I wonder...

I wonder when this will stop hurting.

In almost all of my previous break ups, the pain has come from a feeling of inadequacy. Or the pain has come from the fact that my partner doesn’t love me anymore. And in general just mourning the loss of a relationship and partner/friend. 

But this pain is different. It hurts differently.  It harder to deal with and harder to process because... there is no anger to soften the blows. There is no clean break because I want him in my life.

I don’t hurt because he doesn’t love me, although that anxiety is ever present... I hurt because I can’t show my love for him. And because I can’t ask for reassurance that he DOES in fact still love me romantically.When he is being distant it hurts but it’s more of a disappointment kind of pain. 

But then there are days like today.. where we don’t just interact... we genuinely have a good time with each other. He was being unusually silly and joking today. It was super adorable and reminded me why I am so in love with him. I loved it.

And it killed me. 

Absolutely destroyed me inside. 

So I purposefully tried to distance myself. He let me lean on him towards the end of the movie but I had broken the relative ease between us. The pain and thus isolation-wall I put up made it awkward. 

I didn’t know what I was allowed to do. I knew I couldn’t do what I wanted to do... but I also wasn’t going to turn down contact with him. It was awkward. But the awkwardness helped make it less painful for me.

But then there was a moment in the kitchen that made my heart skip a beat. 

And another moment on the couch that I wish could have lasted forever. 

Both lasted seconds but they put me at ease... and for just a second I felt close to him.

And naturally I felt an avalanche of emotions as soon as they were over.

I want to be close to him. I want to love him openly. But I can’t. 

And it hurts. 

With a normal break up I would cut him out of my heart, and out of my life, for good. 

The idea of doing that with him makes me sick to my stomach.

With a normal break up... I would be mostly fine after a few weeks. 

It’s been 3 and I feel like despite my composure the pain only gets worse. 

I know it will be easier when I move out. I will miss him more and if I’m lucky I will maybe get to see him once a week - if I’m lucky. Not seeing him will help with the pain.  

Then who knows... maybe after I’ve been out of his apartment for a few months there will be no pain. But I don’t know what that would mean... because as long as I love him I don’t know how this wouldn’t hurt. 

I endure this pain because my goal for us is to get back together. (I have personal goals... but this is my goal for the two of us). I will fond out in time and probably with more tears wether that goal remains the same for him.

This will not stop hurting until I move on. 

Be that WITH him or without. 

I can’t move on until something changes. 

But I don’t know how long this will continue to hurt as bad as it does. 

I wonder if it will stop hurting without a clean break. 

And if it ever does, I wonder what that will mean.