Prayer for 2020

*** Burn candles, anoint figures, light faerie incense, and have white zen and a snack ready****




I send this prayer to the ones above and below

May they hear my voice and know my heart

releasing the fear and sorrow,

and help me to move forward with this new start. 

Demeter, mother of prosperity and harvest

you who makes the world seem whole, 

your grace and love steady me when i'm groundless,

I pray to you now, steady my soul. 

Queen Mab, Magic and Power surrounds you

Remind me of the olden ways, 

For faerie power lies within me too,

lessons in the form of dreams in day. 

Brigid, Quiet guardian of strength and steel,

You guide me through ways unknown,

teach me how to live and heal

help my spirit and power grow. 

Aine, goddess of healing, strength, and love

take this heart of mine, hurt and scared

Be the voice that assures me now

I am safe and loved, even when it seems no one is there. 

Cernunnos, father wild and free,

I feel i need your help the most, 

while my wildness is locked away inside of  me,

I walk through life little more than a ghost. 

Bast, my silent but watchful friend,

I have not forgotten you. 

My love for you knows no end, 

and I pray I have your guidance too. 

Thoth, bird of the word,

I ask your help for projects and school,

May my focus and inspiration be spurred,

Wise man, please help me not to play the fool. 

I call out to my fae and spirit friends, 

though I have little to give

I ask for your patience and love,

I'm still learning how to live. 

I burn this offering, I give food and wine

In your name and to share the energy,

I know the faults in life are mine,

but i appreciate your help. Blessed be. 

***drink wine and eat snack****

Sojourner: Introduction to situation - Chapter 1 of memoir work in progress

"Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn, presented once again. So, where you made a faulty choice before, you can now make a better one,and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.” – A Course In Miracles-- 

I am a firm believer that all the hard times and obstacles that we come in contact with are lesions that we must learn in this life. This memoir is the telling of one of the most difficult trials that I have had to face, how it changed me, and the lessons it taught me. I will now issue a trigger warning, this is a story about sexual and mental abuse, learning my own resilience, and how to start the life long journey of healing. 

I have never liked the word "abusive," at least not when it was in context with me. I use to hate saying "I was in an abusive relationship;" the words felt heavy and oily making me want to shudder in disgust. These words felt like a brand pressed into my skin and rendering me weak and scarred. For a long time I felt that others could smell the seared flesh of my heart and mind and that's why I seemed to draw out the worst in people. It made me easy to manipulate and when I spoke those words out loud it filled me with an overwhelming feeling of weakness and shame. I was ashamed at letting it happen in the first place, ashamed of how long it took me to leave. It wasn't until I finally confided in my mother years later that she made me realize that what I went through didn't make me weak, that my brain was lying to me. 

"You are a survivor. You got out of that situation and I'm proud of you." It took me even longer before I believed her words to be true. A survivor did not enter that relationship, an innocent girl with an open heart and mind did. A survivor is who coldly walked away and never once doubted herself for it. "Survivor" was a word with just as much weight as "abuse," only instead of being a rock that held me at the bottom of an ocean of shame, it was a mountain that lifted me above the waves as long as I had the strength to climb.

If you had asked me what an abusive relationship was when I was younger I would have told you of broken bones and bruises pooling beneath torn skin. I would never have thought to describe laughter and smiles in the light of day, but tears and silent screams in the night. I thought I knew what abuse was, screaming and degradation followed by flying fists. Emotional manipulation and sexual coercion were foreign concepts to my young mind. Abuse victims were supposed to be quiet and withdrawn, easy to see and help, they didn't go out with their oppressors and put on displays of happiness all the while hiding misery beneath laughter born from denial. Perhaps that was why I didn't know I was being abused. My inexperience leaving me helpless and ignorant to the fact that what I was experiencing was not normal. 

It all started with her. For the sake of her privacy I will name her... Camilla, after the character of a show we would watch together, moments when things were normal and there were no expectations. Even now all I want to do is see the best in her, but like the lesbian vampire Camilla, the very thought of her seems to suck the life right out of me. 

I first met Camilla when I was working in a grocery store. She was kind of quiet and was in obvious need of friends. After getting to know her, I found out that she was a traveler, a rolling stone who sought excitement and adventure wherever she went. Her energy was light and fiery and I was instantly swept away in the very existence of her. She seemed to like how sweet and innocent I was, having only been in my first serious relationship for little more than a month or so. It wasn't long before she made it known that she had set her hungry eyes on me and she began to pursue me. Up to that point, sex had been a neither-here-nor-there factor for me; as a yet to be identified asexual it was never very high on my priority list. However Camilla put in the effort to seduce me and made me aware of the world of slow seduction and sensuality. 

I never cheated, and in fact I even tried to put distance between us, although I was insanely curious to what she could teach me. Nevertheless, after being honest and transparent with my girlfriend of Camilla's advances, she became intimidated and broke up with me. Barley even a week later Camilla made her move. I wasn't interested in her romantically, but i was curious what she could show me, having been so new to the world of sex. I thought it would be a friends with benefits situation - she on the other hand made it clear she wanted a committed relationship. She wanted me to be totally hers, flattered and easily swayed, I figured "Why not?" even though my gut old me something was wrong. 

In the beginning things were fine, exciting, and intoxicating. I found that I got extreme pleasure from sensuality and seduction, foreplay was fun and felt ... nice. However I completely lost interest after that point. I had no sex drive and nor was I actually sexually attracted to anyone. At first Camilla seemed unbothered by this, I believe she choked it up to my inexperience. She told me that together we would work through it, but I came to learn that she meant to "fix me". She believed that if she could just make me orgasm then I would come to live sex as much as she did and i would have a whole new outlook on the subject. 

Once I came out as Asexual, having found a label and a community that made me feel less broken, everything changed. Camilla became less patient and less inclined to listen to my boundaries in the bedroom. When I didn't want her to do things to me she accused me of not trusting her. She seemed determined to go past my limit growing angry and frustrated whenever I couldn't take any more and make her stop. She began pressuring me into sex or telling me how sexually frustrated she was until I finally relented and let her have her way with me. This lead me to disassociate a lot during that point in my life. As soon as things went past my comfort zone I would cease to be, and my alternate self - Fiona - would take over until our body literally could take no more. I felt like I could not tell Camilla no and whenever I tried to explain how it all made me feel she would scoff and brush it off, making me seem like I was overreacting and our fights were my fault given how accommodating she tried to be with my "weird body". 

Everything came to a head one night, the night I call "the incident". Camilla bought me a "present" and had been pressuring me for days to let her use it on me. She figured that oral sex alone didn't do it for me and was so sure that penetrative sex would be the key to making me climax. Finally I relented and agreed. But as soon as she left my side to grab the dildo, I changed my mind. When she pushed the issue I was so scared that I froze and dissociated. Fiona took control, told Camilla "no" and shot down her arguments, dressed us, and got us home. After that i refused to let Camilla touch me and we broke up about a week later. I was 19 and she was somewhere between 23-25, I can't remember.

After that I went into complete denial about what happened that night and was able to remain friends with her until she moved away to her next adventure. It took me longer than I'd care to admit to block and delete her on all social media. 

I never thought to describe our relationship as abusive and even when it came to my attention that what we had was far from normal and healthy I hesitated to agree. I felt to call Camilla an abuser was unfair, I do not think she ever intended to hurt me or cause me distress. She was domineering and wanted total control when it came to sex, but her underlying goal was, in her mind, to help me. She found a younger and mold able partner, but I wouldn't mold the way she wanted so she became more forceful. I hope her intent was genuinely good, Fiona vehemently disagrees. As far as Fiona is concerned Camilla was a predatory woman who grew angry when she couldn't groom me into her perfect lover, she was a gas lighter who wanted control. 

Fiona grew more and more active when I was with Camilla, she remained active even after we had broken up. After finally coming to terms with the fact that I even had an alter, I began my relationship with my "head-mate." At first when I realized that she was a completely different version of me, a far less compassionate and far more logical version, I felt scared of her. She was always ready for a fight and would feel no remorse if she hurt someone. However, as time went on and I began to understand her I realized that she was a survivor. She was what made me strong - or so I thought at the time. She was my sword and my shield to life, taking the brunt of the trauma that happened and burring it deep, very deep, into the back of my subconscious. This worked for two years, until I had my first trigger and everything came rushing back at me all at once. 

zombie apocalypse

So its 2020... in both 1820 and 1920 there were massive outbreaks of sicknesss. So there is the looming theory that another will break out.... and now there is talk of a possible 3rd war or retaliation from Iran and its allies for killing its #2 leader.

i'm letting my writer brain take over and say: viral warfare leading to the zombie apocalypse. 

Now its time to assemble a team.... there may be tension but would make a solid group. 

Most important: Health Knowledge

- Amy

- Jimmie's EMT friend

Basic wilderness Survival knowledge

- Jimmie

- Dalton?

- Brooks?

Building/Engeneering

- jimmie

- Cory... ... maybe. 

- Dalton and Brooks can metal work. 

Second Food/Foraging 

- Brooks (can cook and foraging knowledge?)

- Me (can cook and fish - can learn to clean an animal)

- Amy (has herbal knowledge i think?) 

- Mom (can cook and clean an animal)

- Jimmie

- we need someone who knows how to hunt and trap

Supplies Runners/scouts

- Cara

- Me?

- Dalton

Textiles: clothes, blankets, nets, etc

- Aaron

- Mom

- me (a little.. I know how to mend or so on patches)

Sojourner; A Journey from Surviving to Living

As part of my therapy i am suppose to write my trauma narrative.
i've decided I am actually going to make it a publishable book.
I think it would be classified as a memoir.


Sojourner; A Journey from Surviving to Healing Living.

** I think I might start each chapter with a quote

1) Introduction

- Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn, presented once again. So, where you made a faulty choice before, you can now make a better one,and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.” – A Course In Miracles

- who I am: a survivor (hating the word abuse; i am not a victim, I am a survivor...)

- what this is

- summary of my story and what happened

-Fiona

2) Triggered; the path to therapy

-“We don't heal in isolation, but in community.” S. Kelley Harrell, Gift of the Dreamtime - Reader's Companion

- realizing I needed help... bringing up fiona and then her not believing me 

- first time going to therapy (fiona changing the topic and deciding we were fine)

- panic attacks ---> reaching out for help

- Finding the right one --> perfect combination of relatable and clinical

- finding out i'm not crazy,  the process of diagnosis and realizing all the symptoms
- crisis plan and the importance of support network. (give examples)

3) Trauma; The dark cloud that follows

-“When the dark clouds accompany us with the furious concert of Thunder, then the liberating rain will finally wipe away the tears from our cheeks.”

― sir kristian goldmund aumann

- Dissociation and Fiona 

- in depth look into the symptoms and confusion with bipolar : Arousal levels/irritability, dark thoughts/thinking traps, paranoia, aversion, denial...how therapy helped me through it. 

- the gut punch: memory loss and confusion.. the panic and that doubt it brought.

4) Thunderstorm; worst memories

- “We were exiles from reality that summer. We were refugees from ourselves.” Chris Cleave, Little Bee

- what little I do remember..

 - the forced walk to regain control.. feeling trapped. 

- competing with the woman from her past, "you cried for me.. now i know you're serious i'll stay with you"

- her reaction when i came out as asexual "we'll work on it together...to .. open relationship or breakup"

- The incedent. 

5) Relationships; 

- “After all, when a stone is dropped into a pond, the water continues quivering even after the stone has sunk to the bottom.” Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

-how every single relationship after that was affected... I was a changed girl. 

- sexless relationship lead to emotional manipulation: L

- trying to date as a sex repulsed asexual

- J- from sex repulsed to sex positive... the start of physical trauma panic attacks and comfort of BDSM 

- D; current... the fear and comfort. 

6) Thank you

- "“Problems should be like speed bumps. You slow down just to get over it, but you don’t let it stop you from heading to your destination." -Sonya Parker

- what I have learned 

- words to other survivors (men and women)

-where I am now in my journey

-from healing... to living: goals and hopes for the future. 

self care plan 2020

okay so there are 5 areas of wellness... they say self care should involve all of them... so i should need to do at least 1 self care for each area once a week.  The articles I read recommended making a list of 3-5 things in each area to pick from.

physical, 

- go for walks/to the gym

- skin care: face masks at least once a week. ( I have 3 kinds... do one of each on dif days?)

- take vitamin and thyroid meds

- drink hot teas

- use essential oils to aid in sleep. 

- eat some goddamn yogurt

- take ph balancing baths

- sex once a week? (idk i don't think i really get the rush of endorphins thats suppose to make sex benefitial?)

emotional, 

- play with smokey with laser pointer 

- take bipolar meds --> should be a given, but it counts

- make a list of good things that have happened so far that week or things to be grateful about

- write in therapy journal amd sessions once a week

- kink once a month minimum (relinquishing control allows me to relax for that span of time)

social,

- have sex once a week - the physical contact should release bonding chemical 

- go for a walk with another person (dalton? once a week?)

- hang out with mom

- hang out with a friend once a week... aaron? ariel? pub? pool?

- play with smokey. 

spiritual,  

- on sundays; tarot card for each day( physical and metaphysical) , oracle card for the week (blessing and forest)

- see what animal spirits want to talk to me

- go on guided meditation 15 min+

- take herbal/essential oil baths 

- go for walks to sacred spot and talk to the fae. 

- pray/talk to those on my alter

financial

- keep a financial calendar: know what bills will come out on what days

- make a weekly budget and stick to it 

- put money in savings ($25 a week)

- eat leftovers. 

- LEARN TO SAY NO

ok what i'm seeing is:

- walk on the weekends (and after work if daylight or if dalton is with me)

- at least 1 guided meditation a week or at least 1 card reading a week

- sex once a week for physical? and social self care. 

- play with smokey 

- make a financial calendar for each month --> keep at work? on phone?

- take a bath at least once a week with facemask and ph balancing additive (apple cider vinegar, ph balance bath bomb, lavender oil is good for it!!? EPSOM SALT)

weed

And while brooks is arrogant he is right.

I don't like weed. 

I have never had a good experience with it, DESPITE going into it with an open mind multiple time (which is where he is fucking wrong and shouldn't assume shit). 

I tried marijuana multiple times before I ever met him. I tried it with him. I tried it with others. Good people with good atmospheres.  I was in a good mood.  Each time I thought "maybe this time it will be different" and hopefully give it a try.... then its not. 

boring. 

The one time I didn't get angry I just closed my eyes because i was watching pretty patterns on my eyelids. So bored i went to sleep. 

Weed pro:

- it has good medicinal properties. 

Weed Cons:

- It stinks. so fucking bad. before and after you burn it... even "good" shit. bad shit smells worse. 

- It taste god awful. even second hand (via kissing).

- it has a weak or unpleasant high 

- It makes most people either incredibly boring or obnoxious. (there is maybe two people i've met that it didn't affect their behavior at all)

- easy way to get ripped off or cheated out of your money... because who are you going to go to? the cops?

Other than the medical properties of it I see nothing good about it. 

Its fucking disgusting. 

Next New Years

Next new years eve i will either have a proper game night or go out and party.

This years was a let down. I brought easy games that could be played with all levels of sobriety, with simple rules and funny results that would keep people engaged the whole time or spark funny conversations. I told my mom and sister to come because i thought we'd all be snacking and playing and laughing. 

instead there was a bunch of conversation that none of us (mom, cara, me, or VB) could relate to or contribute to. Very exclusive. Its kind of hard to feel festive and happy when the only conversation you can really have is about how you you cant be included in everyone else's conversation. Literally was just us kind of laughing at them because they might as well have been speaking another language. (mind you.. VB didn't care.. he was stoned and just chilling.)

They were incredibly bored... the one or two times they tried to have a conversation they found who they were speaking to rude, arrogant, and unpleasant. I suggested playing cards against humanity because its a game everyone can play, easy to understand, its fun and funny, and would have brought everyone together. Would have picked up the already disappointed moods (cara and me) and found a way to include everyone in something. 

Instead that was shot down with... dun dun dun... tarot card circle of death...  a complex game thats long and drawn out that we play every single time we ever decide to play anything while drinking. It took so long to even get that going that mom and cara ended up leaving because it was after midnight and they were bored (cara was also offended and trying to not fight anyone), I was bored and in a foul mood, and everyone was already drunk and obnoxious. The game was like it always is... long and relatively boring. 

I would have left when my family did if it weren't for the fact that i spent so much money on the liquor i didn't have money to go out, plus i didn't want to hurt aarons feelings. So i stayed... ending up having to grab the crown i had brought specifically for me so i would actually have some left because thats what others seemed to want to drink... instead of the two bottles of liquor i actually bought for the house. 

the only food was deviled eggs. (which if brooks and amy hadn't brought there would have been nothing)

the most exciting and arguably only enjoyable part of the night was when we all had to go save and take care of a girl that had obviously been drugged. Which is fucking sad. 

next year: proper game night or i'm going out. No party that i'm a "co host" for but feel like i can't even be a part of. Next year I will either have fun or go somewhere that i will.