triggered

So i was authentically triggered today. We were talking about rape in class, my 9 am, and when the professor shared the story of her daughter's rape it hit me hard. She said that her daughter didn't fight back, because she knew she wasn't in danger of her life and that she wanted it to be over as fast as possible so that she could get as far from her rapist as possible.

"Just get it over as fast as possible and run away"

thats what i thought that night with Corie. I pretty much froze in fear that night until fae took over and got me out of there.

i was hit with flashbacks of the fear, distinctly remembering the situation. the fear i felt then was back. the shame that i gave into the fear was back. It was almost like i was back in that moment.

i held it together for the duration of the class but afterward i fell apart. anxiety attacks. Only i didn't have a safe place to hide and cry and be told that i was safe and okay.

instead i went to the flannigan computer lab and prayed it would be empty. it was. I curled up into as tight a ball as i could and i cried. I tried to cry out the fear and shame and anger but it didn't work. I ended up calling a friend to pick me up and take me away from campus.

I was scared to be alone. I couldn't meet anyone in the eyes. I stayed afraid. weak.

so fucking weak.

I calmed down after Jimmie came and got me because with him i knew i was safe, he could protect me. logically i knew i wasn't in danger but thats not how it felt.

he calmed me down. held me for a minute. distracted me with youtube videos and lunch.

went to see mom and finally told her about that night.

felt better after talking to her.

still feel weak. I'm exhausted.

Its never affected me this way before...

but it was her daughter's words that did it.

they triggered me.
I just pray it never happens again.

TESTS

Midterms are here.... fuck.

• race, gender, class - already taken - 78
• classical mythology - 90
• Grimm's fairytale -  
• 1000 E 5th St Greenville, NC 27858 
• (252) 558-8475
• jlrohrbaugh800@my.pittcc.edu
• Sunday Oct 8th 12-1:30
• $10 fee, plus pay for parking.... $1 per hour

•  Criminology -?

choices

so i have choices...

apply and go to grad school, get first book maybe published but definitely written. swamped with deadlines and pressure and stress for three years. i what i should do. is responsible thing to do. but i don't want to do it.

i want to run a business. I want to stay with bistro and maybe ultimatley buy into it. I want to open a witchy book and tea store with amy (maybe aaron and dakota too but def amy). I want to open the bed and breakfast with my mom. The bistro i work at, the owners want to retire soon and actually sell it over to employees and make it an employee run and owned business.

I feel like i'm destined to run my own busniess.

so.... i've decided im not going to grad school.

i'm going to work and pay off student loans. I'm going to open/run a business. and then i'm going to write.

but yeah. choices.

fairy tale class

use to study for grimms fairy tale class

https://quizlet.com/214311360/forl-2680-final-exam-complete-flash-cards/

stable mind..... but the weather isn't so sound.

so the depression seems to have passed. *whew*

but this hurricane.... i'm low key terrified.

apparently it is definitely going to hit florida..... and its already the SIZE OF florida.  So its clear we are going to get a shit ton of rain regardless of where the storm goes. which means flooding...

my mom is in a flood zone.

and if the hurricane actually hits us?

Where is she going to go? with 7 cats? I could beg hallie but i don't think she would agree to let them come.

mom would probably tell cara to stay with a friend.

I'm almost tempted to drive out and be with mom, it would be more dangerous but at least she wouldn't be alone.

but then i would have to take my cats again.

fuck.

and even if ii stay at the apartment and my mom magically finds somewhere to go....

i don't know how to prepare for this fucking storm.

I wonder if this strom is going to be trial 3 or 4.

because gods above we are all fucked if it hits.

Not off the deep end yet

So due to unforeseen circumstances and a hectic  schedule  I have missed many, if not most, of my doses of meds this past week. It's hitting me. Hard. Tuesday I had to leave work early, an s since somone was being petty it ended up ugly. Then last night it was chaotic at bistro and although I kept it together until I got off, I fell apart. My anxiety is telling me I'm going to get fired. And then last night I was suicidal.

If it was ever a question it is now clear to me that I def have not outgrown my need for my meds.  But I havnt hurt myself (thank the gods for my self control) or anyone else (which is an even bigger miracle).
 I havnt gone off the deep end. Not yet. And it can only get better from here since I've gotten to my meds again.

grad school thoughts again - EDITED

guys...i might actually have to go to iowa..... i don't know if i could afford online grad schools..... but:


https://the-artifice.com/genre-fiction-university-writing-programs/
http://www.sfwa.org/2013/01/mfa-programs-and-you/

**** MORE OPTIONS!!!!!!!

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/08/where-great-writers-are-made/306032/
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/08/the-best-of-the-best/306049/

Residencies

• http://mfaenglish.olemiss.edu/
• fully funded AND pays you stipend WITHOUT requiring you to teach.
• does it allow popular fiction - ?
• Accepts 5-6
• https://lsa.umich.edu/writers/graduate-students/prospective-students/frequently-asked-questions.html
• fully funded. monthly stipend for rent and living expenses. 
• they are critical of genre fiction, but say if it is your thing, then send it in. 
•  Accepts 12
•  https://michener.utexas.edu/program/fiction/
• each admitted student receives a Michener Fellowship of $27,500 per academic year, plus remission of all required tuition and fees. 
• does it allow genre fiction - ??
•  Accepts 6-8 (poets and fiction... so 3-4 each)

https://writersworkshop.uiowa.edu/graduate-program/graduate-program

•   $4,713 per semester - but there are lots of financial aid options that could cover up to all of the tuition, some do even more!
•  https://writersworkshop.uiowa.edu/graduate-program/financial-aid
• Accepts 25

online:

• https://www.setonhill.edu/academics/graduate-programs/writing-popular-fiction-mfa/
•   $734 per credit https://www.setonhill.edu/admissions/tuition-financial-aid/graduate-programs/tuition-fees/
• financial aid? - fafsa

• https://usm.maine.edu/stonecoastmfa/popular-fiction-stonecoast-0
•  "e tuition" price for only online $491.00.... but idk if thats what i would pay because of the week long residencies? so $1,063.00 per credit hour
•  http://usm.maine.edu/student-financial-services/tuition-and-fees
• fafsa and 3 other options to apply for. http://usm.maine.edu/scholarships#quicktabs-scholarships_qt_block=3

• http://www.western.edu/academics/graduate/creative-writing/genre-fiction/course-sequence
•  700$ per credit hour... 8400 per semester. 
•  fund raising??? so the amount they can help with is unknown
• http://www.western.edu/academics/graduate/graduate-programs-western/graduate-program-creative-writing-low-residency-mamf-14
• http://www.western.edu/academics/graduate/graduate-programs-western/graduate-program-creative-writing-low-residency-mamfa-8

• http://www.wcsu.edu/writing/mfa/MFA%20letter.asp
•   $12,607.50 - the financial aid its kinda...iffy? need to read further. 
•  http://www.wcsu.edu/registration/grad-tuition/
• http://www.wcsu.edu/writing/mfa/MFAScholarships.asp