch. Soon an inch will be a foot, a foot a yard, and a yard a mile. Even in the short time I have been working on this memoir I feel like I have grown and gone miles towards my journey of healing. 

Before, when I first started, I could barely think about Camilla. I could barely talk about her. I considered myself crazy and pathetic. I harbored anger, possibly even hatred, for myself and for letting what happened actually happen. There was so much blame and shame. But now? I understand that I was young, and nieve. I didn't know any better. While the fact that I freeze when i am the one in danger still is something I wrestle to understand and accept, I no longer grow angry at myself for it. For those of you whose body decides that fighting or running away are both too dangerous, know that "freezing" is normal and you are not weak for it. 

I love myself and I love my younger self. Writing this memoir has taught me so much about who I was at that time and who I am now because of it. I have been put into the fire and I am stronger because of it. Every person has their fire that they must walk through, it hardens us and makes beauty out of the imperfections we cary. I pray to every god and goddess I know that you may never suffer sexual violence, or violence at the hands of a loved one, and that your journey is an easier one. I hope this memoir has shown you what red flags to look for. For those who have the lingering storm of c/ptsd, I hope this has served to tell you that you are not alone, or helped those of you who may not have realized that you display signs of it. Reach out. Get help. 

I didn't realize how bad my symptoms were or how much they had been affecting my life. Reaching out through the support system I didn't even realize I had and getting help changed my life. I have ways and methods taught to me to help me heal and moving forward i can say that I am to live this life to the fullest. It is my sincerest dream that you are able to as well. 

So, to you dear reader and to my younger self I say:

I love you.

I'm proud of you.
You can do this.

Lisa.