Out West

Okay, so I know I want to leave NC in 2022. 

I was thinking Tacoma, WA but I am concerned about the weather and my dependence on sunlight. I mean, the worst case scenario is I move out there and hate it, sell everything, and come back to NC to regroup. It's not like I am going to be buying a house. 

So. Its time to redo my state comparison, Look into average temperatures, and do a better research job to consider where I might move. 

I found a more reliable website for cost of living and living wage calculations.... and i am quite surprised. I could actually afford to move to almost any state... based off the living wage needed for a single working adult with no children. like... even california is do-able as long as it's just me. 

https://livingwage.mit.edu/

I then have the low/average salary for 3 different possible jobs I may have. 

I have whether it's a red or blue state. 

I have average temperatures for summer and winter. 

using that I whittled a few states out. 

then I took this quiz:

http://www.selectsmart.com/states/#mystate

and compared it to the state sleft after I gathered my data.

Washington (97%) - Tacoma Area 
Oregon (95%)
California (91%) --->  Sacramento Area (Woodland, Davis, Fairfield, Vacaville, Yuba City)

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For Comparison: gvill: rent: 799, B+ niche, liberal, 91-93,000 - lots of parks

(Apex = 53,000 Jacksonville = 70,000 Gville = 93,000)

Yuba - rent:987, moderate , A+ niche , Jacksonville Size - lots of parks

Woodland - rent:1139 , liberal, B- niche , Apex size - lots of parks ****

Davis - rent: 1455, Liberal,  A+ niche, Jacksonville Size - lots of coffee shops and parks***

Fairfield - rent:1510, Liberal, B- niche, little bigger than Greenville - lots of parks

Vacaville - rent:1557, liberal, B niche, about the size of greenville -  lots of parks

Bruh. I didn't think it would be... but California is actually super doable.... I chose Washington because I didn't think I could do California. 

Washington and California are even for me... one will have dreaded low temperature and the other will have dreaded high temperatures. Both will have rain, although California will have more sun....

I would rather sweat than shiver plus I can go swimming in nearby rivers, lakes, and creeks. Or pay the tolls and drive the 2 hours to the coast. 

I might move to California. 

---------------------------

Virginia (87%)
South Carolina (82%)
Texas (80%)
Florida (72%)

Vertigo

Vertigo

Okay so I decided that I would blog more often... I figured I should wait until I have more answers, but why not... here goes:

I learned something yesterday.

So.... I get vertigo. like often.... i'm talking 3 times a week minimum. 

Usually it's mild and lasts less than an hour, so I don't really think anything of it. 

If it lasts less than 30 minutes I oftentimes won't even remember it happened, I've become so used to it. 

well. apparently.... that's not normal?

Over the past week at least, my vertigo has been flaring up. Like... on a scale of 1-10 with the strength of the dizziness It usually stays 1-3 most days, sometimes a 4. Last week I had 4's, a 5, and sunday night I was at a 7 which kept me in bed.  Anything over a 5 is very rare. At 8 I shouldn't drive, I need help walking just because I'm so dizzy. 

The highest I have ever been is like an 8.

so. 

Vertigo.

80% of causes have to do with the inner ear or fluid buildup in the ear. Inner ear issues present in physical balance issues, eye movement, pressure or fullness in the ears, and possible hearing issues. I have none of these. 

There is no fluid buildup in my ears - which is what happened the last time I went to the doctor about my vertigo. 

My ears are fine. 

Which means if my blood work for lyme disease, and rocky mountain fever come back negative.... which they will... I will need to get a brain scan. While 80% of vertigo issues involve the ears... the other 20% involve something neurological. However! Like with my heart palpitations, sometimes it happens and no cause can be found.

Chances are this is more likely. Wouldn't be the first time I had a fluke health issue and it probably won't be the last. 

but. I am glad I went to the doctor. Right before the levl 7 episode hit one of my host of friends sent an oracle card warning about focusing on health.. and then about 10 minutes after the reading the vertigo started. An episode started yesterday around 8:45am and didn't fully end until I went to sleep. It has resumed this morning. 

While this has been the longest episode I've had, it is MILD. while it does make me feel motion sick. experience a tilting sensation, and adding an uncomfortable pressure to my head - I can easily function through it. 

I can function through 90% of my vertigo episodes... which is why I didn't think anything of them.

and now i'm not sure what to do. 

There's no point in worrying until I have a specific reason to worry. But I'm ready for this episode to end because I'm tired of being uncomfortable. It lasted ALL of yesterday... Hot drinks provide comfort for a short while but the only thing that helped it for more than a minute was when I smoked the CBD plant. 

Thankfully Anna got me plenty of it for a housewarming present. I'll smoke some when I get off work, since it's at Viking Man's place. 

lonely.

okay..... I wasn't really feeling like getting high and watching cartoons with Ash (the girl I went on the date with), so I canceled. Viking man was supposed to come by with the puppy but I think he's gonna bail on me. Oh well. I mean kinda disappointed, but I did see him saturday and briefly sunday morning. I'll probably see him friday? Maybe? Idk. He said he would let me know whenever he went to the bar but he went out with the puppy yesterday and didn't say anything. 

*long sigh* i'm not going to be left in limbo wondering if he's gonna show or not. might as well ask him if he actually still wants to come over. 

I mean I'll ask him after I clean and shower.. probably while I cook. That way I will know to either plate it or pack it. He seemed unsure if he would be over for dinner or what time he wanted to come over. But I also know if I wait too late he'll be comfy and not come over either. Though, I suppose I could always go over there if thats the case. 

I just miss his company, ya know?

Update - December~

 I have moved!

I haven't really spent a whole day by myself yet, but that's okay. I like being able to be closer to friends which means I can see them more. 

I'm still figuring out the temperature for my apartment, the base board heating settings seem to jump from barely putting out heat to SAUNA, so it's been interesting. 

My neighbor is a really quiet older asian lady. 

Oh and I turned 25. 

At the moment, life seems to be quieting down which I am FINE with. 

Viking man got his puppy and she is delightful. He and I seem to be doing good. 

Oh - I cut Chandler out of my life because she's a sexual predator. I don't know if i ever even blogged about her over the past 4 months she stayed with me. Also lesson learned: people can and will abuse my hospitality. I need to learn a balance as to how much to give before I am being taken advantage of. 

But i'm not dead. I know I need to start blogging more regularly again. 

do-over

 The date went well I think.

She shared her edibles with me and they took 2 hours to hit,(she gave them to me at the beginning of the movie and they didn't hit till I sat down at the restaurant afterwards)... but when they did. I should not have taken 2. 

I got too high too quickly and had a bad trip, which made communication really hard and we didn't talk that much after the movie. 

but she seemed to understand and I don't think it would prevent a second meet up. 

I declare a do-over!

trying my hand at casual dating????

 Checking in

I'm not dead. 

I'm moving into my new place in a week!

I may or may not have a date/meet up? With a familiar name.... Ash W. Way back in highschool I almost stole her from her bf. We had a flirtationship for a few weeks and whether or not I end up seeing her more often or not... its still nice to have someone to flirt with right now. Pleasant distraction. 

Also notes for myself about "casual dating" as I begin to understand what that means...

1. Communication is key - state your intentions right away... makes sense. 

2. Set boundaries and keep them - this is a way to keep it casual... not seeing them more than ___ many times a week,  etc.... makes sense. 

3. See multiple people -... Idk about this one. especially if things are physical? like... um..

4. "Know your worth" - this one is a means to deal with jealousy I think? I don't get this one tbh. 

5. Keep it off social media - okay yeah i get this one. no point in posting people if its just casual. 

6. Be on the same page (especially about sex) - *ptseradactyl screech*

7. don't chat often - this rule says only reach out when you want to make plans; don't send good morning or good night texts or chat about your day; "thats when it turns into friends with benefits"... ... ... ... huh?

8. Steer clear of anyone from work or school - ... totally. That could get messy. 

9. Check ins - periodically check in to make sure no one is catching feelings - ... this is also one i'm nervous about. 

10. Communication about other partners... the level of info shared is up to you.  - yeah idk how much info I want to share or have shared with me other than if they are not practicing safe sex. 

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a6445/frustrating-things-casual-dating/

here's another one

"Generally speaking, casual dating describes:

- something more defined than “friends with benefits” or hookups
- connections that involve some degree of emotional attachment
- situations that lack relationship labels
- attachments you pursue for fun, not commitment"

well that negates the first article's #7 rule right?

So whats the difference between casually dating someone and casual sex?

 "Unlike FWB and hookup situations, casual dating generally operates with relationship-like parameters, even if they’re loosely defined.

People who are casually dating typically:

- say “dates,” not “hangouts” or “chilling”
- text or call each other fairly regularly
- make firm plans and communicate when you need to cancel
- enjoy spending nonsexual time together

Sure, you might have sex. For many people, that’s part of the fun of casual dating. But you can certainly date without sex."

okay so THIS lines up with how i thought casual dating was... but this completely goes against the first article. 

I like this article much better... it provides more information, more depth to the information provided, and answers more questions. 

https://www.healthline.com/health/casual-dating

okay so in my mind.... there are 3 different "casual" areas/classifications..I think?

- Fuck Buddy/ FB: someone with no emotional attachment, someone you only hook up with and thats it (thats not for me fam)

- Friends with Benefits/ fwb: an actual friendship that can involve physical intimacy of varying levels

- casual dating: light hearted emotional attachment that is romantic in nature but not for a long term or serious commitment.. usually non monogamous. involves varying degrees of emotional and physical intimacy. 

FB = not for me, nah nah nah. 

fwb = Viking Man. maybe: Kasey? Chandler? 

casual dating: ... Ash W? Kasey? 

lord idk. 

is it okay to talk often and send sweet messages? not okay? Its just flirting right?

LAWWWWWD

I just want to be able to find someone I can hang out with flirtatiously, get kisses and active cuddles, but also enjoy hanging out with and bringing them around my friends. Without the expectation of being totally in love and envisioning a future together. 

Poem for Lilith 1

 Lilith, 

Oh goddess of golden light

red and pink surrounds you

tender and wild

personified freedom. 

Lilith, 

I call out to you from this plane,

words never seem to be enough

I wish to be like you,

I yearn for freedom. 

Lilith,

I have felt the stirrings within,

but now I realize my cage.

The anger that comes,

Is that part of freedom?

Lilith, 

Oh goddess of golden light,

I feel the strength you are teaching me,

our journey just begun...

teach me of freedom. 

Lilith,

Red and Pink surrounds you,

Help me shed the chains that down me,

so my magic may rise,

alive with freedom. 

Lilith, 

Feral and Free Mother, 

I thank you for the gifts you bestow,

i know there is more to come, 

growth through freedom. 

Lilith, 

I yet know so little,

there is much still for me to learn

lend me your patience firm mother,

so that I may live in freedom.