what to do

i dont know what to do.

I love him so much. 

But i wish i didn't... 

If i didn't love him so much then trying to get over him would be easier. 

If i didn't love him so much then the idea of going forward with no contact at all wouldn't make me want to tear my heart out of my chest. 

If i didn't love him so much then I wouldn't be this pathetic mess that i am. 

Logically i understand he wants time to be single and figure out who he is when he is alone. 

Emotionally I dont understand why the things he says he needs to work on can't be worked on if he is in a relationship. Space is needed, for sure... but i don't understand why he has to be single to deal with his stuff. 

Some of the stuff he needs to work on will take years. 

Some of the stuff... I don't see how hes working on it at all. 

There is no clear ending to this... no clear goal or way to estimate how long it will be to reach a vague goal.

The situation is very clear: the man i am in love with doesn't want a relationship with me. 

Never in the past have i lowered myself to pine for someone I could not have. never. 

I accepted the fact and moved on. 

But not this time. 

Why?

Why am i doing this to myself?

I say that i'm open to the idea of dating someone else but i can't make myself interested in other people. In fact, I secretly resent those who have confessed to having feelings for me...

I don't want their love. I want his. 

But he does't have any he can give/spare because hes working on himself. 

I get it. Logically. 

I can't truly empathize because i don't understand not being able to do both. But that just means that we are at different levels in maturity and emotional depth... 

and its not fair. 

I shouldn't be the one who only gives love. 

I have this intense loneliness an frankly i don't see how people can have unrequited love and not go mad. 

And if this was truly 100% unrequited then i could move on... but he says he loves me. I don't think he does but until its proven i don't think my heart can let go. 

and it hurts. 

It hurts so fucking badly. 

"if you love each other then why does a label matter?"

security.  whats the difference between holding a cable vs holding raw wires? they are the same thing at their core... only one is safe and the other hurts. 

He has gone from being the most reliable and steadfast source of comfort and peace in my life to being what brings me the most pain... and i must be a fucking masochist because i can't stay away. 

If i was smart i would cut him out of my life. completely. block him on everything. never talk about him. delete every single photo of him that i have.
But thats ridiculous. The idea of cutting him out of my life for good makes me want to jump from a bridge.

but i can't even bring myself to remove him from my lock screen. 

I'm just this pathetic girl hung up on her ex with no relief in sight. 

I want to see him, all the time... I want to see his family... i want to see his friends. I want to be his family... 

he wants to be friends.

Seeing him hurts me. Not seeing him hurts me. 

I don't know what to do.