Talking

Being around Jimmie without being able to be with him hurt me too much.

So I decided to cut contact. 

Having him interact with my posts and social media made me miss seeing him and talking to him.

So I unfriended him.

Well that just made everything fucking worse. 

I almost drove to his place last night I missed him so badly. 

So.... talking.

No seeing each other in person. 

I won’t add him back on Facebook (at least for now).

But I’ll actually have conversations with him instead of one word responses or leaving him on read. 

That way I havnt lost him completely from my life. 

Maybe just having this little bit of contact is the middle ground I need to be his distant friend until I’m no longer in love with him. 

here's your sign

okay so... last night i did the spell/prayer with offerings thing.

I mentioned the whole non abusive high emotional intelligence thing to her, explained the trauma and needing someone who would be patient and helpful, ect.

I mentioned family oriented, wanting to have a family and someone who was nuturing.

I of coarse explained how i wanted someone compatible with me, my needs, and lifestyle... being able to do things together and encourage eachother.

I mentioned wanting someone whos spiritual path was similar to my own, someone that could help me grow and encourage me spiritually because its a missing piece from every serious relationship i ever had.

and I mentioned wanting a relationship that was focused on growth, both individually and together, and in it for the long term.

I ended it by asking for a clear sign that heard my prayer and was willing to help. I told her it didn't have to happen right away but that when she was ready to help me, I would appreciate it because i'm such a loving person and i need to love others and be loved.

After the spell I walked home... and on the walk home... my necklaces went missing. They fell out of my purse. I walked the entire greenway looking for them and couldn't find them anywhere... I got the distinct feeling that i should trust in what happened and come back in the morning.

I was very disgruntled. But i laughed saying how insane it would be if i met someone in the morning while looking for them.

...
...
...
well.

here's your sign.

I was chatting with my platonic life partner Lauren and starting my search on the greenway this morning. Saw a girl coming out of the greenway and stoppped to ask if she had seen any necklaces on her walk AND SHE DID.

Not only did she tell me the general area that she had seen them, but she actually helped me look and is ultimatley the one that found them a second time and gave them to me herself. I was in such a state of shock that All i could manage to say was thank you and we exchanged names.

now i'm no so delisional to think that this girl, whos name was August, is the next person i'm meant to fall in love with... but she acted as the messenger that Oshun heard my prayer and was willing to help.

jump

i wish i could just jump to the part where i dont miss him.

whether that be because we are somehow able to be friends or with me finally having moved on with my life i don't know.

frankly at this point i don't care.

i'm just tired of missing him.
im tired of hurting.


but i havn't been able to ditch the damn green hair ties yet and i still can't bring myself to do the cutting of ties spell.

how long do i have to do this before it stops?

Traits for Spell more organized

Mandatory traits
1. Nonabusive high emotional intelligence
2. Family oriented
3. Witchy (faerie Witchy preferred - spiritual at the very least)
4. Compatible with emotional needs and lifestyle
5. Relationship geared towards long term autonomous growth


Show me a sign that this spell is working:
Song plays: “dream a little dream of me”

Shorts to Manifest
1. kisses in the dark/morning cuddles
2. singing loudly to music (at home and in the car)
3. slow dancing together at home
4. camping and ecstatic dance in nature
5. spells and partying with group
6. making offerings to the fae together
7. goofing off while running errands
8. homecooked meals and movie marathons
9. being held as i go to sleep and waking up still in their arms.
10. hobby dates.... them reading while i write for hours.... keeping eachother inspired.

Ironic

What’s ironic about the whole situation is that I love him too much.

So while I’m not talking to him, trying to fall out of love with him, he’s eventually going to get tired of being single and find another girl.
In which case I def wouldn’t be able to be his friend because I would hate her.

But if we aren’t suppose to be then we aren’t. And aparently we aren’t.
I’ll eventually heal and be happy.
I hope he figures out what he feels he needs to. I hope he’s happy with how things turn out.

I can’t think of a way for this to work out in a positive way.

academic planning MBA spring 2020

what i need to take: and as long as i'm making above a 2.0 i'm in "good academic standing) which is good because i am NOT making A's....



ACCT 6241 - Financial and Managerial Accounting (taking now)

FINA 6144 - Financial Management I - online/summer

FINA 6204 - Analysis of the Business Economic Environment - online - summer or fall

FINA 6214 - Government Regulation of Business - online/summer

MGMT 6102 - Comparative Management - online --> need to take before summer

MKTG 6162 - Marketing Management (taking now)

OMGT 6123 - Quantitative Methods (taking now)



ACCT 6521 - Accounting for Decision Making- f2f (ask off M/W) or online

FINA 6604 - Financial Management II

MGMT 6722 - Strategic Management

MGMT 6802 - Organizational Behavior

MIS 6713 - Delivering Business Value through Information Systems

MKTG 6822 - Marketing Strategy

OMGT 6213 - Operations and Supply Chain Management

OMGT 6613 - Management Science





if i do the the Masters Certificate in Hospitality Managment:
Fall – HMGT 6400, 6410
Spring – HMGT 6310, 6420
Summer I – none
Summer II – none

I don’t know how

I think what I’m torn up about... is that there is a serious chance I’ve losy jimmie from my life.
Or rather, he has lost me.

I don’t know how to be around Jimmie and not love him.
I had a crush on him from the moment I met him. Granted the feelings went dormant off and on because I knew he was off limits and I was friends with any.


But even before we got together... I had feelings for him.
Then I actually had him.
Then he decided he didn’t want me anymore - or at least “not right now”.
Which I no longer accept because I deserve better.

I know I do.
I deserve someone who actually appreciates me - something I know he didn’t do for a while before we broke up,.. and I wonder if he ever did.
He said he didn’t want me to wait for him to figure himself out... but in order to move on I have to somehow get over someone Iva had feelings for since early 2015.

I was in love with jake and it took 2 whole years to get over him.
I legit thought I was going to marry jimmie. I thought he was the one.
I know I can’t be his friend until I’m over him.
But I don’t know if I ever really will be.
Which means... he’s lost me for good.

Even if I get over this initial heartbreak.. I’m going to see and think of what could have been when I see him. Watch some other girl get the life I thought I would have.

And to be his friend without having feelings for him?
I don’t know how.

I’m between a rock and a hard place.
Never 100% get over him = never being his friend again.
Actually get over him = might be fine with him being out of my life.

Either way we aren’t in each other’s lives.
After a few weeks-months I won’t ask for Bia pictures, or he won’t send them.
We will lose all contact.

I’ll always have the memories but I think that my life and jimmies life... aren’t going to ever realign.

And wether that’s because I wasn’t enough for him like he originally said, or if it’s because he just wanted to be single for a while, I don’t know. Frankly I don’t think it matters anymore.

He’s lost me.
And I don’t know how that can be fixed.