I want to die.

I want to die.

I do not want to experience this.
I do not want to feel this.

And when things are hard my go to thought it I want to die.

But I realized.... I’ve used my lorazepam correctly too often... I no longer have enough pills to kill myself. If I took what I have now I could cause organ failure... a slow death... but not a go to sleep and never wake up death.


So I put the pills in jimmies room.
No temptation.

This sucks.
I don’t care if something better is just around the corner.
I love him. This hurts. This sucks. I don’t know how to let go.

And my go to reaction is.. I want to die.


I don’t want to die.

I wasn’t to not exist. Not right now anyway.

I just want to not. At all.

But this is life. There is no pause button. There is only movement forward...

As slow as it might be.

The cards said I had a new beginning headed my way.
I just can’t see it. I loved him so much. How can I do that again:
I can’t spend my life alone. I can’t spend it with him.

I just want to spend my time alone in about. To sleep. Form a crysis and sleep until a new me can emerge.

But that’s not how life works. So tell me.
What do I have to learn before this pain goes away?
Before I can learn how to breathe again?

What do I have to do to get past “I want to die”?