getting better but not there yet

Its so hard now to think of everything that is wrong with me, now that I've finally gotten my trauma back into a box and i'm stable again. 

No more cryng fits. 

The flashbacks had dropped drastically. 

The sleep issues persist but idk if thats just my adhd or general hyperarousal. 

I can still tell that Fiona is more present, as I'm still in a vulnerable mental state with my anxiety and trying to force myself to be social.

I've got a third date tonight with a guy that Fiona doesn't like and while theres nothing wrong with the guy I also don't think I will want to see him again after tonight. Already my palms are sweating at the thought of saying so. Fiona doesn't get it (my hesitation) and she's irritated. 

I know the fear is stemming from the flashbacks. This guy is not Tyler. He has NOTHING in common with tyler. But he reminds me of him and idk why.

I'm so lonely but its so obvious I am not ready for dating. But then I start to feel better and I want to meet people.... and then by the time the second or third date rolls around I want to run for the hills. 

I'm turning into the toxic person. 

Texting people is so much easier. Its safer. Theres no pressure. Once you meet in person though that changes. 

Its just dinner and a movie. I don't need to be so anxious. 

...

But anyway; I'm no longer walking on a tight rope mentally. I'm not having anymore suicidal ideation. 

I am able to actually be happy and social during the day. 

My anxiety can be triggered and I flip flop in an instand, but OVERALL i am in a much better spot than I was two weeks ago. 

I'm so friggin lonely though.