Organized to show the doctor and to make sure I don't downplay anything.

List of issues: --- everything has been going on for a minimum of 8 - 10 months

• - constant PH imbalance 
• - levels of discharge - some days its normal but most days its ridiculous.  , 
• smell, 
• constant yeast infections that i wait forever to get taken care of.
• - discharge has a slightly different color. (I came in before for antibiotics with this but they really didn't do anything so I chalked it up to the ph imbalance)
• - spotting between periods and after sex
• - cramps in the ovaries, 
• this is a daily to every other occurrence. most of the time its minor like a 1 or 2 so I barely notice it anymore, but sometimes it can spike to like a 4-5 and make it to where I can't walk or move.  Jumps up to like 7-8 when on my period.
• this has been a steady building and i'm not sure how long its been going on. just steadily getting worse... started with just my period and then started carrying over between periods and has moved to almost every day.
• Pain during sex and intense cramps after 
• i have had to stop having sex because it hurt so bad and I was crying
• the cramps afterward are definitely because of the IUD. 

Prepartations for Valentines Day!

To do today:

- clean kitchen

- do the dishes

- pick up around the room

- vacuum

- catlitter

- run errands:

     - for dinner:

           - peach moscato

           - pork chops (8-10 of them?) - me, D, Dillion, Jessy, Adam

           - riced veggies - broccoli and cauliflower 

           - mayo

     - for sensation play

           - kissable body dust - adam and eve

           - flogger - mall

           - candles? - mall or crystal connection       

hypothetical move after we get our degrees.

Cost of living = how far the $100 is actually worth and livable wage

livable wage: Having it all — the ability to cover basic expenses, while still having "fun money" and contributing to savings --> all "together" salaries are calculated if we both work the minimum salary.

see if they have any jobs: https://meetgreen.com/contact/

all " i have found" is the minimum starting salary, there are plenty that pay higher. ( there are some that are lower for the event planner, but if there was enough above it i started at second lowest) 

Washington, DC

cost of living: 

$100 = 85.54

livable wage: 66,000

- average event coordinator:  46,000 

          - what I have found (green planner) : starting at 40,000  

- average welding salary: 47,000

          - what i have found starting at: 40,000

Together: 80,000 --> we could live comfortably here. 

California

COL: 

100 = 87.11

livable wage: 99,971

- average  event coordinator: 49,000 

          - what I have found (green planner): starting at : 36,000

- average welding salary: 48,000

          - what I have found starting at: 35,000

together: 71,000 ---> money would be tight here (depending). 

Oregon 

100= 100.5

livable wage: 93,000

- average event coordinator: 60,000

          - what I have found (green planner): starting at : 37,000

- average welding salary: 43,000

          - what I have found starting at: 35,000

together: 72,000 --> money would be tight (depending).

Washington State

100 = 93.98

livable wage: 77,000

- average event coordinator: 50,000

          - what I have found: starting at (green event planner) : 40,000

- average welding salary: 46,000

          - what I have found starting at: 35,000

together: 75,000 ---> just under living comfortably, could make it work. 

Maryland

100= 91.41

livable wage: 92,000

- average event coordinator: 50,000

          - what I have found starting at (green event planner): 35,000

- average welding salary: 44,000

          - what I have found starting at: 35,000

together: 70,000 --> money would be tight (depending)

Virginia

100 = 114

livable wage: 70,000

- average event coordinator: 47,000

          - what I have found: starting at (green event planner): 40,000

- average welding salary: 43,000

          - what I have found starting at: 35,000

together: 75,000 --> we could live comfortably here. 

South Carolina

100= 110

livable wage: 66,000

- average event coordinator: 45,000

          - what I have found: starting at (green event planner): 40,000

- average welding salary: 40,500

          - what I have found starting at: 30,000

together: 70,000 --> we could live comfortably here.

Georgia

100 = 108

livable wage: 62,000

- average event coordinator: 47,000

          - what I have found: starting at (green event planner): 38,000

- average welding salary: 37,000

          - what I have found starting at: 30,000

together: 68,000 --> we could live comfortably here

Florida

100= 100.1

livable wage: 68,000

- average event coordinator: 48,000

          - what I have found: starting at (green event planner): 30,000

- average welding salary: 41,000

          - what I have found starting at :30,000

together: 60,000 --> not too far under comfortable

Texas:

COL:

100= 103

livable wage: 64,000

- average event coordinator: 47,000

          - what I have found: starting at (green event planner): 46,000

- average welding salary: 40,000

          - what I have found starting at: 30,000

together: 76,000--> we could live comfortably here. 

Seeing a doctor.

So... I have been having the distinct worry that something is wrong with my feminine health. This almost intuitive worry has been here for a long time... before jimmie and i broke up. Well things are getting worse and Amy finally called me out on how even she is worried.... So I made a doctors appointment.

But I'm worried that since I can think of non-health reasons why these may be happening the doctors will dismiss me. but I made a list to print out when I go, so see if it will help. I'm nervous.  (my appointment is friday morning)

List of issues:

- constant PH imbalance - levels of discharge (at least 10 months, maybe longer), smell, constant yeast infections that i wait forever to get taken care of.
has been going on for like 8 months now?

- discharge has a slightly different color. (I came in before for antibiotics with this but they really didn't do anything so I chalked it up to the ph imbalance)
 has been off and on for about 8 months now.

- spotting between periods and after sex
has been going on for at least 10 months

- cramps in the ovaries, this is a daily occurrence. most of the time its minor like a 1 or 2 so I barely notice it anymore, but sometimes it can spike to like a 4-5 and make it to where I can't walk or move.  Jumps up to like 7-8 when on my period.
this has been a steady building and i'm not sure how long its been going on. just steadily getting worse... started with just my period and then started carrying over between periods and has moved to almost every day.

- there is pain in sex but i also have a large partner so idk if thats significant or not. But I talked with some friends and they said the level of pain isn't normal, even with a bigger partner.

I think I might have cysts which would explain the cramps
but ive chalked most of this up to just ph imbalance issues or my IUD.

however the common side effects of the IUD shouldn't have lasted for more than a year after getting the damn thing.... so logically I would argue against my desire to continue to dismiss what's happening. 

but they might. 

Sensation play - Sex notes.

To read - all are short:

- https://www.kinkly.com/the-ultimate-guide-to-sensation-play/2/14819
-https://lioness.io/blogs/sex-guides/sensation-play-how-to-engage-your-5-senses-to-heighten-sex-and-intimacy
- http://sunnymegatron.com/sensory-deprivation-sensation-play/
- https://unboundbabes.com/blogs/magazine/sensation-play

* I plan to get a flogger and some specific candles. Maybe make a playlist/find music we both enjoy and puts us in the mood?


Types of sensation:
- temperature
- soft/course
- pressure
- vibration
- music
- smell




Limits:
-I do not like cold. Cool things like breath/blowing or water is fine. (Or necklace chains, pens, etc)
- no butt stuff
-if something is... penetrating give a warning. (Not against it... just don’t do it out of the blue)
- I’m not a big fan of pain... biting should be gentle or used later in the play.

Suggestions:
- blindfold <3
- give commands like being silent or still (punishment if not obeyed)
- playing cold fish as a means to switch and play
- I like soft, wet, and warm sensations... but I’m open and adventurous
- edible body paint ;)
- massage oil
- flogger
- fork
- jewelry
- brushes

Can get creative!

Sojourner: An open letter to the reader

Dear reader,

Please understand that this memoir is a message from the me who has lived life to the younger me, the me who was hurting all alone, and to the me before I experienced fear at the hands of a lover. This memoir is a message from my heart to the hearts of all innocent people who have experienced similar pain and betrayal... and to warn and educate those who have not so that they may avoid the it’s cold and merciless lesson.

I had it easy. There are so many other people, men and women of all ages, who went through even worse than me... and though it may be small comfort know that this memoir serves as my arms. I pray that my words embraces your heart and shows you that you are not alone. Your pain and the weight you carry on your life’s journey is seen and honored. Though my weight is lighter, I can tell you my arms are not strong... this is a weight and struggle that has shaped my life and will continue to do so.

To those who feel like I do, that they got off easy... do not discount your pain. It is not a competition. The weight of your experiences is unique in its heaviness to you... while others may see it as light, you and I may feel as if we will crumble beneath it at times. Know that you are not alone. There are people everywhere that are more than willing to help lift it when things seem too heavy or your arms seem to weak.

This memoir is my voice to myself and to those who suffer in their own hearts, I am with you and you are loved. You are valid.

To those eyes that scan the page, unable to relate to the experiences shared - do not worry or feel excluded. Your heart is just as valuable to me as the ones who seek healing, for I wish to protect you and shield you. Take these words that I give and learn and be warned. Go into the world prepared so that no one can use you or ever make you feel weak and helpless. I pray that the knowledge I can pass from my pen to your page will make you strong and sure on your path.

Dear reader - my heart aches for yours and is hopeful that the ache within me is helpful to you. While this memoir started as a means for me to begin to heal, it is my hope that it does the same for all who read it.

With great love,

Lisa.

Sojourner: Introduction to abuse chapter - not finished but i need a break.

A lot of people find dominant personalities attractive. I always have... the aura of power they give off makes me feel 

safe and secure. Their visible confidence and the "I protect all within my control" vibe is sexy and alluring. I have 

always been interested in dominant people, as are a lot of others out there... however there is a really important 

lesson that I didn't know: there is a very dangerous difference between a dominant person and a domineering person. 

**define domineering vs dominant*

- insert Chart: dominant vs domineering behaviors compared - 

An example of something Domineering that Camilla would do was exert control until she had her way. She did this 

once when things were tense between us by taking me for a long walk to clear the air. She always said that clear 

communication was important, ironically this only applied to what she wanted to communicate. We got into the car 

and she was displeased that I was being distant in my body language. I was close to the door, my hands were either 
in my lap or my arms were crossed, I can't remember which one. I remember being slightly uncomfortable because 
she had insisted on driving and on going for this walk even though it was already getting dark. I get scared 

walking in the woods in low light or night time because I have very poor dark vision. 

When we got there she tried to hold my hand and I was reluctant to do so, we held hands for only a few minutes 

before giving up. I voiced my unease at how dark it was getting but she said that we would walk and wouldn't go 

home until she was satisfied that we were "okay". She mentioned how I wasn't holding her hand in the car and that 

I had been distant lately and she didn't like it. She wanted me to be more affectionate and how I was when we first 

started dating.

 I tried to talk about how things were uncomfortable in the bedroom and how I felt like she was ignoring my 

boundaries but she chalked it up to me "not trusting" her and telling me it was my own fault. She launched into how 

dissatisfied she was in the bedroom and how she couldn't get off if I wasn't getting off. She didn't like how soon I 

stopped her when we were having sex and insisted that if I just let it go longer then I would get past my body's 

weirdness (which is what we called my asexuality before I knew it was an actual thing). She went on about how 

things would just be easier if I started doing more on my own time so that I knew what my body liked and she could 

get me off finally ( she wanted me to masturbate - something I had, and have, no desire to do - this was a constant 

fight we had). 

I finally stopped trying to defend myself because I was tired of how she flipped it back on me and just started nodding.

I told her i would try harder. By this time we had walked a lot farther than I was comfortable with, we didn't exactly know

 where we were, and it was super dark. Once I started telling her what she wanted to hear she deemed that we could 

turn back and walk to the car... which was miles away. We held hands and talked about mindless nothings on the way 

back, I was just relieved to be going home. I tried to make my body language more open when we were back in the car,

 tried to make my hand and arm relax as she held it while driving so that I wouldn't give away how uncomfortable I was. 

What she did wasn't abusive. It was domineering. She had total control and I knew exactly how powerless I was. I was 
scared on the walk, having to rely on her to be my eyes. I was angry when she kept refusing to turn back, something i 
was to scared to do on my own. I felt helpless and scared, angry at my own helplessness and that her refusal to listen 
to me had gotten us lost. The worst part was that it achieved what I think her goal was the entire time... I felt defeated. 
After that situation I stopped arguing with her so often out of fear she would do something like that again. My already f
ragile self esteem began to plummet almost instantly. The long walk back was almost like foreshadowing on how the 
rest of the relationship would be, Camilla leading the way and me growing more 

quiet and diminished.  

I remember feeling like there was a squirming  weight on my chest... almost like the time I went snorkeling and realized

 my only air supply was through a small tube. I remember it clearly as I write this. I want to call it panic but it's much 

quieter of a feeling... it burns almost as if I am drowning and my lungs are filling with water. I wanted to disappear or to 

wake up and find that what just happened was just a nightmare. I knew that what I was feeling meant that something 

wasn't right but I also couldn't pinpoint what was wrong either. This only contributed to my confusion and sense of 

helplessness. This physical symptom, one I had experienced before when having a depressive episode, should have 

been enough. If a relationship makes you depressed, then it's one that should be ended. I felt bound and obligated to 

her... Looking back I wish I could talk to my younger self. I wish I had talked to someone about what was happening. 

Following our talk, I realized is when our relationship turned even more toxic and I just took the abuse. I started 

dissociating more and more whenever we fooled around in the bedroom. I started faking sounds and traumatizing my 

body to try and last longer when she decided she wanted to have sex - to this day I still can't stop myself from faking 

sounds of pleasure when I have sex. It became a survival method... the more noise I made the less reluctant and 

aggravated she was when I would ask her to stop. I would allow things to go on far longer than was physically 

comfortable every single time... this is what would later cause me to have physically triggered panic attacks and made 

me realize I might have PTSD. 

Camilla up to that point had been aggressive and coercive in the bedroom, but I had been challenging her and standing 

up for myself. With a single power move she broke the fighting spirit that I had... and this is the danger of dating a 

domineering person. Domineering people are far more likely to become abusive.  Common red flags and warning signs

 that abusers give off also align with domineering behavior, including a need for control. Often times an abuser will often

 exert control over how their victim acts and dresses, as well as where they go and who they associate with.  While 

Camilla never said that I couldn't go out with friends, she always made it seem like she should be there with me 

since we were a unit. She occupied all of my free time - something I willingly complied with because I thought it was 

normal to spend every waking minute possible with your partner. Another warning sign that abusers will display is a 

lack of respect for personal boundaries and privacy - going through a partner's phone and making accusations meant

 to manipulate and control the victims behavior in an attempt to prove their innocence. The latter being an example of 

emotional manipulation and abuse. While not all domineering personality typed people go on to become abusers, 

domineering behavior runs parallel with abusive behavior because both lack a very important feature: respect for the 

emotions and needs of others. So, where does domineering cross the line into abuse?

-insert research statistics and quotes here-

**** https://mainweb-v.musc.edu/vawprevention/lesbianrx/factsheet.shtml******

https://ncadv.org/blog/posts/domestic-violence-and-the-lgbtq-community

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6113571/

*** https://connect.springerpub.com/content/sgrpa/3/3/286 -- see if I can find this article in the library

Sexual abuse by a woman partner has been reported by up to 50% of lesbians (12).

Psychological abuse has been reported as occurring at least one time by 24% to 90% of lesbians (1,5,6,11,14).

- insert chart-

type of abuse: examples

- physical - common examples ive seen or heard about

-emotional - competing with her loves from the past that she was still in love with, "you cried so i know your serious",

 manipulating me into feeling guilty about stopping sex, complaining about how unsatisfied she was sexually

-mental and verbal  - examples ive seen and witnessed 

-sexual - coercion. ignoring of boundaries. the fight about anal play. "the incident"

this will then launch into symptoms that made me realize I need help.