It is what it is.

I've calmed down a bit. My best friend says that staci might just need some time to process what happened. 

Right.

Well she can process whatever she needs to. 

I have a Harry Potter marathon coming up tomorrow and Wednesday so... I'll give her those days and Thursday. Then, if she hasn't spoken to me by that time I'll reach out. 

And if she still doesn't know how to explain what she is feeling, I'll explain how I am.

It may start an argument but at least it might get her talking.

I hate silence when I love someone. But if she needs it, fine. Radio silence for the next 3 days.

I'm still hurt and confused but I'm strong and no matter what gets said I'll be ok.

I just wish she would fucking talk to me.

Explain what the issue is, why its me she has the issue with, and give me an actual answer other than "I don't know".

But there are 2 types of people. One needs time to mull it over and then they'll speak. The other prefers to get it out of the way and over with.

I am person #2.

Get through the conflict, get it out of the way, get this weight off my chest, and on toward the healing.

I'm tired of hurting. I've got jake to deal with in a matter of days and now this.

Feels like an elephant is sitting on my heart.

But for the next 2 days I am nothing but a happy nerdy anthrooloywog and I will focus on that innocent happiness.

And my cauldron cakes look damn good!

This is a rant. No logic, just emotion.

 This is bullshit. Staci is uncomfortable with staying over and going to the 2 day Harry Potter marathon with me because she is uncomfortable with me. 

She has a nagging feeling about what happened with Corie.

I'll tell you what happened. Corie expressed interest and I said NO. 

I chose Staci. 

What did I do wrong?

I told Corie no; I told Corie we couldn't hang out one on one; I told Staci everything. 

Should I have kept my mouth shut? No. But apparently I didn't do something right. 

Staci is uncomfortable with "us" and me because of Corie. 

This makes no fucking sense!

What did I do wrong?

What should I have done different?

Why is this still an issue?

Yes I work with her, I can't exactly quit my job.

Yes I consider her a friend but I don't hang out with her and I don't talk to her at work for more than 2 minutes consecutively.

I do the right thing and it's me she has an issue with? That so unfair!

What the fuck.

 Can't say I'm pissed, but I'm hurt.

Why is she uncomfortable with me, when I did the right thing? Shouldn't that give her confidence in me, instead of insecurity?

This is so backwards.

I don't understand it and my feelings are hurt.

I hung up because when I get hurt I get angry and I didn't want staci to see me cry and I didn't want to say something to hurt her. Because the more I think on it, the more upset I get.

Makes no fucking sense.

Freshman year grades

Societies from around the world : A

Intro into cultural anthropology: A

dynamic earth lecture: A

Intro to sociology: B

Basic constructions of math: B

Health: B-

Archeology around the world: A-

Intro to bio anthropology: A

World religions: B-

Dynamic earth lab A-

Total GPA: 3.75

AND that's while working an average of 20-25 hours a week. 

Damn. Not bad.

Are you fucking kidding me.

I literally just posted that I won't do anything to jeopardize my relationship with Staci and she snaps me saying we need to talk. When I ask if everything is ok, she says "idk we need to talk about something" 

If she breaks up with me... I'm going to flip my fucking lid. 

Btw...

Btw... That Corie thing won't be an issue. I am happy with staci and wouldn't ever do anything to jeopardize that. 

Besides Corie is in love with someone and is only looking for someone to pass the time with. 

Not my division. 

I'm happy where I am. 

Oh... And I talked to woolard, he made me feel better.

I want my dad

I want woolard :/

Admitting that I'm still hurt , well... Hurts. 

I don't know how to forgive myself... So in my pain o turn to my dad. I sent him a message but he hasn't seen it. I'll see if he has any advice for me.

I miss him. While sending him a message I realized just how much I miss him:(

I wish I could just give him a hug and have him tell me everything is fine. 

What I would give to see him right now :,(

Healing myself

Today I realized something. My energy is blocked... I knew this already. But now I think I know why. I was talking to Corie... Deep conversation.. And she helped me see it.

I'm still hurting. It's been a year and a half but my spirit is still hurting from jake. 

I constantly compare my relationship with staci to the one with jake. 

My heart still sinks just at the thought of him. 

I'm good at denial... I can deny im still broken up. Which... I'd say I'm not broken anymore... I'm fractured. I have put myself back together.

What I need is 3 things:

- closure: a face to face conversation with jake about how much he hurt me, how it's still affecting me, and...

- removal of jake from my life(if necessary): drop contact completely if closure is not enough.

- forgive myself: self forgiveness is really something I struggle with. I need to forgive myself for loosing a part of myself with jake. I let myself get lost in my love of him... Became disconnected with my spirit and have stayed that way. I need to admit that I lost myself, and forgive myself. I abandoned my inner spirit, and I need to know that it's okay. 

I need to forgive myself for holding on to the anger for so long. I need to forgive myself for getting hurt. I need to forgive myself for not confronting jake the day he hurt me, instead I buried it all inside me. Yes he read my blog but it's not enough. I denied myself closure, held on to pain so I wouldn't lose him forever. I hurt myself. And I need to forgive myself for that.

-mourn my loss: I mourned the loss of my boyfriend. I mourned the loss of my best friend. But I didn't mourn the loss of myself. When my heart truly broke for the first time... A part of me died. The blissfully unaware nieve side of me that truly saw good in everything and everyone died. Now I'm slightly less nieve, but now I know actual pain. I can never go back to the girl I once was. I never mourned for her. I need that. 

3 steps.

This is going to hurt. But after a year and a half? It's long overdue.