wisconsin

 okay so heres a life update...

I visited my mom in wisconsin. LOVED IT. I loved being so close to her, the weather was *perfect* (although apparently its not that perfect so many days in a row). My mom works in one of the cities I was open to living in... and I loved it. I liked the atmosphere, the people were friendly, there were shops and the downtown area was charming. I would have to look for nature parks, but Wisconsin is big on outdoors. 

despite all this... I am still feeling Cleveland. So i'll be visiting cleveland later this year to really compare. 

however... I met someone there. Someone who I have known from a few years ago. Someone I had a crush on but I was seeing someone and they were seeing my best friend, so i never acknowledged it at all (especially cuz i thought i would be marrying my boyfriend). When they split with my best friend I thought I would NEVER see them again, like ever. So when i would talk to my friends about my "type" i really was just describing this person, as like the star example. 

well. Somehow the world is smaller than i realized and they happened to be in wisonsin and met up with me and my mom for lunch. Honestly.. the spark is still there, if not it was stronger cuz i'm single and they are no longer my with my best friend. However... still my best friend's ex. So that kept me from saying anything. But wow. 

It was still amazing to see them though.. if you remove my crush from the equation, i still got to see someone i used to be good friends with who i didn't think I would ever see again. It also means that when I move up there (still thinking Cleveland) I will have a friend that I can hang out with whenever I take trips to milwaukee. It makes me feel better about moving up north. 

Direction

 okay so... 

I did a big reading to get guidance now that I seem to have lost my sense of purpose. Brandi at work says i'm having a quarter of life crisis and I don't think the statement is inaccurate. 

The reading pretty much said that I needed to focus on myself, with 2 primary goals:

1) Heal from Viking man

2) focus on spirituality  - emphasis on dream walking and world walking, as well as reconnecting with nature and source. 

I can say that I have definitely been more sensitive to presences lately, and I'm noticing a change in my dreams and ability to manipulate dreams. I'm not at a point where it's full lucid dreaming, but I feel like I'm not far from it. I need to start doing guided meditations for myself to better develop the world walking skill. 

Maybe in a few months I'll feel comfortable enough to take the Irish shamanism classes. 

Its not so much a physical goal, the way school was, but the gods and faerie folk have told me my new direction is inward and my goal is... myself?

Graduate.

In a matter of days I will be a Masters Degree Graduate. 

Unexpectedly... that has caused a sort of identity crisis. 

I have been in school all of my life. If we want to ignore everything prior to highschool, thats from 2010-2021. Over a decade. For over a decade my only real attainable goals and motivations have been school. Pass this test. Pass this Class. Graduate High School. Graduate College. Graduate Graduate School. 

Now?

Nothing. I do not have any immediate goals. I have no sense of purpose. Nothing to motivate me to do anything. For over a decade I have been a student... now what am I? I feel so disconnected to myself that I don't even recognize myself in the mirror... I just see Racheal's face. 

I know that I could devote myself to hobbies or passions.. Maybe take up volunteering? Get back into reading. Maybe see about how my boss feels about me listening to podcasts while at work so that I don't go stir crazy. Maybe sneak a book to work?  I would take up art but what's the point? I would just be throwing them away.  I should get back into writing. Could set up a little nook on my back patio if I wasn't worried about things getting stolen, sit out there in the mornings with coffee and try writing. I should start a garden. 

I also suddenly have the urge to rearrange my whole apartment. Actually go through and put up all my laundry so that I know what can actually fit where. See about condensing my clothes so that I can maybe get rid of my neon dresser. Donate some books, so I can move all my candles and things into the living room onto the smaller dresser. This would create more space in my bedroom where I could move the cat stuff. If the cat litter were in my bedroom it would help motivate me to clean it more often and vacuum up the spread out litter. 

Then by moving the cat section of the living room to my bedroom, I make more space for entertaining people. The smell will automatically be better so I will be less self conscious about that and I will have more space for dancing. I can get some seating/storage for guests. 

However I also feel like I'm heading into a manic phase (i;ve been depressed the past few days) so I need to be careful because I'm itching to spend a lot of money. On the couch. On a large cat tree. On books. On games so that I can have game nights again. I have the urge to go through all my clothes and condense them.... and then go to goodwill and get more to diversify my wardrobe. 

I can at least use this mania as a way to super clean my apartment. Once I move the cat stuff to my room, I can mop the whole livingroom and kitchen area, and vacuum the rug. 

Bare minimum today I can go through my clothes,  do the cat litter, and dishes. Maybe go through the books and transfer stuff around on shelving. 

I need a sense of purpose or I am going to go crazy.

Landscape (poem)

When I stand naked, bare, in front of the mirror

I feel as if I am looking upon an alien form. 

I do not recognize the home my soul has taken;

A Landscape of pale olive blandness, 

a desert of skin over meat and bone. 

I look upon soft flesh, damp from southerner humidity,

full, small breasts hang unevenly like overly ripe apples, 

or pears softened in the summer sun. 

I stare in disappointment, but can't help but find pleasure

in the small pink dogwood buds that sit on the edges. 

My swollen belly protrudes farther than my comfort, 

yet the jiggle reminds me of watching

plump squirrels as they lounge lazily on the magnolia branch. 

I cup my hands around my navel, as I would to gather soil

in the garden to plant a new seed, new life. 

I want to turn away from the form before me,

but my eyes follow the curves and bends

as if caught in the current of a mountain stream. 

I stood in awe watching the water once, 

now that sense of gratitude floods my senses.  

My legs, marked like that of tree bark, 

roots shooting from my hips, down my thighs -   

The curvature of my form, the humid cave

covered by soft and supple moss,

the hair on my body as natural as the grass in the earth. 

When I stand naked, bare, in front of the mirror

I feel as if I am looking upon an alien form. 

While I do not recognize the home my soul has taken,

I see a form made up of natural beauty, wonder, 

born to the south, I have made my home in the landscape. 

Ticker

 hey, so update on life. 

I'm doing good in school so far. 

My car has been behaving and not having issues. 

Oh and I went to the ER because I was having symptoms of a heart attack. 

Of course by the time they actually got me back there to run tests almost all of my symptoms were done. My blood pressure plummeted and the nurses did nothing even after I called for help - about twenty minutes later I was moments from passing out when Amy's nurse instincts sprang into action and she modified the bed to sit me up and then physically brought a nurse into the room. The nurse put my IV in crooked. 

At least the doctor believed me when I said it wasn't a panic attack. He agrees I need to see a cardiologist and get a monitor. Amy says I need to mention that I have episodes of hypotension - periods when I think my blood sugar is low might actually be low blood pressure instead. 

Aaron thinks I had a blood clot, and it just worked its way through by the time I actually could get help. 

So that was an eventful weekend. I was in the negatives on energy the entire next day and even today I still feel super tired and like I'm running on E. 

Priorities

 YA GIRL IS GETTING THE COVID VACCINE ON SATURDAYYYYYYYYY.

Also, i love how easy it is to have a conversation with lilith when i'm not losing my head emotionally. Once I calm the fuck down she really is quick to talk with me and help me assess the situation.

There is love. 

There is sex. 

There is spirituality. 

I have a choice 

to pick new love and spirituality

or familiarity, sex, and spiritiuality. 

currently ive decided on the later, because as lonely as I am, I need to learn who I am when I am not lost in love. Besides, sex has so many benefits health wise. 

love means emotional satisfaction, and scary new experiences, and WAITING and searching. 

current situation means mood regulation, stress reduction, familiarity, and safety.

i just have to make sure that i don't ignore the chance for new love while I wait in option two. 

No matter what I choose, my spiritual growth won't be stunted - and honestly at that point that's my primary concern.  Spiritual and self growth. 

Falling in love can take a back seat right now. 

Manifesting

 I was sitting at the table, utterly oblivious to the eyes that had followed me since I entered the bar. The band playing was one I had seen before, your standard couple duo - a gentleman on the guitar and her girlfriend singing into the microphone and stomping her cowgirl boot to the rhythm. They were decent to listen to, made for excellent background music or a good distraction when there was no one to talk to. This was the later - the friend I had come out to meet up with was busy talking to other people, his puppy wandering around the outdoor patio looking for scraps and giving her paw as an offering. I called out to her, feeling a tad lonely in the midst of a fairly busy night, and she happily trotted over. I hoped down from my high chair and offered a french fry in exchange for kisses and affection. Thats when she approached. 

"Cute dog! Whats her name?" Came a voice, there was an accent I couldn't place - or rather almost a lack of accent. 

"Brightness!" I said, looking up to meet the eyes of a beautiful woman. She had colored hair, long and wavy underneath a reverse ball cap, her eyes lined with black and a neutral color on her lips. She wore a band tee and ripped jeans, her knees poking out as she knelt down to pet the puppy with me. Something about her was familiar, like I had seen her somewhere before. 

"She yours?" she asked, giving a warm smile and meeting my eyes. 

"uh... no. But i'm basically like her godmother." I quickly looked back to the happy puppy, almost the same size as me despite being less than a year old. I could feel my cheeks warming under her gaze as I offered Brightness more affection.

"Brightness! Kisses?" I cooed, as she went through her array of tricks for yet another french fry.  But, adhd as ever, a new patron entered the patio and she dashed off to greet him. I must have pouted a little as the young woman laughed at me. 

"I'm not as cute as her, but I can give you kisses." My eyes jumped up to hers and I rose quickly, blatantly blushing. 

"that was smooth." I said , offering my hand, "I'm Lisa."

"Nice to meet you again." She flashed me another smile, sharing my hand and then ever so quickly turning it and bringing it to her lips.  Bewildered, I just stared at her in awe - was this actually happening? 

By then, noticing another body had appeared at the table, my friend turned his attention towards us. dropping my hand down, she trailed hers across my back as she moved behind me towards the table and into the chair next to me. 

"Whats up dude?" she offered as a greeting. "Got yourself a pretty girl." There was a slight edge to her voice, not aggressive but assertive. 

"She was just getting to meet Brightness," I interjected, knowing that he often became aggressive if he felt like a stranger was challenging him. Somehow, I felt that she wouldn't have cared either way, as her hand was still at the small of my back. My exposed skin tingled under her fingers.  

"oh! yeah. She's gorgeous" he said, having had a few beers in, he was in a more mild tempter and thus took the comment for his puppy with pride and turned back to his previous conversation.  Before i could say anything else, a server approached with my drink and another round of french fries. 

"want some?" I offered, and grinning, she moved towards the plate. 

"Don't mind if i do."

****

I got back into my car, grinning ear to ear. A girl had never blatantly flirted with me like that, much less when I was with him. I looked at my phone excitedly, although I felt foolish, why would she text me back so quickly after only just meeting. She had texted herself from my phone while we spoke at the bar, and I knew it would probably be tomorrow at the earliest that she would remember it. I couldn't control my excitement when the phone buzzed, her name appearing with the song recommendation she told me to listen to on my way home. I pulled it up in my youtube app and sent her a screenshot. Shaking my head in disbelief, I plugged in my phone, turned down the dark road, and headed home.