Nudes

nudes.

When in a relationship it is not uncommon for nudes to be sent and saved. It’s a matter of tryst.

It is absolutely disgusting to keep nudes after a break up. It’s disrespectful. It’s creepy. It’s a breach of trust and it’s EVEN WORSE when they are sent to other people without the persons consent.

You shouldn’t keep an ex’s nude much less send them to other people.

It’s fucking disgusting.

And there is no reason for it. Not a single valid reason.

They were sent during a time when it was okay to view that persons body. That is revoked after a break up.

Delete the fucking pictures.

Using it to jack off?

EVEN FUCKING WORSE. Use your memory or even better just use fucking porn.

There is literally not a single goddamn reason to keep an ex’s nude photos.

And it pisses me the fuck off.

Irritated

I went o bed irritated.
I woke up irritated.

It’s not even 10am and I am done with the day.


First off WHO THE FUCK BUILDS FURNUTURE AT 8 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING WHEN YOU LIVE IN AN APARTMENT COMPLEX ?

Assholes.
 So I’m up at 8am. I’m irritated because I went to bed at 3 and it’s been an exhausting week.
And my brain returns to the reason why I was irritated when I went to sleep. (Next blog post will be my rant on that.)

I toss and turn and eventually drift... right as I’m about on the cusp of sleep... Langley calls Jimmie and wakes me the fuck up.

Now I’m very irritated. and I can’t go back to sleep for anything. I am so fucking tired.


The only good thing is I’m getting Smokey cuddles

23+1

so the day after my birthday we started over with a clean slate and pretended it was my birthday.

Much better day.

On worse news; my babies have tape worms :(

23

I turned 23 today.

Today completely sucked.

But at least my make up was pretty.

Textbooks Spring 2019

5 textbooks - all through ValoreBooks.com


Aging and Life - rented must be returned by 5/31
Medical Sociology - rented must be returned by 5/31

Americanah
Between the world and Me
Folded Earth: aNovel

all bought.

It cost 61$ shipping included.

would have been double that from amazon.

and tripple that if i had done it through the student store.
fuck yeah


I also need to now get:

The art and science of social research - rented valorebooks for 24$
So all in all:

85$.

what a day

it has been quite a day.

dropped my car off to be looked at and fixed at 10:30.  +  low level of anxiety.

piddled around target.

came back to the apartment only to find black mold and moisture around our bedroom windows. Time to call the handy man. + enter frustration

so now we have to move the furniture so he can get to the windows. Jimmie starts arguing with me about how i organize my clothes??? + Pissy mod.

 The handy man manages to come very quickly. Dries up the mold, does something to help prevent some of the moisture.  yay.

but i'm still in a frustrated/pissy mood when ... jimmie's ex shows up to visit. (Not unexpectedly; she is in th Navy and is on leave - shes friends/knows everyone in the apartment except me)

I meet her and fully intent to like her.... within 30 seconds i know that i don't. Something about her just rubbed me the wrong way.  Over the time spent with her i pretty much just hear how things were "when I was on the island" and her remembering parties with everyone. (So far the only common ground i have found with her is that she likes harry potter.)

She hasn't brought food with her like i was told she would which mean we were probably going to eat out. +mild annoyance at change of plans without warning.

I wander off to my room for a bit while everyone catches up feeling slightly uneasy but pretty much shaking it off. wait until 3:45 and call about my car.

easy and cheap fix = $45. This means - anxiety + relief
it also means i can afford to take everyone out to go see a movie, something i thought everyone would enjoy. +excitement

Only Diana wants to go. - excitement +disappointed/feeling rejected.

Jimmie asks if i'm okay with his ex being there and i say yes. I'm not bothered by her just being there - i become uncomfortable when i have to interact with her... besides it should only be for a few hours right?

I get my car and pick up gumbo from my mom for dinner tomorrow.

We go out to eat. i find out about her like of harry potter. Try to make conversation with her but it just flops. I feel uncertain about how everything is being paid for so i ask jimmie if i'm paying for myself and he responds with "I guess so". He seemed off in his tone with me during the dinner, bouncing between concerned and annoyed. Again conversation wasn't any topic i could contribute to. + uncertainty

So we come home. I suggest playing a game to pass the time until Diana and I go see our movie. Apparently no on hears, but everyone is for it when Jimmie and Diana suggest it. +annoyance

We end up playing my board game Quelf. Its super fun ad super silly. I actually think it can help break the ice and make me like her more... + Hope

its the exact type of game she hates and she pretty much didn't play.  +frustration

Diana and I go to the movie. I miss jimmie but the movie is pretty good. +disappointment +mild amusement

We come back and see everyone has clearly been drinking. Wine. Sake. and idk what else. And I see her in different/more comfy clothes that to me look like something she could sleep in.... which leads me to believe she is going to be staying the night. +agitation -any good mood left  +more unease.



Jimmie keeps coming back to check on me since i'm alone in the room and on my computer away from everyone. By his body language, tone, and what he says I think that he is under the impression that i feel threatened by his ex? which is not the case. She poses no threat to me or my relationship.

I just don't like her.


And I feel like ive barley actually gotten to spen d actual time with Jimmie. +disapintment

it hasn't been a horrible day. It has't been a enjoyable day.
its been like a bowl of luke warm flavorless cream of wheat.

gross.

And little aggutations just keep popping up and piling on.

OSDD-1....or as i formally called it... Mild DID

So i don't have DID.

Yes i have an alter.

I actually have 2 but the other is NEVER allowed out. ever. The few times its slipped out my friends thought i was slightly possessed.  i don't ever talk about it because its not relevant and talking about it only gives it power.

But OSDD is basically any dissassociative disorder that doesn't quite fit perfectly into one of the others.

OSDD -1 is DID.... 1a is only having 1 alter. 1b is not having amnesia between alters.


I could arguable have 1a but i most definitly have 1b.

 Brooks was ultimately right when i first tried to tell him about Fae and he dismissed it. Its not DID.
its the milder form of it: OSDD-1.
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I made a post online that said:

So…. I like to think that i have mild DID. only have 1.5 alters (i say .5 because one is permanently kept in a cage by my protective alter and is NEVER allowed to come out) and i don’t black out. My memory can become very fuzzy when my alter takes over, but i almost never lose time. I describe it like percentages…. i’m a certain percentage of her and a certain percentage of me. the higher her percentage the more “bleed through” i have… certain traits of hers begin to manifest in me.  There are periods where she seems to be at 0% and they can last for a little while.

When that happens i say that she is “napping” or sleeping” in the back seat. Because another way i explain my situation to people is like my body is a car… and there are 3 spots: driver, passenger, and back seat. Whoever is driving is in the most control and thats who “I am”. The passenger seat there is some control, mostly through communication “Do this” “Say this”  “Don’t do this” and so forth. The back seat is when a percentage is REALLY high in someone’s favor.  so like i would be in the back seat if she was at 90%. Usually she is in the back, only popping up with a funny/mean comment and giving her opinions on things. Shes a lot more active when shes in passenger and thats when she tends to bleed through.

We have a system of operations…. she knows when she’s allowed to take over (i’m feeling threatened or someone i care about is threatened - disrespect if a big one for her…. someone disrespects me she definitely gets active - unless shes asleep.) But throughout all of it… i’m aware of whats happening. When someone else tells me about things that happen or were said while shes been driving, its a very fuzzy memory and she usually fills in the fine details - but i’m always conscious.

I don’t have a formal diagnosis because every time i have tried she does NOT like the therapist. They usually give us a rendition of all of the online surveys which totally ignore co-conscious systems. That and she doesn’t feel we need the validation (i would like the validation.)

Does anyone else experience their alters without blacking out?


to which someone responded saying that DID without amnesia is OSDD-1b... which prompted me to do some digging.
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The most important difference between individuals with DID and OSDD-1 is the way in which they experience their alters. Even individuals with OSDD-1b might experience their alters more as different versions of themselves, though they're more likely to experience a noticeable change in skills, memory, temperament, or overall personality. It is important to note that even the least differentiated OSDD-1b parts are still more differentiated, separate, and autonomous than the most developed parts that can be present in borderline personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, or complex posttraumatic stress disorder, none of which involve dissociated parts that have a unique sense of self or self history.

They may or may not have dissociative amnesia for aspects of their trauma history, but information flow between alters in an OSDD-1b system is much more consistent. While someone with DID might not realize that or when they lose time, someone with OSDD-1b is usually fully aware of their alters' activities and is very unlikely to find any evidence of unremembered activities. If they ever were to have a dissociative trance or fugue episode, it would be unassociated with their alters. They tend to struggle less with their memory on a day to day basis.

Because alters for individuals with DID are more dissociated from each other, individuals with DID are able to have fewer alters co-conscious at once. While someone with OSDD-1b might be able to have all of their parts present and aware of each other and the outside world at once, someone with DID might be able to reach only a fraction of their system at any given moment and may be unaware of or unable to communicate with a large number of their alters.