Figuring this out.

If a relationship is a house....

I left and when I came back the locks had been changed. This was no longer my house. It remains empty for now... and I can enter in temporarily, but I’m still figuring out how to act when inside.

Cuddling - yes.
But the level of cuddle varies and I’m still trying to learn to read the situation and figure out the allowed level of cuddle. If others are present, only slight snuggling is permitted. He initiated cuddling tonight but I got overzealous and cuddled too much and irritated him.

Holding hands - when cuddling only and only when no one is around.

Kissing - occasionally, only when alone and in the absolute right situation. Rare.

It’s okay to kiss others, even though I don’t *want* to kiss others. The only reason I kissed that girl I hung out with was because I was drunk. I want to kiss everyone when I’m drunk.

Doing things together is still expected/encouraged?

Too much isolation is seen as odd behavior.
But too much interaction is bad.

I’m still trying to figure this out. How to act when around him....

It will be easier when I move out. Only 2 things can happen...

1) he does as he says he will and we still remain in contact and see each other somewhat often.
2) we lose contact and each other.

Either way, how I can behave will become much more clear.
And how I allow myself to heal will become much more clear.

At the moment I am keeping the wound open, I allow myself to still love him and it hurts. It’s a slow healing process.

But when I move out, if #2 occurs then I can cut off the emotions and heal much faster.


I am not waiting for him to grow and figure out where he wants to be before we *possibly* get back together.  (I say possibly because I don’t know if he is sincere about his desire to get back together)

I have my own goals to work on.

And I simply don’t want anyone but him. At least for the time being. I’m not against the idea of something light and casual but they would have to be pretty fucking amazing to actually catch my interest.

I’m still in love with him. And until that stops I don’t think I can honestly love another person... and until I move out and see his actual intentions I can’t make myself stop being in love with him.

There is the risk of someone moving into the house before I can move back. And it scares me.

I’m scared I will lose him forever.

He is no longer “my dork”.

I’m still in love with him.
And I’m still trying to figure this out.