Monday, December 25, 2023

Pantheon for the Dark Priest book 1

 Black God - God of the Taboo: Madness, Chaos, Freedom, Sex, Magic, Death

Grey God - God of the dead: Peaceful ends, mourning, funeral rights, king of the spirit world

White God - God of the Moon: God of mercy & forgiveness, emotions, healing

Red God - God of War: God of battle, sword play, fury, and wrath

Brown God - God of Animals: Livestock & Farming, Game, the hunt, the Harvest, home, Prosperity 

Green Goddess - Goddess of life: childbirth & pregnancy, plant growth, goddess of the spring

Silver Goddess - Goddess of Wisdom: strategy, writing, travelers, adventure, weather, Winter

Gold Goddess - Goddess of the Sun: love, compassion, beauty, spiritual connection, music, Summer

Indigo Goddess - Goddess of Secrets; mystery, the unknown, shape-shifting, Language, curses, Autumn

Lilith  - Goddess of Feminine Power: Freedom, sex, personal power, bravery, individuality 


**Lilith is known to insert herself into pantheons and go where she damn well pleases ***


——————

More notes: 


Societal structure: 


There are two main temples (The temple of light and the dark temple)  - each with a “high” priest or priestess who is able to commune with different deities within that temple. However the ability to channel them is not a common skill; usually a high priest can only channel their primary deity. 

There is a shared space where all can come together for celebrations and rituals - “temple”

High priestess/priest - can hear/commune with multiple deities from their temple 

Priest/Priestess - chosen by a deity and able to commune with them 

Acolytes - people who wish to dedicate their life to the worship and service of a deity 


The lay person doesn’t know the name of a deity other than the color associated with them. Every person comes to temple at least a few times a year for holidays but many people come for a variety of reasons. 

High priests are always on site and always on the look out for budding priests/priestesses…

————


A girl is cast out of her village, a heretic, a witch for not following the prominent religion. A dark goddess speaks to her and helps her migrate to a neighboring kingdom. 

From there she stumbles into a host family and begins to live with them. One day she goes with them to temple; and she begins to learn their pantheon. 

One random random temple, with a potential war on the horizon the dark priest (high priest of the dark temple) from the capital comes Is invited to bless the troupes in the name of the Red God. A few people protest against him because he is actually a priest of the Black God and this particular village rejects that god completely. All are frozen in place by his spiritual power when he begins to channel his god, putting them in their place. 

Except her. Her dark goddess helps her resist. That’s the first time they meet. The local priestess then sponsors her to go into training to be a priestess herself. 

Once she begins schooling they begin to essentially do various methods to see what deity has chosen each new budding holy person as well as attempting to find out a base line power level of each. What abilities are more natural for them , etc. 

she is chosen by the golden goddess - she hears the goddess answer the prayer of someone whois in the temple near her and she felt compelled to speak the answer. But then in another test, her dark goddess helps her. So she is considered in the running for being a “high” priestess because she has the ability to commune with multiple deities. 

However there is pressure for her to choose light vs dark and she isn’t comfortable with it. Neither of the goddesses are asking her to choose; both of them happy to support her and empower her. So she is given counseling, different light and dark priests/priestesses try to advise her. This creates a lot of anxiety. She starts struggling. Her abilities are manifesting but without a teacher to help temper them and show her how to use them; she begins to feel a bit mad. 

But without choosing a side she can’t be given a mentor. Priests/priestesses learn best with apprenticeships. 

Her host family; her “sister” decides to try something reckless. As part of the training budding holy people travel around the kingdom visiting different temples - some specific to a particular god, some dedicated to several and deemed “light” or “dark”, some shared with both sides represented. The budding holy people travel so that perhaps they can find a mentor. 

While in the capital… the sister takes her to see the Dark Priest. The capital is the only city to have a dedicated temple to the Black God. He is considered the most powerful priest. Also considered one of the most profane and “evil”… he’s a cannibal. He practices dark magic. He is seen as a monster; but he is also known to be incredibly wise. Not all other holy people hate him; he has friends. 

Most hate him out of jealousy - he is able to commune with not just one or two deities but ALL of them. He can also channel his god, not a common ability. While there is much fear and disgust regarding the black temple and its high priest… he is also affectionately called the father of misfits. 

The acolytes are mostly run aways, criminals, or people who do not fit into the mold society tries to force on them. They have taboo and unconventional worship methods. The sister thinks for a time at least… perhaps being an apprentice here would help the main character grow her power. He is 100% on board and says “fuck the rules. Add your goddess to the shrine of dark gods. Why not?” Thus he literally carves a spot for Lilith into the official sacred tome in the capital temple. (And no one stops him because they’re all terrified of him. He *technically* just committed heavy but no one wants to fuck with the black gods wrath for messing with his priest) 

And that’s where it all starts. Her battle between her light and dark; processing trauma; self acceptance; healing; shadow work; seeing how love and rage can coexist; feminine power. 


(Spoiler alert; the golden goddess is fond of the black priest. She actually helps the main character through the “sister”. Sister is not an acolyte or a holy person. She’s actually atheist. But she’s a sensitive & takes direction really well haha).

Introducing the High Priest

 "I'm so lonely. You're not wrong... I am lost in the storm. I can't see past the dark clouds and I don't have my usual light houses to guide me through." The hot water continued to rain down on us and I was grateful, I was unsure if I could have met her eyes without the curtain of steam in the air. 

"What helped you before?" Her voice was soft, caring without the tang of pity that I had expected. 

"My gods. Even when I was lonely and lost back in my world, I knew I would be okay because I had them with me." I felt the sting of hot water in my eye. "Without them with me here, I have never felt so alone."

I felt a comforting hand on my back, I gave a small grateful smile in her directions, as she lathered my shoulders with soap. 

After a moment she spoke, her voice lighter, "Tell me about them. Maybe your gods are here, but wear a different name!"

I glanced over my shoulder, hesitant but hopeful. 

"Well... Theres a goddess, I see her as a goddess of prosperity and abundance, but she is a harvest goddess. Mother of the goddess of spring, and it was supposedly because of her that crops could not grow during the winter. Whenever resources were scarce she kept me fed and helped me find the funds to keep going."

"We have a goddess of prosperity, but she is of the spring herself." Raven's voice was thoughtful, "tell me more."

"I had a god of writing and knowledge that helped me in school. There was a 'dark' god who's name ironically meant 'bringer of light' that was very supportive of me and gave me the illumination of knowledge whenever I was doubtful. There was a cat like goddess of protection. An animalistic god who was about both chaos and balance, life and death via the hunt, and he really helped me stay true to myself and embrace my inner nature that I was scared to show." I paused when Raven made a small noise of recognition, but when she didn't say anything I continued. 

"Then there were the two dark goddesses I loved dearly. There was one who was a queen, she was all about stepping up into leadership, taking control, and owning up to my mistakes. Then there was...I can only describe her as divine feminine rage. She was all about personal power, sex, freedom from the control of others, breaking the rules and honoring the parts of myself that I was told were bad by others." I Paused again when Raven made a small sound, but she continued to bathe behind me without a word. 

"There were light goddesses as well. My patron back home was a triple goddess - she was a goddess of creative energy and magic, healing, and fire. She was a blacksmith, her fire lit the forge as well as the home hearth. She is probably why I am as kind as I am. She was my biggest guide. She is actually who lead me to the other light goddess that helped me with my ptsd...er... she helped me when the ghosts of my trauma haunted me. She was a love goddess, a goddess of beauty, a healing goddess - especially to people who knew sexual violence, and she was a fae."

"What was her name?" Raven cut in, her tone made my pulse jump.

"Aine." I whispered, my breath catching in my throat. 

"She's in our world. She isn't worshiped as a goddess, but she is uh... I'm not sure how to explain it. She is Physically in our world, she has a body - unlike our gods she does not need to possess someone to walk amongst us." I felt two strong hands grip my shoulds and turn me around, Raven's smile was infectious. "You're goddess is a living being here. Ancient, ageless, but living. I can take you to see her!"

Despite the hot water raining down on us my entire body was instantly covered in goosebumps. Even if it was just one, one of my goddesses was alive in this world. Aine. For a moment the years she helped me heal and the abusive relationships she saw me through flashed before my eyes. Would she recognize me?

"As for the others... we have gods that cover similar areas, but none that I know fit the exact descriptions. That being said there is one god in particular you should meet; and lucky for you... I know his high priest."

My head was still buzzing at the thought of meeting Aine I felt like I was floating, my voice sounded far away when I asked "Who is he?"

"Our Black God, he is a god of magic, chaos and madness, hidden truths, and dreams." There was a undertone to her words that brought me back into my body. 

"Are you scared of him?" I asked, intrigued. 

"We have dark gods... the Red God of war, the Grey god of the dead... but the Black God is perhaps the most fearsome. He is unpredictable, but something tells me that based on a few of your deities back home you may find comfort in him. If I had to sum him up I would say he is the god of the taboo?"

The gooseflesh did not go down in the heat, I placed a hand to my throat, touching Lilith's sigil pendant. She would not be unnerved, and so as I have many times in my life, I would draw strength from her, even if she wasn't with me here. 

"Lets do it. Take me to Aine. Take me to this.. Black God."

School Goals for the future

 Okay... so my goal is to be able to be a professor. I would love to be able to teach these subjects; intro and lower level classes for sure, but some advanced or niche classes if I can. 

  • Anthropology
  • Sociology
  • Social Sciences
  • Humanities
  • Folklore
  • Religious studies
The first step is getting my interdisciplinary MA Degree from University of Alabama; all online. This would take about 2 years. Starting in Fall of 2024; so I would be finishing up around Spring of 2025. That would have me with about 5 years left of my big loan I took out for the move - Which I will just absorb into student loans at that point because I am going to have to move for my PhD anyway. 

Which I am torn about because the whole reason I moved up here was to be with my mom. 
Unless I do an online/low residency Phd.  

Ultimately I want to be able to teach in 
D.C., VA, NC, SC, GA, NY, FL, TX, LA, MO (eh...), AZ (eh...), CA, or HI 

Some top contender  PhD Programs:
  • GTU (Graduate Theologian Union) - a group of schools that make up an accredited union 
          • https://www.gtu.edu/academics/departments-and-concentrations
    • PhD of Historical and Cultural Studies of Religion
      • possible concentrations:
        • Anthropology of Religion
        • Comparative Religion
        • New Religious Movements
        • Sociology of Religion 
    • PhD of Religion and  Practice
      • Possible Concentrations
        • Religious Education
    • The living for this option would be intensely expensive
    • The University of Chicago 
      • PhD of Anthropology and Sociology of Religion
        • https://divinity.uchicago.edu/academics/committees-and-areas-study/anthropology-and-sociology-religions
        • Would still be close to mom (3 hours)
        • Would have to find a modern issue from one of the classes to create a thesis...
    • University of Pennsylvania 
      • PhD Anthropology - Cultural Concentration
        • There's enough classes I think I could take that would allow me to focus on religion
        • https://anthropology.sas.upenn.edu/graduate/phd
    • Duke (yes... NC's Duke)
      • PhD Sociocultural Anthropology 
        • 18 classes
          • 4 required courses
          • 6  courses must be Anth seminars 
          • 2 non cultural anthropology classes (other anth?)
          • 6 electives? (up to 5 indep. studies) - bruh all religious studies i swear
        • 2 plans of study (due in spring)
        • 3 annotated readings required
        • MUST be fluent in 1 language
    • University of Minnesota 
      • PhD in Anthropology 
        • there are 2-3 different faculty that study religion in the anthropology department (important for dissertation) 
        • a minor is required! - yay religious studies minor
        • Language requirement is dependant on what the advisor says
        • https://cla.umn.edu/anthropology/graduate/degrees/phd-anthropology
    • Arizona State University 
      • PhD of Religious studies
        • Anthropology of Religion concentration
        • 84 credit hours
          • 3 core classes (9)
          • 51 electives (up to 6 credits of a related discipline [phil?])
          • 12 credits of research
          • 12 credits for dissertation
          • up to 30 credits can be transferred from a masters program!!? <3
        • Language requirement
        • https://degrees.apps.asu.edu/masters-phd/major/ASU00/LARELIGPHD/religious-studies-phd?init=false&nopassive=true

    Thursday, December 21, 2023

    Grad schools #1 choice

     Okay so I've picked the one school I really think I would do the best in and who's course catalog best matches what I want. 


    University of Alabama - INTERDISCIPLINARY MA

    https://online.ua.edu/degrees/ma-ms-in-interdisciplinary-studies

    Application deadline for the Fall is July but thats also when they disperse financial aid. So I will want to apply in January/February with fafsa so I can make sure everything is good. Once I start applying I will figure out how the letters of reccomendation can be sent in. I will ask Dr. Knox, Jack, and Dr. Weiland/Dr Mathews if she will have me. 

    I will wait to hear back on what are considered core classes but; if there are no specified core classes then I already have 16 different classes picked out, which if it follows the pattern of most programs then 10 is how many I would need - that includes at least 1 class of thesis ( Which means if I take a full course load, 3 classes a semester, I can finish my degree in 3 semesters; less if I take during the summer.) 

    I would opt to take the thesis route. 

    For my thesis I would want to do an ethnography of devotion to faith; I would probably cover monks, priests, rabbis, and Wiccan priestesses/priest through the circle sanctuary group. 

    What I need to get in:

    • 3 letters of reccomendation
    • Statement of purpose, which would also outline my chosen fields and why
    • Resume
    • Transcripts
    Cost: $440 tuition + $15 college fee per course hour
    $455 x 32 hours = $14560 so I will round that for coverage and say $1700 to include books.

    Financial Aid:
    - Fafsa ... good ol student loans
    - The Campbell–Ellis Endowed Scholarship 
    Classes I would take:
    1. Thesis  - 3 cr
    2. ANTH 519 Myth, Ritual, And Magic
    3. PHL 381 Philosophy of Religion
    4. LS 543 Traditional & Digital Storytelling
    5. ANTH 521 Ethnography 
    6. ANTH 538 Anthropology of Art
    7. ANTH 550 Probs In Anthropology
    8. ANTH 581 Anthropology is Elemental: Teaching Anthropology in Primary and Secondary Settings
    9. ANTH 600 Research Design
    10. ANTH 641 Culture
    11. REL 501 Social Theory and Religious Studies
    12. REL 502 Public Humanities and Religious Studies
    13. REL 521 Self & Society
    14. REL 523 Discourse & Practice
    15. REL 525 Identity & Place
    16. REL 565 Religion in Culture Applied
    I have a runner up school but I am not sure how well I could make it fit to my preferences. 

    Thursday, December 14, 2023

    2024 Money talk

     Alrighty. So the first few months of 2024 is going to be REALLY tight - they are saying not to expect bonuses Jan - March pretty much. But I am finding that in general we get $250-300 on average as a bonus which is like an exta $175 a month so thats what I will add to "income" because aside from the first few months thats what I should see in 2024. 


     income: $3087 + 175 = 3262 = 3260

    $1250 rent and utilities --> staying, unless maybe moving into Rachael's house? O.O

    $271 loan

    $75 (25 and 50) credit

    $35 payment for flight up there to look at apartments.

    $70 Joint membership - chiropractor - that can't go. quality of life. this is health care for chronic pain.

    $235 car payment - its debt but also equity so not bold. 

    $100 insurance 

    $30 internet (spectrum)

    $370 health insurance through marketplace

    $170 student loans 

    $200 groceries - need to be very cautious with this 

    $90 pets

    $17 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space)

    $10 humu medicine ($20 every other month)

    $150 gas (might have to ask for a little gas $ when I visit mom. OR will go down if i Move in with Rach)

    $75 savings 

    -------------------------------

    3148.... not by a lot but we are not in the red! 






    Math for pets:

    34 lb weight watcher blue buffalo last 3 months ($65)  = 22

    Dehydrated food (55 last 5 mo)   - 11

    wet cat food monthly 25

    dry cat food $20 for 2 months = 10

    Greenies 32 for 4 months  (if snow doesn't get into them and eat them ALL AT ONCE= $8


    Meaty bones = $20 (2 months) = 10


    ----------------------------------


    86... round to 90


    ---------------------=




    Starting in January I will need to re-factor. 


    1) Work will be a little closer, so hopefully that will help lower my gas a bit. 


    2) My health insurance will go up because my current one does not cover long term therapy. And... ideally I would like long term therapy. (more than 10 sessions or spanning more than 6 months)


    My new insurance will be:


    Anthem Silver Blue Preferred/Broad 4000 (3 Free PCP Visits + $0 Select Drugs + Incentives)


    POS - Plan ID: 79475WI0530017


    $370


    3) We will be getting better bonuses starting January (Feb paycheck) - currently all employees get an even share of 10% of that month's profits. Starting in Janu

    School... but what?

     I need to go back to school. 

    I keep coming back to it. 

    I know I want to be able to teach anthropology, folklore, religion, maybe literature. But i'm not overly concerned with contemporary issues in those areas - I'm more interested in learning about what exists and then teaching the foundations. 

    I keep bouncing from subject to subject... so why pick?

    What I need is a masters in interdisciplinary studies. (Anthropology & Literature as primary 2; Religion and Folklore can be worked in there additionally as needed or through those 2 veins)

    Now I find that most have limitations; these are some that I think could be possibilities:

    •  https://osuonline.okstate.edu/programs/graduate/interdisciplinary-studies-master-of-science.html 
      • all online
      • about $18K if I do the non thesis option. about $16K if I do the thesis
      • does not seem to have a limit on the disciplines mixed
      • 32 credits
      • Looking through the course list and there is not much related to what I want to study. 
    • https://online.ua.edu/degrees/ma-ms-in-interdisciplinary-studies
      • all online
      • I will know more after speaking with an adviser
    • https://www.uncg.edu/degrees/applied-arts-and-sciences-m-a/
      • next to no info on the website; however 2 disciplines: Humanities and Social Science
      • May be the easiest to get into 
    • https://degrees.apps.asu.edu/masters-phd/major/ASU00/ASINTERMA/interdisciplinary-studies-ma?init=false&nopassive=true
      • next to nothing is provided other there are 4 mandatory classes and 18 credits open for anything - to be planned with an advisor. 
      • No Anth classes as all. 
    • https://www.usd.edu/Academics/Graduate-Programs/Interdisciplinary-Studies
      • very interested in this one. Not any folklore or religion courses but I could see doing some independent studies and making something kind of like my anth of religion class from undergrad or  motherhood of god class. I could basically do my own curriculum in that field. Lots of options there and it would be predominantly research. I would basically act as if I was going to teach a class on that subject and do all the research and notes... then turn it in as my class lol. I could write probably about 100 pages of notes (not in paragraph form). 
      • Also has adult education as one of the disciplines I can pull from... so while I won't be able to do any internships or teaching assistantships.... I can take classes on teaching. 

    Most of these are 30-36 credit hours; 10-12 classes. That is easily split into 2 years if I take 3 classes a semester (which is full time for grad school). 

    My current job is the best job I could have while going back to school. I get home anywhere between 4-6 everyday. I go to bed about midnight. that leaves a solid 4 hours (lets face it. I'm going to need a few hours to decompress) to work on school, plus weekends. 

    I don't have many friends - I can count on one hand the number of friends I have made and I see each of them maybe once every other week at most, so I could maintain that. Plus school would keep me so occupied I wouldn't have time to be lonely. Plus if I am literally picking my classes and designing my degree it will be atuff that I am interested in and nothing gets my heart and mind going like learning things I am interested in. 

    And from there I will look into PhD's. but for now I need to orient my life back to what brings me joy. I need to get out of business and into academia. I have to. I will not be satisfied until I am and I need to find that joy again. Forget "practicality". It does not bring JOY or PASSION...and without that... its not living. Its just surviving. I want to LIVE. 


    Alternative; more practical degree that sort of plays off of my current masters:

    - https://www.goucher.edu/learn/graduate-programs/ma-in-cultural-sustainability/mission-and-outcomes

    In the rare chance that I manage in in person school this would be a good idea:

    - https://cfs.osu.edu/programs/graduate-options/gis-graduate-curriculum


    While I do my PhD... I could work as an adjunct professor. (They get paid SO poorly though so I will definitely need a roommate no matter where I live at that point in my life. unless I can get a stipend for living expenses) - I could pick an area of focus for the PhD... or I could do another interdisciplinary study.

    • https://grad.berkeley.edu/program-options/interdisciplinary/
    • https://socialthought.uchicago.edu/
    • https://grad.msu.edu/interdisciplinary-graduate-study
    • https://louisville.edu/humanities/graduate/phd

    Thursday, December 7, 2023

    Reflections cont.

     So what is it I actually want in a partner? 

    (I have also realized wording is important and so I have removed the word SIMILAR and put COMPATIBLE) 


    1) Compatible values- goals in life, goals in relationship, priorities  (this is where spirituality/religion, relationship type, specific personality types, etc, comes in I think)

    2) Nurturing/Kind - someone who genuinely looks out for those around them. Open mindedness and acceptance for others & genuinely wanting to know more/show appreciation.  This ties into the whole automatic sincere respect for others. (Which may be the difference between nice and kind to me, now that I’ve had it demonstrated.) 

    3) Communicative - I need someone who will talk with me. Talk with me about anything and everything. Talk to me about their hobbies, ask me about mine, tell me about their work, talk to me about their feelings - joys, fears, frustrations, and successes. 

    4) intimacy - this is way more than just sexual compatibility. This is about deep emotional connection. Being safe and feeling safe to be open and vulnerable and intimate gestures of trust and affection. (To me this is where kink comes in because kink to me is actually very intimate - regardless of whether it leads to sex or not.) physical and emotional intimacy. Closeness. Connection. 

    5) beauty - this one is harder to explain. Sure there has to be a level of aesthetic attraction, I need to find my partner beautiful and I need them to find me likewise; but there’s more to it. Beauty is not necessarily what is projected to others but something shared. Theres beauty in the little things. Beauty in life and being able to appreciate it. Idk. I really don’t know how to explain this one but in my mind it makes sense. 


    Reflections

     Alright so after Viking man and Airforce boy, I realized that I had a new turn on - being treated with respect. 

    The brief flirtation with the Italian guy made it clear there is a big difference between politeness and  respect. 

    While on this (work) vacation in Jamaica I realized another level.. sincere kindness and automatic respect to others. 

    I did not realize just how attractive it is for a person to not only give basic respect and politeness, but genuine kindness to other people as a default setting. 

    That level of warmth? Is that how I use to/ sometimes come off to other people? 

    I’ve been told I’m personified sunshine but I met someone on this trip that personified actual sincere and kind warmth. it’s magnetizing. 

    I don’t know if it’s a crush or not and honestly I don’t care either way, I just want to be able to hang around this person. 

    Saturday, December 2, 2023

    Romantic update

     Oh btw

    I don't have a roster. I still see Steven but only as a friend. 

    Its been over a month since I heard from (former) Priest. If he EVER reaches out I will be over the moon, but I do not put my life on hold for anyone. 

    I had a brief stint with an Italian guy Lilith encouraged but it just wasn't for me. He wanted to be chased and I don't chase. Plus there really just wasn't enough in common for any kind of connection. He was super interesting though, I'll give you that! Probably one of the most interesting people I will have ever met - which goes to show connection is mandatory.


    But anyway, nothing new on the romantic front. Still not hunting super hard, its not my top priority. But I def won't be doing casual dating. If I meet someone and I don't feel a possible connection in that first date, thats it. no more humoring people, no more giving someone 3 tries. 

    Just because someone treas me with respect (bare minimum) does not mean I owe them another date.  Just because they are nice and seem really cool - does not mean I owe them another date. 

    And tbh... I think I'm entering a more sapphic phase. I'm sure I'll return to a preference for men, but the preference has shifted a bit. 

    Ya mon!

     ITS HERRRRRRRRE

    We leave for Chicago on the bus this afternoon, then tomorrow morning super early, we fly out to Jamaica!! 


    With everything thats been going on, I know I know... I need to post an update soon; butt the biggest one isn't my secret to tell.....  I need this vacation. 


    I've been on my bipolar meds very steadily. I've been taking my new anxiety meds and actually it really helps. I'm now on birth control and so far the only symptom has been acne and a little weight gain. 


    I'm ready to be in the sun, be in the ocean, and just forget about responsibilities and life. 

    I am not ready to leave my pets though. at all. T_T

    Wednesday, November 8, 2023

    Spiritual growth tools

     So some things that can really help me with my spiritual growth -- work books and retreats. 


    One thing I want to keep in mind is that all religions have truth and helpful lessons. So Just because i may not identify with a religion doesn't mean there isn't something I can use. I drawn on buddhist practices to help me with my grief and runaway emotions, or my need to be a control freak, the buddhist practice of mindfulness has been an amazing tool. I honestly need to practice it more. 

    So some books I would love to get:

     - The coursework from OBOD - $25 a month starting in janurary

    - Shadow Self:A Reflective Journal for Personal Growth: A guided prompt journal for your journey to self healing and breaking generational curses

    - The Goddess in the Shadow: Lessons from the Dark Goddesses and Shadow Work to Harness Dark Feminine Energy 

    • Lilith - how to break free of your chains
    • The Morrigan - how to transform your life
    • Hecate - how to stay safe in the darkness
    • Sedna - how to deal with betrayal
    • Oya - how to clear away what is no longer needed
    • Kali - how to handle your inner demons
    • Baba Yaga - how to trust your intuition
    • Persephone - how to move between the dark and the light
    • Hathor - how to release your inhibitions
    • Pelé - how to release your rage

    - Shadow Work Journal and Workbook: A Compass for Navigating Self-Discovery, Embracing Your Shadow, and Conscious Living | 31-Day Journey of Self-Discovery

    - Self Care for Witches: The Art of Healing and Self Love through Witchcraft

    - Horns of Honor: Regaining the Spirit of the Pagan Horned God

    - The Book of Cernunnos 

    - By Oak, Ash, & Thorn: Modern Celtic Shamanism (Llewellyn's Celtic Wisdom) 



    Retreats:

    - https://bookretreats.com/6-day-reset-and-risemental-detox-retreat-in-caparica-portugal?searchId=37167571

    - https://bookretreats.com/3-day-shamanic-energy-healing-detox-retreat-in-virginia-usa?searchId=37167652

    - https://bookretreats.com/3-day-silent-meditation-yoga-weekend-retreat-north-carolinaus?searchId=37167652

    - MAYBE - https://bookretreats.com/4-day-yoga-meditation-homestay-retreat-chiang-mai-thailand?searchId=37167652


    Tuesday, November 7, 2023

    Baby steps

     okay and theres something I realized/got told this weekend when it comes to my spirituality. 

    If everything is levels and I am trying to get to level 100 (shaman level is my ultimate goal) 

    I keep trying to start at like... a level 10 because back in highschool thats where I was. That was my natural baseline before life got in the way. 

    But I can't start there because... well... I've fallen in skill level. by a lot. so I keep trying to hold myself to a standard that in't obtainable. so I get discouraged and the more discouraged I get the lower I fall. 


    So starting at ground zero... My magic is bardic and deity work. so lets go back to the basics... it started with dance, poetry, and prayer. This doesn't have to be full energy work or trance dance, these don't have to be perfect poetry spells, nor des this mean i need full length conversation prayers. 

    Just dancing for the joy of it. Little poetry diddys with small intention. Just saying good night to my gods. 

    from there I can grow it. but if I start at the minium... I can't get discouraged. and If it becomes a pattern, then I can start adding on. 


    But last night I included a little diddy in my petition for Brigid to bless my home and I immediately felt a difference in the prayer/manifestation. Thats where my power lies... in my movement, in my words, in my creation. 


    I just have to actually believe in myself. 


    that isn't acheived with leaps and bounds.. its done with reliable and steady baby steps. 


    Budgeting without the panic. (new health insurance info)

    To start, my bipolar epsiode had but my anxiety on a level 11/10. so, lets look at this in a more clear headed light. 

    Also I found out that our bonus pay shows up on the NEXT month's paycheck. so October gave me an extra $300 - which will show up on november's paycheck. 


     income: $3087

    $1250 rent and utilities --> not moving. we are never going to get this much space for this cost. 
    $271 loan
    $75 (25 and 50) credit - I transferred my sams balance to my lowest apr usaa card. 

    $35 payment for flight up there to look at apartments.
    $70 Joint membership - chiropractor - that can't go. quality of life. this is health care for chronic pain.
    $235 car payment - its debt but also equity so not bold. 
    $100 insurance 
    $30 internet (spectrum)
    $285 health insurance through marketplace
    $170 student loans 
    $200 groceries - need to be very cautious with this 
    $90 pets
    $20 10 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space) - I have to cancel my pandora.
    $10 humu medicine ($20 every other month)
    $160 gas (might have to ask mom for a little help when i visit; plus the office will be moving closer)
    $75 savings 
    $25 spiritual work book subscription --> a single reading a month would cover this. Just one. 
    $25 flight pass --- this is the only one I would pass on if i had to. 
    -------------------------------
    3081



    thats $6 left over max on months where we have no bonus. But.... that hardly ever happens. so. I can breath. 

    so this month will be tight but next month will be better. Because i'm also going to have to make monthly payments on my snow tires for the next 6 months. 

    so - $1000 bonus: $500 to Loan debt and $500 to saving. 

    bonus: 300 --> 100 to savings, 100 to checking, 100 to CC debt (25 and 75 per card). 

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Math for pets:

    34 lb weight watcher blue buffalo last 3 months ($65)  = 22

    Dehydrated food (55 last 5 mo)   - 11

    wet cat food monthly 25

    dry cat food $20 for 2 months = 10

    Greenies 32 for 4 months  (if snow doesn't get into them and eat them ALL AT ONCE= $8

    Meaty bones = $20 (2 months) = 10

    ----------------------------------

    86... round to 90

    ---------------------=


    Starting in January I will need to re-factor. 

    1) Work will be a little closer, so hopefully that will help lower my gas a bit. 

    2) My health insurance will go up because my current one does not cover long term therapy. And... ideally I would like long term therapy. (more than 10 sessions or spanning more than 6 months)

    My new insurance will be:

    Anthem Silver Blue Preferred/Broad 4000 (3 Free PCP Visits + $0 Select Drugs + Incentives)

    POS - Plan ID: 79475WI0530017

    $370

    3) We will be getting better bonuses starting January (Feb paycheck) - currently all employees get an even share of 10% of that month's profits. Starting in January it will be 15%. 

    Wednesday, November 1, 2023

    Move again

     I might have to move again because I just need something fucking cheaper. 

    I have come to really love this apartment and love the space but I need to cut costs anyway that I can. 


    I can cut the cost of gas (at least 160 a month) by moving closer to work. This would really help. 


    This one is a top contender

    https://www.maplegrovewisconsin.com/floorplans/

    looking at their standard loft. 

    THIS ONE IS RIGHT NEXT TO WORK. (although we are about to change offices)

    https://www.apartments.com/uno-terrace-madison-wi/7zpjx8z/#incomeRestrictionAnchor


    Budgeting updated and its not good.

     Okay so I have 3 big expenses that I am going to need that I need to budget for. Any monthly bonus pay i get must go towards my savings account for emergencies. Not these expenses.

    1) Starting in January I'll be  the monthly cost of the bardic training program  - $25 a month. If I can swing it sooner I would love that but January 1st is my goal; for the new year I will officially begin druid/bardic spiritual training. This is non-negotiable. ONE reading a month will cover this.  or 2 at a ridiculously low cost. 

    2) Frontier Flight pass - fly unlimited times and only pay for baggage - $2K upfront. Lasts Aprill 11 to May 2nd. - however flights have to be booked the day before... any earlier and theres a $40 fee. and no guarantee you can get the flight if you do wait for the $1 flight. oof. but then I can fly back to NC once a month and perform; which can get me 50-100$. The max I could put towards this a month is $25... This is less urgent although the crippling loneliness from missing my friends is definitely contributing to my mental health spiral. Not to mention I am teetering on the idea of a long distance relationship with a marine who lives in NC....

    3) Snow tires.... OI I FOUND SOME FINALLY

    MICHELIN X-ICE SNOW SUV - 225/65R17 106T XL 

    https://www.discounttire.com/buy-tires/michelin-x-ice-snow-suv/p/89216

    - about $850 for all 4. and includes installation. I need to do this during november. this takes priority.... offers a 5% discount for veterans. I can give Otis the money if he buys them for me... making them....closer to $625

    at the END of november I get a bonus. so I could dip into savings for the tires and reimburse myself from that. The rest goes towards my credit cards. 


    -------------------------

    My christmas bonus is $1000. there was no bonus pay in october and i don't think november is looking optimistic.


    Looking at my monthly expenses again:

    income: $3087

    $1250 rent and utilities

    $271 loan

    $80 (30, 25, 25) credit 


    $35 payment for flight up there to look at apartments.

    $60 Joint membership - chiropractor - that can't go. quality of life. this is health care for chronic pain.

    $235 car payment - its debt but also equity so not bold. 

    $100 insurance 

    $30 internet (spectrum)

    $285 health insurance through marketplace

    $170 student loans 

    $200 groceries - need to be very cautious with this. I cannot go over like last month. no more baking.

    $90 pets

    $20 10 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space) - I have to cancel my pandora.

    $10 humu medicine ($20 every other month)

    $160 gas (might have to ask mom for a little help for when I drive to come see her.. only like $10)

    $75 savings -- on months where I don't make bonus pay
    $25 spiritual work book subscription --> a single reading a month would cover this. Just one. 
    $25 flight pass --- this is the only one I would pass on if i had to. 
    -------------------------------

    I'm in the negative. 


    Math for pets:

    34 lb weight watcher blue buffalo last 3 months ($65)  = 22

    Dehydrated food (55 last 5 mo)   - 11

    wet cat food monthly 25

    dry cat food $20 for 2 months = 10

    Greenies 32 for 4 months  (if snow doesn't get into them and eat them ALL AT ONCE= $8

    Meaty bones = $20 (2 months) = 10

    ----------------------------------

    86... round to 90


    As is I can't afford to give snow flea and tick meds every month. 

    I can't afford therapy. 


    I can transfer my sams club credit card into my lowest APR USAA credit card to lower my CC payments per month by a little.  Looking into a consolidation program too. Just to see if I can find anything with a APR at 18 or lower so I can lower my interest rate each month ergo lowering my monthly cost. 

    I only eat one meal a day. I should be able to stay in the $200 range or less. 

    Sunday, October 29, 2023

    Priest notes

     Priest


    - Joined the military (Marines) because he needed to feel a sense of purpose, and protecting others sort of fulfilled this, it gave him a way to work with his hands, allow for travel, and live a structured life. 

    - Thinks the military is a good opportunity but that it has no place in high schools, it prays on the poor, downtrodden, and naive. 

    - socially liberal

    - Believed that certain guns have no reason to be available for civilians 

    - "A man of faith... that faith just expanded" --> I want to know more about this and what all he believes, practices, what does he wish to practice? What all has he experienced?

    - Has overcome addiction

    - Monogamous, but open to swinging. 

    - adrenaline is a yes. 

    and lets see how he reacts to the pen pal thing?


    because if this man was local I would absolutely be open to actually exclusively dating him. HOWEVER I am not actually ready for that. Luckily he is SUPER busy learning how to be a mid-flight plane mechanic for the marines and has like no time to communicate regularly. So I will see if he is open to the pen pal idea and get to know him that way. 


    That way I don't talk to him regularly enough to actually shift my focus from myself to him, but I can still get to know him so that if it works out where once he is done with these classes and training we do get to talk more... it will be more familiar and we can see how it goes. I actually havn't had this much interest in a person in a hot minute; like genuine interest. 


    and we've only had like 3 damn conversations. 

    Tuesday, October 24, 2023

    Mania pt 2 - calmer

     Fun fact - scalding hot showers can help when I get chaotic manic. 


    Today - I am still manic but in the very adhd, my thoughts are racing and I'm doing everything too fast I keep making mistakes kind of way.  I need to be careful because if I keep making mistakes, i'll stress myself out and it I get too stressed I'll either have a spike in the mania or I'll have a panic attack. 

    Time is moving too slow. I am moving too quickly. I cannot fuck this up. 

    Monday, October 23, 2023

    Mania

     In case you’ve ever wondered what bipolar mania feels like…


    For some it’s joy. Unbridled happiness. Endless energy. A sunny day even when it’s actually raining. Productiveness. Great ideas and creativity. 



    That’s the positive side. 

    Then there’s the negative side. 

    It’s like liquid electricity is in your blood. Like if you don’t find a way to appease that chaotic energy it will make your heart stop. How it makes everything go from 10 to 100. The intense craving for stimulation. Drugs. Sex. Alcohol. Adrenaline. Attention and being in the spot light. Seeking stimulating activities no matter how much it costs.


    And the very real feeling like if you don’t appease that electricity, will either kill you or drive you mad. The joy that comes with the relief when you find an outlet and the irritation, rage, and desperation when you can’t. 


    Back home I had friends that could help me when the mania hit. Usually it was mild and I was fine, but the rare times it would hit like *this* I had people to help keep me in line. 

    I don’t have that here.

    I am * this * close to drugging myself with Benadryl and going the fuck to sleep. 

    Sunday, October 22, 2023

    reflection on intimacy

    I had a sudden realization tonight.... and I think it makes me a bad person. 

    I have told people for a long time that as an asexual I want sex because I crave intimacy. 
    This is true. 
    However. 

    I also know that I doubt people's actual love for me, and if I can't be loved then I can at least be useful.. unfortunately I feel that one of my only uses is sex. 

    This is backed up in almost all of my previous relationships it seems. 

    But ever since viking man... and honestly before him I think... with this complex needing to be useful I have sort of used people as they use me. 

    I am used for sex... but I use sex to use those people too. 

    I say I have sex out of my attachment for others when in reality i use sex to foster the other person's attachment to me

    If someone is attached to me... they won't leave or abandon me. People care about and support those they are attached too. 

    This worries me because ever since viking man/Dalton I have not been able to foster a genuine attachment. (I had a brief attachment to airforce guy but that was simply because he was the first sexual partner to actually treat me with respect. I was attached to how he treated me, not to him.)

    I used to become attached to others easily. I was used. I was hurt. 

    Now? I can have sex once I'm comfortable with someone, even without emotional attachment. I can do this to cause them to be attached to me, as a survival mechanism. I feel guilt when I pull away, not because I am attached to this person myself but because I allowed them to be attached to me even though I knew I would not become attached to them. 

    (in terms of attachment I mean love. Platonic or romantic. )

    I don't know how to genuinely attach to others anymore. I can be warm. Affectionate. Kind. Supportive. And the entire time I am also able to completely walk away and never see that person again. 

    I crave intimacy. Intimacy comes from trust. It comes from attachment. 
    There are three people here in WI that I have become comfortable enough that if initiated I could probably sleep with. 

    I am attached to none of them. 
    I have not had sex with them. I hope that I do not... simply because I know that its almost like an empty promise. 

    I have become what I hate. Using people. Willing to use myself as a shield from loneliness and isolation. 

    Psychologically I understand the evolutionary logic - its a survival mechanism. Psychologically I understand the emotional logic - attachment has lead to nothing but pain in the past so my heart is encased in ice, walled off where it can't be touched. 

    I get the logic. But i also know that it makes me a bad person. 

    I don't know how to feel. 

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This is why I want my next actual relationship to have faith and spirituality as the cornerstone - not sex. In fact ideally I would want sex to be withheld for a while; even if genuine interest is there. Because once I sleep with someone it's like a switch is flipped and then the relationship just focuses on that. 
    Once the relationship changes focus, so does the emotions. I feel used. I lose my emotional attachment. 

    I may have a mental attachment. A mild emotional one if I have been with that person for a while, but it is less an attachment to that person and more of an attachment to what has become familiar. 

    I have reverted back to my old view of sex... it has become more of a tool for manipulation than anything. That is not how I want to view it. Being in love is how that changed last time, but being in love is how I got hurt and used. I am too weary of it to allow it to happen again. 

    One must connect to my spirit before they connect to my heart. Connecting to my body is too easy, and once someone does that they lose the ability to connect to my heart and spirit. But finding someone who will connect to my spirit first and foremost seems impossible. 

    For now I am left with this compulsion to be useful, my use being sex, as a way to keep people attached to me - even when I am not attached to them as a survival mechanism. I am now the user. I am now the villain. And I don't know what to do because I feel like once the moment happens I won't be able to say no. 

    Monday, October 16, 2023

    Panic attack

     okay so I had my first panic attack in almost a year. (sure anxiety attacks are almost a daily/every other day thing) but this was a full panic attack. 

    Like I had to fight the urge to hurt myself level panic attack (like scratch, bite, hit my head.... that kind of hurt myself. let's be clear - I AM NOT SUICIDAL - my anxiety just manifests physically sometimes. My forms of self harm are not all that dangerous - I simply deny myself food, drink, sleep, etc. and its only in small episodes that I can't control. I do not injure myself. I am not a threat to myself or others )


    Instead I called the telehealth people and she asked me a bunch of onboarding questions to help me calm down. It was still going on after the hour long conversation so then I asked my boss for benedryl to drug myself into calming down. She gave me some of her anxiety pills and they are starting to kick in finally.

    I'm not at a functioning anxiety attack level. Enough to start working even though my work day is supposed to end in like 3 hours... so now i'm going to have to work late. 


    But what brought this on? Lets make my brain think logically so I can shove the anxiety into a box and make it go away. 


    • I havn't fully acknowledged and coped with the stress of the move
    • I miss my community and support system from back in NC. I'm so very lonely
    • Trying to cope with the loneliness by going out and meeting people in psuedo date-hanging out-casual dates is actually making shit WORSE so I really need to fucking stop... but then i realize how fucking alone i am and i start the cycle over again
    • My sister had her baby and I can't be there anytime soon. 
    • My niece is named after my toxic younger sister (shared middle names. could just be they liked the sound of it. could be she considers herself closer to her. idk. ) 
    • Financial strain. I took a hefty pay cut when I moved and the cost of living here is a lot higher. I need to seriously consider finding a roommate and moving. 
    • I'm overwhelmed at work. I am actually starting to wonder if the maintenance workload really does require two people. 
    • I have basically been borderline off my fucking meds for about 2 months because i've been running out and didn't know when I would be able to get more. (thank the gods I got a prescription for enough refills to last the year from my new primary care doctor.)
    • because of ^ I feel fucking crazy. My thoughts are so jumbled all I want to do is stay home and not have to think about responsibilities. I fucking understand why having bipolar can be considered a disability. It is so goddamn hard to focus. 

    Let me repeat myself from earlier: I am not in any danger. I am not a threat to myself or others. I have not had a panic attack of this magnitude in over a year. I am under an incredible amount of stress all in a short amount of time coupled with the lack of proper medication. that is all. I am seeking help in whatever way I can. 

    I can't afford the online therapy; I am going to get counseling via telehealth every 2 weeks until I can actually see a psychiatrist. I will then probably see them twice a month; that is the max I can afford. 

    Tuesday, October 3, 2023

    apartment Master List

     Just a massive list of apartments on the east side that are reasonably priced to consider ever

    • Atwood Courtyard
    • Fair Oaks Apartment
    • Momona Lakes - no dw
    • Metro View 
    • SUNSET TERRACE
    • Jupiter crossing
    • The Landing On East Hill Parkway 
    • Briarwood 
    • The MEadows
    • STONEWOOD VILLAGE!!
    • Dale street apartments - mcfarland
    • Yahara TErrace (1 + den) 1400
    • Riverwood apartments

    Near theater - west:
    • VALLEY CROSSING
    • rock apartments
    • shadow creek
    • belnar apartments
    • riverbend
    • the fairways - chadbourne, the middleton (The Majestic; if roomate!!!!!!)
    • Towns edge (2 bed 1 bath)
    • Catalpa (with roomate.... shared bath)
    Other options that are very goof
    • Granite Ridge Apartments - 1 bed + den
    • RidgeCrest 
    • Village Green
    • Prentice Park!
    • The Ace apartments

    Sunday, September 17, 2023

    Held

     I don’t have the bandwidth for dating. I mean not with any actual emotional investment. Casual dates is about all I can muster and even that is taking more spoons than I feel like I can actually give out sustainably. 

    But my period hit. 

    And all I want is for someone to cuddle and comfort me. 

    I want someone to make me the crave foods.

    Rub my tummy/back from the cramps. 

    Give me little kisses. 

    But more than anything I just want to be held. 

    Friday, September 15, 2023

    settling in

     I'm starting to settle in. Dishwasher arrived today, I'll be getting it set up soon. 

    I just need to purge my apartment of all the empty boxes taking up the whole sun room and mud room. I think that will help me feel a bit better. Once I test out the heat, then I'll know whether I want to stay here or not. I'm honestly leaning towards a yes. I know I could find nicer places but this space is really growing on me and i love the yard for snow. I also like the area i'm in to be honest... although the amount of gas i go through is kinda tough. 


    I really just want to completely settle in. I want to nest. I want to make a home. 


    I'm craving something to feel familiar. Just to not have to be on edge all the time.  

    Sunday, September 10, 2023

    welp.

     well... that big-change triggered depression is sinking in. So thats fun. 


    First week of work flew by... has the potential to go really bad.. or really good. We will have to see. I like the people and the atmosphere but expectations, job roles, and order of operations doesn't seem to be super clear. 


    i'm on the fence about wether i want to stay in this apartment long term or not. Jack got me a portable AC which during a 95 degree day kept it at 75 in my apartment instead of 85. so it works well enough... but nothing compared to central AC and heat. Dishwasher is on its way.  but because i'm unsure I havn't had the motivation to finish unpacking... and all the boxes are contributing to the depression. 


    I want to feel settled. 


    I am also so tired of being on edge everywhere because nothing is familiar at all. 


    Monday, August 28, 2023

    snag

     Alright so we hit a snag, 

    We had to hire movers. And after that I got confirmation 3 guys i'll be working with volunteered to help me unload, so that should go relatively easy. 


    I will be moving in on Wednesday, not Tuesday. 


    I need surge protectors. the kind that also protects against overloading. because there are NOT enough outlets in the apartment....

    and without furniture it looks even smaller than I remember :') I may have to rearrange some stuff. 


    But. It will be okay. If I need to put the vanity in the sun room I can. If I need to put the book shelves in the living room I can. 

    However..... the portable dishwasher is gone. Which was the reason I chose the bottom floor over the top floor... 

    so things I now need to buy that was unplanned:


    - AC units --> 1 really good ones or 2 so/so ones.  I'll wait. summer is almost over. I'll get 2 box fans.

    - portable dishwasher --> new is close to $500... buy used facebook marketplace?

    - extra powerful surge protectors

    - 2 computer and screen power cables - extra long

    - 2 extension chords

    - a new TV since mine did not make it through the move. 

    Sunday, August 27, 2023

    Wisconsin night 1

     I am officially in wisconsin! 

    I'll be staying in a hotel tonight and tomorrow until the apartment is ready on tuesday.


    nervous. excited. 

    Saturday, August 26, 2023

    On the road

     Otis and I drove all the way to Ohio today, thats the half way mark. We will reach our final hotel tomorrow night.. stay there Sunday and Monday. Hopefully the apartment will be ready for me to move in on tuesday; and Jack & Kat, my new supervisors, said they would help me have a team to help me unload my truck! 


    I'm so nervous but so excited to get everything unloaded... because its going to take at least a full day alone to put together all my furniture T_T once its put together I'll be able to place them in the rooms they need to go. 


    First off will be my bed... but i strongly suspect that I will be sleeping on my couch the first night haha. 

    ....


    It still dpesn't feel real. It feels like i'm on some weird vacation and I'll be right back at work next week. Seeing everyone. Ellis. Star. Zack. Lexxie. People I saw so regularly... 


    Its going to be so weird to not walk 2 minutes and be able to knock on her door. 

    I miss her already. 

    Tuesday, August 22, 2023

    Playlist for the move

    Part 1

    - castle on a hill - Ed Sheeran

    - house that built me - meranda lambert

    - warrior by demi

    - dancing with the devil - demi

    - sober - demi

    - Angel - within temptaton 

    - are you really okay? - Sleep Token

    - because of you - kelly clarkson

    - Kiss with a fist - florence and the machine

    - Young god - halsey

    - Good old days - Macklemore

    - same love maclemore

    - young - kenny chensey 

    - fireflies by faith hill

    - Hallucinogens - Matt Maeson

    - Theif - Ansel Elgort

    - Toxic - Kehlani

    - At my worst - Blackbear

    - Granite by Sleep Token

    - Incapabale by Keyshia Cole

    - Tears of Gold - Faouzia 

    - Lose you to love me - Selena Gomez

    - sound of silence - disturbed

    - sunshine and summer time by faith hill

    - drag queen - Chris Housman

    - we are family ?

    - Lean on me - florence and the machine

    - Darlin by avril lavigne

    - The night before Life goes on - Carrie Underwood

    - Send me a Song Celtic women

    Part 2

    - Praying Kesha

    - Salt by Ava Max

    - Bite me Avril Lavigne

    - Beauty from Ashes - Celine Dion

    - Learn to let it go - Kesha

    - Rainbow  - Kesha

    - Tomorrow will be Kinder

    - You Learn -  Alanis Morissette

    - Hand in my pocket -  Alanis Morissette

    - This is me - camp rock

    - Thank you Next - Ariana Grande

    - Shake it off - Taylor Swift

    - What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

    - Shake it off - Florence and the machine

    - Torches - X Ambassador  

    Part 3

    - The circle - Blackmores night

    - Pronoia - Carly Pearl

    -  No tears left to cry - Ariana Grande

    - Beautiful by Christina Aguilaera 

    - Nothings holding me back - shawn mendez

    - Good to be alive - Andy Grammer

    - unstopable - no resolve

    - Rise by fame on fire

    - Confident by Demi rock cover

    - Try - Pink

    - The light - Disturbed

    - Jericho - Iniko

    Part 4 

    * Pick songs from the manifestation playlist the manifestation playlist*

    Monday, August 21, 2023

    writing exorcise

     She grabbed a charcoal and piece of parchment as the two of them made their way to the campfire. She tried to hide her unease as she settled on the ground, he gaze settling on him as he stretched out across an upturned canoe, allowing her access to view him in his entirety; his silhouette illuminated by the flames. In the glow of the light she really was not shocked to know he was an avatar for the god of war and death. Clearing her throat she put the char to the page and began to sketch him. 

    There were many things that brought the eye to attention when one looked at him, one was not sure which to focus on first. His face was somehow both sharp and soft, the features were definitive, but not chiseled. His cheekbones and jawline was narrow, while no one would dare to say he was not masculine, his masculine beauty was graceful; the same beauty one would find in a scythe rather than a battle ax. He had layers of ebony hair, while usually pulled up and out of his way, allowing his striking blue transfixing eyes to observe unobstructed, in this moment is hung down in a damp, freshly washed curtain. It looked soft, fluffy if one was bold enough to think the word in his presence. 

    Following the movement of his lithe body, one's gaze would follow the curve of this throat to the broad shoulders, modestly covered in a light black long sleeved tunic that draped over his tones muscles from clavicle to wrist. The cloth draped over his torso softly, yet hugged the curvatures beneath it in flattering ways. While his body was sculpted, his strength was deceptive. Should he stand next to a regular soldier one would assume he was fairly weak, yet his lean muscles held a scary level of strength that it was not uncommon to wonder if he were inhuman. If he flexed his arms his biceps would surely  pull the thin cloth taut, however in a rare moment, he was relaxed. His hands were striking, despite living the life of a warrior they were not marred by scars nor were his nails unkempt. His long elegant fingers were adorned with rings, one calloused palm flat against his perch, propping himself up lazily, with the other laying on his lap. His long legs, which were always confined to leather, were in a matching set of trousers of the same materials as his tunic, with the same ability to highlight the profiles of his body. 

    She forced her eyes not to longer over the form of his body longer than necessary as she completed her sketch of him. There was no mistaking it, he was a beautiful man, capable of amazing things. Horrifyingly amazing things. Yet it was not his proficiency in battle that made people fear him above all else, it was his divine aura. The sheer weight of his spiritual and mythical power could render people paralyzed, many falling victim to the compulsion of his will. She shivered, remembering the indescribable sensation of his aura settling over her in the courthouse, and yet... she had been able to move. She had defied him and in the moment of sheer will power she became a shield to those around her, his aura bouncing off of her like a wave crashing against stone. It was of little wonder that he had taken her as a hostage in the peace negotiations... when one is a living god it must be intriguing when a mere mortal is able to render him powerless. She didn't know whether to be honored, threatened, or exhilarated by his interest. She was serving her country, sparing a friend, and brought closer to this living divinity. 

    As she began to lose herself in the art, her thoughts began to circle around him, divinity, the awe inspiring energy that came off of him when he accessed his powers, and the irritating arrogant that came with said power. He was so beautiful, he was blessed, and yet he was the most insufferable ass. He had promised that one day he would have her on her knees before him, but she smiled to herself. The only one who would bow in worship between the two of them would not be her. There was an intense pull between the two of them, that was too obvious to ignore, but her will was as strong as his, and she would be damned if she ever fell to the feet of another man ever again in her life. If he wanted her, it would be him that took the knee, looking up at her in desire and admiration. Anything less than worship and she would deny him. She huffed as her finger smeared the char on the page to fit the curve of his abdomen, thinking how he viewed her in a similar way. Only this time, she would have the satisfaction of being the first woman - or person, it seemed, - to ever deny him his desire. 

    She was focusing on the fine details of this mouth, the curvature of his full lips, when a loud snap came from the fire startling her. As her eyes flew up from her project, his body was suddenly before her,. She gasped, as she had not even seen him move. His piercing eyes held hers, slowly trailed to her mouth, down her throat, past her bosom, and down to the drawing now sitting limply in her lap. 

    "Was I a good model?" He asked, his tone full of amusement. 

    "I suppose," she huffed, not wanting to feed his ego. "It will do more or less, I will work on the ballad should inspiration come. Although with you I doubt I will be so inspired." She pulled out her most unimpressed sneer, looking him up and down and scoffing. But he saw through her charade with ease. Taking her chin his hand, she felt her pulse jump. 

    "You know Song bird, I do love your sharp tongue. If you're a good girl perhaps I'll taste your words directly." His voice was husky, low enough to risk no one overhearing. Electricity shot through her body, making her insides jump, but she forced her eyes to roll. 

    "No thank you. I don't think I want to know what death tastes like." If he was Death, he brought out the opposite in her. Her entire body was alive at his close proximity. There was something about his aura, even when muted like this, that called to her. His connection to the gods, to divinity, to spirit... she wasn't sure if she wanted to absorb him, be engulfed by him, or simply cease to exist and fade into the unity she could feel at the outskirts of her own energetic aura where it met his. She had never fed on a divine being before, although the idea exhilarated her it also terrified her. His body was more or less mortal, as was hers, but she doubted a fae could stand against the power of a god. 

    But a part of her wanted to know. A hunger began to form inside her, her center beginning to heat, and she tongue flicked over her lip imagining the taste of his energy flowing into her mouth if she gave into him and kissed him. She stiffened. No. She would do no such thing; should anything occur it would be him who gave into carnality. She had gone years without feeding, she could go on for more. While his energy was tempting, and her soul called out to connect to spirit, she would settle for prayer. One does not need to fuck a god to connect to the divine, although the image plagued her thoughts. 

    As if sensing the roller coaster of her resolve, he chuckled and moved closer, breathing in her scent as he ran his nose along her jaw, making his way to whisper something into her ear. She fought the urge to shiver as his lips dipped down to her neck as he said something quietly in his native language. She pulled away from him, giving him a puzzled look, and relieved when he moved away himself. She was determined not to give in to him, but her resolve was beginning to pool between her legs the longer his body was so close to hers. 

    "Good night Song bird," he said casually, a leisurely wave of his hand as he turned his back and walked back towards the center of the camp. She huffed again, shaking her head, and returned to the portrait in her lap. She had a rough outline of him, enough that she could embellish and create the details from memory. She had the strongest urge to draw in shadowy scenery around him, to draw his raw magical power dripping off a narrow aura in waves of ether. One day she would drink that ether in, connect with the divine spark within her own soul, and she would break free of the mortal cage she was bound by. 

    Soon she would be free, but he would have to come to her, on his knees with his palms open in offering. She smiled to herself at the image and went back to work, her fingers smearing the black powder deeper into the pores of the page. 

    Friday, August 18, 2023

    Manipulated.

     This weekend was supposed to be a light hearted weekend of relaxation and celebration. The weekend after the most stressful two weeks at my job. The weekend before my big move. The weekend of my sister’s baby shower. 


    And 30 minutes away from the airport, after driving an hour with no time to change plans - my aunt drops a fucking bomb on me. Cara is coming. 


    For anyone who doesn’t remember Cara is my younger sister that I have gone no contact with (other than wishing her a happy birthday to prove I remember she exists and I don’t hate her). She is a venomous, arrogant, entitled cunt that I cut out of my life about two years ago because I had enough of her verbal abuse. 

    She took any and every opportunity to trash talk me to anyone who would listen. INCLUDING MY FRIENDS - who naturally told me every time she did this. She not only spoke ill of me, but actively wished and celebrated the idea of my failure and misery. 

    She all but said that regardless of YEARS of therapy, medication, emotional and mental growth and maturity, that I was a walking threat to myself and society that could go off at any moment at the slightest inconvenience. Over something I said as a hormonal teenager with untreated bipolar. 


    In front of a guest. 

    While eating food that I MADE for her.

    While I was HELPING her by watching her asshole of cat even though he almost sent mine to the ER because her bad life decisions weren’t his fault. 

    In MY home. 


    And you know what I did? I waited until she left, sent a polite but firm text saying that she would not ever speak to me like that again. So she started BRAGGING to people that I picked a fight with her and she was going to cut me off “to teach me a lesson” as soon as she got her cat from me. 

    And when she picked up her cat and started in on me, I actually stood up for myself. She called me a bitch and left with her cat. As soon as she was gone I saved her the trouble of blocking me, I blocked her and removed her from my life in all ways except for phone number in case of a life or death emergency. 

    I could no longer tolerate such a blatant and hateful person in my life. Cutting her out was the best thing I had done for myself in a long while. 


    And then. With no warning, although people were aware that she and I were no-contact, I get tricked into spending a weekend trapped with her. 


    And nothing has changed. She is still nothing but condescending, taking any chance to speak to me like I’m beneath her and stupid, jumping at any chance to make me seem foolish infront of others, and continuously passive aggressive. I couldn’t make it through a single fucking day without wishing I didn’t ever have to see her again. 


    And that was after I was stupid and actually worried about her while we were traveling. Offered to help her with her carry on bag. Tried to make sure she wasn’t totally alone or left behind. 

    She’s just fucking mean. 


    And I was manipulated into having to be around her again. I was robbed of my last weekend I could have spent with friends that are supportive and kind, and who I very well may not ever get to see again. 

    If I had been told she was coming then I could have weighed the pros and cons; maybe I would have decided a weekend with her miserable ass was worth seeing my sister carrying my niece. Maybe I would have decided, as I very much wish I could have done, that - no I was not going to put myself back into a situation where I am never at ease or comfortable, constantly disrespected and belittled, And decided to attend the baby shower virtually. 

    At the fucking least I would have been mentally prepared to put up with her. Instead I get to bite my tongue to keep the peace, save face so that no one else has to be uncomfortable, and just seethe. 

    And wrestle with the fact that someone i trusted blatantly manipulated me.

    Great fucking weekend. 

    Wednesday, August 16, 2023

    its almost here.

     Its almost here.


    Tomorrow is my last day of work. 

    Then I will fly out to missouri to see rachael. 

    Come back sunday. 

    I'll try to have all of my packing - including my shrines (i'm so sorry) done in about 2 days. 

    • Shrines
    • "office" books 
    • dry food goods 
    • any condiments that won't go bad
    • pots, pans, silverwear that I intend to keep
    • Coffee mugs and cups I intend to keep
    • All my bathroom stuff.


    I need to get my bed carried over to Lexi's

    Day of the loading of the uhual i'll see if anyone will help ellis get the washer and dryer. 


    The last 2 days (wednesday and thursday) I will try to say good bye to a few more folks that I know won't be able to make it down to my going away/uhaul loading party. 


    To be honest. I have so many emotions  not even making lists is helping. All I want to do is cry, if only to relieve the pressure all the emotions is creating inside but I can't seem to do it. 

    My eyes water and burn but no tears will break the surface. 


    I might explode. 

    I have my last therapy session tomorrow. 

    Maybe I'll write everyone goodbye letters tomorrow. 

    Yeah. I'll bring my laptop to work with me and write letters for everyone and hand them out/email them to folks. 

     

    Wednesday, August 9, 2023

    fae look after their own

     So last night I was in a potentially very dangerous situation and my host of friends warned me, and quite honestly pretty much saved me. 


    I can post in more detail later, but moral of the story: I will never doubt that I am looked after ever again. 

    Monday, August 7, 2023

    updating financials

    What I have already done:

    - gotten tires and car work up

    - new kitchenery (silver wear, pots & pans since mine are on the way out)

    -bought my bed, by bedframe, air purifyer, vanity, bathroom storage

    The roomba can wait. 

    What I have towards the move: 8,000


    To be spent:

    - $1800 U-Haul truck

    - Movers for 2 hours: 400

    - hotel for travel $500

    - Food for travel $200

    - 1st months rent - $1200 (September)

    - 550 to USAA

    - 150 to sams

    - 600 initial grocery run (I will need to rebuy all my condiments.... plus stock up on safe foods)

    - 500 gas

    ----------------------------

    5800


    So...

    If I were to buy 

    - another cat litter furniture

    - Biromantic Ace Pride Flag

    - New TV stand so that I can put my current one in the kitchen as additional counter space

    - Movie storage cabinet

    - New knife set because mine was cheap and they are all rusted

    - Day bed and Mattress (and comforter)

    - Mirror for room

    - Temu order (5 fleece lined leggings, boots, a black bodysuit I can wear to work, and a kahki blazer)

    - living room rug


    Thats an additional 700


    6,500. Which still leaves me with a little wiggle room when I get there if I want to buy more groceries. 


    Once I move in and can measure things I will need to buy:

    - Privacy Curtains because a shitton of windows... --> 80

    - Winter clothes(tobagan, under armour, gloves, neck warmer, Parka, fleece lined jacket, long boots) --> 240

    - Snow tires - can't find???????


    Should leave me with about  1150 give or take left in savings. 



    Packing

     Also.... I have packed the decoartions and nick nacks in my apartment. I have packed 90% of my clothes

    I have packed all of my recreational books. I have packed all my movies. 

    But whats more? Even if I had not packed any of it... It would still take me less than 4 days to actually pack everything. So, now I don't really have to stress about getting packed in time. 


    All thats left really:

    • Bathroom
    • Dry food goods
    • The kitchen stuff I will keep (glasses, coffee mugs, air fryer, coffee station)
    • "office"
      • notebooks
      • writing books
      • computer
      • screen and keyboard
    • bed spread and sheets
    • finading a way to give lexxie my bed and frame... I'll sleep on my couch after that. 
    • Shrines.... to be packed day of. 

    Hell week...

     Hell Week Round 1 is behind me... 20 hours of overtime and 3 days of piss poor sleep. But the majority of the vendor turns is done. 


    Hell week round 2 should be less stressful. 

    We have mattresses that can be done today. 

    Appliances done tomorrow along with any furniture swap. 

    Wednesday we have couches... and making the sparkle master list (and typing it out). 

    Thursday we Do final wipes/sparkle. F

    riday we finish final wipes/sparkle. If we finish early we can start move in condition reports.... 

    Saturday: Final walks, move in condition reports, Named door tags, and making sure the move in bags are complete. 


    The only super late days should be Thursday and MAYBE friday. 


    That means this week I should be able to go see Meg 2 with Lexxie - and maybe talk to me with Lexxie and Hannah <3

    Friday, August 4, 2023

    Pet care delima

     Alright so.... 

    PetCo. If I enroll my pets in it I can get:

    - 20% off cat litter and special discounted pricing odd items

    - $20 credit in the app to use if I go to a regular vet and scan in my receipt (mind you; it would be an hour drive for the vet...)

    - reward points on every purchase (good for treats and toys?)

    - $15 rewards to use every month --> can help pay for the cat litter...... help humu medicine?

    - extended life of rewards points

    - 20% off grooming

    -$30 off pet boarding (twice a year)

    but its either 23.99 per pet each month... or over $600 for the year for all 3... 


    but that saves about 20$ on cat litter every month. so saves $240 for the year. 


    I would also have a 10% discount on the deyhdrated food for Snow. Buy the 10lb fish box for her, and a smaller box of the chicken one to alternate with and that should honestly last a year.....


    The membership itself would pretty much pay for the cat litter... but I would be losing money in the end based off the memership fees. Because thats $25 a month for the cat litter vs $50 in membership fees if I enroll humu and snow. But I might also be able to get humu seen and medicated more regularly?



    If his meds are $50 a month already.... thats $600 for the year.

    If I could get him cheaper allergy meds and that could reduce his sinus infections? Might be able to lower that cost?


    Things to think about. 

    Monday, July 31, 2023

    Try

     I will TRY to be better at blogging ... after I move. 

    For now thinsg are so stressful at work with turns, the ever quickly approaching deadline to pack my entire life into boxes without breaking down and crying...


    My time with saying goodbyes is almost over. 

    My time to pack is almost over and all I have managed to do is give away most of my perishable food, pack up some books, pack all of my clothes, and cry. 

    I have so much to pack. I have so much to buy in preparation. I have so much to do. 

    and so little time. 


    But, as lonely as I will be when I move, I know damn well talking to the non existant readers online will make me feel better and less alone lol.


    So imagenary readers - I will be doing more blogging and updates in  my life...

    after I move. 


    in 3 weeks. 


    fuck. 

    dancing

    I havn't danced just to dance and be silly in a long while. 

    I also havn't felt sexy while dancing in a long while. 


    I don't feel sexy when I dance burlesque because I am not really aiming to be sexy - Burlesque is art to me. I dace for the art. 


    But for the first time in a very long time I danced around my apartment in just my bra and undies, with my belly hanging out, and I was able to get past my body issues and feel sexy in the movement of it all. 


    I may struggle with my body...

    Struggle at upkeeping it.

    Struggle at feeding it. 

    Hydrating it. 

    giving it exorcise despite really enjoying physical activity. 

    Sleeping enough. 


    Pretty much anything. 

    but I especially struggle with loving it. 


    Tonight I did. Even if only for all of 10 minutes. 


    it was nice.


    writing smut (Kelpie smut)

     So i do not usually read smut. I recently started and for the most part i still get the ick with a lot of it, but there are certain styles of writing sex that I do enjoy. 


    I use to write smut on commission back in middle school for crying out loud. 


    Well... I broke. I started writing it lol 


    Here is a very cringey first draft of a detailed outline for a love story... I had this kelpie character in my mind and i figured he deserved a happy ending. - MIND YOU this is a rough draft, with lots of typos and spelling errors. I introduce characters that I know in my head without writing their introduction. I have names picked out for characters that I don't have listed. This is more or less notes for me, but i figured I would share them. 


    1. Introduction monologue

    2. Recognizes kelpie… kelpie vs water horse/each-uisge…. Fresh water vs salt water? Lakes vs running water?... “It comes down to their faerie form. Kelpies retain their sentience while in horse form, and can maintain a human form for far longer.” Kelpies can be negotiated with, their favor earned, their hearts won. Kelpies are shape shifters, comfortable in any state. Water horses are beats who can take human form for a minimal amount of time and remind beasts driven by hunger - especially when in water. 

    3. Catches kelpie bridal → 3 tasks/commands

    4. PTSD flashbacks when all alone – first command. After that the Kelpie remains. 

    5. She has her faerie faith outed by an ex, he laughs at her for believing herself to be faerie souled. She tries to defend herself, embarrassed, turns and sees the kelpie pissed. He defends her, “a sweetheart like her requires steady maintenance…and you don’t look like the type to put effort into anything worth while. But don’t worry, I’ll take great pleasure in maintaining her.” But his eyes are flashing, She assumes hes angry at her and quickly grabs her keys and leaves. Later Anna calls her and they talk about what happened after she left - Kelpie was pissed, not at her, but at HIM. talking about drowning him, but doing it slowly. Watching the fear in his eyes.

    6. Anna shows up and she talks about a memory of feeling abandoned by her people, about the maiden at the clearing of the little creek she took care of. Now in hind sight she feels as if the maid had been reaching out to her as much as she had. Part of her feels sad, imagining this beautiful faerie reaching out to her crying crumpled form, neither able to touch the other. Kelpie confirms - it is actually quite hard for many fae to interact with humans through the veil. She is horrified to know he had been there the whole time listening and she actually runs away. (she is drunk) Then avidly avoids him like her life depends on it. Anna runs interference but because of it, she and kelpie actually start to forma  budding friendship. 

    7. She ends up walking a night trail by herself, sitting at her “happy place” and sings to the spirits of the river.  Kelpie shows up and sits with her, both their feet in the water. He confirms that she is fae souled, he picked up on it the day after his first sleepover in the car, when she lifted her human glamour for him. She talks about what being human is like, comparing his human glamour to her real body. She starts to cry as she shares what he already suspected - her human body offers no protection the way her fae form had in the past. Sexual harassment was part of her life. She lived in constant fear. He confirms what she suspects - they are always around her. Not able to touch her. She cant see or hear them. But they are always there, watching, guiding, listening. He tells her how they spoke to him as she slept, their love and concern. They too worried for her safety whenever someone would catch her eye. There were a few she brought home and they could smell their insincere intentions. Their fierce protectiveness driving those people away. She cries and apologizes. She had been secretly overwhelmed ever since she found out her fairy faith had been real.

    8. He hangs around for a week longer, and to his dismay he finds out she has no intention of using any more commands anytime soon. He offers all kinds of ideas and suggestions, she just laughs and at one point tricks him into doing something for free. They bicker, and he mostly just observes her. 

    9. After a few weeks some of HIS friends end up showing up. Mix of human and fae. Her inner fae comes out and feeds on the energy, it turns into a borderline orgy. The only one she doesn’t kiss, infact, is the kelpie. Although she imagines its his hands touching her. Its his voice whispering into her ear. He does however, make sure she is satisfied by commanding the orgy. 

    10. Next morning she is hungover, asks kelpie for help as his blood purifies poisons. He goes to kiss her, but pulls back and asks if it will be one of her commands. She backs away and says no, slightly disappointed because she found herself wanting the kiss. He says “what a shame” and pulls her back and kisses her anyway - without curing the hangover. She is left breathless and flushed, the inner faerie in her alive and wanting to feed. He notices, pulls her tight against him, feeling him at attention, makes her want to feed like crazy. He taunts her, “You so readily give your energy when you love, but sweethearts are takers. When do you take?” It snaps her out of it like cold water, remembering the last time she openly took from someone. He pulls away and says “i don’t want to hurt you.” and flinches when he reaches for her, walking away to get ready and leave - leaving him flabbgerhasted. 

    11. She avidly avoids him some more, anytime she is near him she taste his energy and wants to feed. Sucking his breath into herself and absorbing his energy. Sucking him until he is just about to cum but denying him the satisfaction and reveling in the power. He seems irritated at her when they do meet, and part of her is sad at the perceived rejection. PArt of her is relieved. 

    12. Raven intervenes - She admits to raven that she tends to drive her lovers insane; they atart out decent and while with her they descend into monstrous men - driven insane or abandoning their humanity. Raven reminds her they were mortal men. That Kelpie wasn’t lying when he said he would take great pleasure in maintaining her… That just as she let them take from her energy when they would go down on her, she would hold herself back when going down on them, she opened herself instead of took when fucking, with him she needn’t worry. She could take all she wanted. As often as she wanted. 

    13. She has a very stressful day at work, She and Anna go out dancing, and she begins to feed on the excess energy of the room. She gets drunk on it. So when Kelpie shows up, swimming in the sea of people, she latches on to him and starts feeding - dancing, teasing, flirting. His eyes are flashing and at one point he actually bites her. Breathing into her ear that he wants to eat her - taste her on his tongue until she is screaming. Ashiver goes through her - excitement and fear - as his words could be both a promise or a threat. When she locks eyes with him, she can’t tell which meaning holds the most true as she stares into the most base instincts within him. She taunts him saying a swim did sound awfully nice. His nostrils flar and his eyes flash again and she pulls away. He grabs her tightly and grows in her ear, exhilarating her and again she feels a slash of warning. She sighs, and says “Perhaps another night.”  He presses himself tightly against her, his hand trailing down but he pulls back. Whispering “I will swim in your sacred waters, sweet heart. But not until you ask.” - in scottish - “Snàmhaidh mi anns na h-uisgeachan naomh agad, Leannan, ach dìreach às deidh dhut iarraidh orm.”

    14. He shows up in her room that night, pinning her down, kissing her exposed flesh, nipping. He kisses her through her pajama pants, then trails up to her breasts through her tank top. She is panting, wanting to take his energy again, to suck it directly from his breath. He moves against her, firm against her and she writhes under him. She whines and pulls his face to hers, he hovers just above her lips. “ Use your words, sweetheart.” he commands, firm, his handsliding from her inner thigh, up her body, tightly over her throat to grasp her jaw. “Kiss me” she breathes - and he does. They feed on eachother multiple times that night. Him, never running out of stamina, out of energy, and her hunger never being satiated after so long of starving herself. Finally, with her body spent, she falls asleep, still dreaming of claiming his lips. 

    15. The next morning she is aware now that she only has a single command left before Kelpie disappears. She is hurt that he seduced and manipulated her, but she doesn’t blame him. He was not the first to be beguiled and She is all too familiar with the feeling of being trapped, and it hurts her to know that she has him against his will. Yet she hurts at the idea of him disappearing from her life. She takes the kelpie with her to the pool, they play, and flirt, and she sees his instincts rise in the water - amongst other things. Sitting in his lap, enjoying the feel of him and soaking in his lustful energy, She asks him earnestly, if he wants to kill or fuck her. He says his instincts say to do both, but his momentary softness towards her makes it easy to ignore the homicidal voice. Although he isn’t sure if its because she holds his bridle, she has bewitched him, or if he may have a genuine attachment. She asks if he intended to kill her when he is free. He answers honestly - at first yes. Now, we genuinely didn't know. It would depend on how he felt when the time came. For now, he didn’t mind being domesticated, and begins to play with her under the water while she sits in his lap. He works her up, she maintains a poker face and it irks him, so he flips himself out through his trunks and sits her down on top of him, she bites his hand to keep from moaning. He gets her off, with his hand while he simply stays deep inside her. And for the first time, he almost cums himself. 

    16.  Pulled into conversation, her friends now mixing with his, they all sit around a campfire, on the banks of a river. More lore is brought up, asking her what she knows of her own nature, of her former form and abilities, how they translate now. She diverges from some hardship - feeling isolated, missing the sense of connectedness with spirit and nature around her even if she wasn’t a nature spirit. She laughs and explains her deep love of water and how in her next life she would be a mermaid. Anna laughs, and says “maybe a selkie… or a kelpie? You have always been a closeted horse girl.” Kelpie acts surprised, almost disbeliving. She shrugs and says she has always found horses to be majestic creatures, you can smell life and heat on their skin,her kelpie.  and to her they made her think of wild freedom. 

    17. She goes for another nature walk, singing to the nature spirits around. To her surprise… she sees a horse. Thinking about their previous conversation, she calls out to it thinking it to be her kelpie. It neighs in response and comes to her, a stunning white animal with a soaking black mane. Knowing she holds his bridal and he cannot hurt her, even in this form and being more instinct driven, she reaches out and pets him. To her horror, the horse looks back at her, and its eyes are wild. Not the cool calculating blue of her Kelpie, but a ghostly grey. Her hand is stuck and it begins to drag her to the water. She knows she is done for. These beasts do not even wait for their prey to be drowned before they begin to eat. Icy terror fills her and it pulls her into the water, only for a roar to shake the world around her as a black stallion rises from the waves, atop the each-uisge and she is drug completely under. Something hits her head, and she is grateful for the  inkinesss of unconsciousness so that she does not have to feel herself drown. 

    18. She wakes up to find Kelpie over her. He is bloody, His eyes wild. She groggily looks around and to her horror, sees a white body floating in the water. He forces her eyes away, his hands bloody and grip rough in his anger. “You had one command left. You should have called me to save you. If your watcher hadn’t been with you and summoned me you would be DEAD” he grows in rage at that and jerks to his feet. He paces in a rage, and comes back to her. “Get out of my sight.” His voice is cold and dangerous. Still in a state of confusion, but instinctual fear dousing her like water she asks “what?” “Get. out. Of. my. Sight. Before I do something I regret,” His voice is a growl, but his tone is almost husky. His eyes are flashing and she doesn’t know which of his instincts is winning the battle. Doing her best to calm him, she stays perfectly still. “You won’t hurt me. I have your bridle remember?” He gives a ferocious sort of laugh, almost forced. “You don’t think I could drag you into the water myself and force you to use that last command to save yourself?” His eyes are dangerous as he suddenly storms towards her. She yelps and tries to move back but is caught in his grip. His eyes lock onto hers and she he’s made up his mind. “I could… but I won’t. I will punish you another way. You wanted to ride so bad? Then fine.”  He is suddenly atop her, his mouth on hers, and his hand going up her skirt. There was no ounce of lust in him, no energy to feed on, this was cold and angry. Yet her heart ached enough that with just a single touch from him, she knew she would willingly give him anything, everything. He could fuck her until his anger subsided. With a rouch swipe of his hands, his nails sharp like claws, he tore her underwear to ribbons, then to her surprise hauled her to her feet. His transformation is quick, so quick she blinked and missed the most of it, as before her now stood a sleek and beautiful black stallion. “Get on” he commands, his voice sounding in her head. She eyes him nervously, her eyes drifting towards the carcass that had mostly disintegrated to foam in the water. “Get. On.” His voice is more forceful, but was accompanied by an unspoken promise that whispered to the back of her mind that she would not be killed tonight. She stroked his mane as she approached, his whole body shivered at her touch, and his blue eyes locked onto hers as she lost the urge to kiss his soft nose. He snorts impatiently, his ears flicking back momentarily. “No amount of sweetness will save you from this punishment. Get on my back. Now.” There is a dominant’s edge to his command and she finally obeys. He kneels for to her climb upon his smooth back. Once atop, she winds her hands in his main, noticing kelp in the strands. She goes to adjust her stance, as her body was too open and pressed too tightly to his, her legs sitting too far apart to ride comfortably - but her legs are stuck to his fur. “Kelpie…?” She asks, but its lost to the wind as he suddenly springs into movement. He gallops hard, his muscles flexing under her…. Against her… Her legs are stuck but her left her bottom free to move, free to slide up and down against him as he runs. With both horror and excitement she realizes his intent, and soon she is begging him to stop as she feels a climax building. He does not oblige. He continues to run, run until his rage subsides and her forced squeals of pleasure turn to whimpers of overstimulation; satisfied with his punishment he finally slows. Her entire body weak, she suddenly lets out a small cry as her legs are unstuck from his side and she falls off, only to be caught in his arms a moment before hitting the ground.  He lays her gently in a clearing, of soft green grass and clovers perfuming the air. “You’re going to hurt in the morning” he says, half in warning and half in a primal sort of pride. She whimpers as he kisses her forehead. “Don’t ever scare me like that again” his voice is both soft but firm. She nods silently, not wanting to admit that she would rather have died than use her last command and risk losing him. Almost as if reading her mind, he whispers in her ear, “You are mine.” He trails kisses from her fingertips, down her arm, down her collar, between her breasts, whispering “mine” between every kiss. Gently he pulls up her skirt, his hands begin to gently massage her legs, and her now sore hips. “Say it.” He growls hungrily under his breath, poised and waiting to begin kissing the overstimulated and throbbing bundle of nerves and the fae in her wishes she could growl back. She swore long ago she would never belong to anyone again. “You are mine” she breathes, gripping his hair at the base of his neck at the scalp and forcing his face up to meet hers as she leans forward. He lets out a low moan that sends electricity down her entire body and turns her insides molten - “Thats my girl” and then he made good on his promise to eat her alive until the night was filled with her screams. 

    19. She looks at the sleeping fae beside her, the moon reflecting on his pale skin. She sighs sadly, slipping his chain from around her nack and laying it gently on his chest. She wipes a tear from her eyes as she gives her final command, “Be free.” Her chest aches knowing this would be her last sighting of him, she blinks away tears not wanting to miss a millisecond, burning his image into her mind. “Be happy.” She follows up, not a command, but a wish. 

    20. Weeks go by. No sight of him. Although her ex did suddenly develop a fear of swimming, according to the grape vine. She begins to speak more to the spirits around her, sad that she cannot see or hear them talk back, but hoping they were happy at her acknowledgment. Anna continues to talk, and start to date the half elf from the Kelpie’s friend group. No one has heard from her kelpie… the kelpie. Her kelpie. She continues to walk along the river, singing, more for him in case he was listening, than to the water spirits in general. She enters her masters program and dedicates her life to the study of faerie folklore. 

    21. Its been nearly three years, Anna and Frederick are happily engaged, Frederick having more and more awkward moments around her, as if he was dying to tell her something he shouldn’t. Until one day she calls him out on it. He recounts an old story of a kelpie…who was put to work for 5 years before being freed. He gives her a pointed look and is pained when she doesn’t follow. But then to her surprise… she starts seeing the message repeated. She draws the 5 of cups in her tarot reading when asking what message the spirits had for her. The number five begins inserting itself into her life and she finally comes to her wits end. Until she thinks she understands - her fifth phd program applied to sends her an acceptance. She moved down to NC; Anna and Freddy in tow, for a phd in folklore at duke. Once there she finds a path and follows it, to a beautiful bend overlooking a river. As she watches the water she sends out a hopeful command: “Kelpie… hear me.” The wind seems to be silent, as if waiting with baited breath; “Kelpie… come back to me.”

    22. A moment passes and she releases a gust of air she didn’t realize she had been holding, the wind follows suit. With a sad sigh she rises to continue her walk. She shrieks and about jumps out her skin when a familiar voice shouts “IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH”. She spins around and sees her kelpie. She laughs in disbelief - cut short as his lips slam into hers. “You were really going to make me wait the 5  feckin’ years for your damned ‘be free’ command to abate.” He kissed her again, his hands crushing her against him - “You dropped this, sweetheart” he murmurs softly against her smile. She doesn’t even have to look to know his silver chain has returned to her throat. “Kelpie.. Kiss me.” She commands, and he happily obeys again and again. 



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