Purgatory

It’s a weird feeling giving up on something that you love.
I’m not really giving up... I’m just.. taking a step back.

I’m not waiting.
But i cannot forsee myself ever saying no if he wanted to try again.

I can’t bring myself to delete the photos I have of him.

He’s still my phone back ground.

Hanging out with him is as natural as breathing.

So I have this mixed mentality...
Where I know we aren’t going to get back together, a part of me still hopes for it even if it is years from now, and I have so much love for him.

I hope, maybe in a few years that we can actually come back to each other.

But I’m now also at the point where if we meet other people then... that’s okay too.

The future is not set in stone and no one knows what’s going to happen.
I know that he and I aren’t getting back together.

Anytime soon.

We will be friends, hopefully best friends, moving forward... and just see what life throws at us.

I don’t know how to feel about him.

I think I’ve always been a little in love with him. And I will always be a little in love with him.

I don’t think that will ever fully go away.
So I’m at this cross hairs where I’ve accepted that we may not be a couple again in the foreseeable future and I will eventually be open to having a relationship with someone else... but I still have hope for us.

Not to say that I would enter a relationship and see them as a place filler for him... I wouldn’t do that. If I open my heart to another it will be sincere. I am open to the idea of finding a life partner that isn’t him.
But I also have this stubborn hope.

I feel like I’m in purgatory.

The heart is ducking weird man.