the merciful one... changed.

So... I sacrificed my focus on Jimmie as my offering to vampires of  bloodmonth (oracle card).
I finally figured out what i was suppose to give up... and then the merciful one was saying to let go...
well thats what i let go of.

every time i start to dictate what my behavior is because of how i think Jimmie might think or feel... I catch myself, remind myself that he is doing his thing and i have to do mine, and i need to stop trying to "get in his head" as my therapist says.

Jimmie has his shit he needs to sort out, his goals he needs to reach before we can be together again... and so do i. Focusing on him will only keep me from reaching my own goals, which in turn will keep me from being able to be together with him.


The cards have already told me I'm going to be single for a WHILE. so there's no rush. I'm not rushing him and i'm not rushing myself.

I'm also going to stop listening to my lizard brain/anxiety when it trys to tell me that jimmie is going to be gettting with  other girls... i'm giving that up and letting go if it too. He says he wants ti get back together and I trust him.

I have given up my focus on him.... and its been successful! I havn't been feeling as down and sad as usual.
I have been feeling more affectionate... I mean i WANT to be with him. I want to cuddle with him. I want to kiss him (like...so bad.. all the time). I want to sleep with him.

but... I am getting use to being alone again.
Last night was the first time I consciously realized I wasn't sad that i wasn't going to bed and sleeping beside him. I felt...calm when I thought about sleeping in my own bed.

I don't feel like i'm torn in half anymore. It doesn't hurt me to see him the way it did before. and to me thats a step in the right direction. All my love is still there... just less pain. (now... there is still pain. just less of it.)

Today in my daily oracle reading... I got the merciful one again. Only when I read her meaning the focus was no longer on "letting go".... It was focused on a shift. the ending of a part of my life..."one phase to another".

Hopefully that means i'm leaving who I was... the dependent lisa who was easily influenced... and will become a more independent lisa who is firm in her spirituality.

Today the merciful one wasn't a card of endings.... but of transition. :)

I take that as a good sign.