Off my chest

Now that those are off my chest... maybe I can sleep.

I want to be clear. Despite how I’m feeling... I have no intention to give up on my relationship. I love him. I’m a firm beliver it’s going to take time but we will be okay.


I am not looking forward to the blood work part of the physical...

And this fucking head cold.  Ugh. Can’t breathe.

Plllleeeeease let me sleep now.

Not over it

I have forgiven Jimmie about what happened. But I can’t seem to get over it.
I have a residual hurt, one that was manifesting as actual chest pain - after praying to Aine it went away. But then when I try to go to sleep at night... this happens.

I’m still so confused as to why it happened. Why did he caress my leg? To make me relax before he practically threw me away from him? I still don’t know how I didn’t hit that side table corner. I honestly think someone (SG, one of my fair friends, one of my gods... SOMEONE) pulled me just enough so that I missed it. I owe them a thank you.

And then there was what he said.

I know. I know. He was drunk.

 But I honestly think that some of the things we say when we are drunk and critically looking at our own situation and the situation of others... we become brutally honest. And he said he didn’t love me.

He says he does. D swears that people say things they don’t mean when drunk. But he didn’t say it to me... he wasn’t trying to hurt me. He was making a sad observation. And when I closed my eyes to sleep tonight I can see him.

Siting there in the living room. Looking distantly over the board of catan. Sad. And I can hear him say those words. “I don’t love her... I don’t love my girlfriend.”

The image is so clear in my brain.

I honestly think that’s the part I can’t get over. When I’m with him and he says he loves me, I feel happy... but I don’t trust it. I think that he THINKS he loves me. And he does. But I don’t think he is in love with me anymore. I almost wonder if he ever was. I know that like me, he hates to be left alone. But that’s no reason to date someone.

And he has a habit of just telling people what they want to hear. The afternoon after the incident he told me that he wouldn’t drink anymore (I didn’t make him say that... he volunteered it himself) and it honestly made me feel proud of him and a bit safer, like he really cared to prevent even the slightest possibility of it happening again.

He had a glass of wine after a bad day at work the other night. Granted it was one glass and he was by no means drunk. But he still told me he wouldn’t drink at all until he got help.

He is full of the best intentions but it seems it’s just pretty words to smooth over any discomfort... I want to believe him when he says he loves me.  A part of me does believe it.

A part of me doesn’t.

Thought purge

So I have too many thoughts going in circles around my brain for me to go to sleep. It’s a few minutes from 2am and I have to get up at 7:45 to go to a doctors appointment.

I need to get to sleep.

So please excuse the next few posts... I need to purge these thoughts so I can try to sleep.

But I’m also hella tired and may have to edit them later.

2 years

It’s been two years since Carson died. I realized this at 10:30 pm. I almost missed it.

I still have regrets.

I hadn’t talked to him in months.

But I thought about him.

What if I had reached out to him?

Would that have stopped him?

I thought about him recently. But didn’t realize it was coming up.

I almost missed it.

I hope his soul is doing well, wherever it is.

There. Made it all the way through this without crying.


I miss him.

You never really realize how much you miss someone, until they are gone.  Even friends you almost never talk to.  You know they are out there.

Until they aren’t.

Tell those friends how you feel.

Reach out when they cross your mind.

Don’t miss your chance.. because you never know when the chance won’t come again.

I miss him.


Shit.

Not going to cry.

Aine

• https://www.ancient-origins.net/myths-legends/aine-radiant-celtic-goddess-love-summer-and-sovereignty-007097
• https://feminismandreligion.com/2013/07/31/aine-summer-goddess-of-love-light-and-fertility-by-judith-shaw/
• http://goddessschool.com/projects/AvalonRaine/FPL2Aine.html

she was also the first leanan sidhe 

https://solostinlife.wordpress.com/what-is-a-lianhan-sidhe/

http://www.angelfire.com/journal/ofapoet/aine.html

https://thecelticjourney.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/aine/

like legit.... 

She is everything i would think a faerie goddess would be. She makes me think of home... I really think connecting with her will really help me. emotionally. physically. spiritually. 

She... i really want to be with her. 

grad school

i'm excited.

i'm meeting with the graduate director thursday.

I don't have to take the GRE or MAT.

my GPA was high enough to where i qualify to waive out of it.

Classes to take:


I REQUIRED:

• Modern Sociological Theory
• Research Methods and Design
• Statistics
• Multivariate Techniques and Analysis

II ELECTIVE OPTIONS

*pick 4

• Environment and Society, 
• Social Movements, 
• Immigration, 
• Aging and Health, 
• Gender Roles, 
• Social Inequality and Diversity, 
• Family, 
• Population, 
• Social Issues in Regional Development, 
• Qualitative Methods, 
• Society and Coastal Policy

III THESIS, PRACTICUM, 4 ADDITIONAL CLASSES

• Thesis... something to do with sexuality, possibly asexuality. 
• practicum... kind of like an internship... or TEACHING?
• additional classes: capstone and 3 electives 5000+

and they practically have it planed for you

http://www.ecu.edu/cs-cas/soci/degree-programs.cfm


COST
http://www.ecu.edu/cs-acad/financial/ECU-Estimated-Cost-of-Attendance.cfm

HOLD THE PHONE

HOLD THE PHONE EVERYBODY I JUST GOT A TEXT THAT COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING



I don't need to take the GRE to get an MA in Sociology..... and Dr. Knox would most definitely take me as a graduate assistant......


this sounds fantastic.

and i'll just look up what courses i need to gt a certificate or two in accounting and use up all of my electives in accounting.


Guys. I might be going to grad school.