lonely

so.. i'm lonely. I don't need a girlfriend to be strong, i don't need a girlfriend to be happy.But it would be nice. It would be nice to have someone to always talk to. It would be nice to have someone i can confide my  insecurities in without them thinking i am pathetic. it would be nice to have someone to encourage me to face my fears; to have someone always there to give me a boost; someone to encourage my artistic side; to have someone to be silly with; to have someone to be protective over; to have someone be protective over me.

It would be nice to have someone hold me, to come up from behind me and hug me me. It would be nice to have someone for me to hug from behind. It would be nice to have someone to comfort, to hold, to write poems for, to draw them pictures. I need a person who will take care of me and not feel burdened, but someone i can take care of as well.

But the more i think about the things i want in a girl, the more i feel like i will never find her; not any time soon if ever...

May all paths converge as one (Original song)

* i picture it being sung kind of slowly, but lively and to African drums.

people of the old, people of the new
follow the path that calls out to you,
be it at the cross, the earth or the moon,
follow your feet to where you need to...
walking together, holding of hands,
doesn't mater where your lands may fall,
we are all equal, in our paths,
all proud beings standing tall.

So beat it! Amen! Blessed be!
all to-ge-ther
namaste! be at peace!
no need to fight, no need to fight!
So be it! Amen! Blessed be!
all together namaste!
be at peace

(tempo change)

you can pray to one god.
you can follow old ways.
you can cherish the land.
love is where you stand!
you can end your prayer "Amen"
you can call your god "father"
you can call the earth, your "goddess", "mother"
you can do none at all, its alright!

(back to normal)

So beat it! Amen! Blessed be!
all to-ge-ther
namaste! be at peace!
no need to fight, no need to fight!
So be it! Amen! Blessed be!
all together namaste!
be at peace

(next part speeds up)
It doesn't matter what you are
It doesn't matter what you say
We are stronger arm in arm
walking together every day!

no need to fight, no need to fight
no need to fight, no need to fight!

(music stops)
no.need.to.fight. we are brothers.
no.need.to.fight. we have eachother.
no need. to fight. so take a hand, take another...
no need to fight, love one another!! (drums start again)

So beat it! Amen! Blessed be!
all to-ge-ther
namaste! be at peace
!no need to fight, no need to fight
!So be it! Amen! Blessed be!
all together namaste!
be at peace!

Song: Run through the forest (inspired by britt nicole's "when she cries")

walking through the trees,
her hands are scraped there is blood on her knees
the tears are burning in her eyes,
she knows she lucky to even be alive.
but who will hear her when she cries?
who be the one to help her survive?

run through the forest
set your heart free
dance in the forest
let your pain sing out,
let it fall from your eyes
blessed one let it fall
you are not alone at all!

pretty boy pretending to sleep
he tries to block you the thoughts but they creep - in
he hears them through the wall,
he tries to fight the facts that's just down the hall...
but his parents they yell and they scream out!
his world is shaken by the pain and the doubt...

run through the forest,
set your heart free!
dance in the forest,
let your pain sing out!
let it fall from your eyes,
blessed one, let it fall,
for you are not alone at all!!

you're not alone!
we are inside of you,
don't be afraid,
let it out!
come to us and scream and shout!
we hear you

run through the forest 

set your heart free

dance in the forest

let your pain sing out,

let it fall from your eyes

blessed one let it fall

you are not alone at all!

we are the trees!
we are watching over you,
it will be ok, be ok,
you are part of everything!!
we love you...

run through the forest 

set your heart free

dance in the forest

let your pain sing out,

let it fall from your eyes

blessed one let it fall

you are not alone at all!

you're not alone!
you are not, not alone
you're not alone!
we hear you...
we love you...


blessed be.

*sigh*

well i don't think i will be getting a girlfriend any time soon. my only girlfriend came across me by chance. so i will probably have to wait two more years till i'm in college T_T.

So... i'll just put things that i hope my girlsfiend is like?

smart
funny
likes to cuddle
loooves to be silly
likes to go out, but doesn't mind staying in
open minded
spiritual
easy to talk to
playful
likes to do outdoors things
likes cats
likes to have light and heavy conversations
likes movies....
honest
positive
encouraging

uhh... yeah

Jake

One thing i am really looking forward to is swimming with Jake in  few weeks.  Jake is my best friend and has been my best friend for about 4 years now. we met in middle school, 7th grade, and he would bring me books to read. We both sat at "the good table" in art class and  we got along fine. In 8th grade i gew closer to him and we became really god friends. i sat with him at lunch and joke with him in math class.  But after that we went to different high school, thankfully it didn't change anything.  We ended up dating my...freshman? sophomore?... year in high school  Things didn't exactly end very happily and we stopped talking for a while. But it didn't last forever and now we are closer than ever.

To be honest, i love Jake. i will always love jake. If i were to, by some miracle, like guys then i would date him again in a heart beat. In fact, in a perfect world, i would like guys and i would still be with jake. If i had my way it would stay like that and if i could like guys and get married and live happily i would marry jake.

even now, if i was forced to get married i would choose jake over anyone.

He is closer to my heart than just about any other person (outside my family) and i wouldn't change that for the world. i just wish i could see him more often.

from now on

Well, i work in the library for my last class of the day this year and i am on the computer almost daily. So i think that i will just pick a topic, maybe at random, and blog about it! :D

sounds like a fun idea to me xD

cutting

OK, so i understand having suicidal thoughts. i understand being depressed, but the thing i don't understand is cutting. Yes i cut twice, once was because i paniced and needed something to calm me down, and the second time i was so angry i needed to hurt something and i was NOT about to hurt my cat.

but cutting because of depression? i just don't get it. how is hurting yourself physically going to help emotional pain? depression can already cause physical pain, why add more? Is it to match emotion to physical pain? is it to get a sense of control? idk.