Reflections (on TWO topics)should be 2 or 3 short paragraphs (per topic) that engage some of the following questions: What surprised you in this week’s readings or practices as particularly interesting or curious? What confused you? What resonated with you?
Week 1 Reflection:
To me, spiritual direction/companionship is what I do naturally throughout various interactions I have in my every day "secular" life. Spiritual companionship, to me, is being able to find the spiritual in everything (especially ourselves) and being able to help others do the same in order to foster a sense of connection to the spiritual/divine self through active listening with empathy, creativity, and loving communication. Spiritual companionship is forming connections with others without judgment, meeting them on whatever level and with whatever language suits them. Professionally its a long term relationsip, but I believe it can happen in a 10 minute conversation over a bonfire or during an hour long tarot card reading in a coffee shop. It can be done with athesits or satanists through the lense of honoring the authentic self and living in honest authenticity, it can be done with any established formal religion, and it can especially be done with anyone who has any sense or awareness of the spiritual. It is about walking side by side with people on their journey for however long Spirit/The Universe/Fate/the spirits/ancestors/the gods has intended.
My questions about spiritual direction/companionship in general are roughly dealing with the business side of everything. I am mostly concerned about how to find long term clients, as most of my experiences have been single instances or inconsistent meetings. I am also interested in how to establish Spiritual Companionship as a workplace program, what are the logistics? How does one go about forming a personal practice business wise? How possible is it to do spiritual companioning as a primary career? I am hoping to essentially start a "street spiritual companionship" business in the form of a mobile sanctuary that I take on the road to various festivals and gatherings around the country (with a tiny brick and mortar location for when I am not being nomadic). However, to get to that point I need time and experience under my belt... and that is the part that makes me nervous. How does one forge a career in Spiritual Direction? Is there a way to be a chaplain who specializes in spiritual companionship as opposed to liturgy?
My questions regarding myself as a spiritual director/companion fall into cocerns about experience and exposure. I was first introduced to indigenous spirituality at a young age, was taken away from that and raised baptist, although I dabled in UU as I got older. As a teenager I found paganism and made a home there - although, naturally not in any established group. I know that getting ordained is almost completely out of the questions, and I am very concerned about how hard that will make finding a job and clients. I am also concerned about my lack of exposure to some of the major religions, such as Judaism, and how I have just a foundational level understanding of Busshism, Taosim, and Hindusim. (The later of which I was hoping to learn more about in seminary school and have found that will not be the case.) There are so many religions out there that I feel inadequate in my knowledge. That being said, I thrive amongst the "spiritual but not religious" folks, or even the "not religious" who think they are not spiritual but actually are. I just don't know how to approach them, as it has always been they who approach me. I carry a lot of insecurity over my lack of formal experience and lack of deeper knowledge of the different faiths out there, despite having a never ending love and curiosity of beliefs and folklore. My attraction to the alternative faiths has put me at a disadvantage when it comes to the larger faiths.
Week 2:
I will start off with a breif explanataion. I particularly seem to focus on how the "secular" world is infact, very spiritual. My reflections will somtimes involve taboo or unconventional means of spirituality. If this makes you uncomfortable, I sincerely apologize. Also, the primary reading for this week got me very fired up, so this reflection is longer than what the rest will be in the semester (most likely).
The concept of spirit and will is such an interesting one, especially with chapter 1's focus on surrender. This resonated with me but also left me feeling a bit... odd. Like I somehow agree with him and disagree at the same time without being able to fully flesh out why. The idea of surrender, needing to do so, in contrast with having to be in charge all the time in most of our lives is so very natural and common that I can't help but wonder how much the author would benefit from learning about the kink community. That may seem like a hard turn in a random direction, but I personally find that there is a very big connection and gateway between spirituality and kink. If there were to be a ven diagram between the two you may be surprised to see how much overlap there is. The author talks about feeling conflicted over the need to surrender, when it comes to bdsm and power dynamics, there is a deep acceptance and love that comes from surrender. Kink teaches that there is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to surrender, and that in doing so you are embracing your authenticity and honoring yourself. That being said, I do not feel as though surrender, spirit, and will are truly at odds with eachother. So on one hand, the presence and desire for both taking control of our lives and the desire to surrender are present and natural for most people - I do not see this as a great war to overcome. It can lead to very beautiful and spiritual experiences.
Where I go know I disagree with him for sure is his concept of willingness and willfulness. On page 6 the author says that "Willingness notices this wonder and bows in some kind of reverence to it. Willfulness forgets it, ignores it, or at its worst, actively tries to destroy it." He talks about willfulness as only a means of opression and selfishness. This is incredible narrow sighted and a very limited view of willfulness. Willfulness is where bravery comes from. Willfulness is where justice comes from. I would even argue that willingness is where passivity comes from, where fear and acceptance comes from. Spiritually speaking, willfulness is where healing comes from. As a witch, in which I define magic and witcraft as the art of changing consciousness and outcomes in alignment with Spirit and will. This involves an understanding and appreciation for the wonder of the world, and activley engages with it. Its the beauty and healing of the soul and the world around us when done right - witches coming together to exert their will and send rain to the amazon when it's on fire. People combining their wills to pray over a sick child. Transmutation of wine and bread into the flesh and blood of a martyr in order to obtain spiritual renewal. All this is will and all of this is good.
An example of this "Yes, but..." that the author brings up in regards to willfullness, is when I knew I needed to move to wisconsin. I immediatley said "yes" to this calling , but it was going to be on my terms. I had to choice to move immediatley or I could stay to help my job through the busy season. I chose a lower paying job which allowed me to move later and it ended up being the best decisison I could have made. Yes, I will accept the plan Spirit/The Universe is enacting, but I will do it my way. It honors one's own sacred divinity and to say that doing so forgets, ignores, or even destroys the wonder of being part of a cosmic process is insulting. Our wills can heal as much as they can destroy. We are neither good nor bad, in the same way divinity is neither good nor bad. The Christian God is just as cruel as he is loving. We cannot know divine will, we can only accept what we can discern and then do our best - within our own wills and means.
What the author fails to do in my opinion, is talk about balance. Being too willing leads to just as much destruction and being too willful. To have all of one and not the other leads to either cowardice or a lack of empathy. You can accept your place in the cosmos and surrender to the fate and outcome meant for you... while simultaneously willing the road to be less bumpy or more pleasant along the way. You can manifest desires and pleasure, while stilla ccepting that life will not always be rainbows and sunshine. You can surrender to sorrow and accept the bittersweetness of knowing it can serve a a purpose or inspirtation - while also lighting a candle in the hopes that it will spare someone else pain or spare yourself from further pain. You can surrender to the law your state passes banning abortion, while manifesting the law be overturned. Its all about balance.
Week 3:
I really liked how the Addison Breitman reading on Jewish Spiritual direction defines the practice: "a contemplative practice through which people companion one another over time as they reflect on their spiritual journeys and expand their awareness of the sacred dimensions that underlie the ordinary and extraordinary events of life. Through reflection, spiritual practice, study, and response, seekers are encouraged to cultivate their inner lives. The guide's function is to help seekers discern the spiritual direction of their lives, to recognize how the Source of Life might be calling them to greater meaning and growth." This is exactly how I see spiritual direction/companionship. It is all about reflecting on one's journey, learning and expanding contemplative awareness, and discerning where one's sacrament with the sacred is leading them in life. I have also really felt insecure about my lack of formal training, despite having served in a spiritual companionship role many time in an inconsistent manner throughout my life. This author's definition made me feel a bit better though, as she says: "a guide might be ordained or may have completed a training program in spiritual direction. However, the guide's main qualification is to be receptive and 'see to his own interior life [through] prayer and meditation, since you [can't] give others that which you don't have.' Ultimately, the guide's main role is to help nurture intimacy between the seeker and God." She goes on to describe what a spiritual director does, primarily to help the directee foster a relationship with the divine through helping them see it within their every day lives. I prefer to work with those on the outskirts of religion, identify as spiritual but nor teligious, or even those who consider themselves as non-religious because they are the ones who usually seem to be more aware of their own natures, and possess a particular contemplative awareness; they just lack the vocabulary to express it. Everyone is able and has a direct relationship with the divine - even if that makes them uncomfortable (pg xix) - and many just need assistance in shining a light on it in a way that makes it easier to undersrand and accept. I plan to do this by focusing on self expression, personal soverignty, and sacred authenticity. This leads into the reading as it explores a person's ability through their own individual providence and how one can connect directly to God. This really intrigues me and I find myself interested and wanting to learn more about Kabbalah and jewish mysticism.
I will however, bend to the power of a shared sense of spirituality. Breitman says, on page xxiii, that "There can be no community more genuine than one that grows around a shared love of God." In this she was talking about how a shared love of God allowed a Rabbi to act as a spiritual director to both jewish and non-jewish students - that shared core value united them enough to be able to direct and help eachother. I would say this is true, even amongst those who do not have a "love of God." To some it is merely the God language; they may say "love of love" or "love of the sacred"; they may abandon religious talk all together and sayd "love of the universe" or "love of truth." There is still a connection to be made amongst the shared desire for sacred knowledge, understanding, and connection - wether that involves God speak, spiritually charged language, or even profane/mundane language that speaks to the core of who a person is. Without the larger sense of communal parallel and similarity through language; a lof of people feel isolated or like they have no community to which to explore their deeper questions. That is where I feel interfaith, humanist, or alternative spiritual direction can really come in handy.
The second topic I wanted to reflect on is the reconsgtructionist view of God. In the short reading "God as Source of Comfort" Jacob Staub says that "when we save ourselves and repair the world, God is the Power that enables us to do so. We are God’s partners in the world...we know that God is only as manifest as we make God." This is a very cool, ground-of-being type theology that I wish I could hear more about. It is very humanist in the sense that God is present when we live in love and justice; it is our own hands that do the saving. I personally feel very similar. I descrobe myself as a penenthiest and a polytheist; I believe in a unifying force - "Spirit" or "The Universe" - that makes up all things including our own spirits and the gods. That Spirit can influence and be influenced by our spirits; which is how manifestation, prayer, and witchcraft work. In essence, Spirit makes us and we in turn - in connection with Spirit - make the world in which Spirit is also made. Its a feedback loop and if I am understanding the reconstructionist view; is not too far off from this jewish line of thought.
I find this really encouraging, as being inexperienced with other major religions outside of Crhsitianity is a major insecurity of mine. This is not the first time I have found myself intrigued and hearing similarities between "Spiritual but not religious" type views and Judaism. I am really interested in learning more about reconstructionist Judaism and how it differs from Hasidic Judaism in practicing Kabbalah. There is a hint here: " I believe in God because I experience God’s Presence: in the murmurings of my heart, in relationships with others, in study, in prayer, in moments of insight, in acts of love, in community solidarity, in moments of birth and death, in the creative process, at sunset." But then the author follows this statement up with saying that this is the purpose of religious communities: through conversation with those that share values, God's presence can be confirmed through loving kidness and compassion. Then there is the friction of compassion for the world vs conpassion for self. "The reluctance of Reconstructionists to experience God’s comforting embrace as palpably as God’s ethical passion is then not caused by our theology but rather by our values. We value helping others more than helping ourselves. We have high standards, and we are hard on ourselves. We are not so good at acknowledging our imperfections and forgiving ourselves. So we imagine that God is like us." For those without that community, to remind and and extend us compassion in return, spiritual direction emerges as an option.
What strikes me, and perhaps acts as a block in my ability to help others, is this need for forgiveness. Seeking forgiveness from the divine is something the reading revolved around and is also a huge facor in Chrisitian religion as well. It is one of the driving factors that confirmed that I was in fact not in the right place when seeking a religious home for my spirit. On one hand from this Jewish perspective, i God emerges from loving relationships and actions then to sin and need forgiveness would come from where we fall short of being perfect in our loving compassionate relationships with the world. Seeking forgivness from other people makes sense here. Seeking comfort from the divine is something I am familiar with, but seeking forgivness is not. I have heard about it my enitre life and yet it still feels alien to me. I do not know how I would best be able to help somone if they feel reprenant and seeking fogiveness. This is something for me to chew on.
Week 4:
This week we got to look into more basic information on Spiritual Direction/Companionship. One of the key topics that caught my attention was the questions: "What is the difference between a spiritual director and a spiritual companion?" Back in Week 1 where we were exploring the SDI website, I had come across this question before and I was pleasantly surprised by the answer. I already knew titles in this field were a matter of preference but I didn't know that there were so many options. Infact, when I saw Anam Cara I about jumped out of my seat as that was a potential name I considered for my future Spiritual Care company/non-profit/mobile sanctuary. This really resonated with me because I find myself resistent to the term "Spiritual Director" as, to me, it seems to command a sence of authority. I do not see myself as any sort of spiritual authority, but rather a guide. Much in the similar ways I see the gods, as powerful teachers and companions, I do not see myself in a heirarchy form when it comes to talking to people and connecting with them in spiritual matters. "Spiritual Companion" has a much better feeling to it, for me, as I simply wish to walk beside people in their spiritual journey and help them realize what is already there.
The second topic that made me want to cheer when I read it, was the article on Spiritual Knowing. This is something that really resonates with me through my personal practice, known as "Claircognizance" or what my Shamanic Leader calls "the sixth sense". In the article the author says that "The Knowing may take place in a brief, spontaneous altered state of consciousness, or simply by an abrupt, strong flood of thought..." I call these "downloads" and have personally found them to happen in the days following a shamanic jouney or during an altered state while reading divination cards. Sometimes they come as messages through music. The strongest one I have ever experienced, which came not from any deity or spirit (to my knowledge) but directly from Spirit/The Universe and had the biggest impact on my life was the knowledge that my mom would have cancer. That very same day I put in 3 month notice at my job and began to make plans to move to Wisconsin. Within 3 months of moving up there my mom was diagnosed with cancer (and is currently cancer free!). These can be smaller, but profound experiences, or they can be the catalyst to something life altering.
Week 5:
When it comes to accepting that we don't have all the answers, we don't control the timeline of those answers, and that answers are not always straight forward and tangible, it seems like a simple truth to accept but its more of a bitter pill to swallow. "But when we open our hearts and minds to receive and welcome truth beyond our reckoning, serendipity and synchronicity become part of our every-day experience. Into open hands, into open hearts, blessings fall." This is such a poignent point, its such a challenging mindset to acheive but once done it has a way of changing one's entire outlook on life. I ended up learning this lesson myself, although it took 2 whole seasons worth of shamanic workshops. Ever since then I have noticed a signifigant reduction in my anxiety, a growth in my level of observation and occurances of synchronicities in which the universe/Spirit communicates, and a stronger sense of my own spirituality. As the web page describes it - my "intuitive attunement" grew. If I had found my spiritual director sooner, perhaps I would have been a much less stubborn student - although my shamanic workshop leader was a very big help. I definitley understand why this skill and perspective is a very important one for spiritual companions.
I also really liked the questions posed on the "We Listen for the Essence" page because it is not religious or overtly "spiritual" to the point that non religious and atheistic persons could still find them relatable; which is a key element for me. The topic of intuitive attunement also has a secular application - science has proven that there are natural cycles and networks within nature and the world we live in. We are part fo that natural world, although we forget it. This can be how "non-spiritual/religious" and humanists could use spiritual direction. I will be sure to include this in my developing elevator pitch.
I was also really struck, and a little uncomfortable as I know this is something I struggle with myself, at the study's numbers on attention spans and a lack of skill in listening. I have found that I myself am uncomfortable in silence, as my brain (ADHD) is constantly spinning and seeking stimulus; but that I also contantly speed up that stimulus to get the satisfaction of completing whatever I am doing. Thankfully, when it comes to listening in person I am much more attentive; but by not seeing listening as an art, the way the reading explains it, I can distinctly see how a lack of listening has impacted my personal spiritual practice and ability to connect to the divine on my own. Its made me a bit ashamed. My question after this reading is: how do we better learn to listen, not to people (as that part comes easily to me), but to the divine itself? Listening is needed to foster connection to others, if I cannot do so in my own connection to the gods and spirits, how can I help someone else to do so? This is a signifigant flaw I will have to address with my own spiritual companion.
The second topic I want to touch on is in regards to Hospitality:The Heart of Spiritual Direction. In the introduction the author, Leslie Hay, explains the working definition of hospitality in context to spiritual direction as a "welcoming presence". I do not want to get long winded but I want to touch on what hospitality is for me, as my patrong goddess is Brigid, and hospitality is a core pillar of her domain and worship. I also want to provide my experience of hospitality as a welcoming presence because it is how I found my own spiritual director, last semester.
My own personal definition of hospitality comes from the typical example of opening one's home and sharing one's resources; to me I personally would add that this is done out of loving kindness. If this is done without loving kindess, for the sake of societal pressure, then it is not hopsitality, it is obligation. Brigid, both in her celtic goddess form and her catholic saint form, is incredibly tied to the practice of showing hospitality to others - especially as a form of healing. In this way, hospitality applies to spiritual direction and my own practice by sharing my biggest resourse: my energy and time. There are days where I do a tarot reading because a client has asked and paid me to do so; it is obligatory and leaves me tired (although I will add this does NOT mean I am resistant or that the reading is any less valid). Then there are days where someone asks me for a reading and I feel a swell of energy and compassion, I do a reading and find that I am not tired afterward and the sense of hospitality that overcame me allowed me to fulfill what was needed without detriment. There are days when listening to someone talk and social interactions drain me... then there are conversations, usually when discussing spirituality, that the opposite happens. I willingly and freely offer my energy and time to another to discuss what is going on in their spiritual journey, or I share something that applies to their question or ccurrent challenge, and the conversation leaves me feeling satsifaction, fulfilled, and energized. When I act as an actual companion, I engage in hospitality, and find my spirit is left with a sense of peace - especially if I am able to provide peace to another.
Hospitality as it will be applied in this book, based on the introduction, is through a welcoming presence. I wanted to share a brief experience of this, as I was able to find my spiritual director due to this presence. Last semester, during the fall, I took a class called "Understanding Ritual" - a new pagan based course that was offered on a trial period. It was lead by someone who worked for Cherry Hill seminary (an uncredited pagan semianry) and was the first cross over with UTS in what will hopefully be a long standing partnership moving forward. This professor immediatley gave off a welcoming, loving, and non-judgmental presence. He was soft spoken, everything said or expressed seemed to be done with intention and his tone of voice seemed to invite others to speak and be heard. I was immediatley put at ease, felt encouraged and seen when sharing my own experiences, and to my surprise felt validated when I shared an example of a practice that I thought was silly. Without even saying a word, his expressions and body language told me I was welcome as I was, that I was seen, and valid. His loving energy was what I aspire to have.... and then I found out he was a spiritual director. I reached out, as I had been debating getting a director for myself for a little while, and after an intro session to see if we were a good fit, we had our first session as soon as the semester ended. It was his energy, his very presence, that made me feel comfortable, safe, and cared for (as a person or soul in general) and is why I picked him to be my spirtiual director. He oozed hospitality and kindness. I truly see and understand why hospitality is something to strive for and provide when connecting with directees.
Week 6
For week 6 I will be reflecting over a few things from The Art of Listening in Healing Way by Jmes Miller, that really spoke to me. Aside from some beautifully written quotes that I will be referencing for the final paper, I was very intrigued with the tension between “drawing someone close” and keeping distance at the same time, as well as the concept of listening with a “third ear” and with the soul. I also really liked the emphasis that the author placed on self care throughout the book as well.
To start, I thought the author did a fantastic job at describing abstract concepts such as drawing someone close through body language, tone of voice, and through genuine connection transferred through the aura person has. Miller didn’t use the word aura, but throughout the page he writes out distinct examples of the atmosphere a healing listener should create through their sincere love of humanity. “I am a person; I hold that nothing human is alien to me.” It creates an aura that relaxes the person speaking and makes them feel safe and accepted. You are a good living example of this. However, in the very next page the author covers why it is important to maintain distance from those we share sacred conversations with. On one hand this was in reference to physical distance so as not to make someone uncomfortable in a face to face meeting (which gets explored further on another page in regards to listening with one’s face), but also an emotional distance.
While empathy is very important, keeping a distance helps prevent the go from bleeding into the conversation as well as removes the risk of projected expectations of friendship on either participating party. The listener should not expect to have a strong friendship bloom from a meeting and the talker also understands the intimacy of their connection through the sacred is limited to a specific context. I feel like this will be especially pertinent in my future practice/ministry. Although I am bound to have regular repeating clients and some inconsistent returns, I expect most of the clients that I meet with will be single time conversations. These will be no less intimate and important, but it does create a sense of distance and release of emotional responsibility that I would probably carry towards those that I see on a routine basis. As my spiritual director described it, this distance will both “release [me] from the duty and responsibility of tracking someone’s progress but also deny [me] the beauty of watching that progress unfold.”
The book talks about how strong relationships form over time, and I am perfectly comfortable with being the random encounter that makes a lasting impression on a person’s view of their place within the divine reality we live. I don’t need to see the long term affects, as it will all depend on the person themselves. I love the idea of being at the right place, at the right time, for the right person and nothing more. I plan to exist where the cross of “drawing someone close” and making them feel like the most important person in the world exists with maintaining a distance in the relationship. The second area I want to reflect on is the concept of listening with the third ear versus listening with the soul. I do not disagree with either concept, but find myself confused on how they differ.
I was originally going to write about how I use “the third ear” when working with a particular divination card deck, but then I read the page on listening with the soul and found myself torn. I had thought that listening with the third ear, much like seeing with the third eye, was another way of speaking on claireaudience. But the way that listening with the soul was written, it also read like a description of claireaudience. I suppose my confusion might stem from my belief that you listen with your thor dear by listening with the soul, so have them separated threw me for a loop. But I also very well may be misunderstanding one or both of them and the author meant it in a totally different way!
My last reflection is more of a note of appreciation. In multiple places the author makes sure to put in instruction that acts as self care. He mentions the importance of listening to one’s inner self, both as a way to make sure the ego doesn’t bleed into a session, but also as a means to make sure that we as listeners are actually doing okay. He says a few times how draining this work can be and it is important to take care of ourselves. That is why he also says it is important to make sure we set time boundaries and also maintain a healthy distance even as we serve through out strong sense of empathy. This not only benefits the people we listen to, but helps prevent burn out so that we can actually continue on in our work.
Living semi-nomadically and traveling with caravans of nomads and setting up shop at various festivals and fairs not only helps me to reach a community I feel is drastically underserved, but is also acts as a way to help me take care of myself and recharge. Stopping to stay at natural parks and getting to marvel at the natural world as I travel through them act as a means to help myself recharge. Getting to enjoy the festivals and fairs themselves allows me to enjoy sacred play and feed my own soul. It will be very important that while, yes I am going to need money to survive, I am doing this for Spirit - setting time aside to make sure I am enjoying life is just as important as serving the souls I come into contact with. I will definitely be keeping this book with me for the future to come back and remind myself the importance of self care without guilt. Thank you for having us read it!
Week 7
I am struck by Rabbi Eilberg's story in her book's introduction about her being a supervisor for a German chaplaincy CPE student. In it she shares that her family was directly affected by the Holocaust, as a result she and her family activly avoided anything to do with Germany. She even found herself wondering, anytime she met someone who was German what their family was doing during such a dark period. She acknlowedges that this is a bias, emotionally understandable, but she was aware of its unfair complications as well. Even though she understood not all Germans and their families should be held responsible for what happened, she held an internal generational trauma that gave her an instinctive bias. I want to commend her for her awareness and how she spoke to her own colleague about being afraid it would prevent her from opening her heart to the student. When she did have the one on one conversation a lot of healing took place - she was able to listen and connect to him on a soul level and see the loving person he was. She was able to hear him and he heard her, within him he carried his own generational trauma over the Holocaust. Luckily, peace was found within them both and they were able to form a bond and carry on.
I will reveal something about myself that I am not proud of... much in the same way Rabbi Eilberg carried (and may still carry) the fearful bias against German people, I carry a fearful bias against Christians. This bias and fear is the first thing I feel when I meet someone and they mention they are a Christian - even here at the seminary school. This is probably not surprising as I know a fair amount of us students here at UTS have religious trauma, but also surprising because anyone admitted here would obviously not be as harmful as the Christians I have been traumatized by. UTS is a safe place. Logically I know this, just like logically the Rabbi knew not all Germans supported the Nazi party, but the first thing I feel is fear and mistrust. Instead of getting angry or avoidant, I find myself masking. I make myself smaller, softer, I make my tone more casual and less direct. I make myself not a threat, less of a target... that is until I get to know my classmates and my bias is proven wrong.
Take Regina, in our class. The first time I heard her mention how she struggled with her son being queer, I instantly regarded her as someone who was unsafe to be myself around. I avoided talking with her without being rude or making my bias obvious. But all of my bad memories of growing up as a pagan queer girl in the bible belt of the country flooded my mind and I was afraid of her - although I would never admit it out loud. Yet as classes moved on, I grew to learn she struggled with her own non-acceptance because of how loving she is as a person. She got past it. She grew more accepting. I was INCREDIBLY nervous when she and I had our break away room with just the two of us. Instantly after talking with her for more than a moment, I was flooded with loving energy just radiating off of her and my fear lessened. When she started talking about her son, I found myself moved to tears - connecting her with my own mom and suddenly seeing the loving soul that she was. By the end of it I was crying, both from the hurt we both shared and the support we both offered to eachother, but also from the release of fear and the relief I felt at being able to connect with her on a soul level. I cried from shame at being so resistent to actually seeing her beyond my bias. I cried for the loving person that she was and how many other people would assume she was dangerous like I did? I cried in gratitude at being able to actually set aside my fear and listen to her as a person, grateful at seeing the loving being in front of me.
I carry a lot of biases that I try not to let stop me from connecting to other people. But I would be lying if I said I didn't fail all the time. Its somthing I still need to process and figure out how to let go of, especially while I am in school here. There is a reason I connect best with those that have been hurt or who feel neglected and unwelcome in organized religion. I also want to make sure I don't alienate those who are part of organized religions, if there is a chance I can also provide a place for them to be seen and heard I need to be able to do so. She goes into this work at the end of the introduction. "Many more of the obscacles [to peace] are internal - our own hurt, anger, and sense of betrayal, our attachment to our own version of the truth, and the sheer discornfort of stretching beyond our comfort zone for the sake of maintaining or restoring relationship. These are all natural, even necessary, elements of our experience with conflict." I have to do the shadow work: acknlowdge that these biases and fears have helped to keep me safe, speak to that wounded and afraid girl within me, love her and bring her into the light and show her that not all Christians are going to harm us. From there, I can move with peace and love. There is much work to do.
My second piece of reflection comes from the "Friends of God and Prophets". At first I found this kind of hard to read, the God language was nothing I hadn't heard before but in my current mentality of grief and sorrow I am particularly resistent right now. I am very resistent and even put off by the ending the first section - about how a spiritual director's job is to teach people how to be friend to God, about him knocking at our hearts and asking to be let in. For some reason I have always found that imagery and description, common in the churches I grew up in, very incomfortable. As a pagan I am familiar with the idea that a deity (spirit, god, folk hero, etc.) waiting to be acknlowdged and welcomed into a friendship, mentorship, or partnership... but for some reason the specific language used in the article gives me the creeps (as it did when I was growing up). This probably stems from how often the language is used when Christians are attempting to convert someone else. This evangelical language is used throughout the entire speech, which did make it hard to continue to read.
But, what I did find relatable was the second section. Friendship and connection leads to transformation; this is something found in relationships regardless of context, be it spiritual or physical. "Friendships change us; intimate relationships even more so" as Scofield says. If we ignore the evangelical language and focus more on the heart of what is being said, I think she sums it up really well when she said " it [the change] will be a slower dawning of what it means to be a friend of God: over time, values change; relationships are affected; lifestyles shift to align us more with our experience of God." She goes into detail to talk about a shift towards loving community, seeking justice, and helps care for those less frtunate. "Social responsibility is the pre-requisit stance" for both prophets and spiritual directors. While I could reflect on how uncomfortable I am at comparisons being drawn between prophets and spiritual directors, I instead want to focus on the theme of transformation through connection to the divine.
When asked more in depth about my spirituality, I say that I am polytheistic and whichever deity I am in a cycle with I wear on my chocker. What this means is that I am currently in a transformative relationship or a time if learning, growth, and trasnformation with that particular deity as my guide. With Brigid I began to find my direction in life, although I was too soft and wounded to do much. Through Aine and Brigid I found transformation through healing. Through Lilith I found strength, shadow work, boundaries, and sacred rage. Now with Cernnunos I am learning "shamanism", sacred authenticity, ancestor work, and truly finding peace within myself to grow my spiritual gifts. Every relationship I nurture witha form of the divine, leads to a gradual but powerful transformation.
This likewise leads into the sense of responsibility and outward change that occurs when the internal change has cemented. The reading focuses on social justice - thankfully - and the term "conversion" seems to primarily mean converting the internal change into external change. This like in the second section of this speech, I actually see where she is going with this one. I just have to stop for a moment and really appreciate, in her list of question to consider about spiritual direction programs her #3 question about how to make sure there is no unintentional spiritual apartheid. I also appreciate the importance of making sure that trainees are becoming introduced to different cultures (Question #5) although I wish this went beyond inter-cultural and included inter-religious dialogue.
Overall, though I was really resistent to the language, I really appreciate how this speech is pushing for inclusion and the importance of change within the perspectives of spiritual direction. When I think that the speech is actually over 23 years old, it also helps put the verbiage into perspective. I appreciate that spiritual direction, at least over the last 2 decades, has been pushing for evolution in its stances, inclusion, and justice for the communities and the world at large.
