Therapy prep

 I always like to go into a new therapists office with some prep. 

Traumas to cover that I can list right off the top of my head:

• childhood abuse 
• physical & mental/emotional (mom & mary)
• memory loss from childhood... not a good sign. bipolar? osdd/fiona?
• my suspicion of molestation.... Little interferes every time I try to delve. 
• Sexual abuse, emotional/mental
• Corrie
• Emotional/mental abuse
• Lauren - learned the "you're broken and only I can love you" trope of manipulation....
• Emotional manipulation - the birth of my severe abandonment issues
• The foundary crew (Amy/Jimmie, Brooks/Maggie, Aaron); no relationship will ever last, everything is temporary, and they will always leave. 
• Emotional Abuse/single example of physical
• Jimmie
• "You're too much to handle, and not enough to satify" - burned into my memory. 
• Emotional/Mental Abuse
• Dalton - aka "Viking man"
• jesus christ how do I begin... 
• Sexual Assault
• Tyler

Triggers to fearful responses (freeze, fawn)

• raised voices
• displays of agression
• ignoring of physical boundaries
• feelings of abandonment
• pain
• anything dealing with sex

Triggers to anger reaction/fight responses (all verbal.)

• feelings of being dismissed
• feelings of being ignored
• feelings of rejection
• feelings of being humiliated
• being disrespected (roasting is fine. being talked down to is not.) - This has always been a trigger with my younger sister but now it is a trigger for any situation courtesy of Dalton. 
• feeling emotionally attacked/judged 

I have become a HIGHLY reactive person. I admit this. This is toxic and is a trauma response. 

However I disagree with the psychiatrist's "BDP" diagnosis because I lack a very key symptom. 

• When it comes to relationships I do not have the oscillation between extremes of “idealization” and “devaluation. I have seen this in EVERY SINGLE BPD person I have ever met. I do not have this. 
• While i do have intense/extreme anger very easily, I do not have EXPLOSIVE anger. 
• While I say that my bipolar has turned into a "new animal" and I have noticed that I can have mood swings multiple times throughout the day ON TOP of my drawn out episodes; I would argue that it is in connection to my anxiety/panic/hyper arousal. I don't go from hyper manic to deeply depressed in a day.  

While... yes... I do have a lot of symtoms of BPD... ALL of the other symtoms of BPD that I have are also symptoms of PTSD, CPTSD, and ADHD. 

I would also like to say that it is not uncommon for people with bipolar to also have BPD. 

Thoughts... I have copied over some differences between cptsd/ptsd and BPD. I will highlight the parts that apply to me. The parts that do not fit at all will be highlighted in red. Orange is very dependant on situation. 

• Although both conditions can lead to problems maintaining personal relationships, people with BPD tend to fear abandonment, whereas people with C-PTSD may avoid intimacy or relationships altogether because of ‘feeling somehow unlovable or undeserving because of the abuse they endured’. (I know I'm lovable... idk how to love myself though. not really.)
• People with BPD are more likely to self-harm, [My self harm is denial of basic needs. I do not cut myself.] than people with PTSD or C-PTSD.
• ‘While both those with BPD and C-PTSD struggle with emotional regulation and often experience outbursts of anger or crying, those with C-PTSD may experience emotional numbing, emptiness, or a detachment from emotions.’
• Someone with PTSD may be calmed by going to a familiar environment and being reassured that they are safe. This might irritate someone with BPD, who may respond more positively to being told their feelings are valid.
• People with PTSD are more likely to be triggered by a specific external trigger and think and behave rationally outside those triggers. For people with BPD, the triggers tend to be internal thoughts and feelings, which can be less predictable --> Both fit. 

Another source listed:

CPTSD

• Intrusive thoughts: Intrusive thoughts can include recurring memories, flashbacks, nightmares, and emotional or physical reactions to reminders of the traumatic event.
• Avoidance behaviors: People often avoid places or situations that remind them of a traumatic event. They may also avoid talking about anything related to the trauma.
• Increased arousal: Sleep problems, irritability, heightened anger or anxiety, and difficulty concentrating are a few common arousal symptoms.
• Emotional dysregulation: This is the inability to manage the duration and intensity of negative emotions. This may also include dissociation and disconnection from those around you.
• Negative self-view: Shame or guilt are more common with CPTSD than PTSD. With CPTSD, you may feel the traumatic events were your fault or caused by a defect in yourself. These emotions can lead to depression and suicidal thoughts.
• Difficulty in personal relationships: Trust is difficult for people with CPTSD because they tend to feel that people will inevitably hurt them.
• Loss of belief system: Your worldview or religious beliefs change.

... My faith (I'm pagan; polythiestic) has never weivered and is how I have survived everything. 

BPD

• view the world in extremes --> I feel like this depends on what they mean.
• quickly change values or worldviews
• have difficulty with impulse control --> ADHD symtom. 
• have impulsive behaviors, such as unsafe sexual intercourse, reckless driving, and spending sprees -- only when Manic or trauma flare ups. NOT a daily occurance. 
• fear abandonment and go to extremes to prevent real or perceived abandonment
• experience intense, inappropriate anger
• have suicidal thoughts and behavior -- ONLY when having a ptsd episode. not regularly. 
• have a chronic sense of emptiness
• experience dissociation -...... alters.?