You’re mouth is poison, your mouth is wine...

I wish there was a word for how I feel towards Jimmie right now.

It’s somewhere between “falling” and “ parison & wine”.

“I don’t love you, I always will”
And
“I can’t help falling out of love with you”.

I don’t think I’m necessarily falling out of love with him in the way that suggests there can never be a future there... but a falling out of love in which the love has grown paler. Like a flower slowly wilting, it’s petals drying up and curling in on themselves.

To be truly in love with someone requires a level of trust that... I just don’t have with him. I love him in general. But I don’t know if I can say that I’m in love with him. I don’t think I am. Not right now at least.

When he spoke of life together in the future after the break up it would give me a sense of hope. Now it almost irritates me because it feels like lies and lip service.

How odd... to go from seeing a future with marriage and kids with someone... to this. This pale and cold thing. A shriveled up rose, the life force slowly fading after being severed from the source. I don’t know if I should feel shame or not.

Perhaps pride.

I feel like I should be proud of myself for not hanging onto someone who doesn’t want the same things as me. I should feel proud of myself for not fixating on an unachievable goal. I’ve felt a distance growing for a while now.. a lack of intimacy between us in general. A lack of trust.

He use to be my person. My go to. My comfort. The person I could tell, and show, and share everything. My lover. My closest friend.

Now he’s not.
He is a friend. Which is what he wanted, so he’s at least hit one goal.

And Perhaps he may remain a part time lover when the mood strikes and the other is willing.

It’s weird too, this situation of trust and the lack their if. I’ve always trusted people with my heart and mind, but never my body. For the first time I have someone I trust with my body but not my heart and mind. It.. almost hurts. the absence of trust and intimacy that once was there has left a hallow hole..
I just hope it doesn’t abscess and fester.

I love him. I think I always will. But I can’t say that I’m in love with him anymore, even though I want to be, and still kind of hope to be again.

I want to be again.

I do.

But I honestly doubt it is in the future for me.
With the way things are and the direction they are heading... it would take so much work and I don’t foresee it being achieved or even truly desired by both parties.

Is it weird to say I feel like I’m mourning the loss of my feelings for him? They have been with me over the past several years, and at the forefront of my mind for the past 2.75. I feel their loss and the empty space left behind as clearly as I felt an empty bed for the first time after the breakup.

I don’t know what to do to fill the whole.
It aches.