valentines day

today is going to fucking suck.

class until 12:00
foodlion 12:30-4:15.
grab some make up and go straight to bistro
4:30 - ?? bistro.

no time to eat anything.
the entire day.


and bistro?

40 tables. 90 guests. 4 servers.

today.
is.
going.
to
fucking.
suck.

to pack and do for rach's trip

• get vodka from mom for her punch
• pack....
• fancy dress
• high heels
• genes and boots + hoody + long sleeve shirt for day time
• comfy cloathes to drive back
• put coat in car
• get tom collins mix  x 2
• get gin
• ask jimmie to care for cats... (just check on them and make sure they have food and water)
• if yes give jimmie key
• get cash out for tolls
• fill up in gas
• 
  

to do

• pay utilities
• get tires on car
• get car inspected
• pay car taxes -- > washington DMV is fastest 
• online cruise check in
• read poetry text book
• write 4 page paper
• refill meds --> pick up meds

events coordinator

So... I think I really am in love with him.
This is terrifying and exciting.


I can actually kind of see.....a future with him?

This is also exciting.... but terrifying.

He's going somewhere with his life. He surrounds himself with successful and driven people. He is driven and headed for success.....

meanwhile I feel like i will never be able to make it past minimum wage, menial jobs. I don't know if i will fit in with the people he associates with.

I want to. Hell yeah I want to.

I've always been good with people...

But my tendency to feel inferior and intimidated is spiking just at the thought of meeting some of his friends.

but at the same time.. he has powerful freinds... is it wrong to hope that they may be able to help me?

I'm great with people.
I'm good at planning and reaching out.
Networking with people isn't hard...
its all conversation and communication.

Which means I could be a good secretary....receptionist....
OR as Maggie suggested... an events coordinator.

i looked into it... its up my ally.

I really want to do it.

I enjoy planning events
I know how to work with a budget
I know how to communicate
I want it.

That is the big kid job that I want.

Cruise list

• Leave 7-8am 
• Packing.....
• 2 nice outfits 
• Tennis shoes 
• Sunglasses 
• 6 outfits - jeans and dresses
• Bathing suits 
• Tooth brush
• Tooth paste 
• Blue vodka in listerine 
• Wine 
• 7 pairs of undies 
• Shampoo and conditioner 
• Flip flops 
• 6 pairs of socks 
• If have room - towel
• Tank top pajamas 
• Bathing suit cover 
• Important stuff in draw string bag
• Pen and notebook
• DVDs / Hannibal and laptop 
• Pads and tampons - last 4 days on period
• Phone and laptop charger 

Things on the boat

• Comedy show 
• Spa
• Princess - sting rays 
• Night clubs - boots
• Lounges 
• Fancy dinners 

Safe words:

Are you uncomfortable/ do you need help = do you want a beer?

I am uncomfortable/need help = can you get me a beer? 

taxes

my taxes have been filed. i can breathe.

i'll get about 200 back, which i will use to pay my car taxes and get it inspected. if it arrives in time then i'll use it to buy tires before i go to new york to see racheal.


this was stressful. i had to start over like 4 times.

but i got it.

and i will be filing it myself from now on.

Little tears

it’s really pathetic how easy it is to hurt. It can litterally happen over nothing.

An easy light hearted conversation leads to one comment and boom. All of my insecurities rush forward.

it wasn’t meant to be hurtful. But still, there were tears in my eyes as I drove home.

Pathetic.

It’s only natural that he wake in the night and his first instinct is to reach for Amy. He was with her for years and ready to spend his life with her. It’s only natural that it should happen.

I understand it.
A part of me is sad that he didn’t get the life he wanted with her. A part of me is sad that I can’t fix that. I can’t be her. And it’s obvious that a part of him still wants that life that could have been.

I wouldn’t expect any less.

So then why does it hurt?