attachment and dating

 its becoming clear to me that I have a pattern. 

Its always been hard for me to grow attached to people and then when I do I am 100% the opposite - I am ALL about them. But it takes me a hot minute to get attached  - usually through trauma bonding. 

There was 2 relationships out of my adult relationships that I had a gradually building attachment; with a slower courtship, everything else was kind of an initial interest with no attachment to pressure cooking into an intense attachment - so much that I couldn't let go even though I knew it wasn't healthy. 

So doing what I do... I researched. Apparently its called Fearful - Avoidant Attachment style. 

"People with fearful-avoidant attachment styles may show up to a party [or date] because they want to meet new [people]. At the party [or date], they seek out closeness with other people, perhaps engaging in deep conversations... However, at the end of the evening, they don’t feel particularly close with any of those [people] and won’t reach out to see them again. This is because they have a difficult time feeling intimate with others, platonically and romantically."

^^^^^ that is me to a FUCKING T. 

I can get suuuuuper deep and philosophical and discuss like intense things with people, I can be super compassionate and empathetic, and have just the BEST time. and then be totally fine with never talking to them again. Its why I am AMAZING at first dates but the second one fizzles and by the time the third date rolls around i'm like.. "what's the point?" 

its why I have the 3 date rule. I sort of feel like I owe someone 3 dates - but I can also be like "after 3 dates, I don't see it going anywhere, thanks" and walk away with no worries. 

I also do not initiate any of the dates. ever. I'll initiate conversations (sometime) but I haven't actually felt interested enough to initiate the date. I won't say no to one, but if the date gets initiated before I have developed any interest... its almost guaranteed that it won't change. At least so far it hasn't. 

I like chatting online, but its soooo hard for people to hold my focus. Idk. I want to meet people and connect... but its so hard to actually CONNECT. Conversation is not hard but while the content may be deep the connection to the person is at best surface level. 

I don't want to give up the hope I'll meet someone, but I also feel like it would have to come out of no where. Like...  I need a friendship to turn into a relationship or sort of like with what happened with my first girlfriend where there was initial interest but we both hung out as "friends" before either of us changed the context. 

Dates just have too much pressure and expectation. I don't want to be responsible for that person's feelings if I can't develop an attachment. 

I know what I want in a relationship. But I can't seem to figure out what it takes for me to become initially interested. 

Even if there is initial interest; it still takes a lot of time for me to grow attached  - and in the past it seemed just when I finally let go of any fear in a relationship - it ended. As long as I had a back up plan (in case they left) it seemed they wanted me... but as soon as I stopped constantly planning for the end, they didn't want me anymore. To date, I havn't really seen any good examples of lasting relationships (not healthy ones at least). I havn't experienced any. 

The way things are now, I don't think i'll be able to develop a romantic relationship; not a healthy one.  I will say out of these 5 issues with dating - the first two only happen in the initial "dating" stage, not when in an actual relationship. The last three are true only in a committed relationship - not in the casual "dating" phase. 

1. Difficulty opening up: Fearful attachers may have a hard time sharing their feelings and vulnerabilities with a romantic partner, for fear of being judged, rejected, or abandoned. They may also fear that their partner will see their flaws and imperfections and withdraw from the relationship.
2. Mixed signals: Fearful attachers may send mixed signals to their partners, alternating between hot and cold behavior. They may push their partner away one moment and then pull them back in the next, leaving their partner confused and uncertain about where they stand. They often don’t even realize when they are doing this.
3. Jealousy and possessiveness: Fearful attachers may feel intense jealousy and possessiveness in their relationships, due to their fear of losing their partner. If they are on the more anxious side of the spectrum, they may become overly attached and clingy, demanding constant reassurance and attention from their partner. If they are on the more dismissive side of the spectrum their jealousy may cause them to push you away or withdraw.
4. Sabotaging the relationship: Fearful attachers may engage in self-sabotaging behaviors that undermine the relationship because of their lack of faith in themselves and others. They may push their partner away in an attempt to test their partner’s loyalty or to preemptively end the relationship before they can be hurt.
5. Difficulty ending the relationship: Fearful attachers may also have a hard time ending a relationship, even if it is not healthy or fulfilling for them. They may cling to the relationship out of fear of being alone or fear of the unknown, even if it means staying in an unhealthy situation that is causing them pain or distress.

I feel like my only hope is to meet someone organically - but at the same time I really don't have any hope because how the hell am I going to meet someone like that? I don't really go out; when I do I am glued to the only friends I currently have. My boss has said I have to fix my mind set (love myself more, get past my depression, get my trauma in check, stop holding onto past relationships, stop with the "I can't" "I need meds to fix me" mindset).

I need to fix a LOT with myself and I know that I am just not emotionally available for an actual relationship... but I am still so lonely. so so so lonely. I do CRAVE connection and intimacy but I also refuse to settle into something that isn't right. But I won't find someone unless I am open to it. 

idk. I feel like I am a walking contradiction.

I want the attention and the company but I don't want them to get too attached unless I do, and 9/10 I won't get attached. 

I really do need that slowburn reationship. I need that no expectations, open communication, patience, and flexible evolving love. 

Mind you once sex gets involved I want things to be exclusive - but not necessarily a committed relationship. For some reason that seems to be abnormal??  Which is why casual dating hasn't been successful for me. 

I'm too jealous and insecure for truly "casual" or open dating once sex gets involved. 

I'm not emotionally available enough to be in a serious relationship. 

I'm also just way to fucking picky. 

I almost want an exclusive casual relationship with someone who is romantic in behavior? 

But I almost wonder if you take away the pressure of romantic emotions and expectations, but provide security/safety with exclusive physical intimacy if I could feel safe enough to form an attachment with someone?

I think right now I just need someone who is laid back and fun, but has the same overall values as me. Where we can be exclusive to each other without a long term commitment.

I've said that my next relationship, faith would be a corner stone, and that I want to connect with someone spiritually - and swore that sex would not be the glue in the relationship. 

Now? I want respect to be the cornerstone, with a spiritual connection that leads to a romantic one. Sex can come naturally - I just want to make sure that I am wanted for ME and not for my body. 

But how the fuck am I going to find that at all anyway? When anytime I meet someone I instantly feel like I'm just chatting with a stranger that I will never see again. Even if I can agree with someone on important values and on paper they seem right its just like... cold in my chest. 

'

And I don't know what to do.