Healing myself

Today I realized something. My energy is blocked... I knew this already. But now I think I know why. I was talking to Corie... Deep conversation.. And she helped me see it.

I'm still hurting. It's been a year and a half but my spirit is still hurting from jake. 

I constantly compare my relationship with staci to the one with jake. 

My heart still sinks just at the thought of him. 

I'm good at denial... I can deny im still broken up. Which... I'd say I'm not broken anymore... I'm fractured. I have put myself back together.

What I need is 3 things:

- closure: a face to face conversation with jake about how much he hurt me, how it's still affecting me, and...

- removal of jake from my life(if necessary): drop contact completely if closure is not enough.

- forgive myself: self forgiveness is really something I struggle with. I need to forgive myself for loosing a part of myself with jake. I let myself get lost in my love of him... Became disconnected with my spirit and have stayed that way. I need to admit that I lost myself, and forgive myself. I abandoned my inner spirit, and I need to know that it's okay. 

I need to forgive myself for holding on to the anger for so long. I need to forgive myself for getting hurt. I need to forgive myself for not confronting jake the day he hurt me, instead I buried it all inside me. Yes he read my blog but it's not enough. I denied myself closure, held on to pain so I wouldn't lose him forever. I hurt myself. And I need to forgive myself for that.

-mourn my loss: I mourned the loss of my boyfriend. I mourned the loss of my best friend. But I didn't mourn the loss of myself. When my heart truly broke for the first time... A part of me died. The blissfully unaware nieve side of me that truly saw good in everything and everyone died. Now I'm slightly less nieve, but now I know actual pain. I can never go back to the girl I once was. I never mourned for her. I need that. 

3 steps.

This is going to hurt. But after a year and a half? It's long overdue.