goals

so we went to an assembly thingy today... first half was about goals, the second about drinking and how its so bad for you  blah blah blah.

i don't drink, i don't want to drink,  but i don't think it is evil.

ANYWAY

i want to focus on the goals part.

they said #1 find something you are passionate about.

• helping people
• culture
• love
• tennis
• aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand helping people

i really think i want to be a teacher... and i know i want to be a tennis coach.

okay. so helping people and culture... maybe be a social worker? possible. teacher? preferable. 

okay so long term goals:

• major in cultural anthropology, possible double major/minor in psychology, and education...go as far as possible degree wise. 
• become a teacher - preferably highschool teacher- (world culture, psychology, world history...)
• become a tennis coach

short term goals:

• Pass Physics
• find a way to pay for Agnes Scott
• graduate highschool
• don't get fried from My job that i start this month

there is a difference

there is a difference

between

wanting to die  

and suicide 

there is a difference

between

 longing 

and depression

there is a difference

between 

a happy smile 

and a mask

there is a difference

between

love of life

and misery

there is a difference

 between

acceptance

and self hate

there is a difference

between

loving others

and distractions

there is a difference

between 

who i am

and who i was

chickensh*t

soo…. yesterday was Woolard's birthday and i made a video for him.

aaaaaaaaand….


i was too much of a chickenshit to send it to him directly.

so i sent it to Mrs. Strathy (my art teacher who is also awesome) to send to him saying "i was looking at Lisa's youtube channel and found this. thought you might want to see it"

so here is his birthday video

and oh my gosh…i am sooooo pitchy!!! D:

here is the regional song:

done

so i have done all my math homework.

now i have even mor physics work to do.

fun fun fun.

ugh.

ugh. i have so much to do.

I have last weeks homeowrk to do.
Last night homework to do.
tonight's homework to do.
and physics work to do.

ick.
ugh.

um...

so today i have gone from sad, to angry, to sad to angry, to really sad... and now i'm numb. its like nothing is real, like i'm in a dream, like if i do anything it won't actually have any consequences. like i'm in a haze... i'm in a dream or a movie...

idk. i llike it and don't like it.

i wish it was a dream then i could do whatever i want.

but it isn't/ its reality... even if it doesn't feel like it.

too bad.

wow

wow… so i found out this morning that a boy at my school committed suicide. I just spent the last hour and a half with some grieving girls, giving hugs and listening tot hem talk. It was natural… i didn't have to think, i just had to let my heart move my body.

how am i supposed to go through the day like normal? granted i didn't know the boy, but… still.

I didn't know him, but i still feel a little bit guilty. He was bullied. And i never see bullies at work. i wish i could have helped him.

I almost killed myself freshman year. Woolard was one of the reasons i didn't.
Right now i just want to curl up in a ball in woo lards room.

I don't want to ddl physics. I don't want to do math. I don't want to read "a raisin in the sun" in theater. And i honestly don't want to go to art. I want to cry up in a ball and cry.

I almost caused this same kind of pain to my family… a sweet boy ended his life. he was sweet. and kind. and special. and loved…and lonely.

Me? i just don't feel like i belong in this life… but helping those girls, felt right. I didn't really do anything, i just kept a hand on them and listened.

I want to go back… help some more, but the girls went back to class.

I don't want to be in class.
I still don't want to be here in this life…

i will NOT commit suicide… but i still want to leave. I still want to go home.

But i am sorry that he had to choose that method.. that he felt so alone and desperate he had to kill himself.

I don't look down on him. I don't pity him. I understand… i've been there. I just wished i could have helped him...