First day

First day back and so far.... Spanish doesn't seem terrifying. 

I'm about to start english.... Kinda nervous. I don't know what to expect 

Thoughts that keep me up at night

It is 4:30 am and after about an hour of sleep my little sisters phone conversation wakes me up (around 3am). Now I can't sleep again.... But who needs sleep when you have dark thoughts to wallow in?

As usual the first thing that comes with any depressive wave is jake.

3 years later and the asshole still has an effect on me. 

I know what I'll say to him next time he's in town and wants to hang out:

"We are not going to hang out. Small contact us fine; a snapchat here or there. But we are not going to hang out unless 

A- someone dies and you need comfort

B- someone hurts you the way you hurt me. I don't mean just a break up, I mean totally breaks your heart. To where you still have a negative effect over 3 years later.

They say you never forget your first love. And they are right. so when you have your heart shattered to the point that you are no longer the same person? THEN we can hang out."

In the 3 years since that time I have dated as many people. I havnt been in love with a single one. I'm scared I can't fall in love. I've tried... But it's not something you can force.

What if I'm broken? I can have an unconditional platonic love for anyone but what if I can't have real romantic love?

Am I broken?

These are the thoughts that bring a depressive wave so strong not even a cuddly purring and sleepy smokey can cure.

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Idea for story in previous blog

- explains the 5 levels of pleasure 

- what it means to be grey sexual 

-There was only one time I ever saw dmitri angry. I had been asked out by a guy and he picked me up. It went very well until the end. We pulled up to a park and made out, which was fine I guess. Until he decided he wanted to explore past my waist. When I moved his hands back up he tried again. When I pulled away and tried to explain I wasn't comfortable he got angry. Long story short I ended up having to hitch hike since my phone was dead. I was dropped off at the gas station and to my luck it was still open. Dmitri was manning the register and when he saw u had been crying demanded I tell him what happened. He even asked me to explain why I was ok with kissing but not touching. Laughing he said that dating me was like signing up for permanent blue balls. When I agreed he laughed again but asked why I was crying. I then explained how angry my date had gotten and how I was given the choice to either sleep with him or walk over an hour to my home. That's when dmitri got mad.... To make it short and sweet he drove me home and made me give him my sate's phone number. The next time I saw the asshole he had a broken nose and wouldn't look me in the eye.

My main character will be panromantic and grey sexual (good with the sensual and non with the sexual)

Blog and then bed

Why is it, in the warmth and comfort of my bed at night... When I have no pretenses or obligations to uphold and shape my behavior... When I am safe but feel vulnerable that these sad thoughts come?

I know I am amazing and am I fantastic person. It seems the longer I'm single, the more okay I am with it. But for the past few days... I've been... Lonely? Scared? That I won't find someone.

Honestly.. I won't find someone who will make me feel like I did with jake. It's been over 3 years and his impact on me remains. I don't want him anymore... I want the feelings he brought.

The secure, safe, and loving feelings. The ability to talk about anything. How easy it was to play and laugh. Knowing that I would be taken care of and pampered but being able to do it back.

I honestly feel like I won't find a love like that again in this life. I'm scared that I really will be alone... 

And this fear makes me more reclusive which only isolated me and makes it harder to meet others. 

These are the thoughts that come when I am the most comfortable in my bed, alone, and left to my thoughts and heartbeat.

where dreams began..... (short story? novel? who knows i'm going with it) Part 1?

I smiled as i awoke. Out of the numb darkness came a warmth and pleasantness that settles around me. I felt his arms tighten around my torso and felt the curtains of his golden hair caress my face as he leaned over me.

"good morning princess..." his lips murmured against my forehead. I scrunched my nose at him.
"You know i hate it when you call me that." I didn't. I loved it. Which he knew. His chuckle was such a beautiful sound that i opened my eyes to see him....

but all i saw was my room. The ghost of his laugh leaving my ears i struggled to sit up. My alarm clock read 6:40. five minute till it started screaming. I debated trying to sleep that last 5 minutes to reclaim my sweet dream but knew it was too late. It was very rare to dream about him... my faceless knight. At least i liked to think of him as a Knight. Or a prince. He had only come to me in glimpses in dreams. I closed my eyes despite the awareness that being awake brought.

The Golden wheat colored hair that ran like rivers down his shoulders. his pointed ears that peaked out through the golden curtains. The strength in his arms, which had lean muscles, but defined. I could only imagine that the rest of his body looked the same. I could never keep the memory of his voice alive, but i could recall his scent in detail. It was natural and comforting. But sweet. The closest i had ever come to it was smelling wild honeysuckle in the woods after a rainstorm. I knew he was beautiful, ebe without ever seeing his face. An he loved to laugh...

screaming. Ah yes. The alarm clock,

Groaning i smashed the button to silence the dreaded machine and forced myself out of bed. I usually dressed in bright colors but after dreaming about my elven prince i was in the mood for earthy tones. I decided to wear a tie-dyed green flowy skirt and a tight brown tank top. Naturally, i went with flip flops. My hair? being in a short pixie cut made it convenient. when it became obvious that the brush was no match for my bed head i deiced to add a little moose and blow-dry it. perfect head-out-the-window look. Just my style.

I made my way through the house as quiet as possible, grabbing my purse and my car keys and tip toes to the dor as best as i could. My mom had another hour to sleep before she had to head off to work and i really didn't want to wake her up.

Outside it was freezing. The sun wasn't up yet, although it would be soon. I climbed into my car and as i cranked it remembered the volume level it was set on the night before. With wicked fast reflexes i hit the mute button before my eardrums could be sacrificed to the music gods. letting out a sigh of releif i turned to the opera CD i made and slowly increased the volume. I couldn't help but sing along to the sweet voice of Hayeley Westrena. There was something so pure about it. Naturally  i went for the high notes, and to my surprise i didn't crack the glass windows.

It was an hour long drive to campus which allowed me time to slowly wake up and greet the day. My favorite part was seeing the sun rise beside me as i drove; as the light filled my car so did positive energy, Energy that i could sit and absorb for a full hour before coming into contact with other people and their bullshit.

I smiled when i felt the first warm rays hit my face. It was convenient that it was to my side rather than in front of me. That way i could enjoy the sunrise without being blinded. Not that it would be that bad.... the long road from home to campus was pretty much deserted until around 8. As per usual about half way there i stopped at the friendliest gas station i knew. And i mean that sarcastically.

"Hey Dmitri!" i said brightly to the young russian man behind the counter. Dmitri is.....an acquired taste. Just like his coffee. I swear the man put magic in it. He was a very pleasant fellow - to look at. He had the deep brown eyes and hair to match, which he usually wore in a ponytail or man-bun. Like a model on some romance novel cover he had the chiseled jaw and cheekbones that could make any girl swoon. He wouldn't even have to open his mouth to get a girls number.. which was a good thing because the second he did everyone would know how much of an ass he is.

He nodded a greeting as he watched me walk around the shop like a hawk. His gaze use to unnerve me, now i just found it amusing. I fixed myself a nice hot cup and made my way over to him and the register.

"see something you like?" i teased winking at him. He scoffed and took my coffeHe looked at the small cup in a mix of shock and what possibly could have been offense.
"You don't want much of my coffee?" he asked, his accent thick.
"I don't get payed till wedensday Dmitri, you know i love your coffee." I said handing him the little cash i had on me.

He smirked and said "yeah you do." and took the cash. Only when he handed me my change he also handed me a large empty cup. "Go get your fuckin' coffee, ребенок." I looked at him an smiled. As rough as he seemed, he only spoke russian to those he actually liked. Or who really pissed him off; although i had never seen it i had heard stories.

"what did you say?" i called behind me as i fixed the large cup. He always called me that although i had no idea what it meant. I was taking Spanish in school, not Russian.

Calling all the faeries

So. I have a theory.

I really think that faeries live amongst us. Solitary or trooping, maybe both. But I believe they are here. I don't think every person I meet us one... But maybe one or two strangers I've seen or met... I felt or sensed something.

Now, the fae love to hear about themselves and might do a search.... And stumble upon this blog. Well. 

Hello and please contact me. I'm trying to reach out to you. 

I have respect and SO MANY QUESTIONS for you. 

I know you are out there. I know.

Gods above maybe I've finally snapped haha. 

But I believe. And I am unashamed. Please, if you are out there, I'm calling. 

With love.

New Years

So happy New Years!!!

New Year's Eve I went to an epic gay bar in Raleigh and had a blast! I got pictures of and with one of the drag queens! It was so fun!

And then New Year's Day rolls around....

Lunch with Mary's side of the family.... Yay.... I love them all. I do. But I feel so out of place. First off when they found out where I went dancing they all had shocked and almost disgusted looks in their faces. It pissed me the fuck off. 

I could feel their disapproval the entire time although they never said anything. Especially from my uncle. 

But when can I expect? He's a preacher... I'm a gay pagan.

I was content to just listen to all the conversation while we ate, lest I open myself to more judgement by any of my answers. Mary tried to make sure I felt included and it was sweet. 

I love them all I do. And they love me. But I feel so judged sometimes. 

And then I posted the pictures in facebook.

And the creepy Russian customer that keeps trying to get me to go see a movie with him starts commenting. It's fine I guess until he makes the comment that I havnt found the right man.

And when I contradict him he basically said "I'm not going to argue with you. I'm older, I know."

Ass.

And then I sent him this:

And let me explain how he even came to be in my facebook...

He found me on there. AND on several other social media sites. He told me all my different user names in the store saying that I needed to accept his friend request..... 

Well. He had his one warning shot. 

Then he gets blocked.

And if he tried to say anything in the store.... Oooohhhhh it will be interesting.

So thus.... My New Year came and went.