The Grand overlook floor plan... master bedroom is large enough for both of us; the second bedroom could be the hobyroom and the closet may work as a Mini temple!
"You find yourself floating in the void, the blackness like a womb - warm and safe. Let it surround you in comfort and love. You are not alone here and you are safe, surrounded by those who protect and support you. Notice now, a light shining a little bit aways, an opening in the void. Begin to approach it, noticing that as you move closer your physical body is feeling heavy. Your breathing is steady but you are moving deeper into your spirit, your body left to rest. You are so very light as you move towards the opening in the void, the light beckoning to you. Once you reach it and step through, you find yourself in a clearing.
Perhaps it is a sacred grove, surrounding you with trees. Perhaps it is a prairie, with tall grasses dancing in the wind. Maybe it is a beach with flowing waves or a bonfire with graceful flames. Whatever place greets you, let this be your resting place. Should you find yourself overwhelmed, you can return to this place at any time. Let it be your anchor. You are welcome to invite any guides or companions to join you here, perhaps they were already here and waiting for you.
The air around you starts to buzz as a portal opens, a doorway that invites you forward. Crossing this threshold you will begin the journey. What is it that is holding you back that you must release? What gifts are waiting for you to accept? What transitions and transformations are needed for you to move forward towards your highest good? When you are ready, enter the portal and begin your journey. "
My Journey:
As I glance around the bonfire, not seeing anyone with me but knowing my ancestors are there in the shadows, I prepare to step through the portal. The twilight sky is growing darker, the scent of the fire wrapping around me like a cloak. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes, and step into the doorway made of starlight. For a moment I don’t open my eyes, I just float there, wherever I have landed; I ask, to Sprit, “What do I need to release or take on in order to embrace the path that leads to utter happiness? What transformation is needed?” When I open my eyes I am greeted by a world of pastels.
Before me is a small clearing in a prairie of grasses, a HUGE moon sits in a light blue sky - as if the day and night had combined. I step forward, short stemmed wild flowers grow from each step, until I hear something in the grass. Crouching down I try to peer through the stems of flowers, stalks of grass, until I catch the glimpse of some animal. At first I think it is a chipmunk, but it seems to then grow longer, reminding me of a ferret, but not quite. Mink? Weasel? It moves so fast I can’t quite confirm.
I am familiar with rabbit medicine, but not weasel. Determined to follow it I reach out to snake - the rattlesnake that has been a power animal as of late. I feel myself shrink and then I am suddenly gliding through the grass after the long rodent, intent to follow although I remind myself despite the small growing desire to hunt, this is not my prey. Whoever this creature is, they are presenting a lesson. The sensation of the grass against my scales as I dance through them is exquisite. For a moment I taste freedom - there is no fear, there is just the feral joy of moving at full speed through the natural world around me.
I catch a glimpse of the creature’s tail as it scurries away. “Wait!” I call out but it does not falter. I feel myself grow smaller, my head rounding, as I leave the predator behind and feel myself take the form of a grass snake. Perhaps as a non threatening inhabitant it will allow me to approach. Only now, I feel too small. This form is not right either. I catch sight of rabbit dashing away as I try to take in my surroundings, curling in on myself defensively. Before I can allow myself to try to find a better form the world around me changes.
Suddenly I am a fish, traveling through a creek or a river - jumping over stones and riding the current of rapids. There is no fear. There is excitement with every leap. There is preparedness as I brace to fall back into the water. Past the rapids I know there are predators, bears or something else, but I still feel no fear. I move to the thicker part of the stream, away from the shallows with the beautiful rocks. I do not fight the current as I dive deeper, suddenly pulled towards a whirlpool. I am not alone as I make my way towards its spiraling waters - there is a mer beside me. Her tail a shimmering pattern of rusty gold and algae, her skin a pale blueish green with flowing tangles of brown hair. She dives so assuredly I do not hesitate to follow her lead, my tail no longer moving side to side as I mimic her pumps and strength.
I look forward once more and the green waters of the river have changed to that of the glowing blue of the open ocean. The whirlpool moves farther away, it is in the distance yet I know I cannot catch up. I can no longer see the mermaid but I can feel her near, somewhere swimming around me. “What is it that you have to tell me?” - “Come” the response floats to me in my mind. “Where?” I see nothing, no directions, no clue of what comes next. I see a hand reach out and I pump my tail to propel me forward, arm outstretched to take it. I do not expect the embrace I am pulled into. It is passionate and I melt into the freedom I taste in her kiss.
Suddenly I am alone, the water turning murky. My tail is gone, mortal legs now kick weekly as I move towards the surface of the water. When I reach it, I look around for clues as to what comes next but all around me is open water and a rocky coast with no one else to answer. I move to my back, floating on the surface and just letting the sun coat my skin. I stay there, floating on the lightly flowing current, and wait. Peaceful.
When I open my eyes again I am back at the campfire. The fire rages in full, the dark night illuminated and casting me in its warmth. I am forever safe here. My ancestors guard me and my guides watch with love. I listen to the music from out of the journey and I let my feet move me into a dance of swirls and spirals. I dance like I did as a child, somehow suddenly draped in flowing uneven cloth. As if a flower falling from a tree in the wind, I circle and flow like air around the fire. Slowing, I falter and kneel beside the fire.
Staring into its core I ask my ancestors: “What is it I need to embrace? What changes need to occur to move towards a future of bliss, happiness, and love?” “Let it go” the fire seems to whisper to me. I dig into my chest and pull out a red thread - the binds that tie me to my job. Without hesitation I cut it and toss it into the fire. There is more, so I dig into my chest again and this time an oily, slick, thick black thread is in my hand - my fear, feelings of doubt and unworthiness. I use a rock this time and sever the thread, throwing it in the fire. I watch it melt into the hot coals with a hiss. I then reach into the fire, scooping up a pile of ash into my cupped hands. There is a seed in my heart that Mama Cacao planted, it needs nourishment. “This ash is nutrients, it has been transmuted, and I will take that change into myself to grow the love inside me. Let it grow in strength, fostering self love, devotion, the courage and energy it takes to put forth effort for my own sake.” I swallow the ash, it pours smoothly down my throat as if it was water. The growing green seed in my chest planted by Momma Cacao surrounded and given food.
Suddenly feeling unsure and feeling an ache in my chest, perhaps at the emptiness from where the chords that bound me had been hiding, I decide to leave the journey prematurely. I open my eyes, grounding myself in my body with deep breaths and moving my limbs.
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Weasle Medicine/Meaning:
Fish Medicine/Meaning:
Uniting theme of having no fear and feeling empowered to move forward
Hey everyone, please click the link in the chat to go ahead and open the ambient sound that will need to play in the background in case there are any ads.
This could be used for a variety of rituals depending on which aspect of the story is focused on, such as a right of passage or handfasting or engagement celebration. I will be presenting it in a right of passage context, so the theme to focus on is the willingness for different characters to change and accept new states of being, so that they can move forward in life towards happiness.
This is actually a folksong but after testing the singing vs reciting as a poem with some friends, they said it had more power being recited as a poem. I can always drop the link to the song if anyone wants to hear it.
"Once a fair and handsome seal-lord lay his foot upon the sand
For to woo the fisher's daughter and to claim her marriage hand.
"I have come in from the ocean, I have come in from the sea,
And I'll not go to the waves, love, lest ye come along with me."
"Lord, long have I loved you as a selkie on the foam.
"I would gladly go and wed ye and be Lady of your home
But I cannot go into the ocean, I cannot go into the sea.
I would drown beneath your waves, love, if I went along with ye."
"Lady, long have I loved you: I would have you for my wife.
I shall stay upon your shoreland though it robs me of my life.
I will stay one night beside you, never go back to the sea,
I will stay and be thy husband though it be the death of me."
"Lord, I cannot go and wed thee all to watch my lover die!
Since I'll not be left a widow I have a plan for us to try:
Let us speak with my grandmother who's ever dwelt beside the sea.
She may know some trick or treasure that I may wed my fair selkie."
So they've gone to her grandmother's little cottage by the sea
To inquire how a maiden can be wed to her selkie.
For the selkie's watery kingdom would surely rob her of her breath
But to stay on land past midnight, it would surely be his death.
"Lord, I know not how to aid you – you may never live on shore.
For your kind to live 'til dawning has ne'er been seen before.
But my mother had a seal-coat that she buried 'neath a tree
For she told me that its wearer would become a fair selkie."
So they've journeyed farther inland though the seal-lord's getting weak
And she's shouldering the shovel to unearth the thing they seek.
At the rising of the full moon underneath the elfin oak
She's unearthed that very treasure of which her grandmother spoke.
at the stroke of midnight they have made it back to sea
And she's donned that magic seal-coat and become a maid selkie.
Now they've gone into the ocean, hand in hand into the sea,
She has gone along -- a fair seal-bride for her selkie"
Keeping in mind: ~1650 calories/day; keeping it LDL-lowering + diabetes-preventive, with high fiber, high protein, and healthy fats; Starting the day off with a 30g Protien shake for breakfast (160 cal), and occasionally having an alottment of 300kcal for dessert.
Actual Recipes we would probably be doing keeping in mind that recipes chat gpt came up with - keeping in mind it should be 1/4 meat, 1/4 starch, and 1/2 veggies. (for me. Charlie can do however he likes since he burns way more calories than me)
- Tueky Meat Loaf, baked sweet potato, and greenbeans
Well. My doctor won't prescribe me a statin until my HDL gets over 160; currently its at 130. So Going on the medetteranian diet was her reccomendation for "treatment".
Here's an example of a week meal plan I used chat gpt to helo come up with (for examples).
***Charlie burns WAY MORE calories than I do each day so naturally his portions will be bigger than mine. He can also eat more snacky snacky foods.
***If I decide to use chat gpt to come up with more menus; this is the details: "create a full 7-day egg-free Mediterranean-style meal plan at ~1650 calories/day, keeping it LDL-lowering + diabetes-preventive, with high fiber, high protein, and healthy fats. also include snacks and approximate macros for each day. Using our preferred proteins (hicken breast, salmon/fish, ground turkey, lean pork chops/loin) and adding in chickpea, while being mostly bean free and totoally quinoa and egg free. Does not require a blender."
🌿 7-Day Plan — Dessert-for-Dinner Version (~1650 kcal/day)
Day 1
Lunch — 500 kcal
Chicken breast, 5 oz (225)
1 cup roasted broccoli & carrots (50)
1 medium baked sweet potato (150)
1 tbsp olive oil (120)
Snack #1 — 120 kcal
1 medium apple + 10g almonds
Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal
Overnight Chocolate-Chia Mousse:
½ cup oats (150)
½ cup Greek yogurt (60–70)
1 tbsp chia (60)
1 tsp cocoa powder
1 tsp honey
10g walnuts
Optional: 5–10g 70% dark chocolate pieces
Snack #2 — 100 kcal
½ cup cottage cheese
Day 2
Lunch — 500 kcal
Salmon fillet, 5 oz (300)
1 cup roasted zucchini & bell peppers (100)
½ cup brown rice (90)
1 tbsp olive oil (90)
Snack #1 — 120 kcal
1 medium pear + 10g walnuts
Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal
Dark Chocolate Oat Brownie:
½ cup oats (150)
1 tbsp almond butter (90)
1 tsp cocoa powder
¼ cup unsweetened applesauce (25)
½ tsp honey
10g dark chocolate pieces
Snack #2 — 100 kcal
½ cup Greek yogurt
Day 3
Lunch — 500 kcal
Ground turkey stir fry, 5 oz (250)
1 cup green beans & carrots (50)
½ cup brown rice (90)
1 tbsp olive oil (90)
Snack #1 — 120 kcal
1 medium apple + 10g almonds
Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal
Peanut Butter Banana Oat Bowl:
½ cup oats (150)
¼ banana, mashed
1 tbsp peanut butter (90)
1 tbsp chia seeds (60)
½ cup Greek yogurt (60–70)
Sprinkle of cocoa powder or cinnamon
Snack #2 — 100 kcal
½ cup cottage cheese
Day 4
Lunch — 500 kcal
Lean pork loin chop, 5 oz (220)
1 cup roasted Brussels sprouts & carrots (100)
1 medium baked potato (150)
1 tbsp olive oil (120)
Snack #1 — 120 kcal
1 small pear + 10g walnuts
Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal
Chocolate-Chia Mousse or Dark Chocolate Oat Brownie (same recipes as Days 1–2)
Snack #2 — 100 kcal
½ cup Greek yogurt
Day 5
Lunch — 500 kcal
Chicken breast, 5 oz (225)
1 cup roasted cauliflower & carrots (50)
½ cup brown rice (90)
1 tbsp olive oil (90)
Snack #1 — 120 kcal
1 medium apple + 10g almonds
Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal
Overnight Chocolate-Chia Mousse with optional dark chocolate pieces
Snack #2 — 100 kcal
½ cup cottage cheese
Day 6
Lunch — 500 kcal
Salmon fillet, 5 oz (300)
1 cup roasted zucchini & bell peppers (100)
1 medium baked sweet potato (150)
1 tbsp olive oil (120)
Snack #1 — 120 kcal
1 medium pear + 10g walnuts
Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal
Peanut Butter Banana Oat Bowl with ½ cup Greek yogurt
Snack #2 — 100 kcal
½ cup Greek yogurt
Day 7
Lunch — 500 kcal
Ground turkey stir fry, 5 oz (250)
1 cup roasted broccoli & carrots (50)
½ cup brown rice (90)
1 tbsp olive oil (90)
Snack #1 — 120 kcal
1 medium apple + 10g almonds
Dinner (Dessert) — 530 kcal
Dark Chocolate Oat Brownie or Chocolate-Chia Mousse
Snack #2 — 100 kcal
½ cup cottage cheese
✅ Notes
Dessert at night replaces breakfast — you’re still getting fiber, protein, and healthy fats.
Protein at lunch remains 25–35g for glucose control.
Chickpeas are included only if texture is tolerated; otherwise, stick to vegetables and proteins.
Calorie range remains ~1650 kcal/day.
Optional: 10-minute walk after dessert can help reduce glucose spikes.
Also - moderate alcohols, preferably with less sugar. Dark beer and red wine have been proven to actually help a little with cholesterol! (In moderation)
Honestly... cook more, eat out less, try to use more veggies, less oil or butter. Start Roasting, baking, and grilling more. Less pasta - like seriously try to avoid it for the most part; but use protein pasta or plant pasta when we do.
Remember: Lemon pepper, Medeteranian, Marinades for meat let you keep it simple and flavorful without a lot of sauce needed.
- page 20 - body and spirit -- invisible and visible.
- page 20 - discernment depends on prophecy, wisdom interpretation....
- page 20 - the meaning of discernment...
- page 21 - the one manifests as the many but the many needs to remember that they are the one.
- page 21 - the human soul section was suuuuper relatable. Use that in my paper on how discernment manifests as spiritual gifts and how that comes from the soul - which is divinity within us. I mentioned this before in my last paper but Plotinus's view on spirituality as in this book helps provide an easier way to word it.
- page 21 to 22 - Plotinus basically walks you through how shamanic journeying works as a means of discernment...
- pg 26 the disordered attachments = societal conditioning, distractions, addictions, or anything that gets in the way of true authenticity - because authenticity, happiness, and lover are how people reconnect with God.
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- “Spiritual direction” or companionship in the Christian tradition can be understood as a search or quest for an authentic, unitary “self” in which those dimensions of subjectivity commonly read as “inner” (thought, emotion, feeling, imagination, my sense of body) and “outer” (practices, body in public space, public action and so on) are ever more ordered into the “likeness of Christ”. Prayer, discernment and attentiveness to God, worship, practices of study and reading are among the ways the body — ordered along the axis of inner and outer — is conformed to Christ." - Rachel Mann's essay in Queering Spiritual Direction 215
---- in laymens terms: spiritual direction, then, can be seen as a process of trying to align those two — helping someone live in a way where their inner life and their outward actions reflect each other and Christ’s example.
- "It’s important to acknowledge, from the outset, that some classic understandings of the praxis of spiritual direction, understood as the accompanied process of conforming one’s inner and outer life into the likeness of Christ, have a prima facie fit with some understandings of transgender identity. While it is easy to parody the call to “become one’s true self” in God as self-indulgent narcissism (a kind of Christian navel-gazing), at the heart of a serious wrestling with the invitation to be and become our true selves is a paradox or mystery; for the vocation of being our selves is a vocation of movement from the self we have to lose into the gift of the self we are to receive. This notion is perhaps most succinctly encapsulated in one of Jesus’ most profound, troubling and frustrating statements: “Those who seek to save their lives will lose it, but those who lose their life for my sake will save it.”" - Queering 216
---- laymen's terms: Christian spiritual direction and transgender experience can sound similar. Both talk about “becoming your true self.” Of course, that phrase can sound self-centered or “touchy-feely” to some — like it’s just about personal fulfillment. But she says that, at its best, this spiritual journey isn’t about ego at all. It’s about transformation. In Christianity, becoming your true self means letting go of your old self and receiving the self that God gives you. As Jesus said, “Those who try to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.” That’s a paradox: to truly find yourself, you have to let go of the self you think you are.
For most of my life, I’ve been driven by a deep, insatiable hunger for God that has never actually gone away. I am not satisfied with simply knowing the breadth of God, but I want to continually experience the very depths of God. - unforming pg 1
- On Panentheism & interreligious views on God: "Spirituality, however, is not static and fixed. Far from it. The spiritual life is always transforming. In this way,\ spirituality should reflect a multiplicity of layered human experiences of God. Our collective soul as a church will atrophy if one culture or tradition holds the power and control over what is taught and practiced in the church." - Our unforming pg 2
- Spirituality, the divine-human relationship, starts with an ache. Our souls ache each time we recognize that there is something missing in our experiences of the sacred... Whereas theology attempts to figure out and articulate what we know about God, spirituality refers to what we experience of God. This means that spirituality takes all our human experiences seriously, because we need to bring our full selves in order to meet with God." - Our unforming of 3
- "Spiritual formation, then, refers to the transformation that happens in us as we encounter God again and again and again. Spiritual formation includes all the practical ways we try to clear the clutter in our souls in order to meet with God and hear from God. Because the term spiritual formation can be deceptive, implying that we only need to engage with spiritual things, I like to think of spiritual formation as human formation. We live in a world that constantly devalues and distorts our humanness." our unforming pg 4
- As a spiritual director, my role is to create a physical space that models the soul space. I set the room and create a space for my directees to sit with the divine Creator. Sometimes I light a candle to represent the presence of Spirit in the room, but it is always up to the directee to come into the space with their sacred self. I have the privilege and honor of being invited into their intimate soul space to listen to and with them. Together, we wait patiently as we lis- ten for how the Spirit may be moving through each season of life. We also listen for how my directee is becoming more fully their sacred self." unbecoming 5-6
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"Parker: The soul is like a wild animal in that it is very resourceful and very shy. You can’t crash into the forest and shout for it. The safe place is where the soul can come out." - Parker Palmer Podcast
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Quaker Pamphlet:
- "I use the word God. For me as aQuaker and a Buddhist, God is a Spirit of Oneness: the Light or Seed Within All Things; the Energy if Compassion, Love, Understanding, and Peace. - 2
- Spiritual Discernment... is a practice of recognizing and understanding Gods call in your life. ... In discernment you ask yourself: "Is this God?" And then you listen. Discernment is the practice of being attentive, being reflective, and being loving in order to determine what is truly from God. In personal discernment about your own life, you call to mind where God has shapoed your life, including where yuour feelings and emotions have been most engaged, and notice emerging patterns that bring you closer to God. - pg 5
- Disernment is not a tool that you pull out of a bag for convenient use. it arises from faithfulness, unfolding over time, as you cultivate your own inner spiritual landscape and relationship with God. - 6
- It takes disciplined reflection to know the difference between a sense of leading and your "own contributions of thought and imagination." Thoughts, emotions, reactions are all useful in weighing choices that align with Spirit-led ways.- 7
- the belief in... "Light and Seed refer to the reality for Friends of God's presence within us for our own healing and wholeness and for the healing and wholeness of others and the world.
- ... it is important to recognize and understand how attachment to expectations, hopes, assumptions, impulses, and underlying family patterns shape our sense of leading. However a "discipline of faithfulness frees us from deep attachment to the outcomes of our leading and allowing ourselves to be so attached can itself make us less sensitive to guidance". -- we get in our own ways. My biggest hurdle right now in my current discernment process.
- The whole section of Key Words. pg 12-
Works Cited so Far
Brown, Valerie. Coming to Light: Cultivating Spiritual Discernment through the Quaker Clearness Committee. Pendle Hill Pamphlet 446. Wallingford, PA: Pendle Hill Publications, 2017
Lee, Cindy S. “Introduction.” In Our Unforming: De-Westernizing Spiritual Formation, 1–14. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2022.
Nguyen, Joseph H. “Spiritual Discernment in the Contemplative Life.” In Christian Contemplation: Theological Foundations and Contemporary Practice, 19–30. Eugene, OR: Wipf & Stock, 2020.
Palmer, Parker, and Cortney Martin. “The Inner Life of Rebellion.” On Being with Krista Tippett. Originally aired January 8, 2015. Updated September 22, 2016. Podcast audio.
Personal Loan - Advia - 9.2% - roughly $5600 -- ahead of schedule on paying balance
Student Loans ---- lets not talk about those...
I am debating opening a 4th CC to condence CC 2 and CC3; it would have a lower APR and I would keep those 2 out of my wallet, to use only in cases of emrgency. This would take a hit on my credit which ould lower it.... but then after a few months make it go up because my credit use/available funds would be smaller.
I WOULD NOT close the credit lines because i learned the hard way that it will plummet my credit score.
So I would limit the # of credit payments i need to make a month to 2 of them, lower the amount I am paying and also push everything to a lower interest rate. So it would look like this:
CC 1 - USAA - 20.9% APR roughtly 400$ -- I use this for my gym expenses
CC 2 - USAA - 16.9% - 0 - for use in case of emergency - $12,200 available
CC 3 - SAMS - 28.65% - 0 - for use in case of emergency
Personal Loan - Advia - 9.2% - roughly $5600 -- ahead of schedule on paying balance
CC 4 - Advia - 8.90% - roughly $ -- condensed all CC except CC1. How much available?
Aaprtment (rent/utilities/internet) : $1135
phone: $55
Savings: $100
Roth IRA: $100
Loan: $450
Credit 1: $100
Credit 4: $50
Med Bill: $95 I will pay this off with the Nov. Bonus.
Car Payment: $235
Car insurance: $90
Health insurance: $495 -- will probably pay several months upfront with school refund.
The Joint: $70
Gym: 25
Gas: $80
Subscriptions: $20
Pets: $50
Groceries: $250
------------------------
$3305
Essentially I would only carry around 2 cards and would limit everything i spend until the end of the month where leftover funds are alotted btween debt and savings.
My insurance went WAY up. its just under $500 a month now... So I am going to need my rent to go down. We for sure cannot keep this apartment that I am so in love with - unless i get another job or my boss gives me a raise (unlikely). Lets say they just raise my rent by $50 for renewal ... 1970 + 50 = 2030. All budgeting will be rounded to the nearest multiple of 5.
Rent: 2030
Utilities: $200 give or take
Internet: $40
-----------------------
Apartment costs: $2270 / 2 = $1135 split between me and charlie
so..
Aaprtment: $1135
phone: $55
Savings: $100
Roth IRA: $100
Loan: $450
Credit 1: $100
Credit 2: $100
Credit 3 (Sams): $30
Med Bill: $95
Car Payment: $235
Car insurance: $90
Health insurance: $495
The Joint: $70
Gym: 25
Gas: $80
Subscriptions: $20
Pets: $50
Groceries: $250
------------------------
$3480 --- which is JUST about what i bring home every month. I might have to lean on charlie when it comes to groceries
I will have to stop seeing my trainer - thats what goes towards Cred 1. If I stop seeing her... then I will stop owing on that CC.
Okay lets think about this. I owe about $700 to fridert for my surgery - if i pay this off with the holiday bonus i get $95 back into circuit each month meaning i can keep my trainer.
By the time spring refund hits (Feb) I will owe:
about $4300 in my personal loan
about $6209 to my car. -- leave this for now. lowest interest.
My next loan comes in June. So Feb-June insurance would be $2500. If I put that towards my insurance... then I pay my usual $450 to my loan and any extra i have each month, but i am not left scrambling. I have that $500 each month to spend as i NEED to.
*****
If we do end up having to give up the apartment (which I truly hope we don't) because they jack up my renewal rate... in no particular order...
Here are the options to consider: (need to go through and edit this into the other list too)
