processing

I take time to process things. I process in stages.

Input data. Experience emotion. Process and think through emotion. Make a decision. Move forward.
then repeat.

I thought about how i feel about jimmie.
made the decision that i would wait for him.
moved forward.

Repeat:

Step 1 - Input data: Jimmie and I are not going to get back together.

it was an outcome that i wanted very much to happen, but i can feel in my gut that its just not going to be. I will NOT be closed to us getting back together.. but honestly there is no point in waiting for it.

Step 2 - Experience emotion: bitter fucking sadness.

Step 3 - Process and think through emotion:

I really wanted it to work with him. He showed me what a healthy relationship looked like. What it was like to be with someone who cared and supported and put in the effort to help me heal and grow.
He showed me how good it can be in a relationship.
I thought I was going to marry him.
I designed the ring.
contacted the jeweler.
got the price.

it was ready for me to make the first payment...

I was ready to be with him.

to finally admit and accept that.. that is over?

fucking sucks.

But.

He is still in my life. I havn't lost him the way ive lost all of my other ex's.
Just because the romantic relationship is over doesn't mean i have to lose the connection i have with him. The level of physical intimacy.
We can be friends.  Maybe we can be friends that have sex.
- at least for a time.

While i do not crave the actual act of sex, I have begun to crave the level of openness and comfort that comes with it (when done with a kind and caring partner). Jimmie is safe and he is familiar. I love how open and carefree i feel after being physically intimate with him and i love that feeling of connection. I love that level of closeness with him, because of how much i love him.

There were so many positives from our time together, I would NOT consider our relationship a failure. I was happy with him. I really was. Which makes me sad to see that aspect end.

But I know that with enough time, he will be ready to have a romantic relationship and when that happens I will be happy for him. Perhaps a little nostalgic and sad... but by the time that happens the pain of the current situation will be just a memory.

Step 4 - Make a decision:

For as long as he is willing I want to be friends with benefits with jimmie.
and should he decide that is not what he wants....then I will be friends with jimmie.

I am determined to keep him in my life, in whatever form is most comfortable with him.
Jimmie was my friend before my lover. Then he became my romantic partner.
I... want to keep that intimate connection, even if it isn't romantic in nature.

and if I am wrong and we somehow come back together romantically (years from now) then we do.
But as of right now I know that a romantic reunion is not likely and i tearfully accept it.
I've lost the man i thought would be my husband, but I don't have to lose my closest friend.
and I want to remain as close to him as I can because I love him.
In just a month I could feel my love for him changing. I truly know that this friendship will work.

I just don't want to lose him.

Step 5 - Move forward.