Monday, August 1, 2022

The second Dance - "Cry of the amber songbird".

The music came to a hault with my body displayed upside down between his legs, my eyes daring the crowd to comment on what they had just witnessed.  My legs wrapped firmly around his waist, his hands gripping the arms of the seat as I hoisted myself up to face him, now straddled tightly against him... feeling him tightly pressed between my thighs. I did not need to see his eyes, always hidden behind a mask, to know they were burning red. I could feel them burning into my own. We were so close that our noses were almost touching, and my tongue danced over my teeth as I grinned at him. One of us was going to cave in the next moment and close the distance... I was breathing hard, my heart racing, when it dawned on me just who I had been dancing on. 

I ceared my throat and sat upright, pushing myself away, having made my point to the vampire socialites who had been drooling over him just a few minutes ago. I was his wife* and if I wanted him, I could have him. There was a quiet growl in his throat as I pulled myself off of him, adjusting my dress, and making my way through the crowd of still dancing creatures. I needed some air, air that did not taste of his breath. My head was swimming, the door of my mind could feel his knocking against it - almost ravenous - and I was tempted to let him in. I didn't need a telepathic bond to know it was his firm body that appeared behind me on the dancefloor, his strong hands that gripped my hips and pulled me against him. 

I could feel the heat of him against my exposed back, the heat traveling down my hips and between my thighs as his sharp claw-like nails embedded themselves into the soft flesh there. I inhaled sharply at the pain, but it only made my blood boil. We danced to the music, bodies moving against eachother in an almost primal way. His hands somehow gripping me tightly and exploring my body at the same time. I could hear his hot breath in my ear, feel it, and the almost whispered growl that came from his throat set me aflame. I longed to sink my teeth into his throat. Drag my own claws against his back, wanting to see the blood trickle in their trail. I wanted to wrestle him, pin him down and feel the power behind his movements as he threw me off of him. My bosy screamed with the urge to feel his weight over me, pinning as I wriggled beneath him. 

Lust. This was lust. We were both into he thralls of it, only I wasn't sure if either of us knew whether it would end up with us intertwined and in ecstasy or fighting to the death. Our every move on the dancefloor was aggressive and threatening, yet we never lefted our hands from the other. I felt a growl growing in my own chest, frustrated that my throat could not produce the sound the way his did. I wanted to test his strength against my agility. His force against my magic. I wanted his throat between my teeth... The song ended with us thrusted against each other, as if we couldn't be close enough, he had dipped me almost to the floor with his face at my throat. My body shivering a the sensation of his wet hot breath between my breasts. I stifled a whine as his tongue trailed up my throat as he brought me back upright. 

I thought I would go mad with desire. Desire for his body on mine. Desire for teeth and nail and pain and blood and brutality as we attacked each other. I knew in my bones that once the battle dance began it wouldn't end until we were both lost in each other, lost in the lust for blood and pleasure. I wanted to run. Wanted him to chase me until we were both out of breath, far away from the night club and any other living soul, until we were alone. I turned my body away from him, knees bent about to take off in our soon to be game of predator and prey when a scream shattered through the heavy velvety fog that coasted my ever sense.


As if we had both been dowsed in cold water we turned in unison to face the sound. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Roe vs wade

 I have been too angry to function. 

I get up and go to work. I go for walks in nature to ground myself. I sing. I dance. I try to watch tv to escape. 


None of that works long enough to permanently take the edge off. 

I am so angry I want violence. 

I want the people who have stripped me of my body autonomy to be hurt. 

I want those within that group who want to challenge my right to marriage and birth control to be hurt even worse. 

I can’t be around my guy friends. I’m so angry around men, I don’t want to take it out on those who had nothing to do with this, and all I want is queer and female company because I feel like they are the only ones who can truly understand my anger. 

The tears that leak from my eyes, as I have not yet allowed myself to fully cry, are not from defeat or sorrow.

I. Am. Angry.


I feel useless and powerless, which only makes my rage hurt hotter. I feel as if it will burn me up completely. 

My sobriety is on thin ice. 

Last night I reached out to an activist friend for help because I am not okay. I can’t keep going like this. 

So she’s going to help me channel all this energy towards something that will help my community. I’m going to learn how to make something called “portable hugs” to donate to the free mom hugs initiative. It will help me get my hands busy and out of my head.

She’s also going to teach me to diamond paint. Something that requires so much focus that there won’t be time for me to stew in my anger. Think paint by number but it’s done in tiny diamond shapes. 

And then on July 4th, I’m going to a protest. That is where I’ll finally let myself scream. And cry. And channel that rage. I’ll let my voice be heard in the masses of other angry women and queer folk. 


I think that will be what helps me the most.

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

New Budgeting

 okay so i got in a wreck this past weekend. New look at money. 


the move:

The Room itself will either be 915 (B5 - 739 sq ft) or 1109 (C1 - 844 sq ft  - need a 50K+ job for).

  • 915 1st months rent
  • 500 deposit
  • 35 garage parking spot (assigned)
  • 10 admin fee
  • 3000 for the move itself
  • $150 flight from Chicago to Raleigh if I can talk anyone into making this trip with me. 
-----------------------------------------------------------
4610 = 5K to be on the very safest side. 

I currently have 2K saved up. My car is 99% likely to be totaled so i am waiting to see how much they give me for it. I am hoping for at least 8K; which would let me pay off my current car loan, out a down payment on a new car (at least 2K), and put a bit in savings?

If i can out 1K in savings that means i need 2K more. 2K/10 = 200 (be ready to move by March)
if i can put 1.5K in savings that means..... 1.5K/10 = 150

new car insurance - 450/6 = 75 a month. 
Car Payment - 235$ 

okay so budgeting (budgeting it high)

RENT 700
UTIL 200
INT   0
PHONE 60
STUDENT 75
HEALTH 50
CREDIT 100
CAR P  250
CAR I  100
GYM 10
ENTERT 15
FOOD 200
MISC 200
GAS 100
CATS 50
-------------------------
2110
+ 150 savings.
---------------------
2260 a month  = 2825 before taxes. 
2825 x 12 = 34656 = 16.30 an hour full time 



Once ellis can start helping:

RENT 400
UTIL 100
INT   0
PHONE 60
STUDENT 75
HEALTH 50
CREDIT 100
CAR P  250
CAR I  100
GYM 10
ENTERT 15
FOOD 200
MISC 200
GAS 100
CATS 50
-------------------------
1710
+ 150 savings.
---------------------
1860 a month = 2325 before taxes
2325*12 = 13.41 an hour full time... we won't consider ANYTHING under $15.















https://www.autotrader.com/cars-for-sale/vehicledetails.xhtml?listingId=626629362&driveGroup=AWD4WD&city=Greenville&state=NC&zip=27858&location=&modelCodeList=JEEPRENEG%2CROGUE&fuelTypeGroup=GSL&maxMileage=75000&vehicleStyleCodes=HATCH%2CSEDAN%2CSUVCROSS&transmissionCodes=AUT&featureCodes=1062%2C1224&mpgRanges=20-MPG&searchRadius=100&marketExtension=include&startYear=2016&maxPrice=19215&isNewSearch=false&showAccelerateBanner=false&sortBy=derivedpriceASC&numRecords=25&dma=&listingTypes=USED&referrer=%2Fcars-for-sale%2Fawd-4wd%2Fgreenville-nc-27858%3FmodelCodeList%3DJEEPRENEG%252CROGUE%26dma%3D%26fuelTypeGroup%3DGSL%26maxMileage%3D75000%26vehicleStyleCodes%3DHATCH%252CSEDAN%252CSUVCROSS%26transmissionCodes%3DAUT%26featureCodes%3D1062%252C1224%26mpgRanges%3D20-MPG%26searchRadius%3D100%26location%3D%26marketExtension%3Dinclude%26startYear%3D2016%26maxPrice%3D19215%26isNewSearch%3Dfalse%26showAccelerateBanner%3Dfalse%26sortBy%3DderivedpriceASC%26numRecords%3D25&clickType=spotlight

Monday, April 18, 2022

Another reason to go to Madison WI

 My MFA in Creative Writing..... they take 6 fiction writers on even numbered years (6 poetry writers on odd years) and its a two year program. 

https://guide.wisc.edu/graduate/english/creative-writing-mfa/#text

bruhhhhhh

Madison Money Talk pt 2

3610 without paying off my car. = 4K

6610 if i do pay off my car. = 7K

Ive already got 2K saved. So thats some pretty good progress. 

  • Lets say i move in next summer, like a year from now. I need a minimum of 2K more in my savings. 
    • 2000/12 months = 167$ in savings a month. Easy. 
    • To add paying off my car = 3000- (195 x 12) = 660/12 months = extra 55 a month 
    • 225 a month in savings to move next MAY. 
  • If I move When this lease is up...
    • 2000/7 months = 285$ in savings a month (TIGHT but i can make it work)
    • to add paying off my car = 3000 - (195x7) = 1635/7= 235
    • 520 into savings each month.... not possible. Once ellis is making stable income and pays for half the bills MAYBE. 
So i'll make next May my moving goal. I'll start applying to jobs in March?

See if I can get any moving assistance because we all know it takes more money to move than expected...... cuz think of all the small stuff i'll need to buy and stocking up the pantry and stuff. 

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Done for good

 Well. Ripped the bandaid off. 


Viking man and I are done done. 

I love him so much. But ultimately we want different things in life. 


It’s gonna suck though because I’m going to look for him in every guy I meet. And I haven’t actually successfully dated a woman in 6 years. So like. What the fuck do I do. 


I’m in love with someone I can’t be with. 

I don’t see how any other guy is going to compare. 

I don’t know how a relationship with a woman would look like. 


What’s the point of dating if I’m moving states in a year and a half anyway. 


So I get to go drop off his stuff tomorrow after my grandads funeral. 

This has been a FANTASTIC week. 

Saturday, April 16, 2022

Lets talk money.

 Okay, lets talk money. 


The Room itself will either be 915 (B5 - 739 sq ft) or 1109 (C1 - 844 sq ft  - need a 50K+ job for).

915 1st months rent

500 deposit

35 garage parking spot (assigned)

10 admin fee

3000 - pay off my car so i can get one that drives better on snow and ice.  if possible.

2000 for the move itself

$150 flight from Chicago to Raleigh if I can talk anyone into making this trip with me. 

------------------------

3610 without paying off my car. = 4K

6610 if i do pay off my car. = 7K

Ive already got 2K saved. So thats some pretty good progress. 

  • Lets say i move in next summer, like a year from now. I need a minimum of 2K in my savings. 
    • 2000/12 months = 167$ in savings a month. 
    • To add paying off my car = 3000- (195 x 12) = 660/12 months = extra 55 a month 
    • 225 a month in savings to move next MAY. 
  • If I move When this lease is up...
    • 2000/7 months = 285$ in savings a month (TIGHT but i can make it work)
    • to add paying off my car = 3000 - (195x7) = 1635/7= 235
    • 520 into savings each month.... not possible. Once ellis is making stable income and pays for half the bills MAYBE. 
So i'll make next May my moving goal. I'll start applying to jobs in March?

________________________________________________________________

Moving expenses

U-Pack

U-Pack is a moving service where you pack and load, and we handle the driving. Quotes include the equipment, liability coverage, transportation and fuel. For this example, U-Pack estimated the family would use 13 linear feet in a moving trailer at $1,956 total. Travel expenses include the hotel ($115.57), meals ($180), and since they will drive both vehicles, fuel in two cars ($200), making the total cost $2,451.57. So, for less than a rental truck, this family could move across the country without having to drive a big truck or leave their belongings parked outside a hotel overnight.

** I did their quote and it estimates 2525...so lets say 3000 (7-9 business days!?)

U-HAUL

5 days and 1294 miles  (will only need it for 3 days tbh)

15' Truck and Tow Dolly

Insurances

= 969

(plus gas... 300?)

+ Movers (250)

------------------------------------

1519 and done in 3 days but i have to drive a box truck while towing my car.....




Monthly Budget - 47000 = 2850

  • 950 rent (includes heat, water, sewer, trash, and parking)
  • 100 electric 
  • 65 internet
  • 100 gas
  • 55 phone bill
  • 200 car insurance
  • 250 health insurance
  • 250 student loans
  • 300 car payment
  • 100 debt
  • 100 savings
  • 50 medical bill

----------------

330 for (plus anything i make burlesque dancing)

  • food
  • cats
  • fun

I could make that work. would be tight but i could make it.